Young Writers Society

Hey, Yuri!

Thanks for the request; I'm glad that I got to read this. In general, I thought this was an interesting idea and it was neat how it played out. I also quite enjoyed the use of second person; that's a hard voice to tackle, and you did it well. With some editing, I think you can make this into a chilling masterpiece. Right now, however, it just feels like it's lacking in terms of set up.

You don't give us much information regarding the relationship between the main character and the girl that he has a crush on, so we can't exactly sympathize or relate to him that much. How old is he? How long has he known this girl? What is her name, and since when has he decided that he is in love with her? Even though this is flash fiction, it doesn't mean you can't provide us good, solid information regarding your characters. This should most be about the two characters and the way that they interact since you have little space to tell this story, and right now, the reader doesn't get too much of that.

My second concern, and this somewhat ties into developing the characters, is that it was a bit hard to follow. At the beginning, I get that they are both in an airport, but beyond that, I'm lost. Why are they at the airport together? Why does the girl have to leave, and will he ever see her again? If they are the best of friends, wouldn't they talk and chat casually a bit more?

I hope these comments help! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to send me a PM if you have any questions or concerns.

~ Elinor

Hello there, dear. Kuya is back. (I know you can understand that. ) I haven't been on for awhile. Did anyone notice? Bet not. HAHAHA...anyway, I'm now here to review as you have requested. First, I have to breathe. Good! I'm on time. LOL The deadline's the 15th. I still can give you a review, which you can apply with your work if you wish. I'm starting NAO. Oh wait. I'll have to say that, yeah, I don't have any time to review the reviews above me (that's kinda like the reviewer's laziness, you know? ) I hope you don't mind if I repeat anything, 'cause trust me, it's not intentional. *that's said in monotonous reviewer's excuse tone* Bah!

This, if I'm not mistaken, is actually the first story review I'm going to give you! Right? I remember giving you a review, but that was on a sketch. Don't worry, I don't think I'll babble much like I did back in the art section. Um...I think? :p

Here it goes!

NITPICKS|CHANGED|ATTENTION|ADDED

Nitpick #1

Goosebumps start to send chills all over your body but it isn’t the fact that you feel cold, rather you are nervous.

Okay, here we can see no grammatical error, whatsoever. But I'll have to suggest a comma between body and but, because well, it makes the sentence flooooow. Without the comma the sentence just seems like a loooooong line with an unimportant sub clause at the end; with the comma you stop between the two opposing thoughts and the sub clause doesn't seem abrupt much.

Nitpick #2

area.<space here, dear. >You

Nitpick #3

You couldn’t even look eye to eye with the girl a few feet beside you.

Nitpick #4

Your right hand carries all along a dark green baggage, just the right weight for your hands to not get numb, while the other one is free from anything.

Caution with infinitives, dear. You cant put anything between infinitives. I forgot what it's called, but it's just the way. Especially with adverbs.

Your right hand carries all along a dark green baggage, just the right weight for your hands not to get numb, while the other one is free from anything.

Nitpick #5

You suppose that being a coward is one of the reasons why you cannot place your arm around her petite shoulder or even run your fingertips through her silky brown hair.

Nitpick #6

Do you remember the time you tried to confess your feelings for her?

I'll suggest a preposition change here. This should probably be "to". Try to figure out why... When you use "her", it sounds like the character tried to confess his or her feelings towards the girl, but to whom? Whereas, if you use "to", it's clear that the character had confessed to the girl. Don't worry about what kind of feelings he or she was having. It's obvious enough and could be implied with what he or she was already feeling that moment.

Nitpicks #7

A chuckle escapes from your lips as you reminisce those good times you were with her.

She raises her eyebrows and squint both of her eyes.

A curve appears across her face as she places few strands of her brown hair behind her ears.

Nitpick #8

"I--- <delete one hypen and spaceI--I..."

Nitpick #9

Your eyes starts to roam all over the place, avoiding her eyes.

Nitpick #10

He is reading a newspaper without any presence of a single person or woman beside him.

Without any whutt?? I think you got this one.

Nitpick #11

"I... y--you have something.... <delete space>something on your face."

Nitpick #11

At first the girl doubts it, folding her arms, but it takes her a few seconds to dig her hand into her shoulder bag for a mirror. But in advance, your index finger swabs off the make-believe dirt on her face so she won't find out about your pretty lie.

Nitpick #12

"There. It's gone." You try to fake smile at her when you notice her eyes were in confusion.

Nitpick #13

PICK:

The door automatically slides open, and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away and is replaced by an artificial atmosphere.

The door automatically slides open and the fresh morning air suddenly fades away, replaced by an artificial atmosphere.

Nitpick #14

And then you remember the locket you have been saving up for a month to buy for her.

I think this should be "had been saving", 'cause I'm pretty sure it was already done.

OVERALL

Hey, Yurii, as the character itself has said, it seems pretty much cliche. O_o It was too vague, I think. But it was the style, maybe, that there were no specifics such as names. Sad. I'd wanted to know more about everything, because without those specifics, it felt like I was watching a commercial about not letting go of chances, the actors/actresses faces all blurred and stuffs. Well, that's just stupid of me. LOL But it is the way I feel with your story.

But I have to admit, setting that aside, you did a pretty good job with this. You know the second person stuff. It's actually good! Though you were slippin' off with some tenses (I know, writing in present tense is H-A-R-D, and sometimes kind of weird) it was okay. Not a big problem. I even tried to point out everything.

And, last comment before I go: I love the ending. Ha! Oh, never mind me. I'm being such a sexist, am I not? HE IGNORED THE GIRL BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO DO THE CONFESS THINGY! HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH... right? right? He's full of pride. LOL It's cool, really. Nice job, Yurii! Wish you the best for the contest.

~ Kuya ♥

P.S. I'm considering to enter now too. WHUT? One day left. Yes, this is how I was with your contest too, remember? I like doing things at the last minute. Sometimes though, I regret it.

I did a review for this piece but it seems to have vanished into thin air D:
I'll just briefly do another one!
I liked the concept of using third person POV to 'scold' the MC, it made me feel like the one watching all this happen in frustration. (I wanted to grab the MC by the shoulders and shake him hard xD)
One thing you could probably work on is some background to their relationship because currently you're very focused on the now, the moment.
You did a good job of showing more than telling though! Yay for you
See you around!
~Meep(: