Young Writers Society

So, I'm kind of hyped up on cough drops and Red Bull. I wrote this in a fit of spastic inspiration and don't be surprised if it makes the list for worst written stories in the universe. Grammar mistakes don't matter much to me, just what you thought overall of the story would be good.

EVIL LLAMA HYBRID MONKEYS.

Btw, the 12+ if for slight cursing.


Dear You,

She looks like a princess tonight. You know it. I know it. Everyone in this god-damned universe knows it.

I don’t even know why I bother to come any more. I’m like chopsticks to you, aren’t I? Use it once, play with it a little, then throw it away for the oh-so superior fork while thinking ’Damn those Asian’s and their complicated utensils’. And you know that’s exactly what you’d be thinking. You’re just sarcastic like that.

See what you reduce me too? Nonsensical, incoherent babbling about utensils.

I swear your eyes were shining once she came in, she just brought in that light with her. I was forced to go and give her that stupid little kiss on the cheek and big I-saw-you-three-hours-ago-but-it-feels-like-forever hug. I wanted to be resentful towards her, but it’s just so damn hard because she’s my best friend and has been there for me through a lot. Then of course, making me feel all third-wheelish, you started to kiss for about ten or so hours, completely forgetting the ‘Don’t make out while Christy is around’ rule. How rude.

Anyway, I played chauffeur while you guys laughed at some inside joke in the back, we got to the movies on time and everything was just awesome. You paid for popcorn and soda and remembered that I wanted Dr. Pepper mixed with Cherry Coke, even though you forgot about her soda combinations (Sunkist with Diet Pepsi and a shot of red Hi-Ci). We all sat together with you in the middle and instead of watching Jackie Chan kick ass, I watched as you put your arms around her and both of you just looked at each other the whole time. You whispered your love and my cheesy romance hating brain barfed while my love deprived heart swooned. I slid as far away from you as I could and tried to focus on the movie.

Half way through, she needed to go to the bathroom and dragged me with her, forcing me to listen to her pee and talk about how great you are and how you volunteer with disabled children and how you‘re getting on the Deans Honor Roll list for the highest Senior GPA and the rest of her babbling. Of course, I already knew this stuff so I just zoned her out and imagined I had stayed with you instead of gone to the bathroom and we talked like we used to before you two broke the best friends rule and started to date.

It sucks, doesn’t it? Because she knew about everything and still went after you. That even though I was in love with you for three freaking years, she still got her big forest green eyes set on you. She was never very trustworthy but I still trusted her with my secrets. And that left me as the quiet best friend of this pathetic play, while you played the handsome but humble male lead and her, obviously as the beautiful seductress. It sucks because you’re still so clueless, still so freaking oblivious to everything. We always joked how she was the female Harry Potter, gorgeous, smart, funny with an exciting past, while I’m the female Ron Weasley, the poor, clumsy red-head, who was always sidekick except I had the brain that sad, little Ron lacked. Now it’s true, because I guess in retrospect, you’re the male Ginny and I’m just a sibling to you. Just a sister, someone to joke with and ask girl advice, no one to ever look at in any other way because that would just seem like incest.

It sucks because I know you like me too, even if you won’t admit it. In the deepest part of your heart, you know it’s true but you’re with her so it’s shameful to think about.

It sucks because even though I swore I was over you, I know I’m not.

And I know I won’t ever be.

Respectfully,

Sincerely,

Love,

-Me

jasminebells wrote: I wrote this in a fit of spastic inspiration and don't be surprised if it makes the list for worst written stories in the universe.

Worst written story in the universe? Definitely not. Nowhere *close*. This was utterly fantastic, funny and sweet and sad all at the same time. You're only thirteen years old - how did you manage to write such a cute and bitter piece?

Grammar mistakes don't matter much to me, just what you thought overall of the story would be good.

So many lines struck me as hilarious, and then made me feel bad for laughing. The Asian chopsticks thing was such a random analogy, but it really worked. This piece was just great. The overall story should have been cliché, it's been written and told so many times before, but you've managed to put a unique twist and spin on this by having such an awesome, down-to-earth writing style.

*shakes head* I thought I've written worthless reviews before, but this has to be the worst yet - absolutely no constructive criticism to fish slap you with. I wish I could write like you, inject stories with humour and still end up making the reader feel sympathy for the narrator.

Loved it.

- Jai

Makes no sense? This is your way of making sense of your frustration. It's funny and most teens on here can understand it completely. You're simply writing down what you cannot say.

I thought this was wonderful- you kept on switching who you were addressing it to, and the genders were a bit confusing at one point, but otherwise, this was human and raw, while maintaining a quirky little voice. Brilliant piece of writing. Loved it. c:


-Coral-

Jas i think it is kinda cool ! i mean ,it's kinda different and it's something that a teenage-girl would feel if they're bestfriend date they're Ex.

And i loved how you ended it! with those words,but then you cancel them x) it's pretty amazing! if you write anything like this fell free to tell me i would love to read more of it

~Book Person~
love,Mel

Thanks for the reviews guys! I have two days till I have to send it in to a newsaper for a contest IThe contest is to take a common cliche and try to make an original story out of it. I don't think I did very well so I appreciate all the help

~Jas

Hi Jas,

So I thought it was awesome. The emotions in there... Well I'm just going to say that it made me feel like I was the one who was saying all those things, the one that lived it. Thank you, it was beautiful. And don't say it sucks or it makes no sense, because it does. It does for everyone that ever got that feeling of loosing someone.

