Young Writers Society

July 19th 2007.

A young woman named Charlie Windsor sat in the first row at the church. She wore a beautiful, elegant pink strapless dress that fell just below her knees. Her perfect blonde hair fell just right below her small shoulders as she listened her her father say his vows to his new bride.

"I promise to love you forever. Through sickness and health. For richer or poorer. Forever and ever. Amen."

His new bride Julie Stokes repeated the same words. "I promise to love you forever. Through sickness and health. For richer or poorer. Forever and ever. Amen."

Her father, Special agent Don Windsor of the F.B.I. He could be a good man, when is came to his women friends. But never his daughter. Charlie's mother, Nora, had died in childbirth. Don blamed Charlie for this. He used to hit her all the time whenever he get mad at work, or just when he was missing Nora. Charlie knew deep down inside that her father never really completely changed. She could see it in his eyes just like she could when he was down on top of her hitting her as hard as he could.

But once Charlie left Los Angeles and got her schooling started at New York University, he seemed to change a bit. Maybe it was when he met Julie.

To Charlie, Julie was nothing but a whore who wanted her father's money. No, they weren't a rich family, but they had enough for a woman to come along and get some. It is safe to say that Charlie didn't like her at all. She had only met her once, and considering she was only five years older then Charlie, gave her a fishy feeling in side.

The reception was a scene to be talked about. Charlie had only been there a few minutes when she found her best friend, Chole Davis. The two girl grabbed a table with Chole's boyfriend, Derek, and the girls talked while Derek drank. Charlie also saw her father sip a couple.

"So Charlie" Chole asked "how do you like being back in L.A? When do you plan to back up and move back home?" Chole looked like a five year old asking for another cookie when she asked.

"Umm when I finish school, hopefully. And what about you two?"

Charlie asked, raising an eyebrow at Derek and Chole. "When do you two plan to tie the knot?" She pointed to her half-drunken dad and Julie. "Seems to be all the rage these days".

Derek laughed at her and Chole balled up a napkin and through it at her face.

"How about you a Jake? Any wedding bells in your future?"

Charlie sighed. Why did she have to bring that up? "No, Jake and I are on the rocks and I'm 95% sure I am breaking up with him when I get back to the city".

Chole looked shocked and though he'd never admit it so did Derek. "Really? I thought you two were in it for the long road."

"Yeah, well tell(?) that to him". It was silent for a few moments but then "Shut Up and Drive" by Rhianna came on, and Chole pulled Charlie up out of her chair and dragged her out into the dance floor.

"No, Chole, please!" Charlie begged her friend but she got her up anyways.

The pair were on the dance floor dancing. They were very good and they both looked very sexy. Charlie especially caught the eye of an agent her father works with. She'd had seen him at the service but they had never met.
Special Agent Danny Wright saw the very beautiful women out dancing the second he got in. He new it was his bosses (the groom's) daughter Charlie. He had always had a same crush on her even though that was the first time he ever saw her in person. (Zankoku: ? I'm confused about this sentence, you might want to reword it.) And the first time he laid eyes on her, he knew he wanted her.

Hey, there. ^_^

I liked the content of your chapter, but it didn't really go anywhere and there wasn't much to visualize. I noticed your main issue in this piece is that you tell a lot more than you show, which bores your readers. I'm sure that most people know what it's like to attend a wedding, so you didn't need to explain the basic stuff. Try describing the inside of the church and the emotions running through Charlie's head. Also, for the part where you said that Charlie thinks Julie is a whore, you'll need to elaborate here as well. What has Julie done to make Charlie think of her that way? From what I read, she seemed pretty nice to me. Get me to feel the same way Charlie does.

As for your paragraph about Charlie's mother, it would have probably been better had you described her father's anger, rather than just saying "He used to hit her all the time". Explain what her father felt and how Charlie felt. After that, I'm pretty sure you know how to fix the rest as far as describing goes.

Your second issue is that you rushed it a bit. We went from the wedding straight to the reception in a matter of two minutes, if not less. Try filling in the gaps with what happened between the time AFTER the wedding and BEFORE the reception. Maybe Charlie and Julie got into a little argument or something. Ya know? Try to drag it out a bit. If you've ever attended a wedding, then you know that there is a little bit of time between then and the reception, so show us what happens.

Also, there were a few punctuation and spelling mistakes in there, but I don't think I need to point them out. A little proofreading on your own part will do the trick. ^_^

Nice beginning! Keep writing.

