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Jean



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Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:00 pm
LoveableLittleSock says...



Jean

Luc bit his tongue as he strode over to his locker. No crying, he told himself. The last thing you need is to be sent home again. A tear escaped from his eye and he wiped it off hastily. His hand reached for the lock and held it steadily while entering his combination.

Vivienne held her books tightly, eyes wandering over to her watch every couple of seconds. She ran her hand through her glossy blonde hair and anxiously and bit her lip. Glancing at her watch once more, she raised her eyebrows. One minute to class – she wouldn’t make it.

Finally, I got it open. Luc swung open his locker, only to have something immediately crash into it. He looked down to see a girl lying on the floor, books scattered everywhere. “Crap!” Vivienne moaned painfully and grabbed her head with both hands.

She looked up at her attacker, who stretched out his hand. She took it and grabbed his shoulders for balance, her heels not cooperating with her current mission to stand up. “I’m so sorry.” The boy apologized. “I didn’t see you. I – I was distracted and I…” He rubbed his temples stressfully. “Are you alright?” Vivienne nodded and let go of him hesitantly.

She smiled. “Yeah, thank you.” Luc nodded and bent down to help the girl pick up her books. “I’m Vivienne.” He smiled and shook her hand.

“I’m Luc. It’s a pleasure, Viv.” She nodded and took her math book off the floor, hugging it to her chest. Her hand flew to her forehead once more, massaging it gently. “Again, I’m so sorry about that.” Luc apologized once more.

Vivienne smiled and swiped the last folder off the floor. “No worries.” She and Luc got up from the floor and she shook his hand. “It was nice meeting you.” Luc smiled.

“Likewise.”

Without notice, a loud bell suddenly ran through the school. “I’m late!” She screamed, speeding through the hallways while clutching her books for dear life.

Luc gave out a quiet laugh and got up, dragging his feet to his homeroom. The door squeaked as he entered, and he stepped inside casually as the announcements for the day flooded the room. “Basketball practice is cancelled for today; the Art Club will be meeting this afternoon in room 213… Students don’t forget to donate money to our local wildlife refuge! The donation box is located near the main office.” He sighed. Nothing new.

The announcer cleared her throat and shuffled some papers. “Will Vivienne Martin and Luc LeFevre come see Mademoiselle Goldman in her office? Thank you.” Luc sighed and got up, wondering what the principal would want from him on his first day back. He gathered his things and made his way down to the office.

Reaching his destination, Luc walked into the main office and knocked on a large, wooden door that possessed a golden name plate, reading “Mademoiselle Goldman, Directeur.” He invited himself in and saw Vivienne seated in one of the two chairs. She waved to him cheerfully and turned back around to face the principal.

Luc dropped his books on the floor and sat down next to his peer. “Hey, Madame G. Ça va?” Ms. Goldman nodded in his direction and cleared her throat, settling into her chair.

“Both of you know that you are the top students at this school, and I would like you to know that I am very proud of you.” Both students sat up straighter. Beautiful, she wanted something from them.

“I’m sure that you have heard about a boy that, due to an unfortunate accident, will not be attending school for the rest of the year.”

“What accident?” Luc asked.

“I’m afraid that’s confidential. Anyway, Mr. Devereux – the father - has already paid for a full year of his son’s education here at Saint Gerard’s, and so his son deserves to be tutored by our schools brightest students.” Ah, so she wanted them to tutor a kid.

Vivienne cleared her throat. “Mademoiselle,” she began. “I’m afraid that due to my busy schedule that I will not be able to tutor this Devereux boy.” Mrs. Goldman opened her mouth to say something. “But!” her eyes wandered over to Luc, “I’m sure Luc has time in the day to spare.”

“Don’t waste your breath.” Vivienne’s eyes narrowed. “I belong to every single club and team that my schedule can handle. If anyone, you should tutor the kid.” His peer scoffed at him. Before she could say anything, Ms. Goldman interjected her.

“You both,” she breathed, “will tutor Jean. Cut some things out of your plans, I don’t care.” She took a deeper breath. “All I know is that doing this will count as a major community service project, and many colleges will look at that.”

Both students sighed. “How long would we have to be with him?” Vivienne asked.

“As long as you need to be. Here,” she opened a drawer hidden in her desk and pulled out a couple of folders. “This is the material you are to teach him for the week.” She handed the folders over to Vivienne, pulling out some more papers from her desk. She retrieved to envelopes, giving one to each student.

“These are for your parents to read, so they are informed about what you will be doing.”

00000
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389 Reviews



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Reviews: 389
Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:26 pm
SeraphTree says...



:D

Luc bit his tongue as he strode over to his locker. No crying, he told himself. The last thing you need is to be sent home again. A tear escaped from his eye and he wiped it off hastily. His hand reached for the lock and held it steadily while entering his combination.

