Young Writers Society

An excerpt from my, er, new venture. I'd love any feedback but, I'm in the process of getting to know my characters..so, what do you think about Rohan (the MC) and Maya (the girl).


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The next day was the longest I had to endure in my life, partly because I was awakened at around 3 a.m. by annoying mosquitoes buzzing merrily near my ear. I sat up and threw my hands up in the air attempting to get rid of the ruddy pests. The clock on the wall was ticking away and I squinted to adjust to the dimly lit room.

Outside, it was pitch black with the exception of a few tall, flickering streetlights, struggling to stay fluorescent. I rubbed my face with the palm of my hand and felt a thin layer of sweat on my forehead. It was then I realized how hot it really was. Burning, in fact, like a hot oven set on high. Desperately in need of fresh air, I stepped out of bed.

It took a great deal just to make it into the living room; the dark corridor was making it impossible from me to find the stairs. At least four people were sleeping on the floor, spread across the living room. Light snores could be heard mixed with steady breathing as I crept past them towards the front door. Turning the knob, I was greeted with a light breeze percolating past the cracks.

Hyderabad showed a completely different face during nighttime; it was as if the noisy hustle apparent through the day never existed. The neem tree was swooshing in the breeze and sweat on my brow quickly dried up. I looked back into the house to make sure everyone was asleep before slipping into my shoes. Quietly closing the door behind me, I descended the stairs towards the main gate.

The street was silent, with the exception of a few distant car honks. The moonlight replaced the streetlight, which stopped flickering, too tired to continue. The sidewalk was still infested with trash and the natural light accentuated the cracks in the poorly constructed roadways. A part of me reminded me I was still in India but the other part found an inexplicable serenity in the surroundings.

Without dwelling any further, I stuffed my hands into the pajama pockets; it was colder than I had expected. Turning left, I walked against the wind and my eyes started watering because of the cool air.

I heard the gravel crunch behind me and turned to see a familiar looking girl. A closer inspection and I deduced her identity as the same girl who was looking for Aryan yesterday. The familiar long, brown hair flew past her shoulders. I looked away fighting the urge to brush the loose strand dancing on the side of her face.

"I haven't seen you here before," I couldn't tell whether she was questioning my sudden appearance or stating it and didn’t know how to reply.

"Yeah, I don't normally walk around at 3 a.m." Naturally, I resorted to my secret weapon: humor.

It was obvious that I wanted her to explain her mysterious wanderings but unfortunately, she only answered with a nervous smile. She'd noticed my foreign accent and the corner of her mouth lifted into a small smile. Even in the dim moonlight, her features were breathtaking. Her eyes shifted as she noticed me staring at her yet, I didn't turn away. It was amusing to watch her squirm under my gaze.

Another gust flew past us and she pulled her light jacket tighter against her body. .

"Want my jacket?" I offered and as soon as the words left my mouth I knew I had said something wrong. Dawning on my offer, I realized how ridiculous my offer seemed and scrambled to find an excuse.

"You're not from around here," she stated ignoring my request.

"Nope," Her silence told me that she'd expected me to expand. So I added, "I just flew in from America for a visit. Aryan's my cousin." Her expression didn’t change like my aunts and uncles, whose eyes lit up with envy every time I said America. She was indifferent to it, and found myself wondering why I cared so much about her opinion.

I wasn't ready for another awkward pause, so I continued, "So, do people here always walk around in the middle of the night or is it just you?" I asked. My tone was inquisitive and she caught my drift, I wanted to know exactly what she was doing here.

"I should ask you the same question," She smiled. Strands of her long hair danced merrily in the wind before delicately landing on her cheek.

"Can't sleep, and you?" Her eyebrows slightly lifted at my eagerness and I had turned crimson red.

"Something like that," she said lightly but I couldn't help but feel it wasn't anything like my problem. Since she didn't want to tell me, I didn't push for answers but the questions were bubbling in my head with each passing second. Why was she here yesterday for Aryan? Why was she here now?

The gravel crunched underneath her foot as she started walking backward. She realized the conversation had reached a dead-end and took the initiative to end it.

"Well, see you around then," I opened my mouth to stop her but closed it when she abruptly turned her back to me.

"Do you need a ride?" I asked out of desperation.

"Have a car?" she teased.

"No," I placed a hand behind my head and couldn't help the small smile playing on my lips.

"See you, then," she waved as she reached the end of the street.

"When?" I called out.

The conversation ended just as strangely as it began. The fact that I didn't even know her name struck me hard and I scrambled to the end of the lane, but the street was empty. Disappointed, I walked back to the house. This time I took no precautions to avoid waking up the others.


******

What do you think??

This is a great start. You've introduced your characters really well, and made them instantly likable, so I'd say you've got nothing to worry about there.

I love the way you've taken a very odd time and place for these two characters to bump into eachother, and how you've rounded off the mystery of the main characters situation whilst introducing the girl's.

You're style of writing is really good, but I think there's some issues dragging it down. Here's what I picked out.

There's a few too many I's, which can't be helped. I suggest you avoid starting sentences with I's, as this is what usually makes it more noticable, especially around paragraphs four to six.

You've referred to the girls eyes as almond coloured (7th par, 1st line), and almond shaped (10th par, 3rd line), and the repitition doesn't do much for your writing.

There's a few phrases here and there that are very similar to eachother, which makes some parts seems dull.