Lurv,
~*Sydney*~

Ditto Sydney. This didn't really have a point, unless it was the beginning of a series [I'm assuming it is] and even so there wasn't much to be impressed with. Where's the drama? Everyone's nightmare at a wedding is for there to be a fight, or something gone drastically wrong. We all wish for perfection.

And, this also seems horridly cliche/fanfiction-y. I mean, does someone really play Rhianna's "Shut Up and Drive" at a wedding? What kind of DJ do they have?

And try to keep the backstory nice and even. It seems that you've shoved a huge chunk of it in the very beginning, and that's all I can focus on. Like, all I get from this Part 1 is that someone married a whore and the narrator is mad about it..? Is that the point?

Keep honing it, put a point into this story, make it longer, and run it through spellcheck a bit more. There were a few grammatical and unnecessary errors. Also, please don't make sidenotes in the middle of the story:

(Zankoku: ? I'm confused about this sentence, you might want to reword it.)

or parenthesis- same paragraph, (the groom's). Anything can be said 'regularly.'

Questions, concerns, clarifications, just message me.

--Serena.

First off the stroy is not even done yet. There will be a lot more drama then that little bit. And about the song, I said in the story the bride was like 26 years old, so yeah. And it was the song I was listen to at the time.
Who cares what song is playing??

It could be just me, but you don't sound too appreciative of what we've said. You posted what you had, and we critiqued it. Nowhere in your story did you say that it was incomplete, and even if, we still gave you advice on how to improve it. It would have been best to have posted the whole complete chapter in the first place, but I understand that you may have wanted us to see how you were doing so far.

And we did. Both PerforatedxHearts and myself told you what you could do to make this better. What was the point of posting this if you didn't want to hear what we had to say? Surely you weren't expecting a long page of praises, I hope. There is always room for improvement, so we pointed them out. A simple "Thank you" would have been nice.

Good luck.

~Sydney

I apoloigize for sounding appreactive. I didn't mean to sound that say.
But I thought it was pretty noticable that it wasnt finished and I cuond not post the entry chapter due to the fact i have a pile of school work and other activites.
And I did not accpect prashies for my work, and I dont miknd you saying stuff about it. i no it needs a lot of work.
But who cares what song is playing at a wedding???
And I do thank you for taking the time out to read it. The both of you and whoever else might read it.

Ditto... white flag!!!!!

Just kidding.
I must agree with Sydstix and xHearts. There is nothing that really grabs us in the beginning.
There are a couple things bugging me:

His new bride Julie Stokes repeated the same words. "I promise to love you forever. Through sickness and health. For richer or poorer. Forever and ever. Amen."

You don't need this dialogue. You can just say "Charlie ignored the sappy vows, looking out the window." I mean, I REALLY don't think she would be paying that close of attention, considering her feelings towards Julie.

He used to hit her all the time whenever he get mad at work, or just when he was missing Nora. Charlie knew deep down inside that her father never really completely changed. She could see it in his eyes just like she could when he was down on top of her hitting her as hard as he could

Okay, if her Dad hit her as hard as he could, 1 someone at school will definitely notice 2 She would be taken away from him, 3 If he's hitting with full force, he could easily kill her. From what I gather, he had been hitting her for most of her life. This is why it's good to specify how long/how hard, etc.
Also, this sounds a bit off. I mean, in the opening you say she is very well groomed, which give the impression that her father fawns over her. Now, if he feels guilty and gives her everything she wants, that would make more sense

The reception was a scene to be talked about. Charlie had only been there a few minutes when she found her best friend, Chole Davis. The two girl grabbed a table with Chole's boyfriend, Derek, and the girls talked while Derek drank. Charlie also saw her father sip a couple.

As previously stated, this is rather sudden. What can do is nix the wedding scene and make it a flash back.
Chole's name is a little confusing. Because of the 'Ch,' I start thinking about Charlie or make it into 'Chloe.' Just letting you know.

Special Agent Danny Wright saw the very beautiful women out dancing the second he got in. He new it was his bosses (the groom's) daughter Charlie. He had always had a same crush on her even though that was the first time he ever saw her in person. (Zankoku: ? I'm confused about this sentence, you might want to reword it.) And the first time he laid eyes on her, he knew he wanted her.

Here, you completely switch characters on us. We don't need to know about him at this point because he is not the MC. It is very disconcerting because we are expecting to know more about Charlie, but it almost randomly cuts off.

