Young Writers Society

A few comments first. This is far from my best work and I mean Far from it, theres very little character development, I don't show much about Thomas, or why she tried to kill herself. What I need most is examples of how I can do that and where I should put little tid-bits in. Thanks! Expect part two STIF (some time in the future) so this isn't the end end.

Massively edited.


Aurelia! Aurelia! Aurelia!

Aurelia couldn’t hear Thomas shout her name, but she could barely make out his face through the fog, and barely guessed that’s what he was shouting. She knew it wasn’t fair to do that to him, and he was the only one that got her so far after Joshua broke her heart and caused everything to hit the fan.

The mist and haze were clouding her vision. She welcomed the oblivion that killed the intense stinging growing in her wrists as the blood spilled out of them and onto the bathroom tiles. How did Thomas know she was doing this? How did he get into the bathroom? She had locked the door...hadn't she?

She woke two days later with bright florescent lights glaring down at her, scolding her for what she had done. She glanced down at herself and saw her wrists, and the severity of what she had done suddenly hit her, oh God! What was I thinking?

“You’re not dead you know,” he said. “Aurelia? Can you hear me?”

She groaned and nodded, she hoped that it was her parents, just some proof that they cared. “I should be dead…” she mused quizzicly, “why aren’t I dead?" She barely remembered him being there, had he saved her? The proud look on his face when he saw her turn her head told her so. "Where am I?"

“Psych ward at the hospital.”

"My parents?"

"At the bar."

She rolled her eyes, "no big news to me.” She yawned, getting tired again. The beeping of the monitor like a lullaby.

“Sleep Aurelia,” he ordered. She sighed and gave in, falling back to sleep.

Her parents signed her out two days later, and then everything went back to normal. Except she had to go see a counceler every Tuesday and she wasn't allowed to drive. Her parents didn't care if she went or not, so Thomas drove her.

Tuesdays after Tuesdays passed, the therapy didn't do as much for her as the rides there. Therapy was trying to figure out why she loved Joshua so much, the rides there were her falling in love with Thomas.

The day she realized that was one of the best days of her life, at the same day it was the worst. Unless she counted the day she tried to kill herself, but she didn't, that was the day the happy came back into her life.

They were sitting out in her back yard, him up in the tree like he loved to do when they were younger, and her in the tire swing. "Wanna go swimming?" she asked wanting something to do to occupy her mind.

“Your suits in Columbia Central,” he pointed out, “whatcha gonna swim in?"

Her only response was a grin. She started walking to the diving board. Slowly sliping off her tank top, exposing her bra, then her skirt. The sensible part of her scholded her for doing that, but she ignored it. After all what was wrong with it? Not like her bathing suit wasn't smaller.

She could sense him following her and she turned and smiled to him, "are you going to dive in too?"

Without waiting for him to respond she kept walking. Her step was too close to the edge and she slipped. Her body crashed into the cement shaking her to the core. Her head landed on her arm, sending her a massive shock through it. She was just far enough over the edge that she slid in, the friction breaking through the numbness that the crash had created.

She opened her mouth to gasp as the water touched her broken skin, but instead of air she was met with water. Wildly she flailed around, trying to find her way up, her way out. But couldn't find it, she didn't know which way was up, which way was down, which direction she wanted to go.

A new pain formed in her ribs. It came on so swiftly and so suddenly everything came back into focus. She was being dragged up, towards the sunlight, towards the top of the water.

She resurfaced, gasping for breath and clinging to the strong arms holding her. Thomas's arms she realized slowly as he pulled her out.

"Aurelia!" he said, "can you hear me?"

She nodded, but the effort caused pain to raidate through her neck and spine. Tears spilled out of her eyes as all the pain in her body seemed to be amplified and moving her right arm slightly made her want to scream. He lifted her under her arms and pulled her to her feet. "Come on, I'll get you a blanket and then I'm taking you to the hospital."

"I don't need to go to the hospital," she protested, "really I don't."

"You're all scraped up, your arm's probably broken, so are a couple of your ribs, and I know it hurt when you nodded. You're going to the hospital."

She protested all the way to the hospital. But was in enough pain that she knew that whatever they'd do would help.

"You've got a broken arm, no broken ribs though," the doctor told her.

"What about my neck?"

"It's fine," he explained, "it'll stop hurting in a day or two. You won't need to wear a neck brace. Hop down and we'll go get you a cast."

On the ride home she stared morbidly at her cast, "I still want to go swimming," she pouted.

"We'll watch a movie about swimming instead then, would that work?" Thomas offered.

I smiled and turned to him, "that would work."

A half hour later they pulled into her drive way. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, "you make popcorn, I'll set up the living room."

"Alright."

She went into the living room and closed all the curtians, picked out a movie and put it in just as Thomas returned holding a bowl of popcorn. She smiled and sat on the couch next to him, leaning on his slightly.

"Comfy?" he asked teasingly.

"Yup," she responded.

He laughed and reached forward and grabbed the bowl of popcorn. She felt more content than she ever had before. More content than she had felt before Joshua broke her heart, made her friends hate her, and made her public enemy number one. Except for with Thomas.

The scars on her wrist were just that, scars. Memories of her past and how Thomas had been there with her through it all, picking up the shattered pieces of her heart and super-gluing them back together. The only peice missing was the peice he carried with him, weither he knew it or not. She was sure he didn't know, he wasn't quite hers.

Hey Alice! You're right, this isn't your best work but I think you're working with a good base and you could build it up into something stronger. Now, I'm going to start with the title. You need something shorter really, something that does more than tell your reader what the story is about. Have a think about it and consider what it is you want your reader to feel or think when they read this. Then here's a few quick suggestions -

I couldn’t hear Thomas shout my name, but I could barely make out his face through the fog, and barely guessed that’s what he was shouting. [I think this could be phrased better. Maybe 'Though the words could not penetrate the thick fog that hung like a barrier between us, I could just about make out Thomas' face and what other four syllable word would he be shouting?' or just something that doesn't repeat barely and maybe adds a touch more description.]

I knew it wasn’t fair to do that to him, and he was the only thing that got me this far. ['Thing' is rather derogative and you're trying to present the strong emotion Aurellia feels for Thomas throughout this short story so maybe person would work better?]

The mist and haze was clouding over my eyes. [Maybe this would be smoother as 'The mist and haze were clouding my vision.']

I welcomed the oblivion that killed the intense stinging growing in my wrists. [I think you should add some more description here. You don't want to be too obvious but you want the reader to start to realise where she's hurt, how severe the wound is and where she is.]

The darkness enveloped me and I knew I was dead. Well I thought I was dead, because apparently I wasn’t. [I think the second sentence could be re-phrased, maybe 'Or rather I thought I was dead but that was apparently another misconception in my wretched life.']

Just sick Thomas on me some more. [I don't like this line but I'm not really sure how you could improve it.]

I rolled my eyes, no big news to me.” [What's with the random speech mark? A typo I think?]

My lungs ached [s]for[/s] with the need for air, but the conscious part of my brain shut my lungs off.

He laughed and practically picked me up getting me vertical. ['Getting me vertical' is a little too slang. It's good that your character has a natural tone of voice and seems young but don't go too far, try to avoid using too much colloquial language, especially when you're not writing speech.]

When Thomas returned again he [s]sat[/s] set a bowl of popcorn on the table and handed me two aspirins and a glass of water.

“Thanks,” I said, hurriedly swallowing the pills and the water. [Comma here perhaps?] “I feel better now.”

______________________________

Okay, now more generally. I think you need to make this more dramatic. At the moment, the reader finds it hard to associate with the persona, partly because you have given her no reason to want to commit suicide. Give the reader more hints of her background and try to show her pain better. Extend the beginning. Use shorter sentences when you have action and to show a disorientation in your persona. Remember that your style of writing is just as important as the content.

Then, to add more characterization, write a scene with more interaction between the characters and describe that scene. And I don't just mean speech. Include their actions, how they speak, how they look, how they're dressed even. If you want to show a connection between these two characters, you have to spend longer developing them.

Try to keep the five senses in mind when you're writing. In fact, read through this and ask yourself, do you have sight - what can the characters see around them? Do you have smell - is one of your character's maybe wearing perfume, has it just rained and there's the smell of damp etc. Have you considered what can be heard? Maybe there's a person mowing the lawn in the garden next to then so they have to move closer to hear each other. Or perhaps the birds can be heard or the chatter of neighbours? Did you include touch? Does the porch feel hot, warmed by the sun or is it cold and shaded? Can they feel each others breath as they speak, do their hands brush against each other, when he helps her inside, how does his body feel against hers? And finally taste. Usually not quite as important but a good way to show the passage of time is to have them eating or sometimes you can mix senses and say 'there was a taste of fear in the air' for example or in your story, maybe she swallows some of the water?

Have a think about that and let me know if you make any edits so I can give you more advice. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

I felt my body crash into the cement, heard my skull crack on the corner and I drifted down into the water.

as a compliment, that made me squirm. Just as a note, depending on how hard she hit her head (falling is real bad) she wouldn't notice falling into the water, and would drown without being conscious at all. Which would technically stop the narration until she woke back up--perhaps you should consider third person? I will speak more on this later.


The Woes of First Person

With stuff like this people always want to write in the first person--well, they shouldn't. First person is "selfish" person, but beyond that it is also the speaker navel gazing. Instead of making the reader aware, and feel, it's all "I...I...I..." and goes into this thoughtful place, rather than what the reader cares about. It also easily leads into moaning, which...doesn't go over well. Some people can pull of the first person; most people [myself included!] can't. You may want to consider putting it in third person. Having a distant view of the events will help you as a writer, too.

Conflict

This doesn't start with much conflict, really. You might think it is (oh no she might die!) but really... it isn't there. The ending gushes conflict: she loves him, he doesn't know it, and he is the reason she lives. That's great. The problem? It's at the end of this part. It should be at the beginning. Which means you need to let us know that at the beginning. I also think your whole thing is conflictless, and it moves all too fast. She goes from killing herself, to swimming, to being at the pool. You've also made me laugh (figurativly) at the way time passes--and pain.

If someone hits their head that way they'll usually have a concussion. (I used to have seizures if I injured myself in such a way--but that isn't everyone) That means she needs to go to the hospital. And the pain will be unbelievable, and she will be crying if not bleeding, and her ears will be ringing, and she might throw up from the pain. Your portrayal is more like she fell on carpet, or something. True I've fallen on wooden stairs and not been too bad off, but concrete and direct head-hitting is bad. Not get up and walk bad, but lie down screaming bad. So, fix that, and you seriously need to fix your time line.

I think what I would suggest for you to do is to write out what you want to happen. You might not be someone who does outlines, but if you've never tried it, go for it. I finally started doing outlines when I was your age--now I need them to write. If you have the ideas in your head, map them out, and go into the details, and the conflict, and all of that. Jot down dialogue you think of, and descriptions. Anything. But mapping it out might help you. Consider beating your characters up, or rather, sicking your fingers into their brains and hunting. Seriously. Ask them questions. What was their childhood like? Who were they friends with? What do they want to do when they grow up? Why? What do they think of school? What matters most to them? Why? Figure out things about them. You're a teenager--you know what being one is like. Make it realistic, not bland. Don't do what you think the story should be like, do what it is.

