Young Writers Society

Name: Aimee Robinson
Age: 5
School: Wilkinson Nursery
Hobbies: Painting, Drawing and Reading.

"Looking back on this I feel, drawn towards her, I want to be there supporting her!! She is my..my younger sister!" Sam said slamming her book down on the desk. "Aimee is part of my life, I have to visit!" Sam shouted forcefully to his mother.
"I don't know, You know she was always.. well she was difficult" she answered putting down the duster. "Anyway, if you want to go you pay for it yourself!" she added sighing. "Alright then!" he said enthusiastically.

The train arrived at Wilkinson station. I haven't seen my sister in years.. She will be 14 now Sam thought to himself.
He boarded the train and gazed out the window. He pictured a beautiful young woman, with long brown hair and bright green eyes. He looked at the photograph in his hand. A girl sat down next to him. "H-hi!" she said, trying to be polite.
"Hello." Sam said hiding the photograph.
"Was that a picture of your girlfriend?" she asked giggling, she was obviously being friendly.
"N-no!" Sam answered, "Its my sister, I am visiting her"
"Does she not live with you?" the girl asked.
"No.. she was kicked out when she was younger." Sam said.
"Why? What happened?" The girl asked.
"She.. killed my father.." Sam answered looking down.
"Sam.. Fisher?" she said.
"H-how.."
"I am Aimee" she said looking up.

The train stopped and they both got off together."Y-your Aimee, my sister, I.." Sam started. But he was interupted by a hug. Her breasts are so soft, Sam thought. Wait she is my sister. he added to his thought bubble while hugging back. I have been thinking of you none stop for three years, wondering if I should visit.
"You should have!" Sam said smiling. The sun began to set as they caught up on all the years they had waited to see eachother again.

"Its been so nice talking to you.. Brother." she said nervously, she bent down and kissed me on the lips. Not a sisterly kiss though. "w-what was that for?" Sam asked.
"It was for.. for..." Aimee giggled softly, her blonde hair blowing in the wind, the pink sky shining softly behind her. Then Sam realised, he was falling for her.




...To be continued


(Mod Edit: Changed rating to R.)

Interesting.

There are a few mistakes. Some places you forgot to put stuff in quotation marks. Other you just needed to hit enter. Other then that I thought it was well written. It's interesting.

Keep going.

I think that it is a very interesting story. But I think it moves a little fast for them to just automaticly fall for one another. Like maybe they could talk more on the train and so fourth. But also we have no idea what the broter looks like. An we know very little of wat the sister looks like.

This is just my opinion. I hope to read more of this story.

Welcome to YWS! I know you may not have bothered with the rules yet, but you should. First- you just posted but haven't reviewed yet! That's not good, so just read someone else's story and review it- quick, easy, and will up your rep a lot. It'll also help you get critiques!

First the nitpicks- then the good opinions, okay. Just hold on a sec' and you won't feel so offended, promise!

Many times you wrote "your" when it should be "you're". Fix that, it'll make it much better with only a tiny bit of effort! Next, all thougths should be in italics. I understand that when you post, italics dissapear, but now you can go back and edit them in, okay? Otherwise the narration becomes sloppy and unreadable.

There are a lot of grammatical and mechanical errors, too. Read it over carefully and slowly, adding what needs to be added.

Now- I like the tone, but it's far too rushed. Things happen too fast, and Aimee, if that's who she is, is incredibly and unrealistically forward. Tone it down, slow it down, fix the errors, and you'll have a real piece, although you might wanna make it longer- into a chapter.

Edit it and I'll be back later to critique again, hopefully with a more positive feel! And, again, welcome!

Yeah, I agree with the reviews above mine. This went too fast for them to so quickly fall for each other.

However, I think you have something here. It was interesting and if you stretched this out a bit and used more description, this would be a really great piece!

Hey there!

First of all, I was a little confused - I thought it was a little too quick. You didn't develop Sam's character at all. The only thing we know about him is that he's kind of into incest. He's talking to his mom about going, and suddenly he's there? And suddenly he's telling a stranger that his sister killed his father. And then that stranger is his sister, and she's also into incest! It was like the material of five chapters converged into one.

