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There's Something About Jerry



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
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Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:07 am
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SASSYLADY333 says...



Part Three

The rest of the weekend had been eventless, dull and nothing very interesting had happened. And Monday at school was much the same, unless one would count my drooling over Jerry in English class. But then on Tuesday something happened. I’m a TA in the office and I saw Jerry walk into the office once again barely noticing me. He sat, waiting outside the principals office and finally they called him inside.

A few minutes later he came back looking flustered, and my attendant told me to give him a referral. I went into the cabinets of files and fished out the pink slip. When I returned to the counter Jerry noticed me, his eyes were turning red and moist. Nonetheless he still looked extremely good.

I followed Mrs. Newberry’s instruction and filled out the referral for being inappropriate to a teacher. It shocked me Jerry didn’t seem like a trouble maker…what in the world made him so angry at his history teacher?

Later on that day I found it was Mr. Dolly he got into a spat with. I myself have Mr. Dolly first period and I find him very annoying. But for someone as quiet as Jerry to be so mad at him didn’t seem right.

I heard from some people exactly why Jerry got mad at Mr. Dolly. Not why exactly but the conversation that lead to the altercation. Mr. Dolly was teaching the class about last years bombing in Oajanda City. The one where five hundred people had died. He was saying that it was the people from the corporation HenSAg’s fault because they had tourist affiliations. The story is that Jerry got really mad when Mr. Dolly said that and some insults had been exchanged until Jerry himself had rushed Mr. Dolly. I heard from a lot of people that Mr. Dolly had pictures of those been deceased from the bomb and that he was laughing them. Saying that a city that had tourist affiliations deserved what they got. [Apparently if a corporation had any such connections it was the authorities and the people’s fault for giving them so much power.]

And knowing Mr. Dolly I bet it was completely true, although I doubt the part about him laughing was true.


In English class the next day I couldn’t get my mind off of him. What did Jerry think of me? That day in English class I kept staring at him as usual and this time he stared back at me. Just once and he never looked my way again. I got this odd feeling in the pit of my stomach , I looked away from him and keep my distance.

Until our teacher decided we should get in groups and read.

“ Now that I’ve given you the formal introduction to your new book. Everybody get into your groups and read until the bell rings.”

Everyone in in each row was in a group and Jerry was in my row. Not only Jerry but America’s favorite little back stabber Lola. There was two other people the extremely quiet types who you could be as nice as possible too but they will still always be shy.

And it was so awkward for me.

“Now break into your groups. Move your desk together and read up to page ten.”

As we finally were into our groups I found myself sandwiched between Jerry and Lola. Everyone had there books out on the desks except Jerry.

“Where’s your book?” Lola demanded, I could tell she didn’t really like Jerry. “ Are you to poor to have brought one?” As if she had something against new comers and the rumors that surrounded them.

He just looked at her at first and then I looked at her.

“ Shut up Lola.”

Then she stared at me surprised, “ For what?”

“After everything you’ve done I don’t want to hear another fucking word from you. Your voice is the most annoying thing god created.”

She looked at me surprised and she got this pissed look on her face. Did she really think I would let her talk and to Jerry first? No. when I heard his voice I wanted it to be because I talked to him…maybe because we were even friendly…

“Okay well, who wants to share with…uh…Jerry?” I ask, and it’s the first time I say his name out loud. I felt like I just gave away a deep dark secret.

Everyone just looks at me, and I sigh irritated. “ Okay then I will…”
I opened the book and moved it toward him. Jerry moved closer to me, and he began to read as if he just felt he should go first.

His voice was…different then I could have imagined, his voice was like strong silk bouncing off the pages of the book. He sounded very grown up and like he had read out loud many time before.

When it was my turn I stumbled on the words and I felt like a goof. It was hard to keep my hands from shaking and not to look up at Jerry. And once I accidentally did just to see he was already looking at me.

Not anything even remotely close to my imagination. I wonder why he been looking at me. I quickly had looked away as Lola began reading on about the life of Oliver Twist.

