z

Young Writers Society


Anna and Ryan- their story



User avatar
58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3696
Reviews: 58
Thu Mar 25, 2010 9:37 pm
Ktg17 says...



Hey everyone! This is a story I just wrote when I couldn't sleep one night, and I know it's not perfect. I'm really not looking for grammar reviews, but more on the story itself. Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anna had known Ryan practically all her life. With him being her Cousin Drew’s Best friend, they were introduced at a young age. When Anna was five, Ryan and Drew eight, they used to play together at Drew’s house, swimming in the pool, laughing and smiling all the time, joking around to see who could play the best pranks on each other, Ryan. They never had a worry in the world. They didn’t go to the same school, or even live in the same town, but that was no issue. They didn’t care that Anna was 3 years younger either. They were just such good friends
Ryan and Anna’s moms were good friends, and Anna’s mom always used to say “You know, someday, you and Ryan are going to get married.” Of course, they never really believed it, just dismissed the comment with a roll of their eyes and a murmur of “Ugh, moms,” while the parents laughed. Anna never really thought of Ryan in that way; He was always just her friend, with his funny hair that never seemed to go the right way, his dark brown eyes, and a dusting of freckles covering his nose. He was cute, but Anna didn’t think like that. To her, he was always just Ryan.
As the years went by, though, they began to lose track of each other. They both got older, and eventually it wasn’t cool to hang out with a person of the opposite gender. Anna actually forgot about Ryan when she met Tom Larson in middle school. He asked her to dance at every school dance, and she was immediately Star struck. He was everything. He liked her, and she returned the same affection. This all happened right around the same time all her friends began to get boyfriends, and everything got so dramatic. Ryan was one of the last things on her mind, as was she on his.
When Ryan and Drew’s school basketball team began winning some of their games, naturally Anna’s family went to go support Drew. That’s when they saw each other again. Anna’s family was sitting with her aunt Carol (Drew’s mom) and her family, and a row below her was Ryan’s mom. Anna didn’t notice her, though, until the announcer began shouting out the names of the starting lineup for the game, and she began cheering wildly.
“And starting off for the Jackson High School falcons tonight, playing at guard, Number 21, Ryan Chaznik!”
She snapped her head around so fast when she heard that name, her head hurt. She stared at him and realized that he was no longer the little boy she used to know. His short black hair was just barely spiked in the front, the brown eyes on his tan face fierce and exciting, his tall body muscular. She was in total awe. He looked up then and their eyes met. She attempted a smile she hoped looked cute, but he just shook his head and ran out on the court. She cheered for him the whole time, and he heard her. He knew it was her, he’d known her voice for a very long time, and he’d missed hearing it.
That night, the stats of Ryan Chaznik and never been so great. The game of his life he had played, just because she was there.
This was how he would make it up to her later. He knew how his friends would react if they saw him with a younger girl who in their minds wasn’t even “hot”. He thought what he was doing was for the best, to protect her, and his image. After all, he had a reputation to keep.
After the game was over and the parents went out on the court to greet the players, just as he had expected she came bounding down the bleacher steps and walked over to him, calling out his name.
“RYAN!” she screeched, and delivered a big hug to him, one that he did not return. “You played so great, I didn’t realize how good you had gotten, and I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever…”
“Whoa there,” he exclaimed, pushing her away, “Do I know you?”
“Ha ha, very funny Ryan.” She said, smiling her cute little crooked smile he’d always loved. He began to think that maybe he wouldn’t go through with his plan; maybe his friends wouldn’t tease him. Maybe his friends would like her, and she’d become instantly popular. All these thoughts drained away, however, when Lee Michaels, fellow teammate, came over and asked, “Yo Ryan, who is that girl?” Lee tried hiding a laugh, but was not successful.
“I... I don’t know” Ryan stuttered, “She’s just some fan, I guess.”
“Ryan, you don’t remember me? It’s me, Anna Nelson. We were really good friends when we were little…” Anna trailed off, her face a mirror of complete shock.
“I’ve never seen you before, Girl.” And with that, Ryan and Lee walked off. As he walked away, Ryan turned around one last time, and the single tear he saw rolling down his old friend’s cheek made his heart break in two.

