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Brothers, Friends, And Boy Friend



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Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:09 pm
DarkSweetRose89 says...



“Kate you have to come over now! It’s an emergency!” I yelled on the line with Kate, crying hysterically.

“Okay Jen, I’m on my way. And I’m bringing Tyler with me,” Kate said and both hung up.

__

Do you want to know what was so important that I needed to yell to get her to come here? Well, I’ll tell you. My so-called boyfriend used me. It was from a bet. So he was never really my boyfriend. He told me he used me to get homework and that I wasn’t “hot” enough for him.

It was all a fucking joke to him and his friends. He knew that I’d stupidly fall for it. And guess what? I did…He broke up with me right after school in front of his idiotic friends. I wanted to yell at him and cry and punch him but it was no use. I had just stood there like a statue not moving my body at all. I kept opening my mouth trying to say something but nothing would come out of it.

I think one of my friends tried to warn me but all I did was talk about him. I probably should have seen it coming but I was hopelessly in love with that jackass. When I calmed down a bit, I realized that someone was knocking at my door. I hadn’t noticed in my former state.

I got up to get it, and saw whom it was. My two best friends, even though I had only called one of them. You could say that Kate isn’t a type to comfort people but she at least tries to. Then there’s Tyler, the best comfort. He makes you feel so much better and safe in his arms.

“Hey guys,” I said to them, letting them in and wiping my tears away. The two sat down on my bed as I went to sit down in my computer chair and readied myself to start talking about the day.

“So spit it out and tell us what happened already,” Kate said. Tyler nodded in agreement and looked at her. I took a deep breathe to steady myself.

“Okay, well, you see Ben and I…well, he broke up with me… for a stupid reason,” I answered as calmly as I could, barely holding the tears back. They just sat there in shock

“I’m so sorry, Jen,” Kate said as Tyler struggled to say something, but just ended up nodding his head. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer and all Kate could do was bite her nails nervously. Instead of sitting uselessly, Tyler sat on my bed and wrapped his arms around me. I hid my face in his shoulder, still crying.

“I told you that guy was a piece of shit,” Tyler said. He then went into detail about the lack of character that Ben had.

“What the hell?” I said as my crying turned into sobs, “Stop cursing Ben and just stop mentioning him! It’s no use.”

Tyler had shut up before he went any further in talking shit about Ben. After a while, I had heard someone coming up the stairs and a knock at her door.

“I heard you crying from downstairs and decided to come up and check on my baby sister,” my brother Alex said. Chris nodded and looked at me with a worried expression.

“It’s none of your damn business to check up on me whether I’m crying or not and you never even bothered to worry about me before, so why bother now?” I asked him angrily, my voice almost rising to a yell.

He only shrugged a bit and then answered, “Well I didn’t care. Chris did.” Chris glared at him as Alex pointed his way.

“We, I, was just worried about you and wanted to see if you’re okay. Did anything happen?” he asked and gave Tyler a dirty look. The two then exchanged some vicious looks.

She then looked up at Kate who was still biting her nails. She shook her head in disappointment.

Why are the guys giving a dirty looks to one another? All of a sudden, the guy of my dreams was asking me what happened. Do you really think that I’m going to tell him? Yeah right. What if I did? They’re going to laugh at me and agree with Ben. I am just one bet for all the jock guys at our school.

I have to say something quick. The boys are giving dirty looks and Tyler is holding me tight not letting Chris come any closer, or at least that’s what I think. Chris is walking closer to me; I can feel my face being as red as a tomato. Fuck. I hope he couldn’t tell that I’m blushing.

I think Tyler noticed, shit. I quickly looked at him and hugged him knowing that it’s okay for Chris to come near me. He was going to say something but I shush him. Then I turned to Chris who he giving me his perfect smile sitting next to me!

“So, Jenny, are you going to tell me why you were crying?” Chris asked her in a concerned voice. I swallowed and nodded my head.

