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All in the Families



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Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:12 am
Kick_the_sky504 says...



((My keyboard has a sticky H key so a few H's may be missing that spell check dosen't pick up.))

------------Chapter 1---------------

Waking in a mound of sheets and blankets Danni let out a sigh. Removing the blankets her ice blue eyes looked furiously at the alarm clock as it let out its annoying ring. Hammering her fist down on the snooze button she pulled the blankets back over her head. Five minutes later it began to ring again. Angrily she threw off the covers and pulled the alarm clock out of the wall. Retreating back under blankets she slowly fell back to sleep.

No sooner that she fell back to sleep a deep voice called up the stairwell to her,” Danni! Get up or you’ll be late!” After a few seconds with no reply, the man called out to her again. ”Danni Alexis Demoore get your ass up and ready school before I come up there and pull you out of bed!”, yelled the man as he awaited a reply from his daughter.

“Yeah dad I’m up.” She called down to him as she stumbled to sit up in bed. Falling out of the bed she let out a sigh. It didn’t hurt her to fall out of the bed, considering it only stood six inches off the ground. Running a hand through her shoulder length chocolate brown hair she looked around her room. It wasn’t small but it wasn’t what you would call big either. Her bed sat in the top left corner of her room beside the window, and across from her bathroom. The only other pieces of furniture she had was a floor to ceiling book shelf and a messy computer desk with a laptop and sprawled out papers on it. No television, no radio, and no dresser. She kept it simple and she liked it that way.

Looking up at her ceiling she smiled warmly at it. It wasn’t what you would call a normal ceiling, but she liked it. There where photos plastered all over it. They consisted of family gatherings, sports, birthdays, and almost anything else you could think of. But what made it even more special to her was that she had taken and developed each and every picture. Taking her eyes away from her ceiling she stood up and walked across the room to the bathroom.

She opened the door to the bathroom through a small hallway. Stopping in front of the mirror above the sink she took in her appearance. She wasn’t tall but she wasn’t considered short either. She stood about 5’5 with a slender well toned figure, with her skin a golden tan from all the swimming she did in the summer. Her eyes had shadows beginning to show under her eyes from the late night study sessions her father made her do. She had a test today and her father would do anything in order for her to beat Troy in the test.

Walking into the next room she left the lights off, then quickly undressed and took a shower. Troy was a boy that lived in a house down the street from her. Her father and his went to high school together and they where rivals in everything, that is how they plan for their kids to be as well. They both where forbidden to see one another or speak to each other. An Danni always did what she was told to do.

Climbing out of the shower she wrung out her hair and put it up in a messy bun. Wrapping a towel around herself she picked up her things on the floor an dropped them down the laundry chute. Walking back into the hallway she stopped at the door on the left and opened it. The door went into a walk in closet. Looking around her closet she decided to wear a pair of low rise jeans and a white spaghetti strap tank-top.

Getting changed she dropped her towel down the shoot as well and went back to the mirror in the hall. Under the mirror was a counter along with the sink and all her toiletries. Letting her hair fall out of the bun she ran her hand through it and then dried it. After she had finished drying and straitening her hair she added some eye-liner and some light green eye shadow. To finish off the look added some light pink lip gloss.

Walking back into her room she picked up her tan messenger bag and stuffed all the papers strewn on her desk into it. Throwing it over her shoulder, she ran down the steps from the attic room she lived in. Reaching the second floor she made a run for the stairs before either her brother or her sister stopped her to ask her something. Almost flying down the second flight of steps she was stopped in her tracks by her father’s booming voice calling her before she could grab her keys and make a run for the door. “Danni you need to eat something or your not going to do well during your test.”, he called to her from the dining room on her right where he sat with the newspaper open to his face and coffee in the other hand. Her brother, and sister sat across from him eating bowls of cereal.

Letting out a sigh, she walked to the kitchen and made herself a bowl of cereal. Walking back into the dining room she sat down next to her sister. Danni looked over at her sister as she took her first bite. Danni and Erin looked almost nothing a like except the fact they both shared their mother’s blue eyes. Where Danni had a slender shape Erin, had curves. Danni had dark brown hair; Erin had natural strawberry blonde hair. Then where Erin had bras to hide some of her C cup, Danni’s friends talked her into buying one of those miracle bras to make her A’s look a little bigger. An one of the big things was that Danni had golden tan skin, where Erin had a porcelain appearance.

