z

Young Writers Society


Princess who? Who said we had to be prim and proper?



what do you think?

Poll ended at Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:45 am

needs more work
3
50%
to fractured
2
33%
perfect
0
No votes
not bad read better
0
No votes
good for first timer
1
17%
needs to be changed in places it rocks
0
No votes
 
Total votes : 6


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Gender: Female
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Tue Feb 01, 2011 12:45 am
kais1993 says...



I’m princess Vashalissa and I’m in big trouble, see I was promised to this really ugly rich prince. See most princesses are really meek and would have said okay just so they wouldn’t get into trouble. Not me. That’s the other part of my problem I’m not meek, I’m a loud, noisy, boisterous, naughty, uncontrollable princess, royals don’t like that in a princes, to bad. I am the last in my line, but I’ll tell you about that later.

You see there are eight royal families, the Dasakova’s, really rich and produce only really cute sons, but I don’t hear any girls complaining. The Victorkova’s, rich, powerful, sons and daughters all good looking. The Valkarine’s, that’s my family, we used to be the third largest of all the royals not now. The Dimitrite’s, wow is it suddenly hot in here, they only produce only sons, their very presence in a room demands attention, they are the hottest things on two legs. Like drool. Oops were was I, oh yeah, the Sanderovoka’s, they are not one of the most popular families, ok I lie, they are hated beyond all reason, they blew up a party killing most of Christian’s family and all of mine, all but me. My family was meant to be next in line for the throne not now they are umm….. Boom. The Banderkellar’s they are quiet and never heard from much, they have some hot sons. Then there is the Delphino’s they are evil in every sense of the word, they are a fire based family, fire is not liked by the other royals, Christian’s family was killed he went dark and never spoke much after that, he just faded away into the back ground. I like Christian there is something dark and mysterious about him, something dangerous, he is a foot taller than me with jet black hair and a muscled body. Purr. Lastly there is the Tenterokova’s they are ugly and are the last in line for any thing.

Now back to me being a loud, noisy, boisterous, naughty, uncontrollable princess. I had no problem with what I was doing last night. I was at a ball to celebrate my engagement to one of the Tenterokova’s boys, eeww gross. He is a foot shorter than me with witch’s warts all over his face; he stuck to me like glue all night, till I managed to escape. The ‘I’m gonna puke’ excuse never fails especially since all the royals are dressed a million dollars. I run out of the main hall and into a side room where I knew that there would be no one and a comfy couch. I hadn’t taken any notice of the room I was in but the scent of a cigarette that hit my nose was familiar. Christian! I didn’t realise it was him, till he lit his hand up fire surrounding it, I jumped back in fright.
“What did I scare little princess Lissy”
“Hey moron, I told you not to call me that” I snapped back
“Ooh snappy, what doesn’t the little princess want to marry warty boy?”
“I have to it is my duty to my family!”
“Sure, sure duty, honour and protect, your families motto” he teased
“Well at least my family isn’t a bunch a psycho maniacs that play with fire.”
“Well at least you have a family that loved you my family tried to kill me in that blast, the pain was terrible, you can never no how that feels” he started to walk away
“I no how it feels” I shouted backing up against the wall. Now I was in trouble I was up against a wall with Christian starring at me and I was trembling. So much for big and brave. The hand that I dreamed would take me by the waist instead pinned my hand to the wall above me head. I was surprised; I could see some emotion in his stone cold eyes, but very little.
“Don’t assume to no how I feel, I can control myself you, are uncontrollable”. Then I saw it, he was lying he was fighting for control, but I was getting the upper hand. I love being uncontrollable.
“That’s it”
“What” he snapped
“You’re the same as me, fighting for control, but you want this so bad it hurts doesn’t it?”
“No” he snapped. I had him worked up now.
“I can control my self, you wouldn’t understand”
“But I do. You put on a brave face and can stay in control most of the time, but some times like now “I whispered “You don’t want to” I whispered leaning closer to Christian.
“Vashalissa, don’t” his breathing was laboured and his heartbeat was fast. I knew he was fighting hard now. I knew I should have stopped it then and there but… I felt so good being naughty.

I knew it was forbidden, he knew it was forbidden, neither of us cared. I felt my control snap, before he could he could stop me I lent forward and kissed him, I felt him kiss me back I knew he wanted this as much as I did. He moved closer trapping me against the wall. He kept holding my hand while his other snaked behind my back pulling me fully up against him, never once letting go of my lips. It felt good. He let go of my arms and quickly shed his jacket and shirt, then went to work on my dress and the long zipper covered in lace. He soon got that undone and I was left in nothing but my purple lace underwear set.
“Nice” he murmured then without him realising till it was to late I pulled him down on the couch on top of me; his hands took control of me and my body. We kept kissing and kissing and kissing, his touch as like fire, literally, he still had on his pants and I my lace set but he took this slowly.

