Young Writers Society

I have no idea what inspired me to write this, but I have. I think it is a bit icky, especially towards the end, but that's your opinion in the end. Feel free to critique how you wish, since I want sincere thoughts on whether or not to continue. Some of you have already read half. I suppose I should mention here that this was intended as a dream sequence, as most of my work is.


Adam and Elle.

A burning blanketed her skin. The summer weather was ridiculously warm, and Elle found herself molding into it. She was just another fly caught on the painful fly-paper of heat, and it became all she knew. Her body perspired like a can of Pepsi, her tongue dried to a sandpaper state. All she could think was "It's hot, it's too hot." But she still had a while to walk. The weight of her bag pressured her shoulders until they felt like shattering. Images of the large textbooks she was carrying for her homework whizzed through her mind, and a stress headache found its way to her temple, where it mercilessly panged. Behind her, a pair of immature thirteen year olds giggled and squeaked in their chatter. They bumped each other along the path as they insulted each other with comments about their marriages to unpleasant teachers. A desire burned in Elle; a passion to turn around and bang their heads together. She tamed herself, though, and searched desperately for a distraction. However, there was only one other person on the road, and every house was silent. The trees didn't blow, they birds didn't sing. It was nothing but warmth. So Elle tried to study what the other person was doing.

She concentrated on his feet first. When he walked, they barely moved, just repeatedly pounded into the ground as though he was merely a stamp being pressed onto a failed maths test. His knees bent at a minor degree, and he didn't bounce along like Elle did. His attention was occupied by what he held in his hands. Elle wandered closer to the edge of the sidewalk, so she was allowed a glimpse at what the boy was doing. In his hand, he held an apple; perhaps the finest Elle had ever seen. It was a seducing gem. Skin as red as a polished ruby, not an imperfection in sight. Out of one side was a gap that exposed the porcelain flesh, juice moistening its pores. It had not yellowed from exposure, but maintained its pale shade. The apple was perfectly round and it tempted Elle, like a milk-baring breast and she was the starved infant. Her mouth, hands, stomach, everything craved a touch from the heavenly fruit.

Adam lifted the Pink Lady to his lips for another bite. It crunched as his teeth slid under the skin and removed a nugget from its body. The juice flowed down his chin freely, and he hesitated to wipe it away, as he enjoyed the cooling effect it left. Slowly he slid the smoothness of the back of his hand along his mouth, removing the fluid, before taking another bite. Hearing a girl squeal, his attention was diverted. Adam glanced around him and noticed Elle, staring at his apple with lust in her eyes. Embarrassed at being caught, she looked up at Adam hastily, and smiled in an attempt to laugh the incident off. She hadn't eaten lunch, as usual, and her stomach was bare and lonely. It craved the apple Adam held. He must have noticed this, because he made a prompt decision to walk over to Elle.

Elle's heart raced in her chest. She could feel her skin becoming hot and sensitive as her blood boiled with anticipation. Her stomach fluttered, and she ached to be touched.

Slowly and gently, as if it were as fragile as tissue paper, Adam lifted the plump fruit until it pressured Elle's lips. The apple refreshed her with a cool it had miraculously mustered from the impossible heat. Her tongue reached out, licking the smooth skin with care. This pearl gave the impression that it had to be nursed and protected. Elle respected that, and made sure she was soft as she slid her teeth into the flesh. A watering chunk broke free into her mouth, and she chewed gratefully. Adam stood, watching. An urge arose inside of him, a lusting. A sudden desire to reach forth towards this divine creature and hold her. Caress her. Touch her. Love her.

Lowering the apple, Adam leaned forward. Both of the youths were nervous, but they hid it well; looks of firmness and expectation masked their faces. Elle leaned to meet Adam in the centre. This time, a warmth met her lips, moistened from the snack. An inviting, not a harsh warmth like the weather. It was Adam's body heat, which Elle yearned to bathe herself in. Hungry for the sensual feminine, Adam kissed. Desperate for the arousing man, Elle kissed back. A sweet feeling of passion passed between the two, making them feel as one, if only for a moment.

Hey Lucy. (this is critique no 3 out of 75 ).

Slowly he slid the smoothness of the back of his hand along his mouth, removing the fluid, before taking another bite.

