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Happy New Year, Indeed.



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Sun Dec 23, 2007 4:52 pm
Flemzo says...



I usually don't do holiday stuff, but this ran through my mind more than once, so here it goes.

----------------------------------------

"Five minutes to midnight!"

The people were milling around in the living room of the Dayton House, the former home of a millionaire department store owner now turned historical landmark. A friend of mine rented it out for their New Year's Eve party. It was a "black, white, or silver formal", so I spent twenty minutes trying to find something acceptable to wear. The party started around six o'clock, so everyone had been there for a while, drinking champagne, eating hors d'oeuvres, and mingling with others. Everyone, that is, except me.

I've never been good at social functions. I never know what to say to people. They tell me to be myself, but Myself would rather spend the evening alone, watching the ball drop on television. I try to be sociable, but it always seems to go wrong. I had my eye on this lovely young woman for most of the night, but I was too scared to go talk to her. Instead, I held a few awkward conversations with a few different groups of people, drank a little too much champagne, and told myself that I was going home at midnight.

And here it was, five minutes until I could finally go home. I had been sitting by myself for most of the evening, which suited me just fine. A few passing greetings were exchanged, and I decided to get ready to go home. I had one final glass of champagne and another cheese cube, went to the bathroom, then made my way to the door.

"One minute to midnight!"

I heard the call come from the living room, and figured I could at least stay until they rang in the new year.

"Thirty seconds!"

I settled myself into a corner and watched rushed near the clock. I slowly noticed people coupling up, and realized that my loneliness would soon