Young Writers Society

this needs some explaining, this is one of the first chapters where I introduce Ariel aka La Femme Mystique. if you are offended by samesex pairings you should leave now and not read this. just wanted to spread the word on that. but otherwise enjoy!

CL


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Sorry Boys!

“Sorry boys, Ariel needs her beauty sleep.” The redhaired beauty they all adored waved goodbye.

Turning slowly and Ariel trudged up to his room. It was promising to be another cold night. Slipping into the anteroom Ariel found flowers on the hall table. White amarphilis; he picked them up to smell, and a solid warmth surrounded him.

“Trystan.”

His aura was smelled of singed sandalwood and freshly dewed grass.

The young blonde smiled when Ariel turned in his arms.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

The smiled faded, but only slightly.

“You don’t like the flowers then. I could get you others, but I thought…”

“No, it’s not the flowers.”

“Then what is it?”

“This…” Ariel gestured around to the rest of the room and then to them.

Trystan creased his forehead in thought.

“This…us…your damned chivalrous ways.” Ariel repeated.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Be yourself.”

“But you’re not like other girls.”

“Damn straight I’m not.”

“What am I supposed to do then? I mean I thought this would work.”

“Just be yourself, Trystan, no expectations, no rules. That’s how it should be.”

Ariel slipped behind the veneered dressing screen.

“Trystan, listen, I like you. I like you very much. But face reality here, this is not your average court relationship and I don’t want it to be, I don’t think you do either.” He came out to stand next to a deflated Trystan.

“Hmm love?” He pushed his long fingers into Trystan’s soft hair, rubbing circles in his scalp; Trystan leaned into the touch.

“S’ok Aer, I’m not use to it is all.”

His aura was smelled of singed sandalwood and freshly dewed grass.

this is a really great line. i really love it.

“This…us…your damned chivalrous ways.” Ariel repeated.

i also like this line as well...oh bloody 'ell i like it all!

lol! its good! I hope there is more!

Just like I said in the other one...good job. I agree with what mysterywriter said about the lines...I liked them too.

thank you all for such nice comments. I love these guys, they are so fun to write about. I am currently working on a story called Eulogy of a Dreamer and they are two of the host of main characters. glad you enjoyed.

CL

want to know what dreamer character you are go here

http://quizilla.com/users/utopianeulogy/quizzes/What%20Dreamer%20Character%20Are%20You%3F

cheers CL

I thought it was same sex pairings? Maybe I got the names confused...did I? I like what you wrote here and can't wait for you to continue. It might be just me but I think this will be a great story line. I love how you describe everything espeically the saddlewood part. I loved that. I'll be sure to read your next posting!

hey Ariel is a guy...i know kinda wierd huh to name a guy that (but Shakespeare did, check out the tempest), but it works so well with him, cause it's also feminine. thank you for the review.

CL

Gah!

Story is more than just dialogue. Heck, dialogue is more than just what the character says. How does this character say it? What is going on? Set up the scene! Your dialogue isn't bad, but it seems flat without description. I'm not saying you should clutter up the whole story with adjectives in order to make it good, but you should at least try to set up the scene.

I agree with your point, a story is so much more than dialogue, but here I found that adding more words cluttered the dialogue. Not so much in my other posts, this yes it's quite sparse. thank you for the criticism though.

CL

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Oksy this is my critique. It was to short! I'm really starting to fall for the characters Tristan esp. I want more. Please send me a message when you do.