Young Writers Society

He knocks on the door, anxiously, his sweat dripping on his forehead. He is angry, enraged! The only things he can think of are the things he will say to her, he will do to her.
She opens the door slowly, sensing him..
Rob: Why? he says with a very disappointed look on his face. WHY?
Tony: Why what my love?
Rob: Why do you always have to do this to me? Why can't things go smooth between us? Why do you always have to make things harder?
Tony: What did I do? she says avoiding eye contact.
Rob: You still have the nerve to ask me that? he says starting to boil inside.
Tony: Ok, ok.. I know what I have done, but I still do not understand why is it so wrong to you?
Rob: Are you mentally retarded? Since when does taking bribe to not go out with me is right? he tells her, annoyed.
Tony: I needed the money! she screams. What should I have done? I'm desperate.
At this moment you could see Robs' hand tightening, just waiting for it to be thrown at something.
Rob hits the door with so much anger and strength that you could feel the ground shake for a second.
Rob: That was it? You could have asked me for money! You know I would have gladly GIVEN it to you! he screams like a madman. I still cannot understand how? After all the things I've done to you. Looking after you, taking care of you so you would not make the same mistakes I did. Where did I go wrong? he grabs his hair and starts walking around the room, annoyed and confused.
Tony: You haven't done anything wrong, she tries to hug him, it's just that I desperately needed the money.
Rob: NO! he shouts and pushes her away. She falls to the ground and looks up at him. I have had enough! I will not take this kind of things anymore. We're through.. he sighs.
He turns away from her and slowly starts to walk away from her front door, and leaves her there, alone, cold and hurt.
Tony looks as he walks away and cannot believe what just happened.
I.. I.. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean it. I love you.
But he's gone.. No one there to here her. So she sits on the ground, staring at the spot where he stood, alone..

Hi Rob! This would be an interesting story if it weren't for your odd structuring. When a character speaks in a story, it should be in quotation marks. Also, you don't seem to break dialog from actions very well, like so:

Rob: Why? he says with a very disappointed look on his face. WHY?

It's obvious where it's breaking to some people, but to others, you might assume that he's saying, 'with a disappointed look on his face.' So I would fix that. You have lack of punctuation in some points of the story:

Tony: Why what my love?

After 'why what' you should have a comma. Also, you seem to over-describe emotions during some points, like so:

He knocks on the door, anxiously, his sweat dripping on his forehead. He is angry, enraged! The only things he can think of are the things he will say to her, he will do to her.

You should've said "sweat dripping on his forehead in anger" or something, and left it at that. We don't need the 'he is angry, enraged!" Though you're trying to add to the emotion, this over-description takes it away. It's also too short, so there's no buildup to all of this happening, it's just BAM, in our face, like that. So, overall, it has a lot of potential, but you need to improve for it to be great.

Phoenix lands for a review.

Rob: Why? he says with a very disappointed look on his face. WHY?

Personal pet peeve of mine. Don't put any word in all caps. You indicate such emotion. I like to call it emotional telling. You tell the reader that this is importnat, angry, etc by the caps. Try not to do that.

That was it? You could have asked me for money! You know I would have gladly GIVEN it to you! he screams like a madman. I still cannot understand how? After all the things I've done to you. Looking after you, taking care of you so you would not make the same mistakes I did. Where did I go wrong? he grabs his hair and starts walking around the room, annoyed and confused

.

Here it is again. Thinks of caps as eye sores.

Overall: I have to agree with Vas about the odd structure. I think it is on the verge of being a script, but even then you need more description then what is given here. I will also say that their is nearly no emotion in this. What emotion is given seems perfunctory. Their conversation does not seem real, and is very stilted. I think this comes from the lack of description and other such writing implements that are lacking.

I think if you add in description, thoughts, feelings then it will seem more real and has the potential of showing real emotion.

Phoenix bursts into flames.

First off, I just wanted to point out how funny I think it is that guys seem to always comment on other guy work. Even though it's just completely irrelevant to this review, I wanted to point it out. Anyway, onto your review sport! This was a very interesting piece of writing. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Although, the layout of it was a bit awkward I think. You could have maybe worked with the idea a little clearer. Like italicizing the actions associated with the dialogue. It would have been a lot clearer that way. A lot more easy to read. And another thing that caught my attention was this sentence:

I will not take this kind of things anymore.

This could have been written either as, "I will not take this kind of crap anymore," or as "I will not take these kind of things anymore." I think this piece of writing was great overall. I know this is cliche, but keep up the awesome work..

Hey there, Rob! Hope you're having a great review day so far! I was actually about to head off to bed when I stumbled upon this and something inside me started screaming, "One more review! Just one, and then you can go sleep! All I ask for is one more!" So, here I am, fulfilling the wishes of my inner voice and finishing just one more review before bed. Let's get on with it then, shall we?

Description and Writing Style

One of the first things I noticed when coming here was that you've written this in a very unique format. In fact, when I first clicked on your story I was a bit confused as to what it was, a story or a script.

Now, since you've listed this under romantic short stories, I would suggest reformatting it a bit to make it clearer as to whether or not it is a story. You don't need to make your dialogue seem like lines from a script in a story, it just takes away from the overall impact and message of your piece if you have distractions such as this in there.

I also noticed that you have a bit of description scattered within, but it's not really presented very clearly or easily read. The format of your story makes it a bit hard to understand what you're trying to say or how things look/feel, or even really see the characters as real people. We don't get much insight into the thoughts or feelings of your characters except for through dialogue. You need more description in here for this to be considered a story.

Dialogue and Character Development

I've pretty much covered this up above, though I'll make a few more suggestions here as well.

One, I would just like to suggest that you get one of your friends to read the dialogue out loud with you. Does it sound believable? Does it seem like a conversation that two people might actually have in real life, as well as one that is staged correctly? Make sure that your dialogue sounds real and natural, and it'll seem real and natural on paper as well.

As for character development, I would really suggest that you add some more description so that the whole scene and characters are fleshed out, that they feel like real people in a real situation to your readers. Right now you have a good start, but you really need to flesh out your world more to make it pop, to make it interesting.

Nit-Picks

And here, I'll just go over your story a bit more to look for grammar/sentence structure/general issues that you may want to take another look at. I probably won't get them all, but I'll outline the main things that you should look for when revising so that you know what to improve.

She opens the door slowly, sensing him..

This is a bit oddly worded. She doesn't need to sense him there if he had knocked before she opened the door. She would already know he was there.

Rob: Why? he says with a very disappointed look on his face. WHY?

So, this is one of your main problems that I did mention above, but I'll just mention it again here. In things like your dialogue, you've made it seem like you're trying to mush together a story and a script, and that doesn't really work too well. It works just as well to put your dialogue in quotation marks, and then use your description to show the readers what the character looks like and how he/she says his/her line. Here's an example of how you could fix this line to make it better:

"Why," he asked, his voice rising and his expression disappointed, "why?"

See how I described his expression and tone, eliminating the need for the caps lock on the second "why". Try to rewrite your story to make it flow better and read easier.

But also, it can get a bit awkward if you add something like "he said" or "she said" after each piece of dialogue. If you don't need to describe the character's expression or tone, you don't need a piece of description after the dialogue.

Since when does taking bribe to not go out with me is right?

Extremely awkward and confusing wording here. Try rewording this.

At this moment you could see Robs' hand tightening, just waiting for it to be thrown at something.

This is also awkward, maybe replace the "you" with "she" to make it fit better with the rest of the narrative. Possibly try rewording it as well.

You know I would have gladly GIVEN it to you!

Capitalizing whole words is quite unnecessary and can make your writing seem amateurish. Try to not capitalize whole words like this.

No one there to here her.

Should be "hear" not "here".

That's about it for my nit-picks, just go over it more yourself to make sure you fix what was mentioned.

Overall

Overall, you have a pretty good start here that I can already see has quite a bit of potential. Just revise, edit and rewrite, and you're on your way to making it great!

One thing I would really suggest, and that I have been suggesting in all of my reviews lately is to take a look at the book "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. It's an amazing handbook that gives tips, advice, etc. on grammar, format, writing style, basically everything to do with how to write. It's become an indispensable tool for me, and I'd suggest it to absolutely anyone who's trying to become a better writer.

But anyways, I really should get going since it's dangerously close to midnight here and I need to be up early in the morning. I sincerely hope that this helps! Keep writing, and I'll keep an eye out for more of your work! Goodnight and I hope to see you again sometime here on the wonderful world of YWS!

Thank you very much for the reviews. This is my first short story in a while, so I am a little bit rusty.. I will rewrite it and hopefully something good will come out. Thank you again.

Hello Rob.

He is angry, enraged! The only things he can think of are the things he will say to her. The things he will do to her.

First off, I have something with exclamation points... It has nothing to do with your story, or even grammar, so if ou want to keep it there, it's okay. But I just think that exclamation points are too much emotions. It's show not tell, you would maybe say, and you are right... I'm confusing myself now, so I'm going to stop.
Next sentence that I re-arranged for you, again is not something you have to fix. I just thought that seperating the last two would make more of an effect. Choppiness is always good to form a mood.

Tony: Why what my love?

I think pretty much everyone told you already that this story has weird structure. I don't know if you were trying to make something different by doing so, but I would change it to something a little bit more normal.

Tony: What did I do? She says comma avoiding eye contact.

Rob: You still have the nerve to ask me that? He says comma starting to boil inside.

At this moment you could see Robs' hand tightening, just waiting for it to be thrown at something.
Rob hits the door with so much anger and strength that you could feel the ground shake for a second.

The use of you feels a little bit weird. I'm not sure if it you be better if you used she instead, or just keep it that way.

No one there to hear her.

Overall, I like the story. Great use of the emotions. I would like a little more explanation though. I can't help but feel a little bit confused by it all, since we don't have a huge background on them. They were a couple, I got that. But what were the mistakes he did and didn't want her to do? Mind to explain a little bit more?
Apart from that and the format, it was great.

Great job and keep writing!

-Other One