Young Writers Society

She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard, she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed at all. The sun shone down so brightly that day and Will's smile seemed to make everything even brighter. The kindness Will was showing her filled her small world and every day since the beginning of the Summer she had waited patiently for her father to go to work before running across the road to Will's house and embarking on seemingly wonderful adventures. Often these adventures were as small as a walk to the park or a picnic in Will's garden, but for May they were wonderful. Her father was so strict and angered so easily she was barely allowed outside, let alone with a boy. Everyday was like a dream. This day quickly turned into a nightmare.

Today she could see what Will was doing from her bedroom window, he was making a picnic in his front garden. Picnics with Will were her favorite. There was no one just them, no distraction, she could concentrate on him alone. His mousey-blonde hair and emerald green eyes, every single part of him she soaked in like a sponge. She didn't want to forget a bit of him. As soon as her father slammed the door and pulled off down the street she ran outside and across to Will. He greeted her with a hug, a big hug. She breathed in his scent, he wasn't wearing after shave or anything, he just smelled lovely, she didn't want to miss a second of this.

They had finished their picnic and were lying flat on their backs next to each other, watching the clouds. It was just like a normal day. Then she felt his hand on hers, sending shivers up and down her spine. She turned her head to face his and stared deep into his eyes. He kissed her then. Long and passionately. She was younger than him and naive and was new to the whole thing, but she loved it, she loved him, she would have carried on forever, but then suddenly a big force threw them apart. Her Summer dream was quickly becoming a summer nightmare. Her father was not touching her to her shock but he was beating Will.

"Daddy!" She cried, she was nearly sixteen and he still treated her like his little girl, but not in the way most fathers do, "please STOP!" She cried.
"YOU NEVER TOUCH MY DAUGHTER AGAIN!" He picked Will up high and threw him to the ground. He kicked and punched.
"HELP! SOMEONE!" May cried out. Surely someone could see or hear this? May screamed to Will's mother who was coming out of the house and started running when she saw what was happening, but May's father was too quick. He left Will and quickly grabbed May. Her father was a strong man and she was so small it was not hard for him to grab her, but May wriggled and hit and kicked out but he managed to drag her to the pavement but then she kicked him hard, so hard he dropped her. She fell into the road.
"May!" Will called, but it was too late, the van was going quickly, too quickly. May went flying up into the air and landed with a bump on the road. Will's mother had run inside to call the police. Will ran to May. Blood trickling down his face from his nose, mouth and a cut in his head, he was in pain. He tried to get to May but her father had the advantage of no big injuries, he got there first, grabbed May and shoved her into his car and sped off.
"She has to go to hospital!" Will cried after them.


Her father had, for once, done the right thing by his little girl. He had taken her to the hospital but her injuries were too severe. She was in a coma and then died, with Will next to her. May's father went to prison for what he did to Will, he had to sell his house to pay for the lawyer, he wouldn't need it, at least for a few years anyway. A new family moved in across the street. Slowly, everyone moved on. Will's family were astounded that he decided to befriend the new girl who moved in across the street, but he did. None of them knew her name was Angel. None of them knew what May had told Will right before she died, right after she woke from the coma for those few moments but what she'd said he did, after all he loved her.

"I'll send an angel instead."







I don't know...I felt the urge to write, I didn't know how to end it! Suggestions? Thanks:)

Ahoy there! I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today.

The kindness Will was showing her filled her small world and every day since the beginning of the Summer she had waited patiently for her father to go to work before running across the road to Will's house and embarking on seemingly wonderful adventures

This is a run-on sentence. It's best to break it up into some smaller ones.

Everyday was like a dream.

In this context, "every day" is two words.

This day quickly turned into a nightmare.

Aw. Way to totally spoil the surprise.

Today she could see what Will was doing from her bedroom window, he was making a picnic in his front garden.

Change the comma to either a hyphen or semicolon.