* * *
After they graduated, Anna and Ryan went off to college, and began the rest of their lives. They never spoke again, not even at Ryan’s Open House after he graduated, where he avoided her the whole time, and she didn’t try to get near him. His heart always ached when he remembered the last time they’d spoken; wishing things could have turned out differently.
When Ryan was 24, he was working as a lawyer, and doing well. He had his own firm, and plenty of money, being very successful. One day, he was working in his office when his phone went off. Sherrie, his secretary, appeared on the other line.
“Sir, your two o’clock appointment is here”
He pushed the intercom button on his phone and shouted “Send him in.”
He scribbled a few notes from his last case on a green notepad and when the door creaked open, he looked up. In the doorway stood a woman, with long, flowing brown hair and deep blue eyes. Her thin body was in a navy blue skirt suit. Her narrow face looked just as shocked as his did as she looked into his eyes.
“…Ryan?” she stammered.
He nodded his head, smiling in disbelief.
“Anna, I can’t believe it’s really you!”
She slowly walked over to his desk, and sat down in the chair facing him.
“It’s great to see you again, Ryan. Okay, the reason I’m here is because I work for…what?” she asked, wondering why he still had that stupid grin she’d always secretly loved plastered on his face.
“I just can’t believe it’s really you, after all these years…”
“Well, it’s me.” Anna said, trying to fill the awkward silence that had taken over.
“I need to talk to you. I need to tell you everything. Can we go get some coffee?” He asked
“That would be nice,” Anna replied, her heart beginning to race, “I’d really like that.”
They stood up, and walked the block to the local coffee shop downtown. After the waitress took their order, he began talking a mile a minute, and she could barely hear what he was saying.
“Anna, I need to tell you that I’ve always really liked you, even from when we were little, and used to pull pranks and play outside in the summer and shoot each other with water guns. And you were always one of my best friends, even if you didn’t notice it. What I did that night at the basketball game was stupid, I should have known better than to let some kids get in the way and mess with my emotions. I thought they would tease me, and I was afraid. It was stupid and I realize that now. You have no idea how much I’ve missed hearing the sound of your voice, and seeing the smile on your face when I made you laugh. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head lately, and every time I saw a little girl with brown pigtails walking down the street, it made me think of you and me, and how things used to be. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to talk to me again, because I know I was a jerk and…”
“Shhhh,” she said, putting her finger on his lips, “you’re babbling again.” Now she was smiling, one of those smiles that when you see it, you just start smiling to. She reached across the table and took his hand. He stood up and laid a few bills on the table to pay for the coffee, and hand in hand, they walked out of the shop together. He looked at her and his heart began racing again, knowing that this was just the beginning of their happy ever after together.


So what did you think?

Edited to stop stretching the page -Stella.
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...
  





User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Fri Mar 26, 2010 12:48 am
eldEr says...



I thought that overall it was very good!
There are a few sentences which could be reconstructed. There's also too much details in some spots and too little in others...
I would just read over it and see if you can spot them. ;)
I really liked the story thought, the plot was good and their reunion at the end was so sweet!!
Good job!!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





User avatar
151 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8414
Reviews: 151
Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:32 am
Forestqueen808 says...



THIS WAS CUTE!!! I so wish it would happen to me...well not exactly, the ending :D not the whole heart break thing. It was super cute, I loved it.
Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you,
and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.


~Sorrow by Flyleaf
  





User avatar
58 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3696
Reviews: 58
Fri Mar 26, 2010 7:43 pm
Ktg17 says...



Thanks so much for reviewing, everyone! :D Glad you all like it!
Last edited by Ktg17 on Sun Apr 18, 2010 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Even if you see in black and white, think in color...
  





User avatar
98 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 14091
Reviews: 98
Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:01 pm
curiousvampire says...



Its good. I like, but its a little too fast, you skipped their entire life to adulthood and I wish you had a little more detail with descriptions. But all in all it was sweet and epicly brilliant.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."
  





User avatar
23 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3842
Reviews: 23
Sat Apr 03, 2010 12:34 am
brainychic212 says...



I really liked this but I felt like there were some points where there could have been more detail. I understand that this is just a short story but that's no reason to fly through it. There are other things in the story I would have liked to know. Maybe develop the characters more?

I think this would be just fine if you decided to leave it the way it is, but if you want to fine-tune it, just add a few more details, k?

Overall though, I thought this was a very cute story and I'm glad you asked me to read it. :)

Keep up the good work!
-Brainy
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."
-Pride and Prejudice

"Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader—not the fact that it is raining, but the feeling of being rained upon."
-E.L. Doctorow
  





User avatar
553 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 58538
Reviews: 553
Sat Apr 03, 2010 9:22 am
MiaParamore says...



Loved it, kg17. I told you never to stop writing and this is very good. very good for your age. I saw many mistakes but as you don't want any to be pulled out so I won't bother you. Anyways if you want PM me.
The story was good. Is this the end?
If yes, then you can expand this into a novel or longer story if you want.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  





User avatar
98 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 5567
Reviews: 98
Sun Apr 04, 2010 6:21 am
budding writer says...



This was really nice.Just like one of the storybook type romances that i really love. i liked how everything worked out at the end. also the decriptions of both anna and ryan was very cute.

the only thing i would say would be that the periods of time when you told their story seemed to pass very quickly. like suddenly they're teenagers then suddenly they have jobs. see what i mean. you should take the time and write it out again. maybe seperate it into chapters?

well thats all, but keep writing, you're good!!
## My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations ##
  





User avatar
1125 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125
Sun Apr 04, 2010 3:29 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Ktg, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Cousin Drew’s Best friend,


Why the capital B?

and she was immediately Star struck.


starstruck.

That night, the stats of Ryan Chaznik and never been so great.


the stats?

