Young Writers Society

Been in the mood the mood to write lately, so this is
something really short I decided to write. ^_^ Hope it's decent!!

Walking down the street is hard. You walk along the same road, on the opposite side, holding hands with her. Her laugh is loud, obnoxious. But it makes you smile, like mine never did. We used to be best friends. Late nights in bean-bag chairs, sodas and video games. And then she came along. She was like a tornado- she swept you up and has yet to set you down. Nights are spent at the movies, your arm slung over her shoulder, her head resting peacefully on yours. I sit at home, looking at the pictures of us enjoying corn-dogs at Disney, riding rollercoasters, and just being.. friends. But you're no longer mine.. you're hers. Will you ever be mine again? Will we ever have thumb wars again? Will I ever get to tell you how your eyes are oceans of turqoise gems? Walking down the street is hard. You look over at me, a friendly smile and a small tear follows.

*Yes I do know that it is very short, I tend to get that a lot when I post short poems/stories that I have said are going to be.. short.

Hey,

I adore this. It was the cutest little piece and I love how you've had this girls best friend be taken away by this other girl, that may signify love, seperation or plainly maturing and growing up. It was, as you said very short, but I think that in this story shortness works. I think that you should expand on it anyway, because I'd love to see more but it's up to you. What I didn't get is the 'Will I ever get to tell you how your eyes are oceans etc" part. All of a sudden, this isn't just a friendship, now it seems that she actually likes this guy. I REAAAAALLLY think that you need to elaborate on that part, because I have a guy best friend and I wouldn't tell him that his eyes are oceans of turquoise gems unless I liked him in a more than friends type of way. A little nitpick, at the end, I can't tell who's crying and who's waving, so you need to clear that upo. Other than that, great job, very sweet story!

Overall: A-

~Jas

It's short!



















...Nah, don't worry, that wasn't all I was going to say!

It's a good start, but I would like to see this expanded, if only because I think everyone knows this sort of feeling and the loneliness it can cause. So! Some ideas for the continuation of this story! What if she tried to rebuild the friendship, ended up getting the girlfriend ticked off at her, made her friend feel awful for having to be neutral, etc.? And the reason why I'm suggesting this is because I looooooove conflict and I think it really makes a story. So! More conflict might make this better. As far as this goes, it's a good start!

(Hint: That means I want to see moooooooooore!)

Hello! I really enjoyed this piece. It is short, but it's explicit and really gets straight to the point.
First thing: I think this might work better if you broke it up like a poem. Otherwise, your emotions seem to get a bit too confused and I don't have time to comprehend everything you want to say.
Now on to the editing!

Walking down the street is hard.

First off, I think you could say, "Walking down that street is hard." ('That' instead of 'the')
It gives a bit more meaning to your street, and the reader understands it's important. Also, I'd make that line its own seperate paragraph. It will add more emphasis.

You walk along the same road, on the opposite side, holding hands with her. Her laugh is loud, obnoxious. But it makes you smile, like mine never did. (Again, I'd end the paragraph here.) We used to be best friends.

I like this line. It lets the reader know what exactly is going on between the characters.

We used to be best friends. Late nights in bean-bag chairs, sodas and video games. And then she came along. She was like a tornado- she swept you up and has yet to set you down.

Seperate paragraph. You get the drill.
I would take out the 'and'. I don't think you need it. Also, take out the 'she' in 'she swept you up'.

Nights are spent at the movies, your arm slung over her shoulder, her head resting peacefully on yours. I sit at home, looking at the pictures of us enjoying corn-dogs at Disney, riding rollercoasters, and just being.. friends.

I would add 'Your' to the begining of the paragraph. It helps to differentiate. Instead of doing 'her head resting peacegully on yours', I would make that, "her head resting peacefully on your shoulder". The idea of two heads resting on eachother seems strange to me. Also, if you're going to do an ellipsis, please use three periods instead of two. Besides that, you're doing great!

But you're no longer mine.. you're hers. Will you ever be mine again? Will we ever have thumb wars again? Will I ever get to tell you how your eyes are oceans of turqoise gems? Walking down the street is hard. You look over at me, a friendly smile and a small tear follows.

Instead of an ellipsis, I think a period would look better. Try rephrasing "Will you ever be mine again?", because you just used 'mine'. How about, "Will you ever belong to me?". And then change "the street" to "that street" like the begining. I really like the last sentence!

Overall, this is a very cute piece. I really like it; I think many people can relate. I like how you didn't give the characters names-the reader can assume for himself. Just edit it a little, and this will be perfect! Great job!
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me.
Keep writing,
Cassie

Hey there!

This is a nice little vignette, but I kind of wish it had a little bit more. As is, it kind of comes across a little... whiny? I mean, there can't be no redeeming quality to the other girl, can there? I mean, if the narrator really liked the boy all that much, he has to be a decent guy, so why would he fall for someone with no redeeming quality? And if he did, then I would think he wouldn't really be all that worth it.

I dunno, it just sort of bothers me when the competition is presented as being entirely without merit. It makes either the unlucky girl sound really jealous and not recognizing the good in others, or the boy sound like a complete idiot for missing how horrible his girlfriend is.

Just a little bit of reconciliation, maybe? If nothing else, a bit of recognition of the other girl's merits? It'd give the piece a more of a melancholic, tragic feel, than a raging whine about how unfair it all is.

Also, I agree with cjscoot about breaking it up a little. It'd read just a little smoother and look just a little sharper.

All in all though, I did like the imagery and quick hit of emotion of this piece. It was short, and that kept it from being overdone or angsty. It was just a quick one-two of words and it communicated a lot really quickly. Nice.

~GryphonFledgling

Turqoise- turquoise. Otherwise, a very sweet piece. I would suggest MAYBE turning this into a poem instead. If I weren't in class, I'd give a more elaborate critique! At any rate, nice!

~Panda;;

Gotta say Gryphon, I'm a bit confused. I didn't describe any of the qualities in the 'other' girl- I merely made it so that it was obvious the boy was spending more time with her than he was his best friend. It wasn't really about their qualities so much as him not hanging out with her anymore and I feel like you were more focused on the characters and their personalities while when I wrote it was more about the bestfriend feeling lonely.

Hello there.

So, I'm going to state the obvious... It's short. Not like you're learning anything. The truth is, I need more details, more substance. This is a really cute story, and I really like it, that is the reason I want to read more.

What Snoik said would be a good idea... Also, I have a question for you. Is the MC a girl or a guy? It might not be important to the story, but if it is, I think it would be a good idea to clarify that through the thoughts or something. And, If its a girl, does she have romantic feelings towards him? Or it's just a matter of loneliness? Again, a little bit more clarification would be great.

I love the emotions in this piece, and I'm sure it would be ever more awesome if there would be a tiny more.

-Other One