Finishing her breakfast she stood and walked toward the kitchen. “Danni will give me a lift to school?” called Erin standing. The other bad thing was that Erin was only a year younger than Danni and had a lot of the same classes. Normally it wouldn’t be so bad to have your sibling in your class but, Erin was the classic prep stereotype. It didn’t matter if you where family. Danni was not immune to her gossip or tricks. That was the number one reason Danni didn’t talk to many guys, every time she showed interest in a guy Erin went straight for him.

Danni let out a sigh and gave a nod walking to the sink in the kitchen. “Be ready to leave in two, or be ready to walk.” said Danni walking back out and grabbing her bag. For the first time her father lowered the paper to look at her. “Danni you should be nicer to your sister.” he said in an affectionate tone. He had always favored Erin due to the fact she looked just like their mother. Both Danni and her twelve year old brother Jason looked almost exactly like their father. Danni had their mother’s eyes, and Jason had their mother’s nose and mouth but he had the same green bright eyes, and dark brown hair that their father had.

Danni’s father Samuel was in his mid-forties and his face had wrinkled and his eyes had lost their luster with the coming of age. But his body was well muscled and athletic. He didn’t have a huge balding spot on his head, but his hair line had just recently started receding back. Danni let out a groan as she grabbed her keys and walked out the front door.

Walking out to the drive way Danni it the un-lock button on her keys and, the lights on a yellow 00’ Jeep Wrangler lit up. It was in good shape and Danni kept it that way. She loved to just sit in her jeep and listen to music and relax. Opening the door she threw her bag in the back then climbed in.

Reaching in the back she found her denim jean jacket and pulled it on. About five minutes later her sister Erin walked out and climbed in the car. Not saying anything Danni buckled up and pulled out of the drive way and drove down the street toward the school.

“Erin you’ll have to find another ride home this afternoun. I have a swim practice then straight to work.” said Danni as she parked the Jeep in a spot. Erin looked frustrated but, knowing there was nothing she could do she nodded and climbed out of the Jeep. That was another thing Erin did; she refused to get a car and made Danni drive her everywhere because Danni never let anyone drive her Jeep. Sitting back for a few minutes Danni watched her sister run over to her group of close nit friends. As soon as Erin made it over there the whole group burst into whispers, and giggles of daily gossip. Danni laughed a bit at how small their world was, Erin was over due on a reality check.

Climbing out of her Jeep Danni slung her bag over her shoulder as she made her way to the school doors. This was going to be a normal average day. Wasn’t it?


----------------Chapter 2----------------

Hearing a soft knocking on his door Tory’s head emerged from under his pillow. “Yeah Parker, what is it?” Asked Troy knowing it was his younger sister. What he didn’t understand was, why would she be waking him up so early on a Sunday morning? “Troy it’s nine o’clock and you have to get up and go to school.”, said Parker cracking open the door.

As soon as he heard his sister he jumped from his bed and ran over to his desk and stuffed all the sprawled out papers into his backpack. He then dropped that on his bed and ran towards the door.
Due to the fact that his room was in the basement and he only had a small window to get light, his room was very dark. Tripping over his Xbox, he fell on his face. Cursing under his breath, he stood up and walked over to the bathroom door.

Flipping the switch, light flooded the dark red walls of his room. You could tell why he couldn't see so well in the dark. The mixture of no lights, small close to the ground window, and his dark walls you would think a cat couldn’t see in those conditions. But Troy liked the dark so he kept it that way. Running into the bathroom, he took a quick shower.

Climbing out he wrapped a towel around his waist he walked over to the mirror. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Troy let out a small sigh. He looked a mess from all the swimming and studying. His hair was naturally a dark ebony and straight, falling about his vibrant green eyes. No matter how much time he spent in the sun, his skin was always fair, and he stood about 5'10. Taking another towel he dried his hair, not bothering to brush it knowing it was just going to fall back into his eyes.

Walking back into his room he made his way over to his closet. His room was pretty average, well except for his bed and his choice of wall color. His bed was a passed down water bed from his father. Yes the bed was amazingly old, but Troy liked the feel of the water moving under him when he slept. And well the wall color was kind of easy to see why it was a bit different. Not too many people in Ashville painted thier room dark red. But everything else was pretty normal, posters of his favorite bands across the red walls, a shelf with a small TV sitting on with games and controllers sitting next to it. Then add a messy computer desk and a bookshelf and that was his room. Well add books, papers, games, and clothes thrown across the floor then you’ve got his room.

