Young Writers Society

Part Two cont.
In the store there were only a few people. Most of them in the children’s section, as some toddlers sat flipping throw books in their cute little tables. Others were just college students looking for books on their scholarly subjects. I smiled at one of the smiled at one of the small children. I had been telling the truth about finding a book. I needed to find one by Monday and Mr. Tanner was already pretty pissed at me for being a ditz about my essay.

We were going to be reading Oliver Twist, which I’d already read three months ago. Well, the first two chapters that is. At the time I couldn’t afford to buy it so I stuffed it in one of these shelves.

But I don’t remember was it in the Romance section or was it in the Manga aisle? I quickly searched the Manga shelves but I found nothing. Then I checked Romance and accidentally bumped into someone as they too charted over to view the books.

“Excuse me.” I said and I had to look twice.

It’s Jerry…once again! Two times is a charm, did I have a Jerry-o-meter or something? Was I subconsciously following him…This mysterious hot Mop head?

He just nodded at me as he looked at the books searching for something. Suddenly I wondered what his voice sounded like, I had never heard him speak before.

Then I can feel someone staring at me, it’s Mickey as she makes her way to the Manga section. She’s giving me that look, the one that says that says “ So Delilah there is a boy.”

I look away and realize I had been just standing there awkwardly. I turn my back to Jerry just as I find my book dusted behind “Queen of Babble”. I stand there for a minute unable to breathe.

I turn back to look at Jerry I wanted to ask him if he was looking for Oliver Twist or was he that impossibly perfect to purposely be in the Romance section. But I took my courage and I stuffed it in my heart and walked over to the counter.

As I made my way to the register I saw Jerry leave the store. What was it about that kid that seemed so engaging to me? As I left the register I did something I’ve never done before…

I followed Jerry. I followed him till he was all the way out the mall and into the street. He crossed Craig avenue and I stopped myself. I shouldn’t follow him, I didn’t even know him.

Except, it turns out I didn’t need to, because Jerry waited on that corner for a good ten minutes until the same man from the park arrived. Like last time they talked for while and he smiled handing Jerry yet another mysterious package.

Jerry stuffed it in his jacket and continued walking down Craig street and the older man turned to look at me. I did an about-face and went home walking briskly hoping he didn’t follow me.

Part Two cont.

In the store there was only a few people. I had been telling the truth about finding a book. I needed to find one by Monday and Mr. Tanner was already pretty pissed at me for being a ditz about my essay.

We were going to be reading Oliver Twist , which I’ve already read three months ago. Well the first two chapters that is. At the time I couldn’t afford to buy it so I stuffed it in one of these shelves.

But I don’t remember, was it in the Romance section or[s] was it[/s] in the Manga aisle? I quickly searched the Manga shelves but I found nothing. Then I checked Romance, I accidentally bumped into someone as they too charted over to view the books.

Instead of I accidentally bumped into someone, it would sound better as:

Then I checked Romance and accidentally bumped into someone chartering over to view the books.

Only because there are too many I's.


“Excuse me.” I said, and I had to look twice.

It’s Jerry…once again! Two times is a charm ; did I have a Jerry-o-meter or something? Was I subconsciously following him…This mysterious hot Mop head?

He just nodded at me as he looked at the books searching for something. Suddenly I wondered what his voice sounded like, I never heard him talk before.

Then I can feel someone staring at me, it’s Mickey as she makes her way to the Manga section. She’s giving me that look. The look that says “ So Delilah there is a boy.”

I look away and realize I had been just standing there awkwardly. I turn my back to Jerry just as I find my book dusted behind “Queen of Babble”. I stand there for a minute unable to breath.

I turn back to look at Jerry I wanted to ask him if he was looking for Oliver Twist or was he that impossibly perfect to purposely be in the Romance section. But I took my courage and I stuffed it in my heart and walked over to the counter.

Love that sentence!


As I made my way to the register I saw Jerry leave the store. What was it about that kid that seemed so engaging to me? As I left the register I did something I’ve never done before…

I followed Jerry. I followed him till he was all the way out the mall and into the street. He crossed Craig avenue and I stopped myself. I shouldn’t follow him, I didn’t even know him.

But it turns out I didn’t need to, because Jerry waited on that corner for a good ten minutes until the same man from the park arrived. Like[s] the[/s] last time they talked for while and he smiled handing Jerry yet another mysterious package.

Jerry stuffed it in his jacket and continued walking down Craig street and the older man [s]he[/s] turned to look at me. I turned around and went home. I walked quickly hoping he didn’t follow me.

Instead of turn, use another verb. It just seems to be repetitive in this paragraph.

I haven't read Part one so I can't say much about the plot but, the grammatical aspect seems to be ok. A few tweaks but other than that, I like the story and the MC seems very normal and likable.

Feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns. Good luck with the rest of it!

Hope the review helps,

--starry

Part Two cont.

In the store there was only a few people. I had been telling the truth about finding a book. I needed to find one by Monday and Mr. Tanner was already pretty pissed at me for being a ditz about my essay.

We were going to be reading Oliver Twist , which I’ve already read three months ago. Well the first two chapters that is. At the time I couldn’t afford to buy it so I stuffed it in one of these shelves.

But I don’t remember, was it in the Romance section or[s] was it[/s] in the Manga aisle? I quickly searched the Manga shelves but I found nothing. Then I checked Romance, I accidentally bumped into someone as they too charted over to view the books.

