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Young Writers Society


A Sign Of Love



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Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:58 pm
iiRawrDinosaurii says...



My bare feet slap against the hot pavement as I run down the walking path. Trees rush past me as my white summer dress flows behind me elegantly and my blonde hair glides through the breeze. The small necklace I always wear around my neck gently thumps against my chest with each step. A smile is painted on my face delicately with the brush of life.

My feet turn off onto the dirt path strewn with pebbles and twigs. A tree snags at my dress, almost causing it to rip, but I don’t care. I feel like I could just jump into the air, and wings would spread from my shoulder blades and I could fly into the sunset. My feet step on sharp twigs that jab into the skin of my feet, but I don’t care. As my feet pound against the ground, the soft soil turned into hard rock. I stop dead in my tracks.

I place my hand over my forehead, blocking the summer sun out of my eyes. I look across the small stream to the island, sweeping my eyes across the trees and bushes. My smile starts to fade a little with disappointment when I don’t see him. I search again and again when suddenly his figure comes out of the trees, looking left and right. My smile comes back instantly, and I run through the stream towards him, his happiness radiating off of him.

The water splashes up as my feet rush through the tiny current. The cool water feels wonderful with the hot sun beating down on me. Once he is in range, I leap into his strong arms that wrap me like a blanket.

He twirls me around, the hem of my shirt flapping in the wind. Nothing else matters to me now that I’m with him. He slowly puts me down, and kisses me slowly and passionately with his soft lips. We break off, and out eyes gaze deeply into one another’s. A smile is stretched across my face as I take my hands down from his shoulders and intertwine one of his into my own.

His hand slips from mine as he mouths the words along with signing slowly, “How are you feeling today my angel?” I know that his lips aren’t just moving, they’re saying words that I can’t hear.

“Perfect, now that you’re here.” I sign quickly, giggling lightly at his struggling to make his gestures flow smoothly. Since the first day we met, he’s been trying to learn how to sign, just so that he could communicate with me in my own language.

I was born deaf in one ear, and the other ear was partially deaf. I learned sign language my whole life, along with examining how lips moved to each word that would be said. Slowly, as I got older, my partial deaf ear lost all hearing abilities, and I soon became completely deaf around the age of 10.

He slowly bent down and kissed both ears in a gentle way, then enveloping me in a tight hug. He wishes I were able to hear him again, to be able to hold a flowing conversation.
“Something. I. Show. You?” he signed, struggling with trying to communicate and concentration on his face.

I nod lightly, smiling. I hold out my hand for him to guide me. His gentle fingers slip between mine and lock my hand inside of his. He walks slowly through the trees, holding tree branches out of the way for me to walk along the path with ease. Then, he opened up the last tree branches to reveal a brilliant meadow.

I gasp a little at the beauty of the sight. A stream of water trickles down rocks in a small waterfall. Tall grass fills the land with purple and pink flowers. There’s no sign of any human setting foot here. Trees surround the area like a barrier from evil, keeping the heavenly sight trapped safely inside.

He takes my hand gently, bringing me to the center of the tall grass. There, a tiny clearing of all grass was flattened into a gentle bed, with a circle of rocks and flowers set into a beautiful pattern. He sits down, and gently pulls me down, the two of us sitting together with our hands intertwined.

“Here. Found. I.” He signed, struggling to make the slightest bit of sense, “You like?” he questioned with a smile.

“I love it. It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I signed, trying to sign it with signs that he knew and understood. I flopped onto my back and spread out my arms. I looked up into the brilliant clouds that produced shapes.

He bent over me, and kissed me gently on the forehead, then plopped down beside me with a smile. He picked a flower gently from beside him carefully, and tucked it behind my ear. We watched the clouds roll away together until the stars shone brightly in the sky.
With the stars came the cool air and chilling breeze.

I turned into him and snuggled into his chest and closed my eyes with a relaxing sigh. His arms wrapped around me like a blanket. He kissed me on the forehead gently, and then let out a small sigh as well. Together, we were relaxed and at ease. Together, we fell asleep, wrapped in each others arms.
  





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Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:02 pm
ASH1397 says...



Wow. I'm really struggling to get words to describe this:
You did a really good job on making the title have meaning, but I think you should develop the story more: What are their names? Who is this guy the girl is with? Is he older than her or vice versa? You kinda left lots of holes in your story.

I don't really have any nit picks, and I didn't really see any grammar or punctuation mistakes.

I really think you did a good job on writing this piece: i kept wondering if you knew something about being deaf or if you just kind of used your imagination?
Such a sweet innocent piece, though, I totally love it.

----Ash.
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
  





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Mon Jan 24, 2011 11:56 pm
niclie says...



Is this meant to focus on the story so we nothing about these characters? Other than that i thought you story was good. Keep working at it
  





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Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:33 pm
iiRawrDinosaurii says...