“My boyfriend broke up with me for some reason that I don’t want to explain.” I gave him a fair answer. He nodded his head in understanding. As I can still feel Tyler holding me tight and I hold him back as he still gives a dirty look over at Dave.

Then out of nowhere, my two year old crush said something that hurt me, and I knew I should have said something.

“Well, I think I know perfectly well why he broke up with you,” he started laughing. So was my brother. It is no shocker really. They laugh at me about these things. But I couldn’t help myself from crying even harder or from tightening my grip on Tyler.

“Out of her fucking room you bastard!” Tyler yelled at my brother and his friends. He let go of me as he went to show them out the door and then locked it.

Next he started cursing at them from the door as the guys were yelling at each other. I couldn’t take this crap anymore. “Shut the hell up and all of you just get out of my fucking room, now!” I finally yelled at them as loud as I could and kicked them all out.

Finally, they were by the door and still yelling at each other. Oh my god! Couldn’t they tell I wanted them to all to just fucking shut it and leave me alone!?

“Jen, we’re sorry. Please open the door,” Tyler and Kate said. I groaned in frustration.

“No! Just go away. I want to be alone for a while, please.” I told them nicely and loudly enough for them to hear. Finally, they listened to me and left me alone.

God, I have never been left alone. I at least have my single best friend with me, and not have all of them just barge in and start shit.

God. I can’t stand them. You see how my life is. It is so horrible, but now the real stuff begins. If you don’t know what I mean, you’ll find out soon enough.
  





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Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:26 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



This was good. You have all the frustrated emotions down really well. It's really confusing though because all of a sudden there's a Chris and a Dave without any explaination of why they are there or how they got there. You need to tell us who they are. I don't know if they're friends of her brother's, or her friends?? It's just really confusing. Nice piece though! And welcome to the YWS!

If you read the rules though, you need to post 2 reviews of someone else's work before you post your own, otherwise the Mods get mad. So run out and review, review, review!!! Keep writing! And feel free to PM me if you need any help! :)

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 7:55 pm
Teague says...



Ahoy there! Welcome to YWS! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. :D

I yelled on the line with Kate, crying hysterically.

It's kind of obvious that your MC is talking with Kate. it's best to just say something to the effect of "I yelled into the phone."

Do you want to know what was so important that I needed to yell to get her to come here?

Goodness. Lines like this bug me big time. Lines like this are basically a cheap cop-out to coming up with something better. I suggest you fix it. ;)

*Random note* Your first several paragraphs are info dumps. No one likes having exposition jammed down their throat all at once. It's kind of boring, to be completely honest with you. It's best to show these kind of things -- through conversation, flashbacks, etc. There's a myriad of devices to help with that.

Hmm... interesting. The fact that this is so rushed detracts from the story, but your writing is good enough. You really need to slow this down and give your reader more of a chance to connect with your characters -- for example, right now you have mostly dialogue. Adding in some setting, some descriptive language, and some emotion would help in a huge way.

PM me if you have any questions! :)

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Sun Feb 24, 2008 8:08 pm
SimonCowellLuver says...



Next he started cursing at them from the door as the guys were yelling at each other. I couldn’t take this crap anymore. “Shut the hell up and all of you just get out of my fucking room, now!” I finally yelled at them as loud as I could and kicked them all out.
This doesn't make sense to me sorry but it doesn't. You don't need all this in it. The way you formatted your poem isn't great either. Sorry i am being harsh but to become a better writer you need someone to speak the truth.
I really hope this is rated for the content if not it should be and i will make sure of that!

Sorry but it was so cliche and other things which i am not gonna get in to.

I didn't really like it but its my opinion and i am sticking to it.

PM me if you have any questions or comments about what I said. Have a good day!
SCL
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2. you just tried it
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Tue Feb 26, 2008 6:51 pm
summergrl13 says...



I really don't like how often it swears. You should use less because that's really heavy swearing. Other than that it's great.
I will review for you! PM about it if you need one!


Come check out my new story at topic53543.html
  








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