May I suggest changing "removing" to "wiping", as removing seems to make things sound more complicated than it is. All Adam had to do was simply wipe his mouth.

Elle's heart raced in her chest.

A little nitpick, but this is a rather cliche way of showing a sudden impulse of excitement. It can be more original in its wording. I called this a nitpick, as it actually has an association with summer itself, but it just needs to be more original in wording.

Slowly and gently, as if it were as fragile as tissue paper, Adam lifted the plump fruit until it pressured Elle's lips.

Tissue paper isn't a good simile for an apple's gentleness, as toilet paper is more associated with things like poop, toilet, wee. You know, all that foul stuff. However, an apple is more associated with lust, tasty, sweet, juicy etc etc. An apple and a toilet paper have very little in common. If you are using a simile, keep it consistent with what it is being compared to and relevant to the topic. I also don't like the word "pressured". It sounds as though Adam is forcing the apple down Elle, and contradicts with "slowly" and "gently" which were used earlier in the sentence.

Overall impressions:

I guess I could say that I liked this. It's not entirely original, but the fact that you were able to take a common idea of an apple being associated with temptation and base it in a solid piece like this certainly deserves attention. I really can't criticize much on the actual writing. I mean, it's quite well written, and I didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes. I like how you combined summer itself with the apple in order to add emphasis and increase the power of the temptation itself. If there is anything that I can complain about, then it's the fact that the piece doesn't totally command my attention. The descriptions, plot and ideas are fairly typical, but well written and thought out.

I had some problems with the characters though. I think the story needs more character involvement. This piece is more theme/idea and plot driven rather than characters. The characters don't really have much of a role, other than being puppets to the plot/theme itself. What do I mean by that? Well we don't really know much about Elle nor Adam. There was a hint of character development with Elle near the beginning, but the idea wasn't throughly carried out throughout the piece. When it came to the apple scene, the plot had taken over both Elle and Adam.

This is also why I find the kiss a bit awkward. If they were boyfriend girlfriend, then that's understandable, but that is never shown in the piece. They seem like total strangers to me so that possibility is thrown out of the window. All I really have to say is temption really strong enough by itself to influence someone to kiss a stranger? For the ending to really work, you have to show more of their personality and thoughts to create realism and to show the chemistry between them. It's rather highly unlikely for someone on the street to be kissing a random, even though he/she is hot (unless they are horny).

You can develop the characters further if you want to, but as a short piece, I think it can be excused, since the romance itself is not the key focus.

Overall, I think I liked this, but for me to be certain, it needs to be more original and better thought out through character interaction and the plot itself.

I think I like this. I like how you turn things on its head a bit: Adam has the apple first, instead of the girl . . . Who isn't Eve, but has something in common with her. Incidentally, linking lust to the Garden story is an extremely important connection to make, and even Biblically less inappropriate than you might think.

I have some suggestions. First, I don't like that the heavy textbooks are "whizzing" through her mind. Whizzing implies weightlessness, quick furtive movement, not something associated with weight. Try another word - "plodding," perhaps. Describing the headache as "mercilessly panging" falls a little flat. If you just call the headache merciless, that would be more effective, or if you give it a more visceral verb: "mercilessly assaulted," or something like that.

Also, I don't like the word "fluid" associated with the juice from the apple. It's not wrong, per se . . . It just . . . eh, I can't really give a good reason. It just bothers me. xD

Otherwise, this is very good. I like the ending, as strange as it seems, because it begs for analysis and interpretation. This is the kind of story I could imagine a classroom going over in close readings to piece together hidden meanings from the text. Good work.

Heya!

Right, well I am quite mixed up about this. I think the description and the imagery was beautiful, but the characters lacked... emotion. At least, that's what I thought.

I liked the writing the style, it was just the plot and characters that lacked for me

Tissue paper isn't a good simile for an apple's gentleness, as toilet paper is more associated with things like poop, toilet, wee.

Tissue paper isn't toilet paper, Andy.

Hey Loose! Yay for you, you're my first critique of the day. I don't think I've read anything of yours before? That should be remedied! ^^

A burning blanketed her skin.

This is a bit unclear -- a burning feeling, perhaps?

where it mercilessly panged

This seems to be a bit of a syntax error -- "panged mercilessly" might sound more natural.

The trees didn't blow, they birds didn't sing.

Typo! I'm sure you mean "the birds."

