Young Writers Society

**Since I was amazed at the reaction for my other short piece, here's another. Warning: This piece was written in roughly ten minutes with minimal re-reading. Side effects may include nausea, vertigo, and a strong urge to edit**


They ran, lungs filled to bursting as they took in deep joyful breaths of the sweet-smelling air in the valley. Pushing themselves as hard as they could, sweat pouring off of their bodies, their muscles strained to reach the ever-elusice goal: victory

“I win!” She laughed, overjoyed, and turned to meet him; a half-step behind he ran into her and thus together they fell into the sweet-smelling grass of their valley.

In this position they stayed, the late-afternoon sun slowly sinking behind the surrounding hills, the sweat drying slowly on their bodies, later to be replaced with dew.

She was lying on her stomach next to him, tracing whorls around a flower when suddenly he shifted. Lying over her, he hugged her tightly;

“I love you.”

His eyes liquid pools of color, hers softened in return as she melted into him and they both faded away together. The final brilliant rays of the now setting sun disappeared behind the craggy hills around the blurring duo, their protective bowl fading to darkness along with them.

“I love you too." The final whisper faded away, swirling on the last breeze before nightfall.

Mwahahahaha, I get to reply first.


This was a really good peace. But on the line.


"I love you,"

The comma needs to be a period. There are two of them, that you need to change to that.


Other then that it was fine that I could see, good job!!!!

Hello Izzyeyore!

Well, I have to say, I'm a sucker for any love story. This was a phenomenal piece beyond it's few words. I enjoyed the showing rather then telling us what they did. I would definitely love to read more of your work!

(:

it was short, but amazing- really.

i liked how you said so much in the paragraph right after he tells her he loves her. your descriptions are nicely detailed. i like the imagery.

-Kiki

thanks so much for the comments!

I'm trying to think of another idea for something like this, but nothing comes to mind :'( I won't force it though lol

I loved this. It send little waves of happiness through my body since it reminded me of my boyfriend and me. Good work. The only problem is when you said "...tracing whorls around a flower when suddenly he shifted" did you mean whirls instead of whorls? Otherwise this was amazing,

Short, I loved it though.I hope to read more from you.

Very descriptive and I loved the words you used to describe everything. I would love for you to make this longer but I think it's good if you keep it short. It keeps the happiness about it stronger than if you lengthened it. Nice Job!

I liked this a lot. It is very short but sweet and that works.

It makes me think of a persons life and how there are so many tiny little scenes that we remember and that mean something to us. What you just wrote is one of those small scenes that make a persons life richer.

Good luck and keep writing.

Short and poignant. Very good.

His eyes liquid pools of color, hers softened in return as she melted into him and they both faded away together as the final brilliant rays of the now setting sun disappeared behind the craggy hills around them, their protective bowl fading to darkness along with them.

This is all one gigantic sentence, and doesn't read very well. I'd recommend breaking it up a bit into different sentences.

Other than a few things that could be found and changed with a little proof-read, it was perfect. I loved the imagery--I saw pictures instead of seeing word after word. I won't worry about scanning through and through for typos and such--after all, you DID write this in ten minutes, no?

They ran, lungs filled to bursting as they took in deep joyful breaths of the sweet-smelling air in the valley. Pushing themselves as hard as they could, sweat pouring off of their bodies, muscles straining to reach the ever-elusive goal, victory.

Wow. The first sentence is a mouthful. I would suggest changing it to somthing a little more reader friendly. Sorry, I have no idea how you would go about doing that, it's your story.

The second sentence is wrong though. The way you start it out makes it seem like somethings going to come from pushing themselves as hard as they could, but by the end of the sentence, nothing. You could say, "They pushed themselves as hard as they could..." or "Pushing themselves as hard as they could, sweat pouring off of their bodies, their muscles strained to reach the ever-elusice goal: victory." Something like that just to make the sentence a little more, er...complete.

Other than that, it was short, sweet, and to the point. It would probably do better as part of a longer peice, but makes for a great bored writer wants to do something. ;P

Keep up the good work!
-JC