He must have seen something in my eyes cause he reached around to undo my necklace, just as he sat it on the lamp table, the door flew open and in walked warty boy as Christian so impolitely put it. It suited him though.
“Shit” I whispered, Christian’s head snapped up and he put on this cute drunk face, “Hi” he said while I hid my dress under the couch and threw his jacket over me,
“Hello, have you seen Vashalissa, she run out sick before and she has not been seen since”
“No, the last thing I remember was duck for dinner”
“It was turkey, but a disgraced, drunk royal like your self wouldn’t be expected to no that”
“Of course your Royal Highness” Christian returned every word dripping with venom, when I heard him call warty boy that it was my undoing, I giggled.
“If you want to get caught you’re going the right way about it” Christian then quickly silenced me with a passionate kiss.
“Hey I was talking to yo-, oh I see your busy, I’ll just leave”
“Thanks, that would be nice,” I whispered, oops.
“Vashalissa, you filthy tramp” he wasn’t going to get away with that, that arse.
“We are not even married yet you over stuffed idiot” Ha, lame but ha.
He ran out of the room, no doubt to get my guardians. See when my family was killed I went to a distant relation of mine, I didn’t no them. They tried to raise me, tried. See my family is, was a spirit family we can do any thing that involves the dead and I am rare, can heal as well, I healed Christian when the blast almost killed us, he should have died.

So that’s why I found my self locked in my room when I woke up, I don’t remember getting there, but Christian isn’t allowed near me. Warty boys family refused to let him marry me, woo hoo.

I drifted off to sleep. Only to be woken awhile later by an inconsistent tapping at my window. I slowly drifted over to my window, it was then when I paused to open the door did I realise that I was wearing Christian’s jacket it smelt like him. Mmm. I opened the glass French doors and walked out on to the small private balcony,
“You will get caught, go before you get into trouble, Christian go,” I whispered furiously
“If getting in trouble means I get to see my naughty princess again, it’ll be worth it”
Then with out another word he started to climb up the lattice beside my balcony, when he reached the top, he swooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately.
“It was worth it,” he murmured
“I agree, totally” I said while pulling his shirt up over his head and dropping his coat on the floor.

We continued were we left, all day and late into the night, joining several times. When I finally fell asleep it was with my head resting on Christian’s chest, my hair spread out over him like a black blanket. My hair is ankle length and jet black.

When I woke I was staring into the eyes of an angry official.
“Uh Christian we’re in trouble”
“Oh shit, yeh, we are” I knew that I had to do something so I blurted out everything I knew about how I had healed Christian and how he should be dead, then I, before anyone could stop me ran to the bathroom and locked the door and proceeded to swallow any pills I could find. Christian was the first into the room, he burnt the door. I was told that he convinced the officials that if they wanted my line to continue then they should let us be together. I woke in a hospital five days later Christian by my side.

He told me that the council had agreed to let us be together, the next thing shocked then thrilled me, he told me that I was pregnant, with magic you can tell if your pregnant a day after conception.

In the years to come many deaths befell our families and many births to, but we lived in peace and fought in wars, as one, as a family. I gave birth to two daughters nine months later Christy an angel with daddy wrapped around her little finger and valkarie a little mummy’s girl. It was our life and we were happy, as one, together.

Duty, honour and protect.

Our family motto.
  





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213 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 15813
Reviews: 213
Tue Feb 01, 2011 4:12 am
SporkPunk says...



Hey there Kais! Welcome to YWS! I'm SporkPunk and I'll review this today.

Now, I'll be upfront with you. This has a lot of errors, ones that really detract from this piece. You should probably work on fixing them. Things like punctuation are all off, and spelling's a bit odd, among other things like that. The dialogue is pretty choppy, and the end is just kind of like "BAM!" and it's done. Also, did you notice this piece is quite similar to Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead? Your characters are all clan type things, have elemental controls, your MC is named Vashalissa, and Mead's is named Vasilisa, whose nickname is Lissa and yours is Lissy. They all have vaguely Russian last names, like in VA, and there's the classic brooding boy, who also features in VA. There's guardians in your story, as well as hers if I remember correctly. I'm not saying you're copying, I just think it's something to watch for. :)

Good luck revising this!

