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Young Writers Society


El Camino A Casa



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Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:41 pm
abbie20 says...



En el camino hacia la casa solo habia soledad, mi corazon estaba roto.
No encontraba una sola razon para seguir viviendo, no tenia ni una sola ilusion. La vida parecia querer herirme, no entendia las cosas que me ocurrian. El dia estaba soleado y hermoso, no habia ni una sola nube pero mi alma estaba llena de dolor y te miedo, un terrible miedo a la soledad. Caminaba y veia a las personas con sus parejas, con sus hijos y parecian felices mas yo estaba triste, habia perdido a mi madre hacia unos meses y sentia que el mundo se me caia encima.

La luz de el sol me daba en mi pelo haciendolo lucir mas claro, me daba en la cara y respire ante la belleza de el dia. Queria sonreir pero no podia. Mi vida era triste, mis amigos todos vivian lejos y yo estaba desconectada de el mundo. Seguia caminando para llegar a casa, comeria sola como siempre y el silencio llenaria mi alma. La gente vivia su vida y les importaba un pepino el resto de la humanidad, asi veia yo la vida de pesimista. Antes de llegar a casa le compre a Lily la muchacha de el puesto de flores unas rosas de varios colores aunque fuese para alegrar mi tarde. Caminaba lento porque sabia que si llegaba a casa estaria sola y me deprimiria. Me tropeze con el pastelero que me hizo entrar a probar su nueva obra de arte, un pastel de coco con queso crema, estaba delicioso, no hable mucho con el, luego volvi a retomar el camino a casa. Yo seguia deteniendo mis pasos, entonces entre a una libreria, comenze a mirar los libros mientras aguantaba las rosas con una mano, me detuvo la figura de un joven que me miraba desde la escalera donde ponia libros en los estantes, me sonrio y entonces sin querer le sonrei, me entretube mirando otros libros y cuando mire a la escalera otra vez el no estaba, no podia haber bajado tan rapido de la escalera, quizas lo imagine, a lo mejor lo sone, estaria volviendome loca de tanta soledad, ya no sabia ni que pensar y por eso sali de alli sin comprar nada rumbo a casa donde podria estar refugiada de mi dolor.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:32 pm
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



You really need to translate this.
I had to use an online translator to read it.


I know some spanish, but it is just too hard to read.

I didn't even read all of the story because translation from spanish to english doesn't do it justice.
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:39 pm
aestar101 says...



Translation please.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:53 pm
Leja says...



Hello! Ooh, I'm so happy to see some Spanish around here ^_^ (by the way, don't feel like you have to translate everything. Some things just aren't as effective on one language as another) I'm studying it as a second language, so let's see how I've done understading, yes? ^_^ (perdoname si no escribo en español, pero si yo lo hiciera, no vas a leerlo esta "critique" nunca; tan mucho tiempo pasará!)

There's a whole lot of telling that goes on here. Ex:

La vida parecia querer herirme, no entendia las cosas que me ocurrian.


Why was life trying to hurt the character? If she were to go on to explain things that were happening in her life, things that made it seem like it was trying to kill her, I could understand. However, what follows is a description about the weather. It's missing a crucial "Why?" factor, and that's where you'll find the heart of the story.

Similar with this:

Mi vida era triste, mis amigos todos vivian lejos y yo estaba desconectada de el mundo.


What follows "my life was sad" is reason for why the narrator's life was sad, but it doesn't really touch on specifics. I feel like I'm reading a summary of the story insead of the story itself, or watching a trailer for a movie.

La gente vivia su vida y les importaba un pepino el resto de la humanidad, asi veia yo la vida de pesimista. Antes de llegar a casa le compre a Lily la muchacha de el puesto de flores unas rosas de varios colores aunque fuese para alegrar mi tarde. Caminaba lento porque sabia que si llegaba a casa estaria sola y me deprimiria.


Concetrate on parts like this; they seem to be the heart of your story. They show rather than tell or summarize, and that's a good thing. That lets the reader live the story along with the character and ultimately connect with them more. And it's in that connection that a story can sometimes be more effective.

Also, look to break up the paragraphs a little more; wherever there's a major time break or a scene change, there should generally be a new paragraph. I think a few of those might have been overlooked here.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 9:14 pm
aestar101 says...



Leja, can you tranlate this for me. I really want to read it.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html
  








We know what we are, but know not what we may be.
— William Shakespeare