“ ‘Although I am not disposed to maintain that being born in a workhouse is in itself the most unfortunate and evincible cir--’”

“It says “enviable” not evincible .” Jerry corrects her.

Lola took on a look of annoyance, “ I know you didn’t have to tell me that Mop Head.”

“Sure I didn’t Beast Face, just keep reading.”

Just then our teacher Mr. Tanner walked by, “ Watch your mouth Jerry.”

I was quiet because I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered to Mr. Tanner who had started the spat. He gave Jerry that stern and for me sometimes humiliating look before he walked away. Jerry remained perfectly lucid, and listened as Daisy, one of the quiet mouse’s began to read in her soft and low tone of voice.

I paid attention to the book and I started to think I liked it a lot better when I read it to my self. When the mouse’s read it they read it with no feeling. And Lola brought a certain dread to it. Jerry, he could do a fine reading of it, I was pretty sure he’d done theater at his last school because he had such a solid tone of voice.

When I looked up from my book Jerry was looking at me again, I looked down quickly at my book again. But as the Greg took his turn to read I looked up to see Jerry was still staring at me. And he didn’t seem to care if I was looking back.
It was odd, as if he meant to be intimidating. He was starting to seem like a jerk. Once I started snaring at him he just keep looking at me. And then it occurred to me, every person I meet might not be in their right mind. He could be a psychopath or even…well special and I mean special in a whole different sense.

Finally I was taking my second turn at reading as the bell rang. Everyone hurried to put the desks back in place, just as Mr. Tanner yelled out what reading had to be done that night.

I hurried out the door, to be honest not to get out of school so fast, but because Jerry was freaking me out. As I walked down the hall I saw him just coming at the door. Like I said, I wasn’t in love with him, I never was. I could never love a stranger, especially one that yes proved to be different from other people around us. But someone who managed to give the word “freak” a whole new meaning.
Last edited by SASSYLADY333 on Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Gender: Female
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Tue Jan 08, 2008 12:54 am
Dr. Jamie Bondage says...



1. But then on Tuesday something happened. I’m a TA in the office and I saw Jerry walk into the office once again barely noticing me. He sat, waiting outside the principals office and finally they called him inside.

You use "office" too many times...try cutting it out or changing it.

2. Mr. Dolly was teaching the class about last years bombing in Oajanda City. The one where five hundred people had died.

' in year's. Combine these sentences.

3. I heard from a lot of people that Mr. Dolly had pictures of those been deceased from the bomb and that he was laughing them. Saying that a city that had tourist affiliations deserved what they got.

At between laughiing and them, and combine this sentence.

4. I looked away from him and keep my distance.

Kept instead of keep.

5. Everyone had there books out on the desks except Jerry.

Their instead of there.

6. He sounded very grown up and like he had read out loud many time before.

Times instead of time.

7. I wonder why he been looking at me.

he'd or he had.

8. Lola too on a look of annoyance,

Took instead of too.

9. I could never love a stranger, especially one that yes proved to be different from other people around us.

Has instead of yes.

I think I caught everything...but read over it again and see if there's anymore mistakes...

Jamie Bondage
"This kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statics--it just comes-none knows whence-and can't explain itself. And doesn't need to." Mark Twain
  





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Points: 890
Reviews: 125
Mon Feb 18, 2008 2:23 am
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SASSYLADY333 says...



Well here's part three, if my other post confuses anyone!

tehe ;)
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. :)
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 28
Tue Mar 04, 2008 1:00 am
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Aly_Tobias says...



The rest of the weekend had been eventless, dull and nothing very interesting had happened.


No helping verbs needed (change "had been" to "was") and watch which time you're putting it in. Will it be past, present or future tense?

I caught what I could see. Although I think there's just a bit more in there that's wrong. Read over it again and see what doesn't really fit together or make sense. Sorry I took so long. I had lots of schoolwork to do. Oh and a revised edition of my intro is up, check it out if you'd like. It's not too good, but it's not horrible either.
Crime of the century....[yet to be committed]
  








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