Young Writers Society

*****Note: this is my first story in a long time. Please review and tell me what you think!!! I really want insight so i know how I'm doing!*****

I sit at the park alone tonight, and I'm waiting. Waiting for a sign of some sort, hoping I'm doing a good thing by being here. There are several trees spread out across an open field, and benches that line the path that goes around a small man-made lake. The lamp posts are spreading pale light over the darkened pathways for people who take nightly walks, or people like me who just enjoy the breezes that whisk through the air on summer nights like this one.

I don't even know why I came here tonight, actually. A sign? For what? Love? Please. I've read enough smut books to know that there is really no such thing as love, only sex. And I wouldn't know what that's like either. I sigh, and pull out my cell phone to check the time: 9:54 pm. Shouldn't he be here by now? Shouldn't I be in bed right now? Why did I come here?
Idiot.
I think about which way I can go home, the routes I could take to get to one destination. But what if he comes here after I leave? Oh, well. His loss.
A light wind rustles my hair, and I pull closed my jacket as I get up to leave. "Stupid idea to come here. Stupid, stupid, stupid." I mutter to myself.

There are hardly any sounds as I walk home, besides cicadas buzzing loudly to one another. No cars; the streets are silent. A few people are out tonight; couples walking hand in hand, a few groups of guys smoking with bottles of soda or beer in their hands. And then there's me; the only one alone. I pass by the third or fourth group of guys on a two way street, and I hear footsteps behind me.
I don't dare a glance over my shoulder, as my heart begins to race slightly faster. I pick up my pace, and change my course since I'm being followed, heading down an alley, my hands in my pockets.[/i][/i]
Trying to hide is never easy when you are being followed, so hiding behind a dumpster was out of my idea list.
Come on, Raven, think!
The footsteps are closer to my heels. I'm losing time. I stop walking abruptly, turn on my heel, and swing my arm out to try and clothes line the figure behind me. Instead of hitting it, the person grabbed my wrist and pulled it to their chest, then shoved me to the ground, and mounted me so I had no escape, also holding down my wrists down.
"Jesus, Raven!" said the figure. "It's just me."
I sighed, my heart still beating in anticipation, "You asshole, Xander. Let me up!" I struggled against him, only knowing him because he's my ex. "Seriously! I have to get home!" I struggled more, but he acted like my squirms were nothing.
Smiling, he simply replied, "What? We're not having fun?"
"NO! What do you want?"
"I want to know why you were at the park tonight." He demanded.
"That's really none of your business. I broke up with you, we're done. You lost your right to know what I was up to when-"
He cut me off, "Oh, save me the damn 'you broke my heart' speech," he paused. "I've heard it too many times."
"Then why the fuck did you jump me?! What do you want, Xander?!" I yelled at him.
"Hey, is there a problem here?" Another voice came from behind Xander, and it was a male voice.
Xander looked over his shoulder, "Fuck off, this isn't your problem, buddy."
There was movement behind him, but I couldn't tell what was going on. "Now it is," said the man. Xander got off of me, and went to stand in the guys face, as I leaned up and got to my feet.
"This is a really good chance for you to walk away, hero boy," threatened Xander. But the guy just smirked and replied, "And this is a good chance for you to leave that girl alone, and walk away. But are you doing that? No." There was a lot of sarcasm and smart ass in this guy, but he didn't know who he was dealing with.

"Look, I appreciate the help, but please, for your own sake, go." I pleaded to the unknown stranger who had potentially "rescued" me. He looked past Xander and met my eyes.
God, those eyes: deep ocean blue. "Don't worry," He said. "I know what I'm doing."
Xander looked back and forth between the man and mine's eye contact, and his face filled with jealousy. "She's my girlfriend--" He started to say
"Bullshit! I am not!" I yelled. The stranger, posed for a fight, said, "Look, I really don't want trouble. Leave the girl alone, and you'll go home in one piece, OK?" Xander looked at him for a moment, sizing him up. Then punched him right across his jaw, making it sound a terrible cracking noise. The fight was sprung.

The stranger retaliated with a sharp upper-cut to Xander's chest, and a quick left cross to his face as he bent forward in pain. Xander stood up right, his hands in fists in front of his chest, and did a round house kick to the man's left set of ribs. Everything was becoming violent too fast, if someone didn't stop Xander, he would kill the man.
"STOP! Xander, STOP! Please!" I couldn't help but watch in horror as he beat the crap out of the man; the man who had done nothing to him besides self-defense.
By now, the stranger was on the ground in the fetal position, and Xander was kicking him in the ribs repeatedly. I went up to Xander and tapped his shoulder. He turned around, and I punched him right in the nose, hearing it crack on contact. "Ah! You bitch! You broke my nose!" he howled in pain.
"Then leave before I break something else!" I retorted. He stayed, still groaning.
"GO!"
He looked me in the eye, and started trekking down the alley, back to the main road by a bar.

I went to the stranger's side, and held his head in my lap.
He's still breathing...
"Please," I cry. He looks up at me finally, those ocean blue eyes have me swimming in them.
And finally I recognize him. The man I was waiting for at the park...
Nathaniel. My Nathaniel. My lover.
Tears are falling down my cheeks, because the wounds are out in plain sight; both lips broken and bleeding, his chest is splattered with blood, and his arms are covered in bruises. "Why didn't you listen?" I whimper.
"Because you needed me."
"But you're hurt now," I reply.