There was no one just them, no distraction, she could concentrate on him alone.

Try "no one but them" for fluency.
Just as well, "and she could concentrate"

His mousey-blonde hair and emerald green eyes, every single part of him she soaked in like a sponge.

This seems like you're trying too hard to input description -- it doesn't feel natural.

[quoteslammed the door and pulled off down the street[/quote]
Was he in a car?

*Random note* I'm annoyed with pointing this out -- you have a lot of sentences that need to be broken up. Too many clauses all in one and it doesn't sound fluent. I trust you to find them all.

My biggest complaints are this: your grammar and the lack of detail. Your sentence fluency is pretty sub-par. I recommend reading your writing out loud to yourself to hear how it sounds.

As for the lack of detail, this is very rushed. You don't let any descriptive language or emotion shine through to let your characters connect with the reader -- which is a really cruical bond. Expand on what you have already by adding details, descriptive language, emotion, strong verbs, etc. It'll make things a lot spicier and a lot more interesting. And it's what makes good writing good.

But you have a nice idea here, and I can smell a writer ready to bloom hiding under all these errors. Keep at it!

PM me if you have any questions.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Ditto Saint, pretty much. And it was interesting how at the end you bolded the last sentence. It stuck out a lot, but I don't think it had the impact the reader anticipated. But it's eloquent, very beautiful.

Just work on developing your story a bit more, kill those run-on sentences, and I think we've got a, well, budding writer on our hands. >.< Sorry, Saint. Couldn't help it.

--Serena.

I love it!! I'm not an emotional person and I felt tears well up in my eyes!!

I think you had a good premise for a story here, but it just wasn't believable. I understand fantasy and other things happening and stuff, but this just wasn't realistic at all. It ended way too quickly, and you told (instead of showed) a lot of the time. Don't just tell the story--show us through her actions. Instead of saying, "She was scared," say "Her hands shook uncontrollably as she saw her father's shadow fall over them" or something like that.

Best of luck, and if you have any questions, pm me! Sorry I don't have time for a better crit, but gotsa go to bed!

Hello I'd just like to say I'm a sap for love stories and that this one is no exception, although it seemed a little flat. I know it was only a short story but you didn't really build up the love beetween Will and May, the picnics and the hugs and the walks weren't special enough to really create an image of what they felt for eachother.

"Daddy!" She cried, she was nearly sixteen and he still treated her like his little girl, but not in the way most fathers do

That whole piece right there seemed immensely cliche, I sighed a little bit inside when I read this because I see this Overprotective Father Character everywhere I turn. Even though you illustrate later he is really very abusive and therefore different from those other characters, it contradicts the whole "he still treated her like his little girl". It just wasn't very believable.

Overall I see promise for your romantic story writing ability. I would really love to read a longer love story by you, I think you would be able to do more with the characters. Keep Writing!

I liked it, its got a lot of potiental. I won't bore you with more of the grammer rubbish because I see that razor's taken care of that.

The bone I have to pick with this though is that it moved too quickly, you didn't really describe Will her or anything for that matter. There wasn't much of a story line, just the dad was nutso and accidently killed his daughter.

You also need to do a little more detail with why her dad's so nutso, did something happen in his past? Was he a drunk? And what else had he done wrong? More of that.

The end wasn't really emotionally provoking for me, it was just like an obituary, if you wanted it to be something to tug on the heart strings maybe do the scene where she dies.

I like it as it is, but I think I'd like it better if it were more descriptive and you told the bit about when she died.

Best of luck to ya loveselys (my new made up on the spot word),
Alice

I absolutly loved this story It was awsome. Good work

I agree with the comment of this story being rushed. Before I could really tune it, the story ended, and sort of in a predictable way too.

What I can't really understand is this sentence, maybe I'm sort of slow, but I just can't figure it out...hmmm

None of them knew what May had told Will right before she died, right after she woke from the coma for those few moments but what she'd said he did, after all he loved her.