Keep on writing!

-Other One

I love this. How could you think it doesn't make sense? I love the way you took a cliche such as this and turned it into well... this. I can feel the bitterness wellimg up inside your character. I adore this, it's absolutely wonderful. PM me if you win the contest.

Thanks for the reviews! Wow, I never thought I'd make featured.

Holy Mussolini, I wish I could write like this in a red bull powered tizzy! I loved every line of this. I ate it up like a pancake breakfast and I never wanted it to end. Generally, I would have rolled my eyes over that chop sticks metaphor, but it fit the voice so well that it actually made me smile. I sincerely hope you write so freely in the future!

Enjoyed every second of it.
-Lauren

Great story Freshy, but why are you always high on red bull! Well you did a pretty good job throughout the whole thing and I really like the reference to the Harry Potter universe. I'm not much for romantic novels, but I can tell that they definitely run off of emotion, something you have a lot of in this piece.

Nice job,

Day

Heya Jas

I'm here to review as requested. One thing I'd like to mention before I get started is that I think you should take out the part in brackets in your title. It's pretty distracting and it isn't very attractive either xD I think you should just keep it as Dear You. Plus, don't be so down on yourself... you're beginning to sound like me. I know you're not too bothered about grammatical stuff, but I'll give you a quick few nit-picks anyway.

Use it once, play with it a little, then throw it away for the oh-so superior fork while thinking ’Damn, those Asian’s and their complicated utensils’.

I think you should put the last half of this in italics.

Then, of course, making me feel all third-wheelish, you started to kiss for about ten or so hours, completely forgetting the ‘Don’t make out while Christy is around’ rule.

Anyway, I played chauffeur while you guys laughed at some inside joke in the back. We got to the movies on time and everything was just awesome.

Half way through, she needed to go to the bathroom and dragged me with her, forcing me to listen to her pee and talk about how great you are, how you volunteer with disabled children, how you‘re getting on the Deans Honor Roll list for the highest Senior GPA and the rest of her babbling.

And that left me as the quiet best friend of this pathetic play, while you played the handsome, but humble, male lead, and her, obviously as the beautiful seductress.

It sucks because you’re still so clueless, still so freaking oblivious to everything. We always joked how she was the female Harry Potter; gorgeous, smart, funny with an exciting past, while I’m the female Ron Weasley; the poor, clumsy red-head, who was always sidekick except I had the brain that sad, little Ron lacked.

Overall

As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good, Jas. It's easily the best piece of writing I've read of yours. It was interesting and quite funny at times. I'm not sure if that was what you were going for, but I liked it. Like the others have said, I think that you used a cliché idea, but turned it into something different and rather quirky. One of the things I liked best about this piece was probably the voice of the poem. I liked your MC and the way she felt, thought, and spoke about her feelings, memories and experiences. The plot idea was cliché, but like I said before, you made it interesting and turned it into something of your own. Although you said you weren't too bothered about your grammar, you did have some issues here and there. You had some misused commas and some sentences were a bit confusing at times because of your grammar and wording. It wasn't too bad though, overall.

My main critique for this was the fact that although the feelings of your MC were clear, when it came to emotive language and descriptions, there wasn't an awful lot. I could tell that your MC was angry at her friend and the guy she liked, but anyone would be in her situation. Use some really great adjectives that can express her feelings without just telling us. I did notice you telling and not showing now and then. Also, wouldn't your MC be feeling other emotions too? Sure, she'd be angry and upset, but wouldn't part of her feel guilty too? Wouldn't she be feeling a bit guilty about the fact that she's letting her jealousy control her friendships? There might even be a part of her that feels a bit of sorrow. Describe how she misses the times when the guy she likes and her were really great friends and did everything together. What I'm basically trying to say is that I'd like for you to show us more varied emotions, not just the same ones over and over again. I'd also like to see you describing things a bit more clearly, as well. That might be down to your grammar and wording though.

Considering this is a rather short piece, I don't really have anything else to critique. As a whole, I thought that this was well written and a very good piece of yours. One of the things that I liked a lot was the way you began and ended this. The beginning with You and the ending with Me. I thought that was clever. One last thing I'll mention though is that you tend to use the word and instead of commas sometimes. I won't go into any details though because I know you're not too bothered about the grammar right now.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Oh, my dear. It's quite likely you won't even read this review since you've already gotten so many and are probably no longer watching it like a hawk to see if anyone new has commented on it, but just in case you do read it, just let me tell you that this piece was beautiful in every way. Written in a realistic, natural teenage-girl voice about a relatable subject and just delightfully quirky throughout. It reminded me a lot of my poem "Love, Awkwardness, and Moonlight: As Told by a Third Wheel." It sucks being a third wheel, doesn't it? I feel your pain.

xD I read all my reviews and anxiously hope more come! Thanks so much for the review Princess and Skins!

~Jas

BTW, this is entirely fiction, lol.

You say that this is the worst story in the universe? Poppycock!!!! This is very inside the charecters head. I'd write more but they have everything covered!:) Greatly written!