Young Writers Society

This is my first love story, so it'll probably be bad.This story actually happened to me! Enjoy!

Lexie's perspective-

Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock.

Come on stupid clock! Can't you see we all want recess?
Three more minutes. The tension in that room was so tight, you could cut it with your dull school supplies.

Two more minutes. Who wants to concentrate on algebra with recess coming around? Screw having homework. Recess couldn't wait!

One more minute! Everyone was now stirring in their seats, counting down the tiny seconds with the rhythm of the clock.

DIIIINNGGGG! Finally! As Lexie gathered herself to prepared to run, all she could think about was speed. Nothing but speed. Nothing but the wind ripping like paper aroung her sneakers as she dodged smaller students on her way to the soccer field.

Okay. Maybe I should pause to tell you a little about myself. My name is Lexie Carver. I love to play soccer. If you knew me, you'd never catch me with my shoulder length auburn hair down. It was ALWAYS in a ponytail.
I'm about 4 feet 9 inches.My eye's are green.
Oh, and I foregot, if you asked anyone in the 7th grade, they'd say I was boy crazy.
Running outside, I saw a new face. He was a new boy, about 5 feet 3 inches. He had intense brown eyes, and an even deeper shade of brown for his long-for-a-guy hair. Yes, I thought silently to myself, A new good looking guy!
Sorry thats all I have time for. I edited a lot!

HI. Here is my honest critique...not trying to be rude or anything so if I come off that way sorry, just trying to be honest and helpful.

This was really confusing to read because of the constant switching between the viewpoints of the two characters and then quickly shifting to the narrator. Also use of words like 'couldn't' and 'haven't' the way you used them just don't flow together because you kept swtiching between tenses.

I didn't really care about these characters when I was reading this because they don't seem to have any backbone to them. I know NOTHING about them. All I know is this girl likes soccer and appartently is really excited about recess. It doesn't seem very realistic to me because if this girl is in, say junior high, I couldn't see her acting this way. It just seems very childish.

The instance where you begin to talk about Lexie and her love for soccer and then randomly go into the way she looks just doesn't flow together. There aren't any smooth transitions and that is makes it really awkward to read.

When you go into the boys perspective you start off with it being from his point of view 'using I' and then when you go into his thoughts you say 'he thought' instead of 'I thought' which just doesn't work. Also when you are describing the boy and talking about how he moves all the time and his parents don't know the impact it has on him, it's like you are totally just giving out information without showing anything or showing how he feels.

I would suggest you just take the time to fix the tenses, some spelling errors, and to make your characters more convincing and interesting. There has to be more to a girl than liking soccer and being boy crazy doesn't there?

OK, once again, it was good.

I think you can be better.

Here is what I saw.

She's love to play soccer.

I think you meant 'She loves'. Saying 'She's love' would be saying 'She is love'.

She thought he was very good looking. Her luck was getting better every second. Or so she though.

You might have mean 'thought'. I also think instead of saying, "Her luck was getting better every second." You could say, "Her luck seemed to get better every second." I may be wrong but in my opinion it would sound better. That's what I would do though.

Okay. So I was sitting hear, doing my english paper, when about two minutes before twelve, everyone started fidgeting in their seats.

'Hear' should be 'here'. English should be capitalized because it is a language.

About two minutes late, everyone bolted from their seat as an annoying DIIINNGGG! sounded.

Did you mean 'later'?

First off, his name was cody.

The name Cody should be capitalized.

His parents were divorced, and they didn't know what kind of an inpact that took on him.

'Inpact' should be impact.

While he was walking slowly outside to the playgroung, he saw a girl's face that he thought was really cute. Maybe he would work up the courage to talk to her.

You need to correct playground. A space should go between the period after cute and before maybe.

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I'm not a great writer, but I did see these errors that you could go back and edit. I would have liked to have known more about the characters besides that she always wore her hair up and that his parents were divorced.

I also agree with geneevies, you need to work on your verb tenses.

Keep writing though. If I seem harsh or rude, I was just trying to help.

Don't think your writing stinks because someone has edited it. We're just helping.

I don't have time for an in-depth critique, sorry! But I can offer some advice:

1)Show, don't tell: Instead of saying Lexy loved soccer, she wore blablabla... Show us! If she loves soccer so much, tell about her exhiliration as she plays. Even saying she ran to the soccer field tells us she loves it. If you want to do a soccer story, (which would make me read it because personally I LOVE soccer) you're going to have to write her actually playing. And if you want to show she's boy-crazy, show us how she is.

2)Choose a perspective: Switching from Lexy to Cody doesn't really work. I would suggest writing from Lexy's point of view, and introducing Cody's looks, thoughts, and background through Lexy's eyes.

3)Slow down: This chapter was really fast! It was like oh Lexy rushed outside to play soccer, Cody thought she was cute. The end. Expand, write about Lexy playing, maybe how Cody comes in and is her new rival, or her new friend.

4)Small details: You did pretty good with this in the beginning, but try to add more. It helps define your story.

I have to go now, but good job! This story has a lot of potential and I want to see you develop it. If you edit it, please let me know!