Young Writers Society

*deleted*

Hey pointe!

Thanks for the follow by the way

So, I saw that you were entering Teardrop's contest too, so I thought I'd take a look at your entry for you!

There's a couple of things I want to point out;

1.Tenses. You switch tenses a couple of times throughout this piece. It makes the piece a little choppy at times.

E.g -

I look at him.

This sentence is in present tense, but then a couple of sentences later, you switch to past tense -

The strobe lighting flashed off his face, and onto mine.

Now, the majority of the story seems to be told in past tense, so I'd stick to using that. This means changing 'look' in the first sentence highlighted, to 'looked'

'I looked at him'

He is so shallow.

I might be wrong on this, but I think 'is' should be 'was'

He stands there, holding a bouquet of roses and expects everything to be okay.

This strikes me as present tense, so I'd change it to -

'He stood there, holding a bouquet of roses and expecting everything to be okay.'

to keep the whole piece in one tense.

A truck. That’s what hits me. Or that’s what it feels like. Her husband? Husband?
It’s unbelievable. She swore she loved me.
I walk quickly, then break into a run, I had to get out of this place.

This is in present tense too. It should be something along the lines of -

'A truck slammed into me. Or at least that was what it felt like. Her husband? Husband?
It’s unbelievable. She'd sworn she loved me.
I walked quickly, then broke into a run. I had to get out of this place.'

I'd also put 'Her husband? Husband?' into italics as it's a thought.

If anything, she got more beautiful.

'she'd got'

And then there’s another truck.

Try - 'And then there was another truck, heavier than the first.'

Because she’s sitting in the lap of Alyssa.

'Because she was sitting in Alyssa's lap.'


2. Nit-piks.

The music the D.J. was playing, Tik Tock by Ke$ha I think.

This sentence reads a little awkwardly. Perhaps try re-wording it to something like -

'The D.J was playing Tik Tock by Ke$ha.'

Ugh. Couples.

This sounds like a thought so I'd maybe put it in italics.

Older, that probably were there to see my public embarrassment a decade ago.

This is a bit hard to read. Try re-wording it to something like -

'Older people who may have even been here to witness my public embarrassment a decade ago.'

I was a self-proclaimed heart breaker, and who knew who my victim would be if she wasn’t here. When she had told me no, it broke me.

The 'she' here is a bit unclear. I know that he's referring to Alyssa, but you never actually say it. Maybe add in a thought here inbetween the two sentences above so it reads.

'I was a self-proclaimed heart breaker, and who knew who my victim would be if she wasn’t here. Alyssa. When she had told me no, it broke me.'

Also, this part -

When she had told me no, it broke me.

sounds a little strange. Try something like -

'When she'd said no, it had broken me.'

No.

This is a thought so I'd put it in italics.

A young man, maybe twenty-two was cleaning glasses.

You need another comma after 'twenty-two'

3. Overall impression.

I thought it was good. A nice little story, but you left me a little confused. What had James done to Alyssa in the first place to make her hate him so much? We, as the reader, have no clue, so we're left feeling a little lost. This lack of information also leaves us unable to sympathise with Alyssa. We don't know why she's so upset, so we can't care that she's sad and angry at James. Did he cheat on her? If so, I'd add in something that hints at that somewhere in the story. I think here would be good -

But now, with my heart broken in two, uneven, jagged pieces, I hated it.

You could either add a thought in after this sentence, with her thinking something along the lines of - 'Why did he have to cheat?' Or, you could add something into the dialogue like -

"Well you should have thought about the consequences before you went off with her."

We don't have to know who 'her' is, but at least we'll understand why Alyssa is so upset.

Other than that, and the things I've pointed out above, I think this was a nice piece

It shouldn't take long to edit and then I'm sure you'll have a contender for first place!

I hope I've helped and thanks for the read.

Good luck in the contest!

xDudettex

In February of 2000 the song Tik Tok by Ke$ha would definitely not be playing....

Hello there.

This is a interesting story, and I liked it. I'm a little bit confused about the ending though. So Mila's with Alyssa now? It's what I understood, and I hope I'm right. It's a great ending, and unexpected. I would write a little bit more details about the reason Alyssa was mad at the beginning. What was it he did? Did he cheat on her? And you should also clarify that he was proposing. He looked up, still on one knee. That's pretty clear, right? Try to use something like that.

Great story, and keep writing!

-Other One

Good Work! Here are some things that I found:
Part One:

February 14, 2000

{Alyssa}

He is so shallow. He stands there, holding a bouquet of roses and expects everything to be okay. As if! He broke my heart. Hurt me. And he expects me to accept this? A ring and roses is his apology? Well that’s so not happening.

“Alyssa, please I’m sorry.”

I look at him. Wavy black hair falling across his forehead, brow furrowed.

The music the D.J. was playing, Tik Tock by Ke$ha I think. The strobe lighting flashed off his face, and onto mine. Red, Pink, white. The colors of Valentine’s day. A day for the weak.

Don’t get me wrong. I used to love February fourteenth. But now, with my heart broken in two, uneven, jagged pieces, I hated it.

“Please. There should be a comma here” His face was creased and contorted by the pain he felt.

“Yeah. Like I’m going to forgive you.”

Maybe think about moving this up there^ and making the full stop in the speech a commaMy voice was so cold. Distant. Not mine.

“Alyssa. I’m sorry!” His voice rose to a shout.

Dancing couples turned to stare. My best friend Mila stopped making out with her fiancé to stare at us. Ugh. Couples.

“Leave me alone James.”

I walked away, letting my feet carry me outside, where hopefully I could seek solitude.

Part Two:

February 14, 2010

{James}

Was she here?

It looked exactly as it had ten years ago when I tried to marry her. The strobe lighting flashing across random people in the crowd, younger people, in love. Older, that probably were there to see my public embarrassment a decade ago. Well that was behind us now. I was a self-proclaimed heart breaker, and who knew who my victim would be if she wasn’t here. When she had told me no, it broke me. I was mentally unhinged for a while. I kissed random girls and even got engaged to two. Then broke it, leaving for the new young thing that walked past. I'm a bit confused in this paragraph.

But now I was different. I had come back to make up with her.

If she was here.

I walked up to the bar, pushing through the dancing people, skimpily clad girls that made my heart rac— hmmm what happened there? was this deliberate?

No.

I was here to make up with Alyssa. Nothing more.

I reached the bar. A young man, maybe twenty-two was cleaning glasses.

“Do you have an Alyssa Madres here?” I said, praying she was here.

The young man looked through the guest book, I saw my name flash past, then other people I didn’t know.

“Yeah she and her husband are here.”

A truck. That’s what hits me. Or that’s what it feels like. Her husband? Husband?

It’s unbelievable. She swore she loved me.

I walk quickly, then break into a run, I had to get out of this place.

“James!” A voice, so melodic, so familiar, even though I hadn’t heard it in ten long years.

“Recognize me sweetheart?” I turned to her. Mila. Her old best friend. If anything, she got more beautiful. Her long black hair, blue eyes, full… lower case K Kissable... Lips.

And then there’s another truck.

Because she’s sitting in the lap of Alyssa.
I'm unsure of this ending, I don't understand it.

I liked it but you should have continued it on. I didn't like the ending at all. Sorry :/ Well, I agree with all of the reviewers.
XOXO
Cassie