Young Writers Society

Hey guys! this took me ages just to think of the characters so please review! IF you like it that is.






I looked out my window, down below at the busy traffic and rushed people of London city. The sun glinted in my green eyes. My stereo was loud, blasting My Chemical Romance into the ears of whoever was around outside the doors of my room, in an orphanage.

"Damn it Tom, will you turn that crap down? My ears are bleeding." Joli shouted above the sound of my stereo. She was the person who ran this kip. I could hardly complain. She was infact a good woman. She took kids without families, kids from the streets and gave them a home here.

I walked to my stereo and turned it down. I was a bit tired. My friend Decko and I had been up around stalls today, after running from security guards that is. He had robbed something valuless from one of the stalls for the thrill of it. I was once again dragged into his trouble.

I had a counseling session about now, but I decided I would not go. Rodge could wait untill another time to pry into people's lives and pretend to care about their "problems".

I had always been this way, closed, unable to cared about anybody or their emotions. It was just the way I was. Besides, people just let you down no matter how bad you care about them. It was just life. After a while of hovering, I went to sleep. At leats, I tried to.

______________________

My alarm went off at seven in the morning. I couldn't bare school today, so there was no way I was going. It wasn't neccessarily because I was tired, I simply couldn't face the teachers. I decided to call up my mate Decko, ask him if he fancied mitching for a day. Of course, being Decko, he quickly took me up on my suggestion.


"So princess, what do you feel like this morning?" He asked sarcastically.

"Had better days, had worse days." I replied. Cold wind blew my short dark hair.

"Wanna go piss off the security guards down by the stalls again?" He asked absent mindedly thinking I was up for it.

"Nope," I replied honestly. "Besides, what does that achieve? You get your thrill and I get in trouble because of you and your love for fear? Get real Decko, I'm tired anyways."

"Alright then, wanna go for chips?" He suggested. I could tell he was a bit anoyed because of the way his fists were balled up in the pockets of his baggy grey hoody.

"Yeah whatever." I said, my tone was uncaring as always, numb. I walked with my mate down the streets of London, my baggy track suit blowing about in the wind.

We sat there for about ten minutes, on the windowstill outside the chipper.

"Reckon we'll get in trouble then?" I asked. It felt good being full after I hadn't eaten in ages.

"Yeah probably, who cares anyway? You only live once mate." He said, his mouth full as he chucked his empty bag in a bin on the street. Sometimes he said some pretty inspiring stuff.

_______________

I sat in class the next day, knowing all the usual things our teacher would say to me. Waste of space, why do you come to school? etc. I didn't care about them losers anyway.

After I had recieved my daily lecture, a girl walked in. I had never noticed her before. She was getting in trouble for something. As I listened, I could hear that she was getting in trouble for spray painting graffiti in the girls bathrooms. She had gotten detention, as had I.

She walked out after class, her long light brown hair past her elbows. She dropped some books on the way out.

"Dose Sam, I 'ain't helping you with those though." Another girl said.

"Oh whatever you stupid prat come here and say it to my face I dare ya!" The girl said. Man she had attitude alright. She walked out of school, wearing combat pants, converse and a brown bag that swung by her side.

______________

I sat in detention, staring at the clock. Time was going nowhere. Suddenly the door opened. I seen a familiar face. It took me a minute or two to figure out it was the girl from yesterday. She'd been late and she was now getting in trouble once again.

"Where were you?" A teacher demanded angrily.

"I had stuff to do." She replied calmly. She looked as if she'd been crying.

"What stuff might that be?"

"Just stuff, that is none of your business alright?" The girl snapped.

"If you were late to detention, what you were up to is very much my business. Have you been crying?"

"What is this counseling? You a counselor are you? Didn't think so. I am not tellin' you nothing so why don't you keep your nosy questions for someone who will answer?" The girl flicked back her long brown hair and stared the teacher straight in the eyes.

"Just sit down Samantha." The teacher sighed, looking over her round glasses.