Opening the closet he pulled out a Led Zeppelin t-shirt that fit nicely to his soccer player build, a studded belt, and a pair of jeans that where really his size unlike most guys these days. After he finished getting dressed he walked over and grabbed a necklace off the post of his bed. It was a adjustable strings necklace with what looked like an old coin on the end. Slipping on the necklace he walked over and grabbed his bag an pulled it over his shoulders.

Walking up the stairs he noticed was the only one home. Their father must have given Parker a ride. Grabbing his keys he walked out the front door and over to his Honda Civic SI two door. Climbing into the little black car he started it up and put it in gear. Pulling around their circle drive way, Troy pulled up to the road and headed towards the school.

Troy couldn’t help but feel grateful that he slept in. One half a day without his father or siblings asking him to do something. Troy didn’t like to spend time with his family. His perfect obedient family. Everyone always did what his father said without question. He viewed it in a different way. He always questioned what is father told him. But really how smart can a man be? A man that is stupid enough to hold a grudge that started in high school and then force it on his family.

Troy always thought for himself. He always figured things out himself instead of listening to other people’s suggestions. Yes he was hard headed and stubborn, but he had always been like that and he saw no reason to change, at least for the moment.

Pulling into the high school parking lot he let out a sigh. Due to the fact that he was about two hours late all the good parking spots had been taken. Taking the closest parking spot he could he parked the car and ran up to the school.

The school wasn’t too much to look at. It wasn’t new but it wasn’t insanely old. Medium sized it had two other buildings that branched out from it. No metal was visible except for what was around the windows, and the chain link fence. But the one thing that was worth a look was the front courtyard. It had three oak trees to shade some areas, and bushes lined the first floor of the main building. Normally when Troy arrived with time to spare in the morning he would take refuge under the shade of one of the oaks.

Walking into the main building Troy found his way to the office to sign in late. After signing in he headed to his locker on the first floor. As he reached his locker he opened it without even looking at the lock. He had, had the same locker with the same combination for the past three years. It had become second nature to him to open his locker. Opening the door he stuffed two notebooks into his locker then pulled out a red notebook and his science textbook and shoved them into is bag.

Shutting his locker he proceed down the hallway closest to him toward his second period class. As soon as his hand rested on the door knob to his class. The door shot open and the bell for switching classes rang. People began to flood into the hallways and make their ways to their next class. Kicking at the ground he muttered under his breath and made his to the second floor for his biology class.

“Great I don’t even have time to think before I take that test.”, he said angrily as he opened the door to the biology class. Looking around he noticed not many people had come to class. Most of them probably skipped, he thought to himself enviously. He wished he could ditch this class but, he had already missed two classes. Missing anymore classes would make his dad even more furious with him.

Taking a seat towards the back near the window, Troy sat down his things and leaned up against his desk. Crossing his arms across his chest he gazed around the class to get a closer look at who was there. Two giggling girls in the front of the class as they whispered about the days gossip. Cheerleaders, guessed Troy as he moved on to observe the other people. There where a few nerdy animated guys sitting in the corner at the back of the class as they argued which video games where made better, and which ones sucked. Don’t they have anything better to talk about?, is all that ran through his mind. The only other person in the room was Danni Demoore. The one person he was always taught to detest an yet, there was something about her that appealed to him. An no it wasn’t just because his dad didn’t like her though, it was a nice plus. No it wasn’t that maybe, it was the fact that they both liked to watch from the outside in. The act of watching other people have human contact instead of having human contact themselves.

That was pretty much how Troy was around people. He either watched or, lost his temper and started arguing. Tough he had a sneaking suspicion that Danni didn’t argue. She probably just did whatever she was told or, took whatever came her way without any struggle.

Hearing the door open Troy’s eyes peeled away from Danni and landed on the teacher. He stood about six foot tall an had a good size beer belly. His hair looked like a black topped mountain that had just had it’s first snow fall. Letting the door close behind him as he moved towards his desk. Reaching the desk his middle and index finger moved to his nose to push his square spectacles back up the bridge of his nose to his lifeless grey eyes.

Sitting his briefcase on his desk he let out a sigh as he looked around at his lively and talkative students. “Okay class quiet down and find your seats.”, he said turning around to the black board not bothering to make sure they listened. Picking up a piece of chalk he began to write the days notes. Not that many people paid too much attention to them.

The girls and the nerds found their seats but their meaningless conversations kept going. Troy sat down and lazily copied the notes. This was always the way the teacher did it before a test. He would give notes then pass out the test. Most teachers taught after the test but, then other teachers did try and make sure that their students did what they were told to do.

