Young Writers Society

The land was pale and dull. Just black and white. The people were a dull grey and the roses were white. Yes roses then were also the meaning of love.

One day a boy came up to a girl with a rose in his bloody hand.

"What happened?!"she asked.

"I cut myself for your love."he answered as he handed her the rose as it burst with red color.She thought it was magnificent and treated his wound.

Two days later he brought her a black violet.

"What about a rose?"she asked. "I cant hurt myself again for you,"he answered. She wept on the violet as he left and the violet turned a deep blue.

Three days after the boy brought a strange flower to the girl. "What about the violet?" she asked bitterly.

"I am over you and have come to say good-bye." he answered. The girl took the flower and as she held it agenst his throught as she squezed the life from him.He did not fight as he looked at her angered face. He realized then that he had broken her heart as he died and the unique flower turned a beautiful, chocking purple. She her self couldn't go through life without regretting her actoions as she went through life with the color spreading like wild fires....

Hello, there!

I see you're new to the YWS: welcome! But we do have a rule here, that you make a couple reviews on OTHER PEOPLE'S pieces before posting your own... just to keep the site active and balanced. ^_~

Another "rule" we have is that you spread out your paragraphs out, because there is not indenting on YWS and if you just post a big block of text, it can get hard on our eyes. XD Below is an edited version. The italic comments explain changes I made.

The land was pail and dull. Just black and white. The people were a dull grey and the roses were white. Yes, (I added a comma) roses then were also the meaning of love.

One day, (I added a comma) a boy came up to a girl with a rose in his bloody hand.

"What happened?!" she asked.

"I cut myself for your love," (I made the period into a comma) he answered as he handed her the rose; (I made "as" into a semi-colon. It works better this way) it burst with red color. She thought it was magnificent and treated his wound.

Two days later, (I added a comma) he brought her a black violet. "What about a rose?" she asked.

"I can't hurt myself again for you," he answered. (I added an apostrophe in "can't" and put a comma after "you") She wept on the violet as he left and it (I made "the violet" into "it" to prevent repetition) turned a deep blue.

Three days after that, (I added "that" so that it's grammatically correct) the boy brought a strange flower to the girl.

"What about the violet?" she asked bitterly.

"I am over you and have come to say good-bye," he answered. (I put trhe comma after "good-bye") The girl took the flower and as she held it against (I fixed the spelling from "agenst" to "against") his throat. He (I fixed the spelling of "throat" and also made a period after it.) did not fight as he looked at her angered face. He realized then that he had broken her heart as he died, (I made the "and" into a comma--I think it works better) the unique flower turned a beautiful, chocking purple.

I really don't understand that last sentence. Oh well?

Also, shouldn't this be in Romantic Fiction? PM a mod (anyone with a green name) and ask them to move it for you... or you can PM me, and I'll PM them.

I hope this helps! If you have any questions about my review, or the site in general, feel free to PM me!

Good luck.
~Azila~

Wow that's a really beautiful piece you've written here. I like these kind of stories. I agree with Azila, this piece probably belongs in the romantic fiction section. See if you can poke a moderator (people with their names in green) and ask them to move it there. In the future always remember to post your work in the proper genre, that way you can get proper readers and critics.
And finally WELCOME TO YWS!! If you need anything at all, just PM me and ask me right away. Make sure you read the rules and guides of YWS, it will come very handy.
Hope you have fun here.
-icy.

I think when you said beautiful chocking purple flower, you may have meant beautiful "shocking" flower but other than that great job. This was a very unique story and a really great idea.

Keep up the excellent work,

Trick

ambercoultis wrote:The land was palel and dull. Just black and white. The people were a dull grey and the roses were white. Yes roses then were also the meaning of love.
One day a boy came up to a girl with a rose in his bloody hand."What happened?!"she asked. "I cut myself for your love."he answered as he handed her the rose as it burst with red color.She thought it was magnificent and treated his wound.
Two days later he brought her a black violet."What about a rose?"she asked. "I cant hurt myself again for you"he answered. She wept on the violet as he left and the violet turned a deep blue.
Three days after the boy brought a strange flower to the girl. "What about the violet?" she asked bitterly. "I am over you and have come to say good-bye." he answered. The girl took the flower and as she held it agenst his throught he did not fight as he looked at her angered face. He realized then that he had broken her heart as he died and the unique flower turned a beautiful, shocking purple.

Just a couple of spelling mistakes. Azila picked up all the grammatical errors I noticed. The only thing I can point out is the bolded phrase doesn't make much sense.

Otherwise, I thought this was interesting. ^^

Hello! You can call me Stella, I'll be reviewing for you today!

Wow, this is a really lovely piece. Have you ever heard of The Nightingale and the Rose by Oscar Wilde? Your piece rings to that.

The land was pale and dull. Just black and white. The people were a dull grey and the roses were white. Yes roses then were also the meaning of love.

One day a boy came up to a girl with a rose in his bloody hand."What happened?!"she asked.

"I cut myself for your love," he answered as he handed her the rose and it burst with red color. She thought it was magnificent and treated his wound.

Two days later he brought her a black violet."What about a rose?" she asked.

"I can't hurt myself again for you," he answered. She wept on the violet as he left and the violet turned a deep blue.

Three days after the boy brought a strange flower to the girl. "What about the violet?" she asked bitterly.

"I am over you and have come to say good-bye," he answered. The girl took the flower and as she held it agenst his throught he did not fight as he looked at her angered face. He realized then that he had broken her heart as he died and the unique flower turned a beautiful, shocking purple.

This was really lovely! Just be careful with your grammar. Whenever someone knew starts speaking, make a new line, stuff like that. Also, lengthen it out. More description! Elaborate! Make us bleed and cry and break our hearts with your characters. Look into them themselves, and tell us. Let us into their heads.

Other than that, it was a nice fairytale-type piece. Hoping to see more of you around!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella

Very beautiful! I agree with the above comments about that. It was simple and elegant.

Well done!

I agree. Simple. and it conveys a message. but.

-I agree with the others, the paragraphs need to have spaces inbetween

-a couple spelling mistakes can be taken care of

-I wasn't too sure I liked that the boy cut himself for her. Love shouldn't hurt when its at its best! O.O But that's just my silly mind thinking that. ^_^;


GOOD JOB AND KEEP WRITING!

Hello ambercoultis! This piece was very intriguing, it made me want to read more because it was so subtle but you lacked on descriptionof your charcters. I felt like it was plain and not exactly whole, if you understand what I am trying to say. You did a very nice job over all but I would say to try working on it a little more.


Jessie xx

Choking, throat are the two things that stood out to me, but yeah... great piece! for lack of a better word, it was really unique.

Very nice. But what is the strange flower supposed to be?

I liked the idea of the things changing colors. But I am a little confused: if everything is black and white, how could his blood be red? :weird:

In any case, I loved the simplicity of it and the gentle way it flowed. Very nice. It was a bit vague in the details (why exactly did he decide that she wasn't for him any more?) but I still liked it. Very pretty.

*thumbs up*

Welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

I like this. Interesting ideas. Very bittersweet. The only thing I did not like was the whole black-and-white thing. I felt that it took away from the story.

I didn't mean at all for this to take away.The very aspect was that feelings created color...
-em

It's probably just me. Everyone else seemed to like it.

It reminded me strongly of the movie Pleasantville, and that's why it annoyed me, I think. In the movie everything began as dull, then as emotion poured out things changed color. And the very first thing to change was a flower. Your story has many similarities to it.

But I DO like it, so don't get discouraged. You have anice flow and creative details.

I've never heard of that movie....
Oh well thanks.
-em