Young Writers Society

i deleted this good bye

***We looked at each other for what felt like hours, all I could do was look deep into his big purple eyes. we were wolf-demons, so what? I loved him and he loved me***

The bold is some editing I did. Hm. This doesn't make very much sense. The first sentence is redundant. If they're both wolf demons, then it wouldn't matter in the first place.

***He finally leaned down and we kissed. Cyrus and Shawn, Shawn and Cyrus. It didn't matter anymore- we were no longer kids, but adults***

Again, this is very blunt, and almost irrelevant to the first sentence. What does kissing have to do with being wolf demons? Also, both sound like guy names.

***We've gone through so much together, and I guess I all ways liked him.***

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I certainly hope they do not merely 'like' eachother! There are better reasons for getting together with someone.

***Yes, 22 was considered adult and now that werewolves were after us we needed each other more than any other time. Especially since I was due for a baby soon... ***

This is why I hope they do not merely 'like' eachother. With a baby on the way?? Are you kidding??? Also, we need to know the difference between a werewolf and a wolf demon.

Hm. I think you can do a lot better with this, Artsy. You are just plopping these facts before us with no emotion, no struggle. Think about what you want to show us, what you want us to feel. Give us some dialogue and background. Why is she pregnant? How did they get together? Show these in your writing. Make us feel something. So far, it is dull, no life. I expect more of you, Artsy. I want you to be better than this.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

*Seraph*

We looked at each other for what felt like hours, all I could do was look deep into his big purple eyes, we were wolf-demons so what I loved him and he loved me. Wow, run-on much? Split it up. We looked at each other for what felt like hours. All I could do was look into his big purple eyes. We were wolf demons, but so what? I loved him and he loved me.He finally leaned down and we kissed. Cyrus and Shawn, Shawn and Cyrus it didn't mater anymore Try it didn't matter anymore. We were no longer kids, but adults. Also, avoid the word "kids", you've told us they're wolf demons, not goats...we were no longer kids but adults. We've gone through so much together, and I guess I all ways liked him Do you mean I always liked him? Also, she likes him but doesn't love him and she's pregnant?. Yes, 22 was considered adult twenty two, never write in numbers and now that werewolves were after us we needed each other more than any other time more than ever, perhaps?. Espetailly since I was due for a baby soon...Especially

It's a bit of an infodump, to tell the truth. It's one paragraph and you tell the reader a lot in it. Lengthen it a bit, don't make it so difficult to swallow. Spread the information out over more time. All we're told is they stare at each other, then they kiss, the rest of it is all back information. Put a bit more story into it.

Hope I helped!!!

Hey,
I agree with Stella's corrections and suggestions. So far, you just have a paragraph that is mostly back information, but at the same time I like the premise of the story. The idea you have going sounds interesting and I hope that you continue to write. I would have made more corrections, but I think the two ahead of me got to them all before I could

i agree with all of you but i was in a hurry so there wwasn't really anything i could do but i'm going to continue writing this story and i have a few more ideas for it to

Don't feel that you should delete it! I think that you should take what people have said to heart and use it to improve your writing.

Oh and by the way, welcome to YWS!!!

if you're sure... let me know when you post something up.

*Locked*

Artsygirl, if you change your mind and would like to put your story back up here, just send me a PM!