Young Writers Society

My fingers tapped the strings of my new guitar and I strummed them as well. A beautiful tone came from it; I played to the song “Mercy”. I found the strings on the internet.
“Angel of Mercy, how did you find me… where did you read my story…?” I sang out to the music.

That’s when someone knocked on my door and I hit the stop button on my computer. I record songs onto my laptop, but I never actually show anyone them. But today was different. I was in an actual recording studio that my dad found for me.
He knew that I loved recording songs, and that I loved doing everything about music.

Now I was just practicing before I actually started recording my demo. My parents and best friends persuaded me to join the talent show and I needed a demo for it. I don’t know why though, I mean you do it live but they need it.

“Come in,” I said into the microphone that hung from the ceiling.

The door opened and I saw through the glass a weird guy. I mean he wasn’t really weird, but I never met him before. But, he was really cute and looked a bit familiar.

My heart stopped when he smiled. He smiled at me.

“Um, who are you…?” I asked, hesitating.

He chuckled and ducked his head down a bit. His dark brown bangs fell onto his eyes when he looked back up at me.
He walked up to the recording booth and hit a red button, which let him talk to me through microphone. He put on these huge black headphones and spoke up.

“What did you say…? I couldn’t hear you,” he said in a deep voice.

My stomach flipped when I heard his voice. Wow, its wow.

“I asked who are you,” I repeated.

“You don’t know me?” he asked, shocked.

I shook my head.

“I’m Dean Evans, you?”

That name didn’t sound familiar at all. How was I supposed to know him?

“Apathy Reynolds,” I replied.

He smiled the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. My heart lifted into the air. I put my hair behind my ear because it was flaying in front of my eyes.

“That’s a weird name, Apathy,” he indicated.

“Yeah, but I think that it’s interesting, not weird,” I pressed.

He chuckled once again making my heart skip a beat. I put my guitar in its open case and hopped off the high black leather chair. I took off my headphones, laying them on the notes stand and walked out of the room and Dean took off his headphones. I smiled from ear to ear once I saw him closer. He was really really cute.

“So, Apathy, what are you doing in my studio?” he asked, a little less happy.

My smile faded away slowly.

“This is my studio; my dad rented it for today.” I said.

He put his hands into his black skinny jeans pockets. What did he want from me?

“Oh really…?” he asked, sarcastically.

“Yes, really.” I pushed.

I put my hand on my hip, feeling the top of my grey skinny jeans.

“Well then, I’m sorry for butting in.” he apologized.

“It’s okay…” I looked down at the metal flooring.

I lifted my head back up, seeing that Dean was sitting on the leather black swivel chair. He was picking at some of the buttons on the booth, which flashed at everything he touched.

“Um, what are you doing...?” I walked up to him.

I pulled my Ozzy Osbourne top a little lower; it was riding up my stomach.

“I’m just helping your singing…” he said, not really concentrating at me.

“Uh, by playing with some buttons?” I asked.

He chuckled, “Yes, you have a great voice but I want to make your voice louder than the guitar. It’s your first time
right?”

“Yup,” I replied.

He pointed at the door, putting on his headphones. “Can you go back and try again?”

“I was just practicing first…”

He looked at me, eyebrow cocked up.

“Well, are you gonna practice all day?”

I shook my head.

“Then let’s try, is this going to be a demo CD?”

“Uhuh,” I said, walking to the sound proofed door.

“Then this will be fun,” he smiled.

I walked in, shutting the door behind me. I sat on the chair and grabbed my red guitar, ready to play One Republic again. I put on the headphones that were on notes stand.

“This is a cover CD…?” he kept on asking questions.

“Just some of the songs are covers, the rest are mine,” I explained.

“Good, that means that you are a true artist.”

I grew a shy smile and ducked my head down a bit, looking at the strings of my guitar.

“Ready…?” he asked.

“Yup,”

“Go,”

I strung the strings to the notes and let the music flow into my eyes. I shut my eyes for a bit and started to sing my favorite lyrics by One Republic.
I opened my eyes and saw him tapping his fingers on the booth.

Wow, this is fun and amazing. Some guy just came in to help me, but why’d he think that I’d know him? I mean, who knows him?

Well, now I do. But I bet a lot of people know him; however he expected me to know him. That’s weird.

After the whole song was done, he clapped with a great smile on his face. It caused my heart to stutter as I strummed my strings accidentally. I blushed and put my guitar back down.

“So…? How was I?” I asked.

“Great,” he replied.

My stomach made a somersault.

Continued...

Hey there, Nike!



This story lacks depth, especially when it comes to the two characters present here and the MC's thoughts. This not only recounts about their points of view, physical appearance but also of how they do the actions, and the setting/plot. Like for example, Apathy tells to the readers that Dean is all weird-looking at first and what I think is that you should expand more of her opinions, or state reasons why he looks weird to her.

Their reactions are not really realistic. Maybe because I'm just surprised why Apathy isn't curious of Dean so much since he's a just a stranger in the story at the first part and wouldn't she call her dad or something? And there is this one instance when Dean says he owns the studio. Perhaps you should speak more of it. ^^

Your characters are fine, but I know they could be portrayed better. They just lack some characteristics which would totally made them stand out. Bring them in some personalities because as for now, Apathy likes music and it maybe an obvious happening that she might like Dean.

Descriptions should be shown to your readers very well. And I hope you would show or portray about the studio more since the story event happens there.

Grammar wise, you should be careful of your dialogs. Sometimes you don't need them and some should be replaced with another things. Like the speech tag for example, don't forget that if you'll place a speech tag, use a comma after someone's dialog. Another thing you lack here is your showing. You should do it here more often especially when you're having a tricky point of view- first person. Every thing that she sees important should be well-written.

Overall, this has potential. This review is entirely based on my opinions and hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Heya Nike, I saw your story only had one review on it so I figured I'd return your favor .

My fingers tapped the strings of my new guitar and I strummed them as well.

When you play the guitar you don't really tap the strings, more press them into the frets.

I found the strings on the internet.

Tabs they're called tabs.

The door opened and I saw through the glass a weird guy. I mean he wasn’t really weird, but I never met him before.

You miiiight want to work on your descriptions.

My heart stopped when he smiled. He smiledat me.

I can already see where you're going to take this and really I'd like to get to know the character more before you toss us into her (I'm assuming her?) romantic exploits.

“Um, what are you doing...?” I walked up to him.

Wait, is she in the recording booth, or in the studio itself?

“Uh, by playing with some buttons?” I asked.

Uhh... if she were really that interested in music I'm pretty sure she'd know what a soundboard is, and what it's used for. And if it was her first time recording she'd have a tech in there to help her.

“Good, that means that you are a true artist.”

God this sounds so mega cheesy. Think about it would someone seriously say this?

My stomach made did a somersault.

This isn't exactly a great ending line, it feels like you kind of just stopped writing, it's not finished yet.

Overall you do a whole lot of just telling us stuff. "I did this, and he did that" I really want you to describe it to me. Another thing is you really need to work on is really developing your MC's character. What is she like? What's her life like, how does she feel about music? These things are extremely important.

Right now I'd just look at this as a basic outline for a story. Go back and edit, and add more, and PM me wen you do I'd like to take a look at it

Good luck!

~Hope