Instead of I accidentally bumped into someone, it would sound better as:

Then I checked Romance and accidentally bumped into someone chartering over to view the books.

Only because there are too many I's.


“Excuse me.” I said, and I had to look twice.

It’s Jerry…once again! Two times is a charm ; did I have a Jerry-o-meter or something? Was I subconsciously following him…This mysterious hot Mop head?

He just nodded at me as he looked at the books searching for something. Suddenly I wondered what his voice sounded like, I never heard him talk before.

Then I can feel someone staring at me, it’s Mickey as she makes her way to the Manga section. She’s giving me that look. The look that says “ So Delilah there is a boy.”

I look away and realize I had been just standing there awkwardly. I turn my back to Jerry just as I find my book dusted behind “Queen of Babble”. I stand there for a minute unable to breath.

I turn back to look at Jerry I wanted to ask him if he was looking for Oliver Twist or was he that impossibly perfect to purposely be in the Romance section. But I took my courage and I stuffed it in my heart and walked over to the counter.

Love that sentence!


As I made my way to the register I saw Jerry leave the store. What was it about that kid that seemed so engaging to me? As I left the register I did something I’ve never done before…

I followed Jerry. I followed him till he was all the way out the mall and into the street. He crossed Craig avenue and I stopped myself. I shouldn’t follow him, I didn’t even know him.

But it turns out I didn’t need to, because Jerry waited on that corner for a good ten minutes until the same man from the park arrived. Like[s] the[/s] last time they talked for while and he smiled handing Jerry yet another mysterious package.

Jerry stuffed it in his jacket and continued walking down Craig street and the older man [s]he[/s] turned to look at me. I turned around and went home. I walked quickly hoping he didn’t follow me.

Instead of turn, use another verb. It just seems to be repetitive in this paragraph.

I haven't read Part one so I can't say much about the plot but, the grammatical aspect seems to be ok. A few tweaks but other than that, I like the story and the MC seems very normal and likable.

Feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns. Good luck with the rest of it!

Hope the review helps,

--starry

Thank you for feed back!

Eek! Sorry for the double post, how did that happen? Oh and you're welcome!

I haven't read Part One, which is sort of why I feel so lost, but you've got a few excess "bits" that you really don't need. Just, really, little commentary parts that the reader really doesn't need to know. You'll need to squeeze all that out in revision and editing.

Also, some of the paragraphs could do with some length editing. Almost all the 'paragraphs' are the same length, just one or two sentences in each. And you need to create a better flow with them. Start out with a long or short paragraph, then cut in with another short/long paragraph.

For instance:

"I hate you."

These words, this hatred, damn, it hurt. Jared could barely hear what he was saying, nothing ever made sense. Is this all truly real?

//end example//

It was a poor example, but anyways. You get what I mean? Short paragraph, long paragraph, short, long. It's a nice flow. For now, all I'm getting it short paragraph. Halt. Short paragraph. Halt.

And it's quite disturbing.

Anyways, that's really what's distracting me, which is why I didn't really bother to read it.

Um, and try noting to readers that this is Part Two. I had no idea when I clicked on the Title that this was a continuation. Move Part One over here.

In the post it says part two continued...But thanks!



And for anyone esle who didn't know, this is my fourth post of this story. And this is Part Two continued. This is short but I didn't include it in the other post because it was too long.


Also see:

There's Someting About Jerry

There's Something About Jerry , Part One cont.

There's Something about Jerry, Part Two

SASSYLADY333 wrote:Part Two cont.
In the store there was only a few people. I had been telling the truth about finding a book. I needed to find one by Monday and Mr. Tanner was already pretty pissed at me for being a ditz about my essay.

The intro gets things started right away, but it would build suspense if you described the store in detail: the old lady shuffling around with her walker, the fluorescent bulbs and moon-colored lighting, the drawling country song crackling through the 1970s loud speaker, etc.
It doesn't have to look that way, I'm just being random. Grammatically, it's sound, except that "was" in the first sentence should be "were" (I'm a grammar freak, I get huffy when I see '10 Items or Less.' It should be 'Ten Items or Fewer' dammit!)

SASSYLADY333 wrote: “Excuse me.” I said, and I had to look twice.

This would work better if you described why the main character was saying "excuse me," since the way characters move can tell you more about them. Was Jerry lumbering in the middle of the aisle, immersed in thoughts and completely oblivious? Was he leaning against a bookshelf, arms crossed and nervous? Or was your narrator just running frantically through the store, while Jerry was just neatly browsing the aisles?
Otherwise, I have nothing else to say except that I enjoyed this part and can't wait for the next one ^_^!

In the store there was only a few people.

"Was" should be "were"

We were going to be reading Oliver Twist , which I’ve already read three months ago.

"I've" should be "I'd" or "I had"

But I don’t remember was it in the Romance section or was it in the Manga aisle? I quickly searched the Manga shelves but I found nothing. Then I checked Romance, I accidentally bumped into someone as they too charted over to view the books.

The first sentence is a little confusing, try rephrasing it like..."But I couldn't remember whether it was in the Romance section or in the Manga aisle." See? Makes a bit more sense now.

“Excuse me.” I said, and I had to look twice.

The comma after "said" is unnecissary.

Was I subconsciously following him…This mysterious hot Mop head?

That makes no sense. Please rephrase it.

Suddenly I wondered what his voice sounded like, I never heard him talk before.

It would make more sense if you put "had" before "never".

I stand there for a minute unable to breath.

You spelled the last word wrong. It should be "breathe".