Young Writers Society

If i could only hold you in my arms one last time. Feel the comforting warmth of your body against mine. Our hearts beating as one for all time.

I refuse to believe.

Honey can you hear me? Hang in there. Everyone's gone, it's just you and me.

Why were you so angry? Why am I accusing you? Why were you accusing me?

So many questions that I need answered? I'd give anything to hear you speak. Your sweet voice, so many times scolding me and so many times soothing me when i was sad.

But where was I when you were sad? There to comfort you? No. To be a good husband? No.

Only there to criticize. To order you around like you were my personal slave. I didn't care for your emotion and i didn't care for your love. I thought i did. I only cared for myself.

Susan I see it now, I can change. I'll be better husband. We can go on walks, hold hands. Just like we did when we were young and my love for you was one-hundred percent real. We can have kids that you so desperately want, and I'll be a good husband and a good father. You'll see.

We will move, far away from everyone. We will have a small acreage. Maybe have a few head of cattle.

A fresh start. Susan it will be the start of our new life. We will be happy. I'll put a smile on your face again. And our love will blaze fiercely again, like a sun set on a summer evening.

I've been the reason for all your pain. Everything is my fault. I'm sorry. Is that enough for you Susan?

I'll show you I side of me you've never seen. I'll make that change for you Susan. Just please come back, squeeze my hand. Show me your alive, i refuse to believe.

Your just sleeping, I can see it in your face. Your at peace when your a asleep. Always beautiful, you have never changed Susan. I did you wrong baby, but why does it take such an accident as this to blow away the fog from my eyes.... To see my mistake.

Say something. Open your big round innocent ebony eyes. Darker than a starless sky but brighter than any star. I'm thinking clearly. If only you could hear me. You would be proud Susan.

You didn't die. It's not possible, that car didn't hit you that hard.

Everyone's against me Susan. Doctors, nurses even your parents. I don't care. All i want is you. I'll change honey. I'll no what it means to love again.

Just come back.

Please. I'm so cold.

Hug me. Let me feel your warmth again.

THE END

Hello there.

I'll begin with some nitpicks. Don't worry, it's just little typos.

If I could only hold you in my arms one last time.

I didn't care for your emotion and I didn't care for your love. I thought I did. I only cared for myself.

I'll be a better husband.

I'll show you a side of me you've never seen

Show me your alive, I refuse to believe.

Your at peace when you're asleep.

Or "you are" works too.

Open your big comma round comma innocent ebony eyes.

All I want is you. I'll change honey. I'll know what it means to love again.

Short but powerful piece you've got here. I like it, and the thoughts seem a little bit confused, but it goes well with the character and the situation. I don't have much to say... Sorry.

Keep writing!

-Other One

At first this was reading to me like a monologue by a husband who was obsessed on getting his wife back; it looked like she had abandoned him and he wouldn't let it go, making promises and imagining a new bright future. On a second, calmer reading, it does give a lot more hints as to what happened. I'm not sure if you wanted the death of his wife to be the revelation of the story, but if it was, the sentence "It's not possible, that car didn't hit you that hard" was what did it for me. Specially the italics on that. I also like the repetition of the name "Susan", it is a nice touch to add to someone who passes off as slightly maniac on his speach.

I think this would benefit from a moderate editing: correct the mistakes, capitalize the "i" and so on, and focus on those sentences where he idealises the future because those can be expanded and let the reader think he is just convincing his wife to stay with her, as to not divorce him, in opposition to not abandon him by dying.

Happy writing!

V

Hey tommyknocker!
I'm here to give you a brief review.
As mentioned by others, capitalising the 'i's is a simple task you should accomplish before you post a story.
There isn't much of a plot to go with, so I'll take it to be a monologue.
I liked how you expressed the regret that came too late, how the persona failed to cherish his wife until she was gone, how he laments over what could have been. To the point that I can sort of feel the persona losing a bit of his mind because of it.
One thing I wished you'd describe more is how the wife died, and how this loss made him realise his error.
Aside from that, you should also work on some punctuation (missing commas here and there) and check the spelling of some simple words you'd misspelled such as 'no' when it should've been 'know', and 'your' when it should've been 'you're'.
All in all, this was a decent job considering the length of the piece! So keep writing!
Feel free to PM me if you need any clarifications.
Have a good day,
Meep(:

It seems that the first commenter had taken the liberty to point out all the issues I'd meant to. You really should go back and check those out, did you do this from your phone or something? I know some people write on a whim from their phones. Not a problem, just gotta remember: they can't do everything. And at any case, it's not that hard- from phone or from computer- to do YOUR OWN editing.

Now to your story. A very sad ending, and leaving the reader with a lot of questions: what happens to Susan? Just how badly did the narrator treat Susan? Don't clarify these; keeping the reader in suspense is wise, as you well know.(: At any rate, continue writing.

~Panda;;