You've maded two references to the wind, a 'light breeze' (2nd par, 5th line) and the 'cold air continued to blow mercilessly' (11th par), and a 'breeze' (3rd par, 2nd line)This is a contradiction. Maybe you could change these to make them all fit, or point out that the change is because the main character has stepped into a more open area.

I'd recommend you brainstorm your ideas on the scene, jot down whatever comes to mind, then put the ideas in order to fit into one piece. It will help you to avoid the repeated ideas and contradictions.

I know I've mentioned a fair few things here, but overall this is a great piece. Keep up the good work. Kudos.

Thank you so much for review, kokobeans! And I tried to fix the mistakes...anyone else?

Hey! This is the next part of that one chapter I read, where the guy went to India, right? Cool!

Awesome. Amazing. Spectacular. I loved it. There weren't any mistakes except this little bugger:

"Naturally, I resorted to my secret weapon, humor."

After secret weapon it should be a colon.

"Naturally, I resorted to my secret weapon: humor."

That was the only mistake that I found.

Now, this was really good (as always). I don't really have anything to complain about. Your writing is easy to understand/read. Your characters are believable for the most part. So, good job. I wish I had something to critique...*feels sad that he couldn't help Starry*

Well, if you found this useful, hurray!

BBB

Thanks the kind words bbb!! This draft is far from perfection but, I'm glad you think it's really good!!

Bye,

--starry.

Hey there Starrynight.

For a first person perspective, I believe you handled it quite well. Normally I'm not a fan of 1st person, because they tend to tell more than show which really makes it quite boring to read lol. In this case, this was pretty interesting to read and I really like how you kept it from being too wordy and info dumpy. Kudos to you on that.

I felt you can show things a bit more. For example, the environment. I had this feeling that the setting of this piece is during the summer. Yet, the words for the descriptions that showed this was buzzing around in my head rather than being in your piece. I was expecting to see a fan blowing in the room, or her bed covers drenched in her sweat. Something that would show that it was hot, which you've stated in the 1st paragraph.

Your descriptions are very good. I remember you as being quite competent in your descriptions from your previous works. Obviously, this still continues. However, the relevance of it wasn't told. I think you can work in some of your own comments and tell us a bit about the setting, and somehow work it with your character.

With that said, I think your characters were a little flat. They seem a bit one sided in how they reacted when they meet with one another on the street. It really wasn't that interesting, and didn't really show much of the backstory and the reasons of why you had that encounter. I think it's because you haven't elaborated on their conversation further and so it's a bit lacking.

Overall, this was above average. Try to show a bit more than tell and further the conversation and development of your characters.

Andy.

Squallz,

Thank you for your comment! And you seemed to have caught my weakness: characterization. It's just hard so, I've decided not to post anymore until I've gotten to know my MC's a bit more. Thanks again and I'm working on your piece at the moment! It's really good so far...but I'm sure you want to hear more than that. I hope you don't mind that it's in a word doc, It'll be up in a few.


Take care,

--starry.

Hey, I really liked this post. I haven't read the others but it seemed well introduced.

I would suggest watching out for mechanical[ I don't know what to call them really] errors. Extra statements and contradictions that aren't needed.

Besides that like I said it's really good! Hope to see more from you.


p.s.- I like your protagnonist !

Hey sassylady333,

Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you like my MC. I feel kind of bad for posting this because, I should've checked over my stuff..I did but not as well as I should have. Anywho, thanks for pointing that out.

Thanks again,

--starry

I really like this piece.

You started off well, drew me right into the story. Though at first I couldn't tell if he was male or female. And since you wrote in first person view, try to avoid a lot of sentences with I's.

I didn't really get how the girl looked. the description of her includes, almond colored yes, and almond shaped eyes. Other than that I can't really picture her.

The boy I got nice clear image in my head. I can see that he's disheveled, just out of bed. Maybe has on some PJ's or not. he thew on a coat and shoes and started to walk around since he was hot.

That's all I really noticed, other than that, I really like your dialog and plot. Nicely set up.

Although I have one question re guarding to this story. Why is the boy there? is he vacationing or is he sent to live there? Just curious.

Hope it helps. I like this story a lot, maybe you would like to add more to it. Do as you like, cuz you have skills.

~~Geek

Thanks Geek, you are too kind!

Yes, the MC's name is Rohan (male) and he is visiting India over the summer.

Yes, I'm trying not to use many I's. I read through it and realized how annoying it sounded

I should've described her in detail...thanks for pointing that out! I'm going to edit this extensively.


Cheers,

--starry.

Okay, so I haven't read any of this, but it reads like a perfect excerpt like one you find in a textbook. It's well written, I love the mystery you've built up around the girl, and the poor guy seems so awkward you have to love him.

I know someone called Arian...

Thank you for the insight Stella! So kind of you to review

--starry

As you requested, I will stick solely to the characters (not that there was much to criticize, it was well-done. ^^) I really like the girl, she seems like she'll be a very fun-loving character and she'll be a lot of fun to read about. As for your MC, it was a bit difficult to tell much about him, but I think that those two would be a good pair, because your MC is so humorous, and the girl seems to be so fun-loving. I think it's very well-done as far as character introduction goes. I can't wait for the rest! ^^

Thank you so much Trombonist for the review! You actually brought it back. Yes, the MC is humorous but also shy..hope that came through. The girl is fun-loving and tough. I hope to bring out that contrast. Currently working on another idea as well so, I think it'll take a while to get anything out at the moment.