Sporks
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Thu Feb 03, 2011 1:41 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression of this story.
Corrections are in red, and comments are in bold.
I’m princess Vashalissa and I’m in big trouble Period. See comma I was promised to this really ugly rich prince. While most princesses are really meek and would have said yes just so they wouldn’t get into trouble. I changed the word 'See' for 'While' because I thought it was a little bit too repetitive. Also, she's a princess... So her vocabulary should be better. Not me. That’s the other part of my problem comma I’m not meek Period. I’m a loud, noisy, boisterous, naughty, uncontrollable princess and royals don’t like that in a princess' comma that's to bad. I am the last in my line, but I’ll tell you about that later. I don't like that sentence here... Might want to take it out.

You see comma there are eight royal familiesPeriod. The Dasakova’s are really rich and produce only really cute sons, but I don’t hear any girls complaining. The Victorkova’s, rich, powerful family and their sons and daughters all good looking. The Valkarine’s, that’s my family, we used to be the third largest of all the royals but we aren't anymore. not now. The Dimitrite’s,- wow is it suddenly hot in here?-, they only produced only sons Period. Their very presence in a room demands attention, they are the hottest things on two legs. Like drool. Oops were was I? Oh yeah, the Sanderovoka’s period. They are not one of the most popular families, ok comma I am lying, they are hated beyond all reason period. They blew up a party comma killing most of Christian’s family and all of mine Period. All but me. My family was meant to be next in line for the throne Period. not now they are umm….. Boom. take out that sentence. It's unnecessary The Banderkellar’s they are quiet and never heard from much, they have some hot sons too. Then there is the Delphino’s and they are evil in every sense of the word Period. They are a fire based family and fire is not like by the other royals Period. When Christian’s family was killed comma he went dark and never spoke much after that, he just faded away into the back ground. I liked Christian comma there is something dark and mysterious about him, something dangerous Period. He is a foot taller than me with jet black hair and a muscled body. Purr. Again, take this out. Lastly comma there is the Tenterokova’s Period. They are ugly and are the last in line for anything. I'm confused by this last sentence. And was this huge paragraph something we needed to know? If it doesn't do anything for the readers and their comprehension of the story, you might want to take it out too...

Now back to me being a loud, noisy, boisterous, naughty, uncontrollable princess. I had no problem with what I was doing last night. I was at a ball to celebrate my engagement to one of the Tenterokova’s boys period. eeww gross. Thoughts should be in italics. He is a foot shorter than me with witch’s warts all over his face Period. He stuck to me like glue all night, until I managed to escape. The ‘I’m gonna puke’ excuse never fails comma especially since all the royals are dressed a million dollars outfits. I ran out of the main hall and into a side room where I knew that there would be no one and a comfy couch. I hadn’t taken any notice of the room Period. I was in but the scent of a cigarette that hit my nose was familiar. Christian! I didn’t realise it was him, until he lit his hand up comma fire surrounding it Period. I jumped back in fright.
*space*
“What comma did I scare little princess Lissy?
*space*
“Hey moron, I told you not to call me that comma” I snapped back Period.
*Space*
“Ooh comma snappy Period. What comma doesn’t the little princess want to marry warty boy?”
*space*
“I have to comma it is my duty to my family!”
*space*
“Sure, sure duty, honor and protect, your families motto comma” he teased period.
*space*
“Well at least my family isn’t a bunch a psycho maniacs that play with fire.”
*space*
“Well at least you have a family that loved you Period. My family tried to kill me in that blast, the pain was terrible Period. You can never no how that feels comma” he started to walk away period.
*space*
“I know how it feels comma” I shouted comma backing up against the wall. Now I was in trouble Period. I was up against a wall with Christian starring at me and I was trembling. So much for big and brave. The hand that I dreamed would take me by the waist instead pinned my hand to the wall above me head. I was surprised; I could see some emotion in his stone cold eyes, but very little.
*space*
“Don’t assume to know how I feel Period. I can control myself comma you, are uncontrollable”. Then I saw it Period. He was lying comma he was fighting for control, but I was getting the upper hand. I loved being uncontrollable.
*space*
“That’s it?
*space*
“What?” he snapped Period.
*space*
“You’re the same as me Period. You're fighting for control, but you want this so bad it hurts doesn’t it?”
*space*
“No comma” he snapped. I had him worked up now.
*space*
“I can control myself Period. You wouldn’t understand Period.
*space*
“But I do. You put on a brave face and can stay in control most of the time, but some times comma like now cmma" I whispered Period. “You don’t want to comma” I whispered leaned closer to Christian.
*space*
“Vashalissa, don’t comma” his breathing was labored and his heartbeat was fast. I knew he was fighting hard now. I knew I should have stopped it then and there but… It felt so good being naughty.

I knew it was forbidden, he knew it was forbidden, but neither of us cared. I felt my control snap, before he could he could stop me comma I leaned forward and kissed him Period. I felt him kiss me back and I knew he wanted this as much as I did. He moved closer comma trapping me against the wall. He kept holding my hand while his other snaked behind my back pulling me fully up against him, never once letting go of my lips. It felt good. He let go of my arms and quickly shed his jacket and shirt, then went to work on my dress and the long zipper covered in lace. He soon got that undone and I was left in nothing but my purple lace underwear set.
*space*
“Nice comma” he murmured comma then without him realizing until it was to late comma I pulled him down on the couch on top of me period. His hands took control of me and my body. We kept kissing and kissing and kissing, his touch as like fire, literally Period. He still had on his pants and I comma my lace set but he took this slowly.

He must have seen something in my eyes cause he reached around to undo my necklace period. Just as he sat it on the lamp table, the door flew open and in walked warty boy comma as Christian so impolitely put it. It suited him though.
*space*
“Shit comma” I whispered Period. Christian’s head snapped up and he put on this cute drunk facePeriod.
*space*
“Hi comma” he said while I hid my dress under the couch and threw his jacket over me Period.
*space*
“Hello, have you seen Vashalissa, she ran out sick before and she has not been seen since period.
*space*
“No, the last thing I remember was the duck for dinner Period.
*space*
“It was turkey, but a disgraced, drunk royal like yourself wouldn’t be expected to know that Period.
*space*
“Of course your Royal Highness comma” Christian returned every word comma dripping with venom Period. when I heard him call warty boy that it was my undoing, I giggled.
*space*
“If you want to get caught comma you’re going the right way about it comma” Christian said then quickly silenced me with a passionate kiss.
*space*
“Hey I was talking to yo-, oh I see your busy, I’ll just leave”
*space*
“Thanks, that would be nice,” I whispered period. oops.
*space*
“Vashalissa, you filthy tramp comma” he wasn’t going to get away with that, that arse.
*space*
“We are not even married yet comma you over stuffed idiot comma” Ha, lame but ha.
He ran out of the room, no doubt to get my guardians. See comma when my family was killed comma I went to a distant relation of mine, I didn’t know them. They tried to raise me, tried. See my family is, was comma a spirit family Period. we can do anything that involves the dead and I am rare Period. I can heal as well, I healed Christian when the blast almost killed us, he should have died.

So that’s why I found myself locked in my room when I woke up, I don’t remember getting there, but Christian isn’t allowed near me. Warty boy's family refused to let him marry me, woo hoo.

I drifted off to sleep. Only to be woken awhile later by an inconsistent tapping at my window. I slowly drifted over to my window, it was then when I paused to open the door did I realise that I was wearing Christian’s jacket it smelt like him. Mmm. I opened the glass French doors and walked out on to the small private balcony,
“You will get caught, go before you get into trouble, Christian go,” I whispered furiously
“If getting in trouble means I get to see my naughty princess again, it’ll be worth it”
Then with out another word he started to climb up the lattice beside my balcony, when he reached the top, he swooped me up in his arms and kissed me passionately.
“It was worth it,” he murmured
“I agree, totally” I said while pulling his shirt up over his head and dropping his coat on the floor.

We continued were we left, all day and late into the night, joining several times. When I finally fell asleep it was with my head resting on Christian’s chest, my hair spread out over him like a black blanket. My hair is ankle length and jet black.


When I woke I was staring into the eyes of an angry official.
“Uh Christian we’re in trouble”
“Oh shit, yeh, we are” I knew that I had to do something so I blurted out everything I knew about how I had healed Christian and how he should be dead, then I, before anyone could stop me ran to the bathroom and locked the door and proceeded to swallow any pills I could find. Christian was the first into the room, he burnt the door. I was told that he convinced the officials that if they wanted my line to continue then they should let us be together. I woke in a hospital five days later Christian by my side.

He told me that the council had agreed to let us be together, the next thing shocked then thrilled me, he told me that I was pregnant, with magic you can tell if your pregnant a day after conception.

In the years to come many deaths befell our families and many births to, but we lived in peace and fought in wars, as one, as a family. I gave birth to two daughters nine months later Christy an angel with daddy wrapped around her little finger and valkarie a little mummy’s girl. It was our life and we were happy, as one, together.


Duty, honour and protect.

Our family motto.

The part in blue, I didn't correct, because it's getting late here, and I have other things I have to do... PM me of you want me to continue. :)

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  








cron
it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina