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Amber



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Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:26 pm
Kalliope says...



Amber

He was on his ride home from work. Rain was pounding against the windows and the bus was crowded with people. He sat in one of the seats in the far back, his gaze fixed upon the other passengers. He watched the business man, whose cell phone was constantly ringing; the two giggling school girls that were sticking their heads together and the annoyed looking mother, who was trying to stop her child from crying. An elderly lady with a large brown hat and plenty of groceries was pushing her way through the packed aisle, jostling against all kinds of people with her bags, getting people even more wet.

Letting out a small sigh he leaned against the cold glass of the window and closed his eyes. Work had been awful. But the emptiness that awaited him at home wasn’t much better. The image of the boxes in the hallway of his apartment came to his mind. For months now they’d been standing there. Collecting dust, reminding him every time he passed, that she was gone.
He sat up and opened his eyes. Then slightly shaking his head, just as if he was trying to shake those dark thoughts away, he turned to look out the window.

The bus came to a halt at the next stop. A couple people, among them the two school girls, descended and a few other people started getting on: A tall wet-looking guy with earphones; an old man with a worn-out, dark coat and a walking stick and… He froze.

A short woman in a red trench coat had just entered. Water was dripping from the long, dark curls, that reached over her shoulder and the big, black umbrella in her hand was also drenched in rain.
Even though he wasn’t able to make out her face the memories and with them the pain came back so clearly, that he had to draw a few deep breaths just to stay sane.

She looked just like her. The hair, the coat (How she’d loved her trench coat…), even the way she moved, everything brought the woman he had so hard tried to forget right back to his mind.
Amber. His girl. He couldn’t think of a thing he didn’t love about her. Her true brown eyes, her laughter that was like music in his ears… How much he missed her. The sound of her name alone had used to bring a smile to his face. Still did, but nowadays there was no happiness in it. Her voice had been like warm milk and honey and even on the coldest winter days it had felt like a warm summer breeze was stroking your skin, when she spoke.

He closed his eyes and it felt like she was right there, right next to him, just about to start humming one of her silly little songs. Amber.Why? Why did you have to leave?

He leaned against the window. Raindrops were running across it on the outside. Amber had loved days like this one. She’d always taken his hand and dragged him outside to go for a walk in the rain with her. How she’d smiled, every time she’d convinced him to come along. Her smile. She’d become more and more like that smile over the last couple of months. So sweet and frail. Just like glass.
What had he done wrong? How he still wondered… He could have known. He should have known.

Amber.

The last time he‘d seen her had been in July. Tears shot to his eyes, when he thought of the moment they’d said good-bye. He’d never dared to believe it was for good.
She’d been so weak and tired, lying in that white hospital bed. Wrapped in white blankets, the humming of machines in her ears at all times, always reminding her of where she was. He’d brought her her favorite flowers and put them in a small vase beside her bed. Lilies.
As he’d bent down to kiss her good-bye she’d whispered something in his ear. Dave?, she’d whispered. Promise me something? Be happy. Be happy, David.

I promise, Amber, I promise, he whispered softly, tears running down his face. And looking back down the aisle of the crowded bus he noticed, that the woman in the red trench coat was no longer there.
I promise, Amber, I’ll be happy. Tomorrow.


[Note: this has been spooking around in my head for quite some time, but I fear it's gotten a little too corny... Has it?]
Last edited by Kalliope on Sun Feb 10, 2008 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Feb 07, 2008 11:15 pm
kokobeans says...



Aww! I love this!

First things first though - you need line spaces in between your paragraphs. Huge chunks of text are hard to read and quite daunting.

At the end, I think you should take out 'David'. I thought it was a good idea leaving the man nameless.

I can't really see anything wrong with the grammer and spelling, just a suggestion or two. The beginning was brilliant, but you seem to ramble a bit when describing Amber. Maybe you could shorten it. You've also brought in a sudden flashback of her lying in hospital. This is a fragile moment, so I would recommend introducing the sounds and appearances of the hospital, rather than just Amber lying in the bed.

These are just my ideas, though if you have reasons for putting this together the way you did, it's brilliant as it is.

Keep up the good work. Kudos.
  





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Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:43 pm
Kadie says...



Yeah, you need to double space your paragraphs.

Big chunks of text can be off putting, if you double space you're more likely to get reviews.

was pushing her was through the


Just a little typo, should be way, i presume?

A couple people


A couple of people.

Even though he wasn’t able to make out her face the memories and with them the pain came back so clearly, that he had to draw a few deep breaths just to stay sane.


This sentence doesn't sound right. I'd suggest rewording it all together, but if you want to keep it how it is, make it something like this.

Even though he wasn’t able to make out her face, the memories, and with them the pain, came back so clearly that he had to draw a few deep breaths just to stay sane.

he had so hard tried to forget


This sounds kinda awkward. He had tried so hard to forget would be better.

You have a good story here, edit it a little and it could be a great one shot. Maybe try and make your descriptions a little more original, stuff like 'a warm summer breeze' is a little overused.

I don't think it's corny, i think it's pretty touching.
  





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Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:23 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



He sat in one of the seats in the far back, his gaze fixed upon the other passengers.


This is a little wordy. Consider - "He sat in a far back seat, watching the other passengers."

the two giggling school girls that were sticking their heads together and the annoyed looking mother, who was trying to stop her child from crying.


"...school girls with their heads pressed together, and the annoyed mother..."

An elderly lady with a large brown hat and plenty of groceries was pushing her was through the packed aisle, jostling against all kinds of people with her bags, getting people even more wet.


"...pushing her way, jostling all kinds of people with her bags and getting everyone wetter than before."

Letting out a small sigh, he leaned against the cold glass of the window and closed his eyes.


Collecting dust and reminding him every time he passed that she was gone.


Then slightly shaking his head, just as if he was trying to shake those dark thoughts away, he turned to look out the window.


He shook his head slightly, as if to shake away those dark thoughts, and turned to the window.


a few other people started getting on

"A few new passengers mounted the steps."


Water was dripping from the long, dark curls that reached over her shoulder and the big, black umbrella in her hand was also drenched in rain.


"...umbrella in her hand was leaving a sizable puddle on the floor."
Even though he wasn’t able to make out her face , the memories, and with them the pain, came back so clearly that he had to draw a few deep breaths just to stay sane.


This was sad. It was pretty, but sad. Great job at creating the sad factor.

I noticed that in the beginning, you use a few more words than necessary (see my edits - they cut out only two or three words, but those omitted words make the sentence stronger) but that gets better down towards the end.

Interesting story. Congratulations and good luck!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sat Feb 09, 2008 5:09 pm
Aedomir says...



This is really good Kalliope. For a moment I had forgotten what forum I was on, but after reading the first lin I instantly knew it was romance. I like your style here, well done on that!

'He watched the business man, whose cell phone was constantly ringing; the two giggling school girls that were sticking their heads together and the annoyed looking mother, who was trying to stop her child from crying.'

I love this sentence! Also it isn't jammed full of periods, so it flows nicely.

I really like your imagery, and the pace that you kept to really fitted with the story. Cool name for a romance too, 'Amber'. Please PLEASE write more of this, it is really good!

Keep writing,

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
  





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Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:51 pm
Heatherish says...



Oh my gosh. That was amazing! I agree with the first comment that you should keep the man nameless.

You may have meant it this way, but the whole time I thought that she has broken up with him. Not until the end when he was taking about what she looked like and her favorite things did I think that she might have died instead.

I think you did a very good job with the exception of a few small mistakes.
Favorite Quote (at the moment):
"cuz' I'd rather wast my life pretending than have to forget you for one whole minute"
  





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Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:55 pm
Kalliope says...



Yeah, I intended to make it seem like she'd broken up with him, so I'm glad it came across that way :)

I'm still arguing with myself about the name-thing. I have reasons for both, so it may still change. Thanks for the comments everyone! More are greatly appreciated.
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )


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