After a few minutes of his rambling about something new he told everyone to put their things away and prepare for the test. An here we go, thought Troy as he received his test.



-----------Chapter 3-------------
((This one is currently being written))
Last edited by Kick_the_sky504 on Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:09 pm, edited 7 times in total.
  





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370 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 370
Mon Mar 24, 2008 11:30 am
Aedomir says...



Hi!

Let's see...

Waking in a mound of sheets and blankets Danni let out a sigh. Removing the blanket


So a mound of one blanket? The first sentence leads me to believing there are many, and then he takes the blanket off?

alarm clock as it released it’s annoying ring.


1) Take off the apostrophe.
2) Does an alarm clock release sound?

Angrily she through off


'threw' not 'through'.

fell back asleep.


'to sleep', 'asleep' doesn't fit in here.

.............

I couldn't read anymore. Why? Because the first paragraph didn't really catch my attetnion. It jsut felt a bit repetitive and full of choppy sentences. The first paragraph - line, even, needs to grab my attention. Alarm clocks going off, stirring, then getting up is hardly that. Sorry for the harshness, but I would recommend you got down a nice introductory paragraph, and worked on spelling etc.

Post more, and I will read! We can all improve. :wink:

Keep writing!

~Mark~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 12:41 pm
Crispy says...



a gr8 story, keepup the good work..
Chris Pegg!!
  





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Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:09 pm
Kick_the_sky504 says...



Thanks. I will go back and fix the problems.
  





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107 Reviews



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Mon Mar 24, 2008 9:10 pm
day tripper says...



Okay so I see about 8 things here to fix(:
But I'm about to run out the door for lacrosse practice so I'll get back to that later.
I really enjoyed your details and explanation.
It looks to me as it will be good!
Just, there's a few mistakes I will fix when I get back at 7.
Peace!
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:00 am
JackBauerHasABaldSpot says...



I noticed that your first paragraph's first three sentences start out the exact same way: Waking up...Removing...

You're doing the "Sitting up, he was whatever" sentences that I see often in these stories. Already it doesn't bring good expectations to the reader. Fix the intro, definitely. However, I will give you credit: this wasn't that bad. I enjoyed your description of the character: it was a step-up from the usual info-dumping, but not a very high one, I'll admit. Still, not bad.
"...some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright."
-The Shawshank Redemption
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:20 am
day tripper says...



I'M BACK.
dundundun(:

Nah, don't be worried, I'm not some hardcore um.. female dog.. that
critisizes EVERYTHING.

I'm just here to help!(:

Aight aight, yo, here:

The first:
"Pulling the blankets back over her head she slowly fell back to sleep."
Since in the previous or else the sentance before the previous sentence,
you already used "Pulling the blankets" you should change it to something
like returning the covers over her tired face, or returning to the covers or something.

The Second:
"No reply came back to the man and he called out again. Don't ask why but this sentence bothers me for some reason. I think that instead of "No reply came back to the man..." You should say "After no reply, the man called out again" or something.

The Thrid:
"“Yeah dad I’m up.” , she called down to him..."
You don't need that coma, just get rid of it and upercase the "s".

The Fourth:
"As she opened the door to the bathroom through a small hallway"
You don't need that as for your not explained anything that's going to happen. Just make it sound right by saying "She opened the dorr to the bathroom through a small hallway".

The Fifth:
"Walking into the next room she left the lights off and quickly undressed and took a shower." This sounds like a run-on. Maybe use a ,then inbetween?

The Sixth:
"Throwing it over her shoulder she ran down the steps from the attic room she lived in." There should be a coma after "...shoulder..."

The Seventh:
"Letting out a sigh se walked to the kicthen and made herself a bowel of cereal." This is another common mistake you keep making, there should be a coma after "...sigh...". After every action you should try putting a coma.

And that's all I found so far.
It all sounds really really really REALLY good.
Keep writing! I'm enjoying it!(:

peace
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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107 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2384
Reviews: 107
Tue Mar 25, 2008 8:27 pm
day tripper says...



Holaa chickaa.
Got yer message and I'm here to help again.
I'm not a critisizing Nazi, but I did noticed like
a lot of grammer and sentence usage mistakes
in this, so don't be all
DUDE SHE IS A CRITISIZING NATZI becauseeee
I'm not, aha.
I'm really hyper, beeteeeeddubbbaayooo(btw),
and I'm on the phone so um, yeah.