The game of his life he had played, just because she was there.


Why are you talking like Yoda? "He had played the best game of his life"?

“Sir, your two o’clock appointment is here”


Full stop at the end.

Alright.

II. THE FAIRYTALE

Once upon a time, there was a handsome prince and a beautiful princess, who overcame all obstacles to get married and live happily ever after.

Of course, it doesn't really work like that, does it?

Seems to me you can go two ways with this: you can play the fairytale up, or you can play it down. Right now, you're in the middle, and it's very grey, and what's more, it just doesn't work. Your last scene isn't strong enough to pull it off. I mean "I've liked you for a really long time?" He's twenty-four! He's a lawyer! Would he say that to some woman he barely knows anymore?

Most of my issues are with that scene. It needs improving. Whether you decide to make it completely fairytale-ish, in which case it needs to be even more childish, or more grown-up. Either way, you need to find a different resolution to that speech. It's just not doing it. How would this work in the real world, or even in the fantasy world? Would the prince just say to the princess "I've liked you for a really long time?" Would they, firstly, have no obstacle to overcome but their own pigheaded-ness? Would they wander off into happily-ever-after without even so much as a kiss?

In other words, I'm not buying it.

III. OVERALL

It wasn't bad as such, but I feel like you could get sooo much more substance in there! I want characters! I want conflict! I want plot! I know you can do it.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





User avatar
19 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2676
Reviews: 19
Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:41 am
ace1996 says...



This is cuuute :]
Some of the sentences need to be reconstructed.
and it felt like the story was moving too quickly.
but other than that:
it was short and sweet.
“We’re having too good a time today. We ain’t thinkin’ about tomorrow.”
-Johnny Depp, Public Enemies


Got Reviews?
  





User avatar
104 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4429
Reviews: 104
Tue Apr 06, 2010 3:34 am
comrie says...



this was cute.
descriptions are necessary. i feel as if you didn't describe enough, and it was going a bit too fast. i didn't like how parts of their lives were being skipped, but i guess i kind of understand why you did: to get to the main parts.
maybe you could add more meat into this? you could give it a little more oomph, like, more plot/conflict-- that kinda stuff.
umm, there's only one thing i'd revise:
He pushed the intercom button on his phone and shouted “Send him in.”

i'd add a comma after shouted.
the other reviewers pretty much pointed out the other stuff, but i thought this was sweet. i so love the last line.
-julie
kissin' sailors
  





Random avatar


Gender: Female
Points: 1454
Reviews: 17
Wed Apr 07, 2010 1:02 am
sparkle8744 says...



This is a very good start to a story. I love the tone, but your moving a little too fast. You need to spend more time on details, I believe. Your good at showing what things look like, but not what the character is feeling deeply. This is very important for your readers to get an understanding of who your character is and their personality. You see what I mean? But you definitely do have me hooked and I am desperate to know more:) Please PM me when you post anything new. Thanks!

Sparkle
  





User avatar
102 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 8230
Reviews: 102
Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:37 pm
Sionarama says...



awwwwww! So romantic! <3 But there are some things Im kinda confused with.
Like what happened to Drew? Obviously he liked her, taking her to all the dances and such. Poor drew! Id really like to hear his side of the story! Like, wasnt drew on the team with Ryan? And she cheered just for Ryan!!!!! I REALLY AMAZINGLY LOVE YOUR STORY!!! ITS ROMANTIC AND I WISH I WAS ANNA. but you probably dont think that i think that since what I said about Drew..... BUT STILL!

AWWWWWWWW :smt054 :smt056 :smt057 :smt052

CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
  





User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 465
Reviews: 81
Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:03 pm
Piper says...



Ok, I thought this was really cute. But why did you use the name Ryan twice? The guy from here's name was Ryan, and the guy from her star story's name was Ryan. I got confused. For a while I thought that they were the same Ryan. Then I went over to her star story and realized that the Ryan from that story was a carpender and the one from this story was a Lawyer. I would advise changing one of them (I think you should change the one from her star story, but thats just me.) Other than that, I really liked it. I do agree that it is kind of wierd that a twenty-four year old man would hold on to a childhood crush, but I like the way he admits to being a jerk way back when. I think you did a good job on this story, and you did a very good job portraying all of the characters emotions. I would Kind of like to know more about Anna and Ryan now. Well, anyway, keep writing!
Cats are like characters. You may say they're yours, but in reality, they own you. ~Me

You can take away all the arts you want, but soon, the children won't have anything to read or write about. ~Glen Holland
  





User avatar
88 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 648
Reviews: 88
Sun Jan 30, 2011 3:30 pm
lovethelifeulive says...



Hi!
I really enjoyed reading your short story. You have a great way of writing and I adore your creativity.
I was just sitting there, biting my nails in the basketball scene.
I was like yelling aloud: "No, stupid! What did you do that for?!?!"
But, yeah, I really love your writing and hope to see more like this from you!
Thank you for posting it!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love
  








Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb