Young Writers Society

Hey guys,
I got great reviews for part one. Thanks bunches.
I hadn't actually planned to continue this short story, but some wanted me to continue for multiple reasons ranging from understandibility (is that a word?) to the abrupt ending of the story. I'm going to take a crack at it, but it might not turn out great. I apologize for the typos. I don't have my own computer with me. Here it goes. As always, reviews are welcome.
Want to read "Girls?" post813044.html#p813044
Want to read "Boys like Girls?" post819306.html#p819306


I take the wrench from my dad's toolbox and tighten a bolt. Taking deep breaths and try to fight the urge to jerk it. I'm still angry, though if it was anyone else I'd be over it. I study the bike and smile with satisfaction.

My dad made motorcycles. I don't have enough money or the expertise to do anything like that. I buy old ones that won't run, for low prices, and fix them up. If I ask nicely, Marcus will do the paint work... or he used to. He understands this is all I have left of my dad, until he comes home from overseas.

I shake my head. Forget him. Forget him. Forget him. The boy's obviously clueless, the village idiot. I pick up a rag and wipe my oily hands on it quickly, storming over to the door.

"It looks nice."

I freeze.

The voice is soft and worried.

I turn slowly, watching him wearily as he walks into the garage, his head bent, his hands stuffed into his pockets.

He laughs. "I see blue with lime green flames for this one." He stands beside the bike and admires it openly. "So... Abigail gave me a ride home, since mine kind of ditched me." He glances at me with a wry smile. "That backfired on you."

I blush and spin on my heel, ready to find refuge in the house. "Go buzz off with your stupid sketches, Marcus," I say hotly, opening the door.

"Lila," he whispers, "You've been my friend for a long time. Can't we work this out? I've seen you in the worst of times and in the best. I kept you company when your dad left. I helped you paint those bikes of yours and sell them. I don't know what I did, but I'm willing to try and fix it." He moves closer to me.

My hand squeezes the doorknob. I've been an idiot, so stupid. He won't understand.

He clears his throat when I don't answer and sighs. "Okay. Plan B."

I hear him do that funny shuffle thing he does with his feet when he's nervous and make myself release the doorknob.

"Abigail saw you walk out of the cafeteria today."

I nod, moving to my bike again. "That's not too hard."

He chuckles. "No... That's why she offered to give me a ride home. She asked what was wrong." He chews at his lip and shakes his head. "I didn't know what to tell her."

I sigh. Oh, boy... "Listen, Marcus. I don't know what you told her, but if you got some response to your crush, I'm glad for you. I just don't want to hear it."

"Okay... That's not what I was going to tell you." He grabs my shoulders, making me face him. "I told her the truth, but I'd had an hour and a half to think about what you said, and, I'm not saying that Abigail is nothing to me. I still... I mean... I'm still... interested."

I scoff. "Really? You just spilled your guts to a complete stranger."

"Ah... Not quite. I told her you mistook my picture for a... mild interest, when I just thought she was a good subject. She gave me an odd idea." He studies me with his eyebrows slightly drawn together. "She's not a stranger," he murmurs.

Mild interest? I stare at the wall just beside his head, refusing to look him in the eye. "She doesn't know anything about you, Marcus. You're just some... geek that she can cheat off of."

"That's what I was to you in sixth grade, Lila, and you were just some rough tomboy." He holds my chin, again forcing me to make eye contact. "What were you going to ask me, Lila?" He scrutinizes my face.

I look down, despite his firm grip. "Nothing."

"Lila!" He shakes his hand, jarring my head and making me meet his eye again. "We know each other too well. Don't lie to me, please."

I push my lips together to keep them from trembling. "I was going to ask you..." I sigh. "Damn it, Marcus, can't we forget it?"

"No, we can't!" he mutters harshly. "Do you want me to tell you what you were going to ask?"

I don't answer, unwilling to.

"Fine, I'll fight you every step of the way." He frames my face and asks quietly, "You were going to ask me to go out with you?"

My eyes widen. How did he- "Are you over Abigail?" I whisper, wishing I could say no.

