Young Writers Society

As I looked into her green eyes and said the last words that would bind us together,husband and wife. "I do" I said then we kissed. As we ran back down the isle toward are car that would take us to the airport,I was floating on a cloud. We would be together forever,as long as we both shall live. That was what the priest had said. As long as we both shall live. That would be forever our love would last forever.

Hey Dasia!

I'm not sure if this is long enough to give a full critique to, but you posted it, so I guess I'll tell you what I think!

Firstly, it should be

"I do," I said.

Confused about dialogue punctuation? This is a very useful article.

Then as far as content is concerned... it's a little cliché, is it not? I mean, I've already read similar, and I don't really do vampires. If you want to write a vampire story, make it original! Don't just have them together... forever. It's such a cliché.

As well as that, there's always tons of room for character in even a paragraph like this. Right now, I don't even know whether it's the bride or groom talking. And surely that's not a good thing.

It's not bad, but it could be sooooo much more!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Not to wreck your story idea but a vampire and mortal in love has been used many times.

This piece honestly sounds like the Breaking Dawn wedding scene, kind of unoriginal.

Hello there, dasiamari!

Here to review.

Errors/ Corrections in Red.
Comments in Black.

As I looked into her sky blue eyes and said the last words that would bind us together,(space here)husband and wife, vampire and mortal "I do", I said then we kissed. As we ran back down the isle towards our car that would take us to the airport,(space here)I was floating on a cloud(tell us more of her feelings rather that using a figure of speech). We would be together forever,(space here)as long as we both shall live. That was what the priest had said. As long as we both shall live(maybe try to italic this line, since you used this twice). That we would be forever and our love shall last forever.

This is short but a good piece. Though the vampire-human love thing, is kind of cliche' so maybe try to use some good descriptions. It's like just plainly a wedding with no interesting stuffs to read. Also, try to express more of the feelings of your MC. Try to describe his surroundings, atmosphere and even the person he's going to marry. You can improve more if you revise your sentence into something that's not so cliche' and use good descriptions and also, with spaces and commas.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

_Yuri_

End of my new story

THIS is the end of my novel which is still on chapter 4

What is the motive for this? I love it though.

it the end of Love In The Rain my novel
Thanks for loving it