Young Writers Society

I sat on the couch in his bedroom, looking up to the clouds passing by through the sky-light window. They seemed to me moving so fast, just like these last few hours I had with him. Him being Mark, my best friend in the entire world, sort of. I had fancied him for two years. Two long and painful years, that was up until I got together with my boyfriend, then I stopped liking him, I thought. My boyfriend, at that moment, might as well have not existed. I was not thinking about him, even if I wanted to, Mark had captured my mind, filled it with thoughts of him that were physically hurting my heart. I heard him downstairs talking to his mother,
"She's crying!" He said.
"Go back up and see her!" She urged him.
"I don't know what to say!" He replied. I heard some mumbled words and as I heard him walking back up the stairs I turned me head from the door and wiped away a tear before it followed the path of the tears before it. I was at my worst, my hair was not straightened, I had no makeup on and I was wearing my school uniform apart from my jumper and tie. I had looked better.
He threw a pillow at me, we had been having a pillow fight before the water-works started and there were pillows strewn all over the room, obviously one had been at the door.
"Don't throw things at me!" I laughed, turning my head away from him. He sat next to me. He took his hand in mine and with the other one turned my head to face him. His big brown eyes looked deep into mine, his blonde hair gelled up as usual. His hands were so soft. We sat there in silence, just looking at each other until I couldn't stand it anymore. I tore my hand away from his and jerked my head before the tears flooded down my cheeks again.
"Ella, please-"
"This is so difficult, how can you just move hundreds of miles away and not even care?!" I pleaded.
"You honestly think I don't care? I thought you knew me better." He sounded disappointed.
The silence remained between us. No noise except for clanging of cups downstairs and the TV buzzing in the background. I was not looking at him. My heart already felt like it was tearing, I did not want it to be completely ripped in two. His hand was on my cheek, his soft, soothing hand, he turned my face slowly around to him. He wiped away a tear that had started making tracks down my face.
"Please-" He started to speak, if I didn't know him better I could have sworn that he was holding back tears. He sat up higher than me, still holding his palm against my cheek. He slowly lifted my head up to his. I knew what was coming. I closed my eyes. We kissed. It was one of those kisses you read about in story books or see in films, not like the normal ordinary kisses I'm used to. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to fly out of my chest. I wanted to stay like this with him forever. He stopped. I couldn't hold them back anymore, tears flooded like a river, I cried and cried.
"Why did you kiss me?" I managed to blurt out.
"Ella, Ella PLEASE-" He pleaded, "You're just making it worse!"
"Why?!"
"I-I-I Thought it would make you feel better." It was not the answer I wanted. I wiped my face,
"Goodbye." I stood up and collected my things.
"Ella!" He called out the door as I left. I didn't stop and I didn't look back and for all I knew, for all I know, I will never see him again. Inside my head I still tell myself that he did, he does, love me and didn't want to tell me just because it would make it hard for him. It's so hard losing someone you love. Especially when you know that they're still out there somewhere, thinking of some other girl when they could still be here with you, thinking of you.

1. his blonde hair gelled up as per usual.

Take out "per"

It's good...double space. I would suggest making it longer. BUt it's good. XD I liked it. Keep writing!

Jamie Bondage

Man, that was really really really sad. :'(. BUt good at the same time.

I liked it a lot, although the ending seemed to be a bit abrupt, maybe have her hug him or something before she leaves?

I dunno, but this story was amazing, keep it up

That was really sad but great. I like the beginning and it didn't give away anything to soon. The ending was a bit quick, though I liked it.

Keep up the good work.

Cait

I. Nitpicks

cloudy.skiesx wrote:I sat on the couch in his bedroom, looking up to the clouds passing by through the sky-light window. They seemed to me moving so fast, just like these last few hours I had with him. Him being Mark, my best friend in the entire world, sort of. I had fancied him for two years. Two long and painful years, that was up until I got together with my boyfriend, then I stopped liking him, I thought. My boyfriend, at that moment, might as well have not existed. I was not thinking about him, even if I wanted to, Mark had captured my mind, filled it with thoughts of him that were physically hurting my heart. I heard him downstairs talking to his mother,

Two things I noticed. "Sky-light window" What does that mean?

He threw a pillow at me, we had been having a pillow fight before the water-works started and there were pillows strewn all over the room, obviously one had been at the door.

Take out "obviously one had been at the door." It's just repeating what we already know.

"This is so difficult, how can you just move hundreds of miles away and not even care?!" I pleaded.

The way she worded what she said it doesn't make it sound like a "plea" more like a demand or a rhetorical question.


II. Tenses

In the beginning you had it in present tense and used participles and current tense words and then you started using past tense and occasionally slipped into present. You should read over it and change everything to past tense.

III. Unrealistic Reactions

The boy's reaction to the girl crying wasn't right...you know? He obviously cares for her, but when she cries he runs away to his mother who tells him to go back and he does? Maybe some guys would do that, but I think he would sit there awkwardly and finally say what he had to say during the end of the story.

IV. Plot and Characters

It was quite easy to feel sorry for the girl because that's such an easy situation to insert yourself into for most people. We all understand what it's like to lose someone and the process of "mourning" them (even if they're dead/alive). The plot was nice and easy to relate to.

V. Overall Impression

I thought this was a good, easy to relate to story. Just fix up some of your mistakes in the editing process and that's pretty much all I have to say.

The story is sad...=(

My only suggestion is that you add more to the beginning. Show us Ella when she's happy, then we can compare her to when her heart is breaking. Adding more to the beginning will trick the reader into thinking it will be a happy story, but then it becomes sad, so the reader feels catharsis. Diabolical, isn't it?

Nice job! PM me if you have any questions, comments, or if your pet monkey just puked on the carpet your mom just had cleaned (story of my life).

Awww it's sad. But it's lovely. Keep writing! And yes it was a good first attempt. Read and review mine thanks.

I can't stop reading this story over and over again!

Other than the tenses and all the other things mentioned above, I noticed one awkward wording as I was (re-)reading it:

His hand was on my cheek, his soft, soothing hand, he turned my face slowly around to him.

I think it would flow better like this:

His hand was on my cheek, and with it, his soft, soothing hand, he turned my face slowly around to him

or.....

His hand was on my cheek, his soft, soothing hand turned my face slowly around to him.

( I took out the ", he" )

So yeah, props for a great short story!

I like it, it reminds me of something that happened to me a long time ago.

The end is a bit rushed, but other than that I didn't notice too many mistakes.

Wow, that was really good. Sad, but amazing all the same!