Young Writers Society

Summer at Grandmas 2

Riley sat on the bench, his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands. Why, why, why? He screamed in his mind. Why are they doing this to me?

The train rolled up and he knew he could get on it. It wasn’t the train he was waiting for, but if he got on it, he’d never be troubled again. He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him- no words, just a shriek.

He stood up and turned around to see her. Wow, he thought, she’s changed an awful lot. He didn't like how she looked now. Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders and pinned in some stupid odd-fashioned way. Her clothes weren’t her rugged blue jeans and tank top, but a mini-skirt and high heels.

“Riley!” she shouted and threw herself at him, he had to catch her in the hug or she would’ve fallen onto the tracks.

“Smooth, Amanda,” he teased letting go of her.

She curtsied and motioned for her friend to come up next to her. “This is Aurelia.”

“Hi,” he said simply, glancing her over. He found nothing particularly spectacular about her, except that she looked more like Amanda should. Torn blue jeans, tank top, jacket thrown casually over it, and a heavy duffle bag thrown over her shoulder. Nothing spectacular about her, nothing to give him any reason to look at her further, so he sat down on the bench next to Amanda.

Amanda had other ideas though. Claiming to have a chocolate craving, she walked away, leaving Riley and Aurelia alone. They sat in silence for a moment before she muttered, “Hi.” Her eyes screamed confidence but her voice wavered in that two letter one syllable word, and it looked like her hands were shaking.

"Hi," he replied, staring at the tracks and picturing Claire's face. He hoped that the poor girl would get the hint and not try anything rash.

“Not too excited about going up there are ya?” she asked her more confidently.

Riley shrugged. “Not really.”

“Why not?”

“I’m losing my summer.” She turned and faced him; he could see the slight dip of her shirt out of the corner of his eye and had to turn to face her. He was only a guy after all, could he help it?

“You’re not losing your summer,” she said with a clever tone to her voice. “Just your summer plans.”

Smart-ass he thought. “What are you sacrificing in order to come up with us?”

“A summer of watching my best friend and my ex-boyfriend making out.”

“I know the feeling,” he cringed. “Just coming up to get away?”

She nodded, “pretty much. So what were your great summer plans?”

“Sit in my room and stare at the ceiling.”

She rolled her eyes. “Some summer plans.”

Riley found himself explaining to her what had happened: how his girlfriend had fallen in love with his best friend and his best friend probably fell in love with her. He hadn’t wanted to break up with her, but he did because he wanted more than anything for her to be happy. That conversation morphed into conversations about sports, and books, movies, music and everything else that mattered.

They had to stop their conversation when the train rolled into the station. Maybe this won’t suck as much as I thought it was gonna. He hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda, and went to go get a box.

awesome! I cant wait for part 3, is it just me or are Riley and Amanda's friend gonna hook up? i still think this is gonna make an awesome story and cant wait for more! but why did Reily break up with Claire i would feel a lot worse for him if he was dumped, not that i don't feel bat for him now. and dose reily think Amanda's friend is super hot? or ugly? or average? this will affect certain things.. thanks for writing more!

I Like I like, can't wait for more. Tell me when. I think they are going to MADD. I hope they are going to it seems like they will. I guess we will see.

"Smooth Amanda," I said.

Should be, "Smooth, Amanda," Riley said.

He didn't like the way she looked now, with her hair in some odd fashioned way

Did you mean "old-fashioned"?

Other than that, I think it's good.

Hey, Alice! I would have gotten to this about three hours sooner if my parents didn't kidnap me. ^^ I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you by giving you a nice long crit.

[s]He kept asking himself why.[/s] Why, why, why? He screamed in his mind. Why are they doing this to me?

It's obvious he's asking himself why.

The train rolled up, and he knew he could get on it, [period] [s]it[/s] It wasn’t the train he was waiting for, but if he got on it, he’d never be troubled again

He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him, no words, just a shriek.

He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him—no words, just a shriek. << the big dash! It makes reading sentences like this one easier to read. You can make this in MS Word by using -- and it will automatically make it a big one. Any questions on how to do this, just PM me. ^^

He didn’t like how she looked now, her usually pony-tailed hair let lose over her shoulders and pinned in some stupidly odd fashioned way.

He didn't like how she looked now. Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders and pinned in some stupid old-fashioned way.

“Riley!” she shouted and threw herself at him, he had to catch her in [s]her[/s] the hug, or she would’ve fallen onto the tracks.

“Smooth, Amanda,” I teased, letting go of her.

She curtsied and motioned for her friend to come up next to her, [a period instead] “This is Aurelia.”

Pretty name.

“Hi,” he said simply, glancing her over.

Amanda had other ideas though, [period] claiming to have a chocolate craving, she walked away.[comma, lol] Leaving Riley and Aurelia alone.

They sat in silence for a moment, [delete comma] before she spoke up, [would 'muttered' or 'squeaked' be better?] “hi.” [capitalize ^^] Her eyes screamed confidence, but her voice wavered in that two letter-one syllable word, and it looked like her hands were shaking.

...two letter, one syllable word...

“Hi,” he replied simply, just staring at the tracks, picturing Claire’s face. Hoping that the poor girl would get the hint and keep her mouth shut.