Also, as to the first suicide scene, I think that was also a bit fake. I've never tried to kill myself, but I've had times where sanity isn't something I've got (never with death on the mind, but it is similar, I would assume) and this wasn't much like it. She was too...careless. Afterwards, in the hospital, she would either be upset, or just real tired. And I'm pretty sure that if she tried to kill herself she would be in the psych ward of the hospital, and she isn't allowed to be released unless her parents sign her out. Her parents might want her in it, since their own daughter--love of their life--tried to kill herself.


Just think on what you have. This is bones of a story--but bones is better than blank paper. Best of luck! And if you have any questions for need anything, you know you can contact me.

Massively edited!!!!

Hey, Alzz!

This was a good start. This could really turn into something. No grammar errors, just the whole plot basically.

Spend more time with each different section. For the first part, start it clearer. Because I had NO idea what was going on until they were in the hospital.

Ok, so slow it down. I would write a whole 2 pages on each of the different sections.

- 2 pages trying to kill herself.

-2 pages at the hosipital. The parents need to be involved. For heaven's sake, their daughter tried to kill herself! I think that they can resist alchohol for a second, you know?

-2 pages swimming and hurting

-2 pages at the hospital. Parents need to be there.

-2 pages watching the swimming movie.

If you total that up that is 12 pages. Pretty good sized little story there!

Good luck! Continue editing and writing!

BBB

Hey, Alice. Since you've edited, I'm not going to check the other two reviews to see if I repeated anything, so forgive me if I do. ^_^

Oh, and it's kind of late, so forgive me if anything doesn't make sense too.

She glanced down at herself and saw her wrists, and the severity of what she had done suddenly hit her, [period instead] [s]oh[/s] Oh God! What was I thinking?

“You’re not dead, [?] you know,” he said. “Aurelia? Can you hear me?”

She groaned and nodded, [period instead] “I should be dead…” she mused quizzicly, [period instead] “[s]why[/s] Why aren’t I dead?"

She barely remembered him being there, [period instead] [s]had[/s] Had he saved her?

She rolled her eyes, "no big news to me.” She yawned, getting tired again. The beeping of the monitor like a lullaby.

She rolled her eyes. "No big news to me." She yawned, completely exhausted, the beeping of the monitor acting as a lullaby.

“Sleep, Aurelia,” he ordered.

Her parents signed her out two days later, and then everything went back to normal. Except she had to go see a [s]counceler[/s] counselor every Tuesday, and she wasn't allowed to drive.

Either combine the two sentences or replace that underlined word with something else. However might work. ^_^

[s]Tuesdays after Tuesdays[/s] Tuesday after Tuesday passed, and the therapy didn't do as much for her as the rides there. Therapy was trying to figure out why she loved Joshua so much, [semicolon?] the rides there were her falling in love with Thomas.

The day she realized that was one of the best days of her life, at the same day it was the worst.

The day she realized that it was one of the best days of her life, it also happened to be the worst.

Unless she counted the day she tried to kill herself, but she didn't, [didn't what? kill herself or count that day? Period instead, too ^^] that was the day the happy came back into her life.

They were sitting out in her back yard, him up in the tree like he loved to do when they were younger, and her in the tire swing.

They were sitting out in her backyard [one word], him up in the tree as he did when they were younger, and her in the tire swing.

"Wanna go swimming?" she asked, wanting something to do to occupy her mind.

“Your suits in Columbia Central,” he pointed out, [period instead] “[s]whatcha[/s] Whatcha gonna swim in?"

She started walking to the diving board. [comma instead] Slowly [s]sliping[/s] slipping off her tank top, exposing her bra, then her skirt.

The sensible part of her [s]scholded[/s] scolded her for doing that, but she ignored it. After all, what was wrong with it?

She could sense him following her and she turned and smiled to him, [period instead] "[s]are[/s] Are you going to dive in too?"

Without waiting for him to respond, she kept walking.

Her body crashed into the cement, shaking her to the core. Her head landed on her arm, sending her a massive shock [s]through it[/s].

[s]Wildly[/s] she flailed around, trying to find her way up, her way out.