Over all, I think you can do better with this. Think about the message you want to convey. Really make us feel something for Charlie. Without thought bubbles, it's really hard to do so.
Questions, comments, snide remarks... PM me. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Thanks! This is just a rough draft that should of never been posted to begin with.
The better copy will be better!!
And the think with Chole and Charlies names still throws me of sometimes too lol!!

No, it's good that it was posted. I mean, when I post my work, I KNOW there are things that are little off, but I just can't see them. That's what crits/friends are for
NP about the names. As long as the characters aren't too similar, it wont be a problem. :D:D

A young woman named Charlie Windsor sat in the first row at the church. She wore a beautiful, elegant pink strapless dress that fell just below her knees. Her perfect blonde hair fell just right below her small shoulders as she listened her her father say his vows to his new bride.

I'm guessing that this paragraph is included to show how beautiful Charlie is. However, it sounds like an infodump. Will it be important later just how her dress looked? Probably not. Half of beauty is perception by other people anyway, so it might be smoother if she was described through someone else's eyes. Or she doesn't even have to be described at all. The reader doesn't have to have a picture in her head to get a sense of Charlie's character.

Her father, Special agent Don Windsor of the F.B.I. He could be a good man, when is came to his women friends.

This sentence makes little to no sense. Take another look at it and let me know if you need further help. The paragraph that follows is definitely an infodump. The information in it is important, yes, because it gives reason for Charlie to be the way she is, but it's told all at once, point blank, with no time for the reader to digest the information. I find myself thinking "alright, I guess we're hearing all about Charlie's background and life story now... let's get on with the story". In short, the details are important, but it'd be more effective if they were streamlined into the story in smaller bits.

The reception was a scene to be talked about. Charlie had only been there a few minutes when she found her best friend, Chole Davis. The two girl grabbed a table with Chole's boyfriend, Derek, and the girls talked while Derek drank. Charlie also saw her father sip a couple.

"So Charlie" Chole asked "how do you like being back in L.A? When do you plan to back up and move back home?" Chole looked like a five year old asking for another cookie when she asked.

This is still unnecessary information. You could easily say "Charlie sat down with her best friend Chole and Chole's boyfriend, Derek. "So Charlie" Chole asked..." It's only important that Chole and Charlie are talking, not how they came to be talking and why they're talking, etc. Of course, something needs to be included to transition it from the previous parts, but not very much.

The pair were on the dance floor dancing. They were very good and they both looked very sexy.

They have perfect character syndrome. This is a bad thing. One character, yes, might be beautiful and sexy and all that, but both of them looking this way makes everything feel fake, with problems interjected just because they seem to be missing, and not because the problems are inherent within the character.

Special Agent Danny Wright saw the very beautiful women out dancing the second he got in. He new it was his bosses (the groom's) daughter Charlie.

You shouldn't need the parentheses here; the description should be able to take care of everything.

He had always had a same crush on her even though that was the first time he ever saw her in person. (Zankoku: ? I'm confused about this sentence, you might want to reword it.) And the first time he laid eyes on her, he knew he wanted her.

I'm confused too; did a friend of yours (Zankoku?) edit this for you and you forgot to delete the comment before posting? I'm also confused about that sentence; you should probably break it down to its barest meaning and reword it.

In general, this is in need of less action and more description. Romantic fiction is about relationships between people at its most basic level, so give more information about how Charlie interacts with people. She is seen talking to Chole (by the way, it's technically spelled Chloe; I don't know if you meant that or if it was a spelling error, but I'll just point it out ^^), but it's more like they're talking at each other than with each other.

I see that this is the beginning of the story. You tried hard to created imagry, which is great. How you introduced the characters was a bit forward, but again, that's always difficult. You definitely have a knack for writing. Keep at it!

Hey! Thanks for that.^^. Your the only one besides my friend to say that. So it means something different coming from a stranger.
Thanks,
Kelsi =)

Nice Try. I would try to fix it up before posting it. Try to make it more interesting so you can draw people in.

-steph

I really think that this piece is fun and has lots of potential but you really need to go back and revise/ edit it. Especially with the spelling. But they were small details and I thought that this was a good story! Don't stop writing about it because I think that I'm already hooked;)! 0(o.o)0

I really like it, just one mistake that annoys me, as it is a pet peeve....

Derek laughed at her and Chole balled up a napkin and through it at her face.

it should be threw...

But other than that, I thought that this story (prologue?) was great, although at times it seemed like you were just listing a bunch of names to get them all out there...

He had always had a same crush on her even though that was the first time he ever saw her in person.

Same? Should it be small?

And how can he have a crush on her if he has never seen her?