Young Writers Society

I was living on my own and I felt terrible. Where are all the people who were living with me in the big house?. God threw at me a very fast curved ball and now all of a sudden I was walking all alone thru the streets of an empty life. I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes looked so tire and wasted from so much crying, I came to the conclusion that nobody really cared, people only cared about their own lives. I had lost my faith and decided not to pray anymore, for me it was a waste of time, it seemed God was deaf when I prayed.

The day was sunny and not a cloud in sight, I was walking by the park close to the library and I saw a guy sitting in one of the benches singing with his guitar, the melody was soft and somehow it sounded like an Irish ballad. From where I was standing I saw he was blond, maybe in his early twenties. The song was so soft it soothed my heart, for a moment I lost track of time. He looked my way and for a moment our eyes connected but a few seconds later he went on singing and playing his guitar. So many things bad things had happened to me that all I wanted was something good to appear so I could have a chance to be happy for once in my life, I decided to walk away and go home, I was pretty sure love was out of my reach, the Irish ballad was just a moment for my heart acke to paused for a while but nothing else but at that moment I didn't know how life was going to change for me starting that sunny day at the park.

(to be continued)...

Hello, and welcome to YWS, haven't seen you around!

Okay, you need to explain what you're saying here... Corrections and comments in bold...

I was living on my own and I felt terrible. Where are should that be were? You're talking in the past tense. What big house? all the people who were living with me in the big house? God threw at me a very fast curved ball because balls aren't spherical. You can leave the "curved" out and now all of a sudden I was walking all alone thru through the streets of an empty life. Streets of an empty life. Love it. I looked at myself in the mirror wasn't she walking? Maybe you want to say something along to lines of "That morning I had looked at myself in the mirror..." and my eyes looked so tire tired and wasted from so much crying, leave out that "so", and break your sentence here, full stop instead of comma I came to the conclusion that nobody really cared, people only cared about their own lives. I had lost my faith and decided not to pray anymore, for me it was a waste of time, it seemed God was deaf when I prayed.

The day was sunny and not a cloud in sight, full stop, not comma I was walking by the park close to the library and I saw a guy sitting in one of the benches singing with his guitar,full stop again the melody was soft and somehow it sounded like an Irish ballad. From where I was standing I saw he was blond, maybe in his early twenties. The song was so soft it soothed my heart, for a moment I lost track of time. He looked my way and for a moment our eyes connected describe! Even if she can't see his eyes, describe his gaze. Is it intense? What expression is he wearing? but a few seconds later he went on singing and playing his guitar. Right here, I would put an action in like "I sighed" or something, I don't know, just a suggestion.So many things bad things had happened to me that all I wanted was something good to appear so I could have a chance to be happy for once in my life,full stop I decided to walk away and go home, full stop I was pretty sure love was out of my reach, full stop the Irish ballad was just a moment for my heart acke ache to paused pause for a while leave out "for a while" but nothing else but at that moment full stop I think. This whole sentence is so run-onny it's hard to tell where to break it. I didn't know how life was going to change for me starting that sunny day at the park.

Okay. You need to check the length of your sentences. Keep them short and sweet.

You also need to explain more. I know this is only the first part of many, but leave the reader hints and tips. We know she lived in a big house but what happened? Did they die? Did they leave?

The Irish ballad title was the bit that caught my eye... although my favourite song has to be Bean Páidín...

So apart from those things, this was a good beginning!!!

PM me if you feel the need to!

Stella x

Wow, this was really short. It might have eventually caught my attention if there'd been more.

As far as hooks go that wasn't too great, to be honest. There wasn't anything particularly original. The first sentence needs to catch the reader's attention, draw them in, leave them wanting more. There wasn't anything in that.

There were also way too may spelling and grammar errors. "Thru" instead of "through" seems just kind of lazy and it seems like you aren't serious about this.

Needs work. Keep writing.

Wow, with just a little work this could be really good!
Your sentences should be a little shorter, and a little more
explanation could be good. I kind of got lost with the house
thing.

So just a little more work and this should be great!
Can't wait to read more(:

I think that this was really cute, and if you develop it more it won't be cute, it will be AWESOME!