Young Writers Society

This is the true story of me and a girl

I knew her because her mother was friends with my mum. I was enjoying going over there at first. My sister had Shannon's little sister to play with and I had Shannon to talk to. We became good friends: we talked alot, I made her laugh, she made me laugh. It was the perfect friendship.

Let truth be told, I had developed a crush on her. She's sweet, beautiful, and sometimes I think she's the only one who truly understands me. She came over to my house to sleep for the first time, and she was sleeping on my sofa-bed. Everything was fine at first. We spent a day at my house and I didn't admit my feelings to her. The next day my mum and my sister went shopping. We were alone. That's when the trouble started.

She was helping me with my spanish homework, and I completed it, with her help. We laid on my bed. We were silent for five minutes and nothing really happened; maybe she was pondering what she should do. After that five minutes I had with with no talking she slowly put her legs through mine. Fine with me, I thought. Then we started stroking each other, but nothing really happened, nothing sexual.

I thought she wanted to go out with me, and I offered to help take her stuff back, alone. We were silent, again. The whole time I kept thinking, This is so unlike me, this silence; I was usually loud and loved to talk to girls. We were silent all the time walking to her house, but I at least managed to get her number at her doorstep, at least I could text her.

When I got home I texted her: 'So, are we going out?' She texted back: 'I don't know, should we?' I then said 'Yes.' I was so happy! We were together!

Later at school I found out the truth: she was going out with another lad. She cheated on me, she lied to me. What was all that in my bedroom then? I was angry. I wanted revenge. At home I told my mum of our bedroom encounter. I didn't want to say exactly what we did. So I instead said 'rude stuff.' Obviously she got the wrong end of the stick and thought we did a lot more than that. Not have sex, but something close. She told Shannon's mum and there, we never talked again after that.

Except about a month ago, I decided to walk home instead of catching my bus. It was a starry night and I stopped at the start of Shannon's street. I shook my head, but walked forward and knocked on the door. She answered and I asked if we were friends again. We made up. We were friends once again! But not for long. After about a week or so she started winding me up, but her best friend, who winds her up, said she fancies me still.

But that's it, I give up. I give up on Shannon.

After that I've never felt the same with a crush again. It's never felt as right as me and Shannon.

______________________________________

Please review, also any advice on my dilema would be appreciated. I really want to know Shannon again, but it feels like everytime I try to heal something between us, it just breaks. I really do hope any of you would have any advice, but do I really want to be friends with Shannon again? I don't know.

Sorry, I don't have any advice, but I do have a nice, complete edit. Forgive me if I'm harsh.

Mazzi wrote:I knew her because her mother was friends with my mum. I was enjoying going over there at first. My sister had Shannon's little sister to play with and I had Shannon to talk to. We became good friends: we talked alot, I made her laugh, she made me laugh. It was the perfect friendship (deleted).

Let truth be told, I had developed a crush on her. She's sweet, beautiful, and sometimes I think she's the only one who truly understands me. She came over to my house to sleep for the first time, and she was sleeping on my sofa-bed. Everything was fine at first. We spent a day at my house and I didn't admit my feelings to her. The next day my mum and my sister went shopping. We were alone. That's when the trouble started.

She was helping me with my spanish homework, and I completed it, with her help. We laid on my bed. We were silent for five minutes and nothing really happened; maybe she was pondering what she should do. After that five minutes I had with with no talking she slowly put her legs through mine. Fine with me, I thought. Then we started stroking each (space) other, but nothing really happened, nothing sexual.

I thought she wanted to go out with me, and I offered to help take her stuff back, alone. We were silent, again. The whole time I kept thinking, This is so unlike me, this silence; I was usually loud and loved to talk to girls. We were silent all the time walking to her house, but I at (space) least managed to get her number at her doorstep, at (space) least I could text her.

When I got home I texted her: 'So, are we going out?' She texted back: 'I don't know, should we?' I then said 'Yes.' I was so happy! We were together!

Later at school I found out the truth: she was going out with another lad. She cheated on me, she lied to me. What was all that in my bedroom then? I was angry. I wanted revenge. At home I told my mum of our bedroom encounter. I didn't want to say exactly what we did. So I instead said 'rude stuff.' Obviously she got the wrong end of the stick and thought we did a (space) lot more than that. Not have sex, but something close. She told Shannon's mum and there, we never talked again after that.

Except about a month ago, I decided to walk home instead of catching my bus. It was a starry night and I stopped at the start of Shannon's street. I shook my head, but walked forward and knocked on the door. She answered and I asked if we were friends again. We made up. We were friends once again! But not for long. After about a week or so she started winding me up, but her best friend, who winds her up, said she fancies me still.

But that's it, I give up. I give up on Shannon.

After that I've never felt the same with a crush again. It's never felt as right as me and shannon.

______________________________________

Please review, also any advice on my dilema would be appreciated. I really want to know Shannon again, but it feels like everytime I try to heal something between us, it just breaks. I really do hope any of you would have any advice, but do I really want to be friends with Shannon again? I don't know.

That was really cool, how it was based on a true story. I feel for you. I've never been through anything like that, but I know people who have. The emotion was right there, the whole time. Awesome job!

I don't really have any advice save for - don't let it get you too down! You're still very young, and you will have a lot more opportunities in life. :3

Here's a critique on the writing itself -

I liked it. The emotion was there throughout the whole piece.

However, I don't think you gave us an opportunity to know Shannon very well. I mean, in the story, she just seems like a player - but obviously she's a nice person asides from that, otherwise you wouldn't have liked her in the first place! You could put in previous memories of you two together to show us [the reader] what was so attractive about Shannon, since she was surely captivating in some way.

Also, remember the first rule of writing: Show, don't tell. You tell us a lot:

But truth be told, I had developed a crush on her.

Maybe instead of saying that right away, you could start with describing how you felt around her, and then tell the reader you realized you had a crush on her.

I was angry. I wanted revenge.

Well, it makes sense that you would be angry if she did that to you. Only instead of just saying I was angry, you should describe how you felt. There are a lot of things associated with anger: 'My blood boiled under my skin' in just one of them. I'm drawing a blank right now, but I know there's a ton. Just think about it, and you'll definitely come up with some.

And since this is based off a true story, it should be even easier. Just think back and really analyze how you felt.

Other than that, it was good! I loved how you kept emotion throughout the piece. It's a good start, just needs revising. And good luck in real life as well (: I hope it works out for you.

Hello!

First of all, I think the title should be called "Shannon and I" as that's grammatically correct I usually start the review with by highlighting any nitpicks, but since reviewers above have already done that, I guess I should get onto the actual reviewing part!

Overall, I found this quite interesting to read, but I felt slightly guilty in a sense because to me, the story seemed more like I was reading someone's diary than anything else! But I guess that was intentional. In addition, you kept telling and telling, which usually is a good thing as well, but there needs to be a balance of showing, which I think you lacked a lot of. So remind yourself to show emotions/feelings without actually saying them, otherwise, the story becomes rather tedious. Also, use a wider variety of sentence structure that don't start off with 'I' or 'She' or what have you.

I don't think I can give a proper review since this is like something I'd find off Yahoo Answers with the whole advice thing, hahah. In my opinion, I don't think Shannon is worth writing about since she sounds like someone who really doesn't care otherwise she wouldn't have cheated and that's not the sort of person that you're looking for obviously. Um, don't let her weigh yourself down. You're still really young. You'll meet loads more people that you'll like even more than her. Good things fall apart so that better things can fall together! Anyways, back to the writing, keep posting more stories and remember to work on the SHOWING not TELLING!

Best of wishes,
Thien