He sighs. "I can't say yes. This has been going on for a long time, Lila."

"The mild interest?" I spit out.

His hands drop to his sides as if my face scalded his hands, and he blinks, pushing his glasses up in jerky movements. "I've got to go." He practically runs out of the garage, leaving me alone, surprised and unguarded.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know if I mean him or me. Maybe I mean both. I kick the wall, using my fist to abuse it as well. Damn!

Stupid boys.


I'm not sure where this is going, depending on the reviews I may write another part. I'm worried about the abruptness of the dialouge. I tried to fix it after a few reviews, but I'm not sure if I did. I hope you enjoyed this. I changed to Lila as my main character, but I'm not sure about it, so please answer the poll. Thank you.

Hey.

At first I was confused on who was the MC. Then I got it. And I liked it. I don't have time for a full review but I have a couple things to say. First of all, I don't like how Marcus gets over Abigail so fast, it's unrealistic. Second, I'm not liking how Marcus is randomly yelling at her. Third, saying 'You were going to ask me to date you?' is kind of awkward, maybe try 'You were going to ask me out?', it's more slangafied and teenaged. I lovve this! WRITE MORE NAOOOOW!

Favorite Line: Stupid, stupid, stupid. I don't know if I mean him or me. Maybe I mean both.

Grade: A-

~Jas

I'm reviewing from my mobile, since I was too impatient to use my laptop, haha! So it won't look as extensive as it possibly could.
At any rate, I enjoyed this very much! I loved how you completely changed perspectives, which is quite difficult to do (I should know, haha!). I did find some spelling errors, very minor, but it seems you're going to return later to edit those, I assume? You were right about how abrupt the dialogue was, it made things a little speedy for my own personal comfort- but others mught find that ok, I'm just picky. Thanks so much for sharing!

~Panda;;

Hello there.

Well, I liked this part, almost as much as the first one. You have something for abrupt ending, do you? I like it, how it's rough and leaves the readers on a constant cliff. It adds some spice to it. I don't think the dialogue is too abrupt, if you consider the situation. Plus, I like the fact that we know more with the dialogue, not the other way around, which is the right way to write.

I don't have much to say... I'm sorry for the short review. Keep writing!

-Other One

Hey again!

I couldn't resist reviewing this too

I take the wrench from my dad's toolbox and tighten a bolt, taking deep breaths, trying to fight the urge to jerk it.

This isn't a bad opening line, but I'd suggest splitting it into two -

'I take the wrench from my dad's toolbox and tighten a bolt. Taking deep breaths, I try to fight the urge to jerk it.'

I buy old ones that won't run for low prices and fix them up.

This sentence needs commas -

'I buy old ones that won't run, for low prices, and fix them up.'

storming over the door.

You need 'to' after 'over'

He laughed.

'laughed' should be 'laughs'

He stood beside it and admired it openly.

This is written in past tense and what 'it' is, is a bit unclear. Try -

'He stands beside one of the bikes I've fixed up and admires it openly.'

He glanced at me

'glanced' should be 'glances'

spin on my heel

I think 'heel' should be 'heels'

He held my chin, again forcing me to make contact.

'held' should be 'holds' Also, you need 'eye' after 'make' and the comma needs to be after 'again' not before it -

'He holds my chin again, forcing me to make eye contact.'

meet his eye again.

'eye' should be 'eyes'

" Are you over Abigail?"

Just a typo - you don't need the space between the quotation mark and 'Are'

He practically ran out of the garage, leaving me alone, surprised and unguarded.

'ran' should be 'runs'

2. Overall impression -

I liked this too. I liked that you followed straight on, give or take a few hours, from 'Girls.' It meant that none of the plot or atmosphere had time to disappear between the two pieces, like it would if you had set 'Boys' two days later.

The relationship between the two main characters is realistic and I like how you had this piece in the point of view of Lilian - it meant we got both characters reactions. I don't think this would have worked as well if you'd have carried this on with Marcus as the MC.

Well done on this and I hope my review is helpful

xDudettex