"Its Sam." The girl corrected. But, she threw her brown bag onto the floor and sat in one of the miserable grey school desks.

There were only the two of us in detention today. I was used to being the only one in there. A lot of the peeple at the school were kiss ups.

We pretended to be studying for a while, at least, until the teacher spoke up.

"I have to go out for five minutes and I better not hear a sound."

"Yes, your majesty!" Sam said with false enthusiasm, and a whole lot of sarcasm.

After the teacher had left the mostly empty class room, I looked up and worked up the nerve to speak to the rebellious girl.

"She doin' your head in then?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I want to pound her face in." She said.

"What exactly are you in here for?" I asked her curiously.

"Some girl grafitied the girl's bathrooms and blamed it on me. The little cow!" Sam said. Her brown eyes were red from, I supposed, tears.

I wondered why somebody would do that to her? I know she probably had an attitude problem, as had I, but she didn't seem to be the type to get into fights for no reason.

"Why? That isn't fair." I said, I wasn't a cheerful person but I wanted to cheer her up. She seemed sort of cool.

"Life 'ain't fare mate, not one bit." She said. She then stared down at her book, eyes tearing up. It filled me with curiosity over a girl I may never end up speaking to again.
________________


I woke up early Saturday morning, wanting to get out of the kip. I got dressed and headed out the door, with my iPod turned up loud.

I walked around London, thinking. It was a good place to think. I kicked a stone for about five minutes. Pointless, but then again wasn't everything? My old trainers were getting even more worn.

Just as I stepped around a corner, a girl, looking very panicked, tripped and I caught her before she fell. Of course, it was Sam. I wondered what was up with her.

"Sorry." She breathed. Her voice sounded thick.

"'S'alright," I said. "Are you OK?"

"Uh, to be honest mate no I'm not." She said, flustered. Her hands were shaking.

"I may not know you well but, I do know what feeling crap is like. Wanna tell me what's up?" I asked. What was the harm? I pitied the girl. I didn't know why, but I did.

She quickly looked around her before facing me properly.

"Could you walk with me please?" She asked as if needing protection from somebody.

"Yeah, course." I said

We walked around for a bit, not really speaking much. She finally talked to me after a while.

"Sorry about this. I interrupted your plans just because I needed protection from someone. . ." She said genuinely.

"No problem, I didn't have any plans. I wasn't really doing anything. What exactly did you need protection from?" I asked. I tried to make my voice sound comforting, but I didn't know if it worked.

I saw a man running across the street towards us, suddenly Sam grabbed me and we ran.

____________________


Should I write more? I know it needs revising and all, it was written quickly.

I am intrigued to know what's going on. I think you should write more but I think the transitions from day to day could have been smoother. This piece felt really choppy and the descriptions, I feel, can be improved. They were all kind of short and dry.

"Nope," I replied honestly. "Besides, what does that achieve? You get your thrill and I get in trouble because of you and your love for thrill? Get real Decko, I'm tired anyways."

I think using the word thrill twice in this part makes it sound kind of awkward. Could you rewrite it somehow without using thrill twice?

I like the piece I just think it needs some revising. The characters seem to interesting and I'd really like to see how it all turns out. PM me if you write more or have questions!

Alright, well here we go. ^^

"Damn it Tom will you turn that crap down?

I believe you want to put a coma after Tom. =3

She took kids without families, kids from the streets and gave them a home.

You might want to reword this sentence a little bit. It sounds a little weird.
eg;She took the kids without families, the kids from the streets and gave them a home here.

again, dragged

Unnecessary coma, I believe.

I had a counsiling session about now, I decided I would not go.

This is a little weird too. I would add a but before the I.
Oh and I think you mean counseling.

Besides, people just let you down no matter how bad you care about them.

It should be cared because it sounds much better.

At leats, I tried to.

I think you mean least.

I couldn't bare school today, there was no way I was going.