Okay, first:
"Yeah Parker what is it?”, asked Troy..."
Place a coma after Parker, and take that coma out after the "!
You don't need those unless you are continuing a sentence.
For instance, if you did: "Yeah Parker," asked Troy, "What is it?"
That would be fine. As long as you have the coma before the quote.

Second:
What he didn’t understand was, why was she waking him up so early on a Sunday morning?

Take out the why was and put "why would she be". It sounds much better.

Third:
Then dropping that on his bed and ran towards the door.
You could do two things here. One, you could do:
"He then dropped that on his bed and ran towards the door."
or
"Then, dropping that on is bed, he ran towards the door."

Fourth:
Tripping over his Xbox he fell on his face. Cursing under his breath he stood up and walked over to the bathroom door.

You need a coma after Xbox and breath.

Fifth:
Flipping on the lights, light flooded through his room reveling is dark red walls you could tell why he couldn’t see.

Woww, lots of things here, aha.
Okay, here's how this should be because instead of pointing out every little thing, I'll give it to you all in one:
"Flipping the switch, light flooded the dark red walls of his room. You could tell why he couldn't see so well in the dark."

Sixth:
The mixture of no lights, small close to the ground window, and is dark walls you would think a cat couldn’t see in those conditions. But Troy liked the dark so he kept it that way. Running into the bathroom he took a quick shower.

This is how this should be:
"With the mixture of dark lighting, a small window close to the ground, and deep red walls, you would tink a cat couldn't even see in those conditions."
And you need a coma after bathroom.

Seventh:
"Looking at his reflection in the mirror and let out a sigh."
This should be:
"Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Troy let out a small sigh."

Eighth:
" Is hair was naturally jet black and straight, it came down to about his vibrant green eyes. He ad fair skin no matter how much he stayed out in the sun. He stood about 5’10"
This all should be:
"His hair was naturally a dark ebony and straight, falling about his vibrant green eyes. No matter how much time he spent in the sun, his skin was always fair, and he stoof about 5'10".

Ninth:
" An the wall color was kind of easy to see why it was different."
This sentence doesn't make sense? I'm not fallowing it.
"well except up until his bed and his choice of wall color."
Take out the 'up until' and replace it with 'for'.

Tenth:
"Not too many people painted their room dark red"
A lot of people have dark red walls. To make this sound better,
you should say: "Not too many people in (name of town) painted thier room dark red."

Eleventh:
I don't get this sentence:
"a self with a small TV. sitting on with games and controllers sat next to it."

Twelveth:
"fit Led Zeppelin t-shirt that fit nicely"
You used "fit" twice in the same sentence, choose one or the other.

I am going to continue reading, but I will not fix anymore.
Instead, how about you send me the next chapters, and I'll
revise it for you since you seem to be making quite a few
mistakes(:

But I truely do love the story line and I love the details and descriptions.
Just push away the grammer and you have a nicely fitted story.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 8:50 pm
Kick_the_sky504 says...



Thanks for looking it over again. :D I wil try and fix the mistakes. An i will defently send you the chapters.
  





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Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:47 pm
day tripper says...



Aight!(:
If you'd rather email me,
my email is Olivia1051@yahoo.com
all my other info is on my profile.
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.
  





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7 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 7
Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:53 pm
Kick_the_sky504 says...



Okay thanks
  





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Wed Mar 26, 2008 12:36 am
Writer27 says...



Alrighty, it was pretty good. I like the descriptive details. My only critism, besides the ones already stated is, the fact that you spelled bowl like bowel. Bowel is a part of your body and I definately wouldn't want to eat out of that. Lol. Other than the few grammatical errors, it was an overall very good start to a promising story!!
"life is life, so live it."
  





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Wed Mar 26, 2008 11:32 pm
Kick_the_sky504 says...



Thanks. I will hopefully get these mistakes fixed and put up the new chapter.
  





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Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:38 am
Izzyeyore says...



"laundry shoot" -- chute

"bowel of cereal" -- bowl

"life to school" -- lift

"his face ad wrinkled" -- had

"hairline...reseeding" -- receding

"after noun" -- afternoon

"tat was another thing" -- that

"Is hair" -- his

"is father" -- his

"walked over...an pulled" -- and

"an than forced it one" -- and then force it on

"door sot open" -- shot

"is hair" -- his

"is square" -- his

"lazly" -- lazily

Those were the ones that I remembered after reading it; the idea for the story is great, and only minor grammatical errors are keeping you from doing a better job :D keep it up, but watch your apostrophes, commas, etc.
My policy on life: you're wasting it by being sad and making others sad, so hug someone today! :D
  








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