Young Writers Society

You will protect me, you promised. I trust you with that, you can't break your word, you wouldn't. Would you? No matter the situation you will be by my side, you say will take a bullet for me if you have to, I know you speak of the truth.

I can see the passion in your eyes, the complete and utter certainty, your eyes ablaze with my very soul. You say if it comes to it you will sacrifice your life to save mine. I believe you. I did believe you. I believed a lie.

Defend me, oh chivalrous knight, for you said you would, you promised you would, you swore you would. Defend me so if I die I do not die in horror or in pain but merely in love.


Do not try to defend me any longer. Your eyes have changed. Full of fear and death and yourself. My eyes, mirrored in the curved sword you once yielded show the world, the fragile green blades of grass, the clear blue sky above us and faces. People I loved, people who are blessed with life and emotion.That is what I like to think I am made of, of hope and joy and innocence. I thought you were too. I was wrong.

The raw emotion in the heat of the battle is overpowering, yet I see no fighting. only killing, no mercy to the cowardly and wounded just attack.But then I think as I lay here in the last breaths of my existence, why so cowardly? What exactly do you have to lose? Then I realise. I am being too presumptuous, what have I done to try to save his life? Nothing. I was wrong about him, but more importantly, I was wrong about myself. I lived a disguise.

We shall both die tonight, our lives at loss. Because when it comes down to it nobody can keep the most important promises, nobody will face death willingly.

I understand.

Tinkem! Thanks for the follow, by the way.

As I’m the first to review I’ll go ahead and nitpick…

No matter the situation will be by my side, you say will take a bullet for me if you have to,

I think this is missing a “you” or too… I don’t know, it doesn’t sound quite right…

the most iportant promises,

it’s “important”… and that’s all I saw… I may have missed some, don’t trust me…

Onto the review…

I really liked the title (although “chivalrous” and “knight” should be capitalized), it totally caught my attention, and the story itself didn’t disappoint. I admit, I don’t like this as much as, “Until we Depart.” This isn’t as different… I still liked it, don’t get me wrong…

My main issue with this, and “Until we Depart” is that they’re more like poems, and that’s okay, but… I don’t know… it just leaves me wanting more of a story. That might just be me, hehe, I’m not a huge fan of poems

--
Tabby

Hi! Here for a quick review. I think the idea is sweet and succint, so I won't deal with that. In fact, I'm glad someone directly addressed the idea that while a man must pledge to die for the woman he loves, the woman is not expected to reciprocate (in traditional stories anyway). This'll be just nitpicks.

I trust you with that, you can't break your word, you wouldn't.

You need either a full stop or a semi-colon after "that"; at the moment you have a comma splice. That's your most common issue in this passage. I've rarely seen comma splices integrated into prose without drawing attention to themselves, as they're technically incorrect, so I would strongly suggest cutting them where they come up.

No matter the situation you will be by my side, you say will take a bullet for me if you have to, I know you speak of the truth.

Full stop after "side". Full stop after "have to". Just a couple more splices. Also, and this is a real nitpick, "bullet"? Later you talk about a sword, so I'm confused with the setting here.

you said you would, you promised you would, you swore you would.

Now, this is the exception to the comma splice rule that I spoke about. Even though they're separate sentences, they run together well and flow. There's a marked difference between this use of the comma and the splice.

My eyes, mirrored in the curved sword you once yielded show the world,

Comma after "yielded".

I thought you were too. I was wrong.

This is where it starts to get slightly repetitive. I think you should introduce that idea about dying for your love a little sooner, just because your sentence structure isn't varied enough to maintain the reader's interest after three or four paragraphs. Something needs to change in the narrative for me to keep reading. It's just a stretch on the last few lines of that paragraph. Otherwise, I don't notice it.

The raw emotion in the heat of the battle is overpowering,

There's a battle going on? What? When? I just assumed this was a regret-laden piece. But there's a battle? I think you might want to explore that a little further. In fact, that could be the variant in the paragraphs that would keep the reader's attention.

only killing, no mercy to the cowardly and wounded just attack.

This doesn't quite make sense. There should be a capital at the beginning, for one, but the "attack" at the end is out of place. I think you could replace it with "death". And insert a comma before "just" to break up the sentence, I think.

But then I think as I lay here

Change "lay" to "lie", for tense consistency.

nobody will face death willingly.

Insert "and" here. A conjunction will make the sentence stand out, given the lack of them generally in this piece.

So, that's all from me. When you use one type of sentence consistently, be sure to keep a tight rein on the punctuation and grammar so you can be sure you're maximising the effect.

- Jet.

Hi there.

First off I'd like to say that i liked the title of your story.

I agree with TabbyGirl. After i finish this, i feel this feeling of wanting more.

"Oh c'mon it can't end here." That sorta thing. It's hard to convey emotion in a short piece like this.

Keep writing.

~ T.K

I agree with the posts before mine:
I have a feeling of "it can't end here" kinda thing.
I really like this piece, you did a fantastic job on the description of emotion and the metaphors. It all felt totally surreal, but totally true and full of emotion at the same time. Although, I did have trouble keeping up with some of the wording, so try to not be too picky about your word choice.

Overall a truly wonderful piece!
Keep writing!

----Ash.

Love it. I love the part that says 'mirrored in the sword'' or something similar. I have often imagined seeing my reflection in a blade. I love the passion, the pain, and the drama. Very good.

wow! Are you sure you're 12? This is amazing! I don't think i have ever been able to write as well as you. You have a gift. Keep it up.