This sounds a little odd for a guy. I mean, I would expect him to be a bit more macho/prideful about this. Of course, that is a stereotype, so... :D Please enlighten us. :D:D

Vivienne held her books tightly, eyes wandering over to her watch every couple of seconds. She ran her hand through her glossy blonde hair and anxiously and bit her lip. Glancing at her watch once more, she raised her eyebrows. One minute to class – she wouldn’t make it.

?? This doesn't make any sense. Why won't she make it to class? Why is she just standing there watching the time?
Also, you completely switched characters on us. Please choose one as your MC, and please give more info on both. They both are sounding very similar at the moment. ;)

Finally, I got it open. Luc swung open his locker, only to have something immediately crash into it. He looked down to see a girl lying on the floor, books scattered everywhere. “Crap!” Vivienne moaned painfully and grabbed her head with both hands.

The bold is in first person while the rest is in third.
This seems a bit dramatic for running into a locker. I mean, unless she was walking really fast, or Luc was mad and slammed open his locker, I don't think this reaction is realistic. ;) Maybe she scares easily...? That would make more sense to me, but hey. :D

She looked up at her attacker, who stretched out his hand. She took it and grabbed his shoulders for balance, her heels not cooperating with her current mission to stand up. “I’m so sorry.” The boy apologized. “I didn’t see you. I – I was distracted and I…” He rubbed his temples stressfully. “Are you alright?” Vivienne nodded and let go of him hesitantly.

Again, this seems a bit unrealistic. Give us some more thought bubbles/background, and what's going on! :D

“I’m Luc. It’s a pleasure, Viv.” She nodded and took her math book off the floor, hugging it to her chest. Her hand flew to her forehead once more, massaging it gently. “Again, I’m so sorry about that.” Luc apologized once more.

Luc calling her 'Viv' seems a bit too friendly for an aquaintance. ;)

Without notice, a loud bell suddenly ran through the school. “I’m late!” She screamed, speeding through the hallways while clutching her books for dear life.

Again, 'screamed' is a bit much. :D

The announcer cleared her throat and shuffled some papers. “Will Vivienne Martin and Luc LeFevre come see Mademoiselle Goldman in her office? Thank you.” Luc sighed and got up, wondering what the principal would want from him on his first day back. He gathered his things and made his way down to the office.

This is too conveniant. 'I don't want to go to class, and hey! The principal just called me.' ;) Give us some suspense. We need a struggle.

Luc dropped his books on the floor and sat down next to his peer. “Hey, Madame G. Ça va?” Ms. Goldman nodded in his direction and cleared her throat, settling into her chair.

The bold doesn't make any sense. She's either married or she isn't. ;)

“I’m sure that you have heard about a boy that, due to an unfortunate accident, will not be attending school for the rest of the year.”

“What accident?” Luc asked.

“I’m afraid that’s confidential. Anyway, Mr. Devereux – the father - has already paid for a full year of his son’s education here at Saint Gerard’s, and so his son deserves to be tutored by our schools brightest students.” Ah, so she wanted them to tutor a kid.


I'm sure you've heard about a confidential accident??? ;)
You switch tenses again. "They" instead of "he/she." One or the other. :)

Vivienne cleared her throat. “Mademoiselle,” she began. “I’m afraid that due to my busy schedule that I will not be able to tutor this Devereux boy.” Mrs. Goldman opened her mouth to say something. “But!” her eyes wandered over to Luc, “I’m sure Luc has time in the day to spare.”

??? Why is Vivienne trying to get out of this? We need more thoughts from your MC!!!

“Don’t waste your breath.” Vivienne’s eyes narrowed. “I belong to every single club and team that my schedule can handle. If anyone, you should tutor the kid.” His peer scoffed at him. Before she could say anything, Ms. Goldman interjected her.

WHOA!!! What happened to the 'I'm sorry I hit you in the face/that's okay' nice people? Now they're out to get eachother! MORE THOUGHTS SI VOUS PLAIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You both,” she breathed, “will tutor Jean. Cut some things out of your plans, I don’t care.” She took a deeper breath. “All I know is that doing this will count as a major community service project, and many colleges will look at that.”

I don't understand this reaction. Why is she even putting up with this?

Overall, I think you can do better with this. You keep switching between Vivienne and Luc, and we have no depth with either of them at all. We never found out why Luc was crying, or why Vivienne was late for her class.
My suggestion is that you think of the point of your story. What do you want us to feel for these characters? What do you want the characters to feel?
More details background, and clarity! Towards the end I couldn't tell who was talking to who.
Questions, comments, snide remarks.... feel free to PM me. :D Keep writing mon ami.:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson
  








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