I'm thinking it's typos since the period and comma buttons are right next to each other. "Hi," he replied, staring at the tracks and picturing Claire's face. He hoped that the poor girl would get the hint and not try anything rash.

“Not too excited about going up there, are ya?” she asked more [s]her voice more [/s] confidently.

Riley shrugged, “not really.”

Riley shrugged. "Not really."

She turned and faced him; he could see the slight dip of her shirt out of the corner of his eye and had to turn to face her.

A period is sufficient. ^^

“You’re not losing your summer,” she said with a clever tone to her voice, “just your summer plans.”

...voice. "Just your summer..."

Smart-ass, he thought, [period] “[s]what[/s] What are you sacrificing in order to come up with us?”

“I know the feeling,” he said and cringed, [period] “[s]so just[/s] Just coming up to get away?”

She rolled her eyes, [period] “[s]some[/s] Some summer plans.”

Riley found himself explaining to her what had happened, [colon?] how his girlfriend had fallen in love with his best friend, and his best friend probably fell in love with her.

He hadn’t wanted to break up with her, but he did because he wanted more than anything for her to be happy [s]more than anything[/s].

That conversation morphed into conversations about sports, and books, and movies, and music, and everything else that mattered.

[s]And then he[/s] He hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda, and went to go get a box.

Yay! This is a good story. ^^ I enjoy reading it, and you're doing very well. There's not much else to comment on. Just keep writing. You're doing great.

Jabber, the One and Only!

What up Author ^o^V

The train rolled up and he knew he could get on it, it wasn’t the train he was waiting for, but if he got on it he’d never be troubled again. He almost stood up to do so when he heard Amanda’s girly squeal from behind him, no words, just a shriek.

Please break up the first sentence.

“Hi,” he said simply glancing her over. He found nothing particularly spectacular about her, except that she looked more like Amanda should. Torn blue jeans, tank top, jacket thrown casually over it, and a heavy duffle bag thrown over her shoulder. Nothing spectacular about her, nothing to give him any reason to look at her further, so he sat down on the bench next to Amanda.

Here it was a bit confusing, because I couldn't tell if Riley was talking or Aureilia. Just a little clarification.

“You’re not losing your summer,” she said with a clever tone to her voice, “just your summer plans.”

I imagine her being a litte more smart-alek about this, i.e. "No, you're just losing all those hours on video games, scaring people off the street...." etc.

They had to stop their conversation when the train rolled into the station. Maybe this won’t suck as much as I thought it was gonna. And then he hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda and went to go get a box.

This is a bit confusing. Didn't a train already come...? Please clarify

Overall, pretty interesting. Aureilia seems like an interesting character. Please keep going with this.

Hey good job. I could only catch one error where you switched perspectives at the beginning.

“Smooth, Amanda,” I teased letting go of her.

This was all I noticed.

Good job. I'm hooked now.

I heard you rewrote this, and it has greatly improved. There were a couple spots that I cursed myself for missing. So this is really an extension of my previous critique.

Why, why, why? [s]He[/s] he screamed in his mind. Why are they doing this to me?

If you had quotes around his thoughts, you'd lowercase 'he' so it should be lowercased when it comes to thoughts as well, even if MS Word doesn't think so.

Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders...

Ponytail is one word.

“Riley!” she shouted and threw herself at him, [period] [s]he[/s] He had to catch her in the hug or she would’ve fallen onto the tracks.

Nothing spectacular about her, [period?] nothing to give him any reason to look at her further, so he sat down on the bench next to Amanda.

Her eyes screamed confidence but her voice wavered in that two letter, one syllable word...

“Not too excited about going up there are ya?” she asked [s]her[/s] more confidently.

She nodded, “[s]pretty[/s] Pretty much. So what were your great summer plans?”

That conversation morphed into conversations about sports, and books, movies, music, and everything else that mattered.

That's pretty much all I found. I can't believe I missed some of that. That's kind of frustrating for me and you.

However, it was improved and I was most impressed when I saw it again. Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey Alice,

I've been wanting to critique this one for ages, so here I go.

Riley sat on [s]the[/s] bench, his elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands.

I believe the articel should be indefinete in this case for the bench hasn't been mentioned before.

[s]The[/s]A train rolled up and he knew he could get on it.

Same here.

He didn't like how she looked now. Her usual pony-tail was let down over her shoulders and pinned in some stupid odd-fashioned [I stumbled over this word. And I'm not sure what it implies. Maybe change it to something else?]way. Her clothes weren’t her [maybe put a 'usual' here to emphasize the change? (just a suggestion.)]rugged blue jeans and tank top, but a mini-skirt and high heels.

I really like the way you describe Amanda's change and how Riley reacts.

He found nothing particularly spectacular about her, except that she looked more like Amanda should. [I really like this line!]

“Not too excited about going up there are ya?” she asked [s]her[/s]him more confidently.

She nodded, “pretty much. So what were your great summer plans?”

“Sit in my room and stare at the ceiling.”

She rolled her eyes. “Some summer plans.”

Lovely!

Maybe this won’t suck as much as I thought it was gonna [I suggest using 'going to' in this case.]. He hopped onto the train behind Aurelia and Amanda, and went to go get a box. [I don't get the last sentence.]

I really enjoyed reading this and I'm looking forward to the next part, so please post it

Keep it up & all the best

~Kalli