Young Writers Society

*bows* Thanks for reading. It's been fun.

^_^ Keek out!

Slung over a man’s shoulder, your perspective changes. As I bounced along on my captor’s shoulder, my brain stopped being able to grasp reality—which had strayed from the realm of ‘real life’ right on into the realm of ‘only happens in movies’. And, like any good movie character, I somehow managed to focus my attention of the oddest of details, probably because I couldn’t accept the more important ones.

Great opening paragraph! Really, extremely funny! Have you ever considered going into stand-up comedy?

For example, after I finally opened my eyes, the first thing I noticed was his butt. I had always laughed at my friends who brought me pictures of their favorite celebrities in swimsuits, telling me how nice their behinds were. But positioned as I was, I had to face it: this man had a very nice looking butt. This thought freaked me out on a number of levels, the first one being that I had no idea how a butt could even be attractive. Right away, I began to think about my own butt, which at that moment was right in my captor’s view, since he had me by the waist.

Please stop with the funny or you'll give me a heart attack from laughing so much!

I watched the world go by, noticing that my captor knew this city very well. He went through yards without hesitation, as if he already knew which gates were locked and which weren’t.

It seems to suprise her that he knows the ctiy well. Why should it? I ould assume that he does.

to the fact y feet were bare and I was wearing only my cookie pajamas. I thanked God that it was a pant and long sleeve combination. A month earlier, when the summer was ending, and I might have been in shorts and a tank top.

my. pants

I closed my eyes and banished the mental image from forming. Instead, I tried to figure out where we were. None of the street names were familiar to me, but I committed one intersection to memory and told myself I’d try and find it on a map when I escaped—if I escaped.

She seems quite calm she's already planning her escape. If I'd just been kidnapped, I reckon I'd be going crazy.

A good minute later, the door opened and I cringed, shrinking into myself in hopes of disappearing—preferably before these people made me disappear in a more permanent manner.

Really, you should consider stand-up. Where do you come up with all these funny lines?

He had the same lone nose

long

My eyes followed hi,

him

Feedback questions
1) How old would you say the MC is?
Maybe... a teenager, definetely. Still lives with er parents, so I'd say... 14-16

2) For people who read the first part, does she seem to have changed? For better, for worse?
She seems calmer, which I don't think it right.

3) What's your opinion on plot/characters/description?
I'm intriuged by the plot, the characters are starting to become cool and your description are pretty neat.

4) Can you detect any hints of future romance, or are you all wondering what this is doing in this forum?
Yeah, I think they've started to come. The patt on the head, the not killing... I just hope they don't come and you're tricking everybody by having it in this forum. I hate romance.

you had me dying laughing, especially with the thinking about butts thing seriously that was awesome

Feedback questions
1) How old would you say the MC is?
15-16, obviously young but still a little mature

2) For people who read the first part, does she seem to have changed? For better, for worse?
She seems to have sunk into shock, but I love it.

3) What's your opinion on plot/characters/description?
I can't wait to see where the plot is going! Characters are wonderful, the patting on the head thing really threw me off guard. Description is very realistic i think, good job!

4) Can you detect any hints of future romance, or are you all wondering what this is doing in this forum?
I detected romance as soon as he said he'd take her in the first chapter but yes i do in this one too, especially when he says he'd like to keep her.

PLEASE PM me for the next chapter! I really like this story!

lol! XD The funny thing about the humor, is that it's entirely ad-libbed. I was typing up the original and decided I didn't like the way it went (girl had to walk in that one), so I had to figure out how to move through the whole being carried bit and the butt thing just came to me. I mean, let's face it. Once you are beyond panicking, you'd notice the person's butt too, right? =P

So sorry chocoholic, this story is sadly going to end up moving into the dramatic romance eventually, though since everyone seems to like the humor, I might add some in. Which would be good, seeing as I find my MC's original personality to be kind of dull. =P Maybe I will write a 'non-romance' ending just for you, so you don't feel cheated out of an ending. *muses about how to end the story without romance* Hmmms.

lol, and yes, catprowl, the patting is very random. There's actually a good reason, though I never managed to get the story into the plot. >_> I will try, since his often odd behavior needs some explanation. XD

Actually, I am going to try and redo both of their personalities as I type it up. =P If I'm lucky, it will work. *goes off to muse about their new personalities in her progress journal*

Thanks for reading guys!