Besides that, your spacing was a little off. Whenever a new character starts dialogue, you should put space in between, like this:

Wrong:

"I don't know, You know she was always.. well she was difficult" she answered putting down the duster. "Anyway, if you want to go you pay for it yourself!" she added sighing. "Alright then!" he said enthusiastically.

Right:

"I don't know, You know she was always.. well she was difficult," she answered putting down the duster. "Anyway, if you want to go you pay for it yourself!" she added sighing.

"Alright then!" he said enthusiastically.

NOTE: All right, isntead of alright. all right isn't one word.

You seem to be missing commas in a few places, as well as the grammatical and spelling errors mentioned above. However, with some editing, I think you could do well with this piece. It's got a cheerful, engaging tone that encourages the reader to keep going despite the mistakes.

Cheerio!

~MademoiselleKool

..Continued Part...


Aimee giggled again as she took Sam's hand as she dragged him down the road, he kept tripping on the cobbled path. Aimee didn't seem to care as she started to sing, her voice so pure, so beautiful. Sam looked ahead at the setting sun and listened to her voice as they ran down this peaceful cobbled road towards Aimee's house.

"Right, we are here!" Aimee said opening the door and letting Sam in.
"Wow, looks cosy. Where are your carers?" Sam asked looking around the kitchen, The walls were painted brown and a beige color, it looked really homey.
"There not here.." answered Aimee looking to the ground. "I think I should help you unpack" Aimee said.
"Aimee, I didn't bring anything with me" Sam said.
"Oh, Silly boy" she said pushing him and then giggling, Sam just smiled. He had heard about Aimee's sudden mood changes. Sam's mother told him that before she lived here she had killed her own father because of a powerful curse put on her, Sam didn't believe it though, this was his younger sister.

"Well, you can sleep in one of my father's shirts for tonight!" Aimee said.
"Why do you call him dad? He isn't your real father.." Sam said.
"Yes but, he is a better father than my real father!" Aimee shouted and turned away, "Anyway lets make tea" she said smiling again. Sam stood still.
"hmm, Its okay. Make yourself comfortable" Aimee said cheerfully.
She is so cute, but I do not understand her AT ALL. thought Sam as he walked into the living room.
Aimee came in with Soup and some chicken sandwiches.
"I hope you like Chicken!" Aimee said biting into her chicken sandwich.
"Yes I do" lied Sam, he didn't like chicken much, he preferred beef but he didn't want to upset her.
Sam sat on the squishy green sofa. he looked at the weird pictures hanging on the wall, one looked like someone had hung themself. How awful, Sam thought as he finished his soup.
Aimee leaned over and put her hand on his leg, she smiled as she picked up his plate and took it into the kitchen.

"Would you like to stay with me for a few months? get away from city life!" Aimee asked thoughtfully.
"Sure, I'll ring my mother" Sam answered looking for a phone.
"No phone" Aimee said the smile disappeared from her face.
"Oh okay then, I'll just write a letter" Sam said, Aimee nodded as she walked over to Sam. "Stay with me" she whispered, "I am so so lonely" she added leaning over to his lips. "Scared?" she whispered.
Sam shot back like a bolt of lightening. Aimee laughed histerically, " I am not some kind of psycho you know, just because of my illness" she said strictly.
"I-illness?" Sam said.
"Yes!Enough about it!!!" Aimee snapped, she went upstairs to sort out Sam's room.
Sam followed her up, the stair wallpaper was black, and it covered up the landing to, the carpet was red. It looked dead creepy. Sam went up to his room, "Wow, blue walls, blue carpet, blue bedding, blue curtains" Sam liked blue, it is his favorite color.
"So what do you think, It was going to be your room before we found out you were staying at home!" Aimee said, she sat on the blue bed, Sam sat next to her. "You know.. I kinda think, well your cute!" Aimee said, patting Sam's head. Sam giggled "your cute too"


Sam flopped down on the bed, Aimee climbed on top of him, "teehee" she said smiling, evilly. she lifted her skirt up, "panties!" she said giggling, "AHH YOU PERV!!" shouted Aimee.
Sam rolled away. They both laughed, Sam was still a little nervous but he was calming down as he realised how much fun his little sister was.

"You know.. I actually do like you" Aimee said blushing.
"S-serious?" Sam asked to confirm.
"Duhh!" Aimee said leaning over, she playfully pushed him over.
Sam fell back onto the bed, She grabbed his tie and put it in her mouth, she was trying to look cute.
It works! thought Sam and looked up at his cute playful, sexy younger sister.


...To be continued

I think that your character development needs a ton of work. And it DOES all go way too fast. Drag it out a little, make it interesting. Add some scandal, some spice! Oh, and some spacing would be great.

Keep writing.

Use article and preposition on first paragraph, third line (my corrections are in bold):

at the Aimee's house.

Okay, second paragraph, the first line you are using two -ing verbs. Use one almost, I think so. For example:


"Right, we are here!" Aimee said while opened to Sam.
OR

"Right, we are here!" Sam went in as soon as the door was open for he.


I think so, ok? No take me very serious. ji just gave you a grammar correction .
And, KJ is rigth, add some scandal or drama.
In adittion, I want to know Aimee's feelings. For instance, what thoughts or feelings was feeling she as soon she heard he.

^Thanks for the grammar corrections!!!

Rika - You would be better off posting your continuations in separate threads or in the same post, not as different posts in the same thread.

As for the story, it falls flat on its face. There's so much you can write about on the subject of an incestuous relationship, but the story reads like a bad piece of teen fiction. Not only is the grammar hideous, the story is all show and no tell. This happened. And then this happened. And there was this stuff. *shakes head*

I think you're starting out great. But, honestly, what you have here is only a start. You should probably rewrite it. The best way to get a good story going is to write it out, that way you have what's going to happen in the story down and under control, then you erase it and rewrite it in a smoother fashion. Just keep critiquing it until you've
A: Got the story down pat.
B: Got your words running smoothly.
and C: Have your characters ready for their 'performance'

Another tip; Reread your work over and over before messing with it. That helps.

^.^ Other than that I think you're off to a good start. Keep working on it, and don't get discouraged. I love the story line and you're doing great.

Hi,
I like your story. I want to find out more about it. I found it kind of weird how Sam just openly told the person sitting next to him that his sister killed her dad. I know it was his sister but you would think that he would not be so open about it.

I think that it is moving too quickly. It also seems a bit weird that they are related and they are falling for each other.

Remember to put in your punctuation. I noticed some places where you did not put in your " ". Don't forget about them. They will get lonely

I think it is really good, but your characters need a little work and try to slow things down. It moves way too quickly. Try to explain more also. Like in between your dialogue you could add in things.

Keep Writing.

Love,
N

Yes, repeating here, but the story is moving too quickly. Slow down and let us know just what it is that Sam likes about his sister. Is it because she is sexy? Is that the only reason? How old is Sam anyway? Why is Aimee so forward?

A lot of these questions have already been asked and there is a lot of great advice in people's critiques. Take your time with this story.

Seriously, Sam is okay with his sister being incestuous? He's not getting it through his head that this is maybe wrong?

One last question: Aimee mentions that Sam's room was supposed to be his before she found out he was staying at home. What does that mean? What is the story behind this? How old was Aimee when she left home after killing their father. Under what circumstances? What was the cause of the mini biography at the top of the page?

A lot of questions go unanswered. Slow down and take your time.

Good luck with your writing.

~GryphonFledgling

Okay, first, you need to post your second piece in a seperate page so people know you have two parts here.

Now, I only found one thing and that was this:

She is so cute, but I do not understand her AT ALL.

This is a thought and should be in italics.

Other than that, you have a super intersting story.

Insane sister and laid-back brother fall in love and sister kills father.

That's crazy! but cool in a wierd sort of way!

You totally need to develop your MC more though. We know more about the sister then the brother!

Also, you still need to slow things down. This goes too fast and makes the reader loose interest.

Good Luck!