*Random note* Ooh, I dig the symbolism.

It was Adam's body heat, which Elle yearned to bathe herself in.

Extraneous comma after "body heat."

Hm. An interesting oneshot. Or is it a oneshot? Seems like there's more to the story! What are you hiding?

Your description was good, but it felt a bit forced in places, especially towards the beginning. Give it a good read-through to see if you've forced it anywhere. But overall, it was good. Gave a really good mental picture.

I look forward to more of your work! And thank you for choosing Saintification Critiques, Inc. =P

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I'd have to agree that the kiss is a little awkward. It is just completely random. I understand the whole idea, but in practice, it doesn't really work.

This was an interesting piece of work. I liked the concept.

But the characters seem flat. We really don't know anything about them. Also, you do a one-line switch in POV from her to him and then back again. Pick one or the other, or make it clear who is speaking by breaking up the prose with a marker of some sort.

The mood changes quite a bit throughout the story. It goes from your normal teen story - highschool, chattering girls, etc - to a weird, clean seduction. Perhaps you could have her yearning for something more in the beginning. Hint at what is to come, rather than starting off with a boring same-old, same-old.

Overall, this story has so much potential. Your twist on the Adam and Eve story is pretty neat and like I said, I like the concept. It just could use a little work.

One last note: I think in your title, you meant 'Adam AND Elle." Right now it is 'an.'

*thumbs up* Good luck with it!

~GryphonFledgling

Pretty good.



No chatspeak. -- Snoink

Hey Sugar. ^^ As I promised I'm here to have looksie. And I like it. I enjoy how you developed the story from where I read.

One thing:

"It was a seducing gem."

Perhaps "seductive" would work better. Something jars say I think "seducing" here.

I love the kiss. Perhaps it's just how I see the heat, particularily Aussie heat, where it's all bright sun and you can't quite think straight until all you want is something cool. His apple was cool - oh em gee, how good the idea of that apple is ^^ - and the lead up, in the heat, was gorgeous.

It's just the sort of thing to happen in the heat of the moment as it were.
Delicious. ^^

Again, I like this, nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

insulted each other with comments about their marriages to unpleasant teachers

..Huh? 13-year-olds are married to unpleasant teachers?

I loved the description, and I'm not going to critique on grammar. Just go check it in Word.

Um...a bit too short? That's what a lot of people have a problem with, especially in Romance stories. They start out great...but end far too soon.

It's vivid, it really is. And I"m likely to just "agree with everyone who posted ahead of me". But you really do need to work on character developement. Here we have one tiny glimpse...a girl and a boy. We hardly even know who they are! Well, except for the fact that we know he's at least rich enough to have a perfect apple, is willing to share it with her, and within minutes/seconds of seeing a stranger is also willing to make out with her.

Then we have Elle. Well, she's a compulsive lady. ^.~

So you see, there's barely any developement of their characters here. Let us get to know them before they actually do something fascinating.

This story would go really far, if you just worked on character development. You don't even have to draw the moment out, every description is perfect and elaborate.

And I sort of have a problem with the ending:

An inviting, not a harsh warmth like the weather. It was Adam's body heat, which Elle yearned to bathe herself in. Hungry for the sensual feminine, Adam kissed. Desperate for the arousing man, Elle kissed back. A sweet feeling of passion passed between the two, making them feel as one, if only for a moment.

It seems a bit repetitive. Read it out loud, again to yourself. That whole last paragraph.

Overall, I really, really loved the vividness of the story. After all, who doesn't love a writer who can substitute an "apple" with just about 10 other names?

--Seree.

Gyeah like the others have said, characters needed improvement. I sort of looked for the significance of the characters however failed to see em..maybe a lil too flat? oh well, that's you and your style.

I liked the story though. It was very descriptive and wasn't boring at all. Yie nice job

I get it, and I don't get it. I think you did a nice job with the symbolism, but the characters were just...meh. It was kind of a creepy seductive piece... I don't really know how to describe it! XD

I think you were way too verbose on some parts, especially in the beginning paragraph. It just wasn't...right. Like I see how the verbosity added to the story and the slow, sensual feel of it, but it seemed like you dragged everything out when it didn't need to be. Pare down your word choice a little bit, and I think you'll be good to go.

Nice job.

I have two words for you. Very good.