^_^ Keek!

Warning: The following may be a little harsh, but there are compliments nestled in there.

The numbers following the highlighted text correspond with the numbered comments. The answers to your questions are before the numbered comments, and my overall comment is after the numbered ones.

Pages one through four go down the first column, five through seven in the second.






EDIT: I just looked at your age, so the book won't be bad for you. It's a bunch of stuff she wants to do before she dies, and it has drugs and losing her virginity in it, so kids my age shouldn't really read it.

Hope this review helped! (I wish I could have gotten more than 50 points, though. This is wicked long, took an hour, and it is now midnight. Urgh, the few annoying parts of YWS.)

~JFW1415

1) How old would you say the MC is?

17- 18

2) For people who read the first part, does she seem to have changed? For better, for worse?

For the better she is thinking cleary not irrationally ( most of the time)


3) What's your opinion on plot/characters/description?

Very detailed and easily pictured.

4) Can you detect any hints of future romance, or are you all wondering what this is doing in this forum?

Nah I can detect romance :


First in pinking her up
Second pat on head
Third i want to keep her

It's kind of wierd at the end how he says he wants to keep her as if she was a stray puppy he found on the street and brought it home to ask mom and dad if he could keep it. Other then that, however, I liked it.
Her age thing is still kind of not clear but I'm guessing 16 or 15 maybe?
She is still completely freaked out by her kidnapper and his uncle. I think you need to give her more time to develop.
Umm, I can definitely see a relationship forming between this kidnapper and his victim. In a really wierd and frightening way, she finds him extremely attractive. And on his part, he is curious with this girl he just stole from her home.
Overall, I think you have some potential with this. PM me if you choose to continue it.

Thanks everybody! XD No time (o.O Soo....tired....) to respond to each and every critique, but I've read them and I apreciate all your advice and feedback. ^_^ It's very helpful to me. So much so I am sorely tempted to redo these first two chapters right away. *resists*

And yes ashleylee! It is as if she was a stray puppy. XD You got it exactly. He had a rather interesting childhood.

I am debating wether or not to write the uncle's 'journal' as a means of explaining the nephews odd behavior. It feels like cheating. =P

Thanks again everyone! I will be continuing to post this, though I can't promise quality as the reason I'm posting the original (with some ad0libbing) is that it is pretty bad. >.<

^_^ Keek!

That was an awesome story!

Wow.....

This is amazing! If you could PM me when you post the next chapter, I would love you forever!

seriously, though, this is definitely publishable stuff...

Nice and long, like I like them!

HEY!!!! Not fair!!! You can't stop!!!!

Ok, so I need to act a little more mature................NO FAIR!!!!!!!

*Cough*

Alright, so you MUST keep going. There were only a few mistakes, like leaving a 'm' out of him, and stuff like that. Nothing serious that I caught.

Now, this is an order. KEEP GOING!!!!

lol. Aww. I need to remind myself that motivation is only as far away as YWS. *hugs!* I am, of course, working on this story. Though maybe some people will be annoyed with the new plot idea. However, I guess I could (for the sake of procrastination and those who like it) continue to type of the original and post it.

Anywho, won't be much happening this week. So much work. o.O

*cries*

You must keep going though. Durn work scheadule. Oh well, if you must, but after that I suggest you work double time or I will come after you with my pen!!!! I will draw.....barbwire fence all over you.


Ok, so that sounded weird but that is the only thing I can draw on people and it look good. Still, please please please please keep going as soon as possible.

This whole story is too good.
Some people who said
"But why isn't she freaking out?!"
Well, the way I look at it is that,
maybe she's just different.
Doesn't everyone have their own
views?
I mean, the main character practically
has a crush on this man, so why would
she be so scared if she's so into him?


I really liked it,
I'm excited for C3!(: