Young Writers Society

I tapped my pencil against my desk.
thump, thump, thump.

"Okay class, blah blah blah..." that's all I pretty much heard Mrs. Franklin say.

My notebook was open and some of the lesson was written down. I started to dot down some words that were written on the blackboard. I looked from the board to my notebook.
Mrs. Franklin's hair was grey and in a tight bun on the top of her head. her glasses were on the tip of her nose and she spoke her boring words that involved history.

When I looked back down at my notebook, I spotted a note. I opened it quietly, trying to hide it from the teacher. The paper was all crumpled.

It read: Hey Angie, Idk wats going on with u! Why did u cry? Wats wrong? u don't like Dean or somethin'? Oh and show me that crush of urs soon, oki doki?
Love, ur bestie, Delia

Of course. She still doesn't know that it was Dean. She still didn't know why I was sad. I might as well still pretend that it's something else. Just never tell her.

I wrote back: I'm fine. Ah, I cried because I felt stupid. U have a guy, Calliegh has a guy. I'm all alone, I felt really stupid, expecially since George broke up with me a month ago. I like Dean, maybe even too much...
No, I should erase that.

I'm fine. Ah, I cried because I felt stupid. U have a guy, Calliegh has a guy. I'm all alone, I felt really stupid, expecially since George broke up with me a month ago. I like Dean, he's great! I'll show him later kay?
Love ur bestie, Angie

I looked up and noticed that the teacher was sitting at the computer, typing up something. I looked at my blue inked paper and threw it back to Delia. She smiled when she got it and opened it right away.

Her eyes scanned the paper and she wrote right away. My heart stopped when Mrs. Franklin looked at her. I started to tap my pencil again, just louder to catch her attention. She darted her black eyes at me and smiled evily.

"Angels, can you please stop tapping your pencil?" she asked.

I acted like I've just zoned out and smiled, innocentily.

"Yes, I'm so sorry Mrs. Franklin!" I said, acting the innocent.

Overall, the piece was ok. It basically seem liked two girls passing note. I feel as though more feeling and emotion could have been shown within the actions of the girl during class. It can be hard to hit at emotion in a piece, and it looks like you attempted, but I think you could have shown a bit more, and it might really strengthen the piece. Also, better adjectives and word choice are always something to look out for!

I liked reading this because it reminded me of 7th grade.
Good job describing the teacher.
I agree that you should try and put more of your emotion into it or write a bit more. It sounds good but I’m not really sure what it’s entirely about or why you named it “Watch Me Hating You”. Keep writing, you’ve got the voice!

Hello there.

I felt really stupid, especially since George broke up with me a month ago.

Especially is written with a 's', not an 'x'. You made the mistake again, so you might want to change that too.

Her eyes scanned the paper and she wrote immediately.

A little bit too repetitive? I changed the 'right away' for another word (in this case, immediately). But it can always be, 'at once', 'straight away' or even 'without an hesitation'.

I acted like I've just zoned out and smiled, innocently.

"Yes, I'm so sorry Mrs. Franklin!" I said, acting naive.

Again, you repeat yourself. If you don't like the word I've put there, you can always change it to guiltless, or something along those lines.

Also, I've got a little trick of mine that I use when I write, and I think you could use it. There's a real easy way to find synonyms when you are writing in Microsoft Word, and this will help you get a little bit more creative in the words you are using. Normally, when I find that I used the same word more then once in, let's say a page, I ask myself if there's another way I can say it differently. If I can't come up with something, I right click on the word that is repeated (there should be a menu that shows up), and I click on synonyms. Most of the time, there is a word in there that is perfect for what I need, and is different from what I've wrote. It adds a little bit of color. If it wasn't clear enough and you actually want to use my trick, (because normally, I just blab on and nobody cares. ) you can PM me, and I can re-explain, hopefully a little better.

Plot wise, I'm not sure why this part was needed. My opinion is that the first part ended quite okay, and I'm not sure if this, right here, actually enhances the work. Maybe there's another part coming? If not, well you should just erase that part, because the other ending was better. Humans like tragedies as much as comedies.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Your second chapter was pretty good. I'm glad you kept writing. The first chapter was tough but I saw you edited it. I don't think I have anymore to add than what she said. ^^^^ keep writing!