Hey guys. I did some fixing on my story One Night, but I feel like something is missing. I added a bit more feeling towards the main character and added a few more details, but it just doesnt feel like its all the way done. Maybe you guys can help me
[pre]One night
It was a Saturday night, me and Jason’s five year anniversary. I could not believe we had been together for five years. We brought up marriage a few times, but never spoke seriously about it since we were happy with the way things were. I loved Jason so much and to this day I cry for him. He was taking me to some restaurant that he refused to tell me where it was. We were driving and he said he needed to stop by the bank so he could pay for dinner. I offered to pay, but he insisted that he would pay and that I should keep everything in my purse. At the time I didn’t understand what he meant. Really though I didn’t need to go to some fancy restaurant to have a good time. As long as we were with each other, the night was perfect. We had just gotten back from this festival thing that was going on in our city. It was about nine o’clock when we drove up to the bank and parked the car. Even though he was just going to the ATM in front of the car, I came with him. Holding hands, we walked up to the ATM.
“Can you hand me my wallet?” he asked. As I was digging through my purse I saw a man turn a corner of the building and start slowly walking toward us. Jason saw him too and maneuvered in front of me watching him suspiciously. I brought the wallet out of my purse and gestured it towards Jason. He still stood in front of me watching the man. The man kept coming closer to us and I began to get a little nervous. He was just some guy walking by I thought seeing him walk by the other ATM machine. Jason followed him with his eyes. I saw the man eye the wallet I was holding and just as I was about to hand it to Jason, all of sudden he pulled a gun and aimed it towards us. Jason quickly covered my body with his own.
“Hand over that wallet and you can walk away!” he shouted. Scared, I tossed the wallet at him. He picked it up with the gun still aimed at us. Jason was tense and kept making sure I was behind him.
“Do think this is a joke!” he shouted throwing the wallet on the ground and shaking his gun at us. “I want money damn it! Give me your purse!” I got out from behind Jason and extended my arm holding the strap of the purse. Just as the man snatched the purse from my hand, my stubborn boyfriend lunged at the man. “Jason no!“ I shouted with fear. I stood in shock as Jason held the man’s hand with the gun pointed away towards the
sky. I screamed as the gun fired three times into the air with Jason and the man struggling about. Jason with his left hand began to punch the man who was obviously unprepared for this retaliation. The man dropped the gun and fell down. Jason pushed the man away and grabbed the purse. I watched in horror as Jason picked up the gun and when he turned around to face the man, the man had pulled out another gun from his jacket pocket and pulled the trigger. The shot hit Jason and my heart stopped. I screamed as Jason began to fall backwards and the man sprinted away. Yelling and screaming I ran to Jason, tears streaming down my face. He was alive twitching on the floor trying to see where he was shot. I immediately pulled my cell phone from my purse and called 911. I sat there in tears as Jason lay on the ground in front of me. I felt so helpless as his chest bled. I was in too much of a panic to do anything. As I sat there horrified Jason spoke to me. His voice was usually so calming to me, but not this time. “Don’t worry, don’t worry,“ he said, “Everything will be alright you’ll see.” That was the first time Jason ever lied to me. Finally after what seemed like hours, an ambulance appeared followed by police cars. Two people came out and rushed Jason into the ambulance on a stretcher and sped off to the hospital. I followed them into the ambulance watching Jason every step of the way. As we rode in the ambulance, one of the EMT’s was trying to keep me calm, however, it was useless. I could not control my emotions and kept on crying at the sight of seeing Jason on that stretcher. When we got to the hospital, they made me wait outside of the emergency room as they took Jason in. I ran after Jason and was completely oblivious to the nurses holding me back and tried to force my way in. However the nurses prevailed in keeping me in the waiting room. My mind was only on Jason, nothing else. After a few minutes they had finally gotten me back into the waiting room. After pacing around the room, I took a seat clutching my purse as hard as I could. It was as if my whole world had come crashing down on top of me. I felt as if I was going to die myself. “Jason can’t die,” I repeated for myself. He promised he would always be there for me no matter what. One of the nurses had called Jason and my parents and they were on their way. The only thing that kept my the thoughts from streaming through my head was the sound of the pulse monitor inside the double doors. It beeped slowly. Every time I heard it and panicked waiting for it to beep again. Though my thoughts had stilled for the moment, my tears had not. Suddenly as I was still crying in my chair, I realized the beeping had turned to a long note. It felt as if my heart stopped as I quieted myself. My eyes widened as I stared at the doors to the emergency room scared to death of what was going on. After a few minutes, one of the doctors came out with his head looking at the floor. I stared at him shaking as he walked towards me.
“Ma’am,” he greeted. I did not say a thing. “I’m sorry, but we…lost him.” No I thought. No he had to be lying. He had to be. Tears rushed out of my eyes and I cried as loud as I could. I don’t remember what I said while I was crying, but I was blaming the doctor for being horrible at his job. The doctor was trying to calm me though his efforts were in vain.
“Ma’am please he told me to tell you something,” he said. I suddenly hushed twitching trying to hold my tears in. “He said he was sorry he couldn’t take you to the expensive restaurant.” I knew what he was talking about. The expensive restaurant was our nickname for the place. It was also where we had first met. “He also said he will always love you and to look in your purse,” the doctor finished. Unable to hold my tears back, I searched through my purse. I found a small little box. I dropped to the floor when I opened it and found a ring inside it.[/pre]
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