"I don't care." He responds evenly, "I'll be OK. I have you."
"You shouldn't have been reckless," I conclude.
He stays silent. And I pull his head up and rest it against my stomach. "I'm so sorry."
We sit like that for what seemed like hours, me holding him, crying and sobbing. At last, though, he reached up and stroked away some of my tears, and cradled my face in his large hand. We sat like that more, and we were comfortable. We had known each other for 7 years.
7 years of knowing a wonderful man. Not boy, or guy, but man.
His broken lips move so I have to silence my cries to try and watch him talk.
"Please, tell me! Nathaniel..." I say desperately.
He swallows and begins, "When I first saw you, I thought you were gorgeous. I thought you were amazing, I thought you were everything to me. I realize that more, now." He pauses and swallows again. "I simply couldn't stop looking at you; bright smile, radiant eyes, and looks to kill. You were, and are, everything to me. I knew Xander was cheating on you, I know he broke your heart. You are my best friend. I stayed for you, because--" His breaths were coming in shorter now, and he strained to get his words out.
"I have to get you to a hospital," I started to pull out my phone from my pocket, tears rolling down my cheeks. But Nathaniel grasped my hand with both of his. "No! Let me finish!" He pleaded.
I nodded.
"I stayed for you," He repeated, pausing for a breath. "because I love you. And when I first saw you, I had to stop and stare." His final breath released from his mouth, and his chest didn't rise again.
"Nathaniel?" I whispered. He did not respond this time, and the only sound I heard was my scream of pain.

All because he had to stop and stare.

Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks, and then go on with my overall impression. So let's begin!

I think about which way I can go home, the routes I could take to get to one destination.

I pass by the third or fourth group of guys on a two way street, and I hear footsteps behind me.

Footsteps is one word.

The footsteps are closer to my heels.

"This is a really good chance for you to walk away, hero boy," threatened Xander.

See that comma there? Normally, writers put comma's when the dialogue is over. Maybe watch for that?

His broken lips move so I have to silence my cries to try and watch him talk.

This is a touching story, but I have a question for you. Who is the guy? I mean, she mentioned that she knew him for seven years, and that he knew Xander was cheating on her... Where they friends? I like how we don't know who the guy is until the end, but I would like some more details about their past. Or maybe even why she was waiting at the park for him? Just little details.

Keep on writing!

-Other One

If you would like, I will make a sequel to this short story. I left little details out for that reason. thanks for noticing!

and thank you for the good review!

--Ash

Hey Ash! It's Luxy here to review your story. I really enjoyed this. Like, a lot! The story was very emotional and it kept me biting my nails throughout the whole thing. There were only a few things that I noted. Mind you, these are nitpicks. A few times you had two people speaking in the same paragraph. Always start a new paragraph when you have a new person starting to talk. Second, when you are talking about the injuries that Nathaniel has, they're a little unrealistic. I couldn't tell if you meant that his lips were literally broken or not, because you can't really break lips. Bruises take hours to actually show, so saying that he was covered in bruises doesn't work unless he'd had the bruises from earlier. Make sure you include more scenes where blood gest shed, because just getting punched and then kicked a bunch of times isn't going to give you that much blood. Lastly, I don't think he would die from that beating. Maybe he could. I don't know. The story certainly works the way you've got it with him dying. Maybe just go back and make things a little more gruesome for kicks. The biggest issue I had though was how did she not know that it was him coming to rescue her? If she can tell the color of his eyes, then she can tell who it is. I would fix that.

All the stuff other than the last one were just nitpicks. Its up to you if you want to fix them. I really loved this and I want to read more!!!!! PM when you've got the next one out!!!!!!
Luxy

Yeah, I see what you're saying. But people can die from beatings. I willl go back though, and make it more gruesome though! thanks for the review Luxy!

---Ash.

P.S. the reason she didn't recognize him was because it was dark out. So i figured his features wouldn't be as clear. Plus, she was also under pressure, and I don't know about you but i don't work well under pressure. That's why I kind of left it an open space.

Hi!
I loved this short story!
You where very creative and I really enjoyed it.
I don't care about punctuation and grammer so I wont be reviewing you about that.
I really liked it, it was very sweet and enjoyable.
Thank you for posting it and I hope that you will post more like this!

Here I am, as promised. I really liked this story, it was sad and I nearly cried at the end. I think it may have been more what I think your going for if we knew Nathaniel for a little longer. Also, I know people can die from beatings, but does it happen that fast? It seemed like he was getting beat up, then five minutes later he's dead. And she doesn't recognize his voice? If she had known him for seven years, then wouldn't she have known his voice by then? Well, other than that I really have nothing more to say other than I am eagerly awaiting part 2. Keep writing!

I really like this story and all the details you kind of left out. It left more up to the imagination. You should definitely write more like this. I loved the beginning descriptions; I could almost see the park. But a quick question: wouldn't she have called an ambulance once she saw it was Nathaniel?

The last two reviews you guys posted I know there are things in there that are very questionable: why didn't she call an ambulance? and smaller details that I left out. I'm going backwards from this post i know Trust me I will re edit everything as soon as I have things posted. For now this is part one. Feel free to PM me, i would really love to hear more feedback on this piece, little tweaks I could do. Note: they must be relavant to my story that I have in my head if I do make them. I want to hear from you guys what you think of this and I want some ideas on what impression you have from the characters: this will greatly help me out on configuring the other several parts--- yes, I said SEVERAL.
Enjoy. and PM please.
GO!
---Ash