It came on so swiftly and so suddenly, everything came back into focus. She was being dragged up, [no comma] towards the sunlight, towards the top of the water.

Thomas's arms she realized slowly as he pulled her out.

She slowly realized this? Or did his arms slowly pull her up?

"Aurelia!" he said, [period instead] "[s]can[/s] Can you hear me?"

She nodded, but the effort caused pain to [s]raidate[/s] radiate through her neck and spine.

"I don't need to go to the hospital," she protested, [period instead] "[s]really[/s] Really, I don't."

"You're all scraped up, your arm's probably broken, [s]so are[/s] maybe even a couple of your ribs, and I know it hurt when you nodded. You're going to the hospital."

She protested all the way to the hospital. [comma instead] But was in enough pain that she knew that whatever they'd do would help.

"It's fine," he explained, [period instead] "[s]it'll[/s] It'll stop hurting in a day or two.

Hop down and we'll go get you a cast."

Wouldn't the doctors want her to take it easy? I mean, she cashed her head. She probably needs some rest, not to hop down from the hospital bed.

On the ride home, she stared morbidly at her cast, [period instead] "I still want to go swimming," she pouted.

"We'll watch a movie about swimming instead, then, [period instead] [s]would[/s] Would that work?" Thomas offered.

I smiled and turned to him, [period instead] "[s]that[/s] That would work."

A half hour later, they pulled into her [s]drive way[/s] driveway. She unlocked the door and pushed it open, [period instead] "[s]you[/s] You make popcorn, I'll set up the living room."

Can you set up a living room? Or do you mean set up the movie?

She went into the living room, [s]and[/s] closed all the curtians, picked out a movie, and put it in just as Thomas returned, holding a bowl of popcorn.

She smiled and sat on the couch next to him, leaning on [s]his[/s] him slightly.

The only [s]peice[/s] piece missing was the [s]peice[/s] piece he carried with him, [s]weither[/s] whether he knew it or not. She was sure he didn't know, [dash instead?] he wasn't quite hers.

That's all the grammar/spelling issues I found (at the moment, hehe). It was a good story, though. IT was very interesting. At the swimming pool part, I couldn't believe you let her slip and break her arm. Gah, what were you thinking? Lol, but it was good. You did very well.

I understood what happened the entire time. Work on character development is needed. There are certainly parts where you can say Thomas' green eyes looked down at her, or maybe her thoughts went to Joshua and how he broke her heart (then in a sentence or two, you can simply explain the outline of what happened between them). Don't spend an eternity in the beginning, explaining what happened between her and Joshua. That will bore the reader, but putting a sentence here or there will certainly work and the reader will get a basic idea of what happened. ^_^

At the moment, Thomas seems to be somewhat like an older sibling. *is one* He watches over the MC, takes care of her, and isn't as outgoing as her. If that's what you're looking for in Thomas, then you nailed it.

Watch the doctor. I pointed out up there at one point that may need revision. If someone slips and falls and hurts their head that badly, the doctor will want her to rest, not hop out of bed.

I have to go, but if you want any more advice for character development or anything, just contact me. I'd be more than happy to help.

Keep writing! You're doing great!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Okay, so everyone has done the grammar and things already, I don't think you need to know it all over again, and to tell the truth, I'm too tired.

It's a nice idea, but I think that you need to stretch it out. It's just one minute she's committing suicide, the next she's at counselling, the next she's swimming. It reminds of Stephenie Meyer, the way she just hurts herself so easily and is taken to the hospital like it's something that happens everyday. I don't know, maybe it is for some people. But I think you need to expand. There are pieces of good writing in between the rest (which isn't bad, by the way, but it's leaning from good towards average), you obviously have the talent to go back, edit it again and make it perfect. Stretch things out, like BBB said. Things don't just happen quickly. They take time. There are bits I really liked and bits that made me go "Huh"?

Don't lose faith though!