I would put a so instead of that coma. It just doesn't seem a good like a good sentence splitter.

was getting in trouble for spray paint grafiti in the girls bathrooms

It should be painting.
And graffiti.

her long light brown hair past er elboes

I think you meant, her elbows.

I sat in detention, staring at the clock.

Unnecessary coma.

I seen a familiar face.

The correct type of see would be saw.

We pretended to be studying for a while, until the teacher spoke.

Another strange sounding sentence.
Maybe: We pretended to be studying for a while, at least, until the teacher spoke up.

"I have to go out for five minutes, I better not hear a sound."
"Yes your majesty!"

The first sentence, I would put an and instead of the coma.
Then put a coma after the yes in the second sentence.

Her brown eyes were red from, I supposed, tears.

So, you've told us about her crying a few times now, and it's starting to get really old. Maybe put a different detail in there. We already know she had been crying. The reader doesn't need to be constantly reminded.

I said,period instead of the coma I wasn't a cheerful person, but I wanted to cheer her up.

It filled me with curiosity over a girl I may never end up speaking to again.

Definitely a sentence that confused me as I read it. Reword it somehow.

Pointless, put then again wasn't everything?

Uhm. I don't think you want the put there.

Just as I stepped around a corner, a girl, looking very panicked, tripped and I caught her before she fell.

This is a run on.
I would have, I caught her before she fell, a different sentence.

Of course it was Sam

Put a coma after course.

I pittied the girl, I didn't know why but I did.

That coma should be a period.
There should be a coma after why.
And pitied is spelled with one 't.'

"Sorry about this. I interupted your plans just because I needed protection!"

Whoa. What? I think you should reword the second sentence a bit more. I had to read it over a few times to actually understand what she was trying to say.
Oh and interrupted.

I saw a man running across the street towards us, suddenly Sam grabbed me and we went running.

I would put a period after us, capitalize suddenly and then change 'we went running' to, 'and we ran.'


Overall::
Yes, my review was quite long, but most of it was things you could have caught if you reread it a few times and did spell check. In fact, my advice to you, is to read it out loud to yourself or in front of family members. Not just what you think it should be because I know I do that sometimes, but word for word. That way you'll know when your reading something weird.
Anyways, it wasn't bad at all. Very interesting. I did feel like I didn't know the characters as much as I could have, but don't take that as a 'write descriptions for them in one paragraph.' No, I'm saying, maybe compare your MC and other characters.
Another thing that bothered me was how short you had the days and how fast you made the transitions. Slow it down. Have each group of paragraphs that you have separated be a chapter. Then write more details. Show how your main character interacts. Put more action into it.

So I believe that's it. I know there is a lot to fix, but that regularly happens. =3 I did enjoy the story though and would love it if you PMed me when you write much more. ^^

-Chenka

This piece got me interested. It definitely needs editing, but the characters were intriguing and the plot made sense. I would add a few more descriptions, though. I can't quite see the main character the way I would like to. Great start!

I definitly think you should keep writing this is really interesting.

While there isn't much to them yet, the characters are quite interesting. The emotions they feel seem real, even if they could be presented in a more subtle manner. Rather than say out-right how your characters feel, try to make it obvious from their body language and speech. In a similar vein, some of the repetition becomes tedious after a while. For example, you have your main character analyse from Sam that she wants protection, and then, shortly after have Sam state that she was correct, using almost the same wording. I feel it would improve the peice greatly if, as I've said above, you could be more subtle with your character's feelings.
Really, this is all just going into detail about one problem, the rest of the peice is quite engrossing. I'd love to see more of this, particularly to watch the developement of relationships between the characters.

Hi,

I very much think you should continue writing this. I've only read a couple of your pieces but you seem very talented. Personaly you captured my intrest quickly. I liked the characters, and it was vey to tell what they're feeling. I did see a couple minor spelling errors though. And where you left it, well it's very unsettling to be brought out ofthe story so suddenly. Even more so for those as interested as I. Haha I loved it, good job.

Amber.