To Ash: Thanks! (: I tried to leave a few holes in this story for reasons. When I write short stories, I like to leave a few things open so that people can sort of make it up themselves. My cousin, when I posted this to my DeviantArt, asked the same exact questions. c: I have a weird way of writing short stories, and if it were to be an actual novel, I would have made things a lot more detailed about the questions you asked. My cousin also asked "What kind of day is it?" and that is also kind of something the reader has to find out. They have to try to look at context clues. (:
My friend actually helped me come up with the title for this piece.
But once again, thank you so much. ^_^

To niclie: Mostly, yes. (: Like I said to Ash, if it was a novel, it would have more about the characters. Thank you so much! (: I'm one of those people who never really knows if they like their work until they get feedback from people. I know, not really something I should do, but it's a bad habit. (:
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:58 am
tommyknocker says...



Hi there.

I agree with ASH. There are a few holes in this story but there more like pin pricks in paper, than a volcano's crater...

In other words they are small and they leave a bit of imagination for the reader. Good work. But don't fall into this habit if you are writing a longer piece.

That would be lazy to leave EVERYTHING up to a reader's imagination. It would give me a headache! Haha.

But this is very sweet, classic love story with the all to realistic view of deafness in relationships.

Good job!

~ T.K
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato
  





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Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:50 pm
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iiRawrDinosaurii says...



To Tommyknockers:
Thank you! ^_^ I've already explained in my reply back to Ash that the only times that I choose to leave small things for the reader to imagine for themselves is in short stories. I wouldn't ever do it in a long piece. (: I just don't like making up a lot of details for characters in short stories. If I do, I get to into it. Then it doesn't become a short story and turns into a novel. ahaha! xD I get WAY to carried away with my writing a lot of the time. XD
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 3:42 am
babymagic18 says...



I wanted to start off with just saying that in my point of view I realized instantly that when you write you had a lot of I's in your story. When you are writing I understand that you want the story to focus on the main character for the majority of the time any and all writers do. But we all have to learn the mistake of how we do it.
I only recently went through some of my past stories that I had started work on and I realized that I had done the exact thing that I caught on that you have done with your writing. Thats okay but try and really work on not turning others away from your writing. You want to work on the ability to draw your readers in and captivate them. So my suggestion to you would be to read some books and really take note on how they shed light on their characters looks, abilities, fears, grace etc. I think it could really help you grow as a writer I know it's helped me.
Over all I loved the story!
  





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Sat Jan 29, 2011 6:44 pm
iiRawrDinosaurii says...



To BabyMagic18:


Thank you for the advice. (: It was a short story, and I write short stories a lot differently than I do novels. I write my short stories from First Person, because my short stories usually have a meaning behind them which can be told by the thoughts an emotions of the character. Being inside their head and being the character really helps with being able to understand the characters thoughts that are producing the theme. There's many 'I's in this story because it's in First Person. I reduced my "I saying" to the best of my ability, without going outside of the First Person POV.
  





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Sun Jan 30, 2011 11:29 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there!

First of all, this is a very sweet short story. I understand your writing style, you leave your readers some questions and it's up to them how they'd deal about it. I'm not against that but you should also be aware of the informations you're not telling us. If so, it'd leave us unsatisfied and the connection between your main character and your reader would be a total blur. Seeing this a short story, there are no really conflicts that are happening here. Perhaps about the deaf girl and the guy struggling to sign, but it's already a solved case since both characters are fine with it. That being said, this leads to my second point. At first, the guy can sign easily, then you mention him struggling at the middle part is a bit unexpected. Maybe because he's all dazzled about the girl's beauty but it'd be an awkward reason.

Secondly, I don't quite like how you mention "My feet" here, and "my feet" there, it comes off repetitive which is not good to read. (And to mention, that there are really many repetitive words.) Anyways, I suggest you tone it down a bit and try to focus on the other senses the girl has. Like for example, the smell, the touch and even the sight. Try to also describe something about the guy, his hair his eyes, though I'm not saying you should tell everything about his good physical features, just the important points. ^^Only describing how the feet feels against the ground is insufficient.

Third, I feel like this is some kind of a dream/fantasy/reality setting. The scene you're trying to portray is almost like Wonderland. I don't know but something like that. I think it'd be better to tell us where this boy and girl are seeing each other. Maybe near a waterfall or park? Mention it. :wink:

Grammar wise, I think you have a clean story. But as for the principle of "Show, not tell"... I'll give you a score of eight out of ten. Yes, you are giving us clear visual of the place and all, but it's not enough. Though I'm not saying you should describe everything from head to toe. Just those things that could really refresh your reader's mind. Which is also why I want to comment about how you rely on adverbs a lot. Tow or three in a page is all right, but five or six? Slow it down, girl. Try reading a book and look at the first chapter. Count how many adverbs or adjectives exist... I suppose less than ten? So if you really want to have a stronger prose, I suggest slashing every adverbs that comes off insignificant and replace them by showing. And about this story, I think I've just read 'slowly' five times, which is really a bad thing.

Kicking aside those negative comments, this has potential. I think this would turn into a really good story if reread again this piece and make this more realistic as much as possible. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions. ^^

Keep writing,
Yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  








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