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Angry Valentines Day!



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Reviews: 267
Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:02 am
Nike says...



Really? Does the whole world have to celebrate this day?! Can't love be for everyday, not just one specific day?!

The banners hung over our school front doors, the black ones where everyone prepare to head to class. It read: Happy Valentines Day! Let Love Shine!

I felt barf flow up my tiny neck. I walked up the concrete steps and took a daring step into the school. I've always loathed V-Day. It's just that it's sick, disgusting, unreal even. Why does there have to be a special day for love, why not show love everyday?!

This world is sick.

The cold winter air has now faded to a warm breeze. Couples were kissing by the card covered lockers and the commotion of "I love you," hung in the air. I just pushed through the loved crowd and reached my own card covered lockers.

With a straight face on, I ripped all the heart shaped cards off my blue locker. There were only a couple, I wasn't as popular as others...

I opened my screechy locker and hung up my blue coat. My heavy books, for every single class, were now in my backpack, breaking my shoulder slowly. God, these things are heavy and I don't feel like walking three floors down just to get them. At least today is an early release, that's the only good thing about Valentines Day.

I shut my locker door, turning around and bumping into a making out couple in front of me. They moaned and giggled.

"Can you like, get a room!?" I pleaded.

They looked at me, disgust all over their faces.

"Just because you're single doesn't mean you get to be bitchy," the Mexican said.

Hey! I thought that Mexicans were nice!

I rolled my eyes and walked passed them, purposely bumping my backpack into them. I walked through the couple filled hall, heading toward my first period class - History.

Once I reached the door, I saw no one inside. Where the heck is everyone?

Even though I wanted to head back to my locker, my feet had their own mind. They lead me into the empty classroom. No one at all...

My thoughts were cut off when I saw a small, card lying on my desk. Startled, I went and took it off and cringed when I saw it. Another V-Day card, I bet it's for Mr. Grecho.

I opened it, expecting a "Happy V-Day Mr. Grecho, from all of us to you!" but I was so mistaken. The red and blue stripped card had a whole different story in it.

"I know that this is really awkward for you. You hate Valentines Day obviously, but I wanted to say something, something that I kept secret for so long..."

Nothing else was written, nothing at all. What's up with that? But, it did say, to Sam Fitz. That's me.

That's when I saw him. He walked through the other door and smiled, so widely that his dimples popped up. Eyes, so green that I imagined limes. He walked up to me. I felt my heart, the one that really never felt any love, beat a thousand times faster.

"...I love you," he finished the letter with his own voice.

My stomach flipped. What did he just say?

"You could have said that any day!" I complained.

He smiled, "But I want you to like Valentines Day..."

He stood there, smiling like crazy. Hand holding mine, staring into my eyes. I can't believe it, am I the luckiest girl or what?

"I will forever and always hate Valentines Day Toby, but..." I sighed.

His smile just made my heart stutter and body tingle all over.

"...I will love this moment,"

He leaned into me, eyes shut. I let my eyelids fall, and I felt the soft kiss make my heart rise.

Wow, V-Day isn't so bad after all.
Last edited by Nike on Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  





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Thu Feb 17, 2011 12:13 pm
Alpha says...



I'm not very good at reviewing, so bear with me, please.
That was pretty good! I really liked it!
The character seemed real, and I can see why she hates Valentine's day.
It's perfect, but this part confused me a bit:

My thoughts were cut off my leave out the "my" and add "when" a card that fell on my head. I took it off and cringed when I saw it. Another V-Day card, I bet it's for Mr. Grecho.

I opened it anyone (maybe you should leave out anyone, and add a comma after "it" )expecting a "Happy V-Day Mr. Grecho, from all of us to you!" but I was so mistaken. The red and blue stripped card had a whole different story in it.


Oh, and this part:
I felt barf, hot, gueey barf, flow up my throat. I walked up the concrete steps and took a daring step into the school. I've always loathed V-Day. It's just that it's sick, disgusting, unreal even.

It kind of puts the reader off. Maybe you can make it a bit more subtle?

Oh, and maybe you should change the part where the card falls on her head, and leave the card on top of her desk, instead. That way, it's more realistic.
Okay, that's it!
Great job,and keep writing!
Cheers,
Alpha
  





User avatar
107 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 17265
Reviews: 107
Tue Feb 22, 2011 11:21 am
Alpha says...



Okay, now it's much better!
You're a very talented writer, and with reading and practice, you'll make it in the big world in no time(should you decide to become an author, that is)!
Great job!
Alpha
P.S. I just noticed something else. Don't worry, it's just a tiny mistake:
His smile just made my heart stutter and body tingle all over.

Hearts don't strutter, strutter is a way of speaking- when something makes you nervous. Perhaps you should change it to "beat faster" or "made my heart race" or something like that...
Well, that's it!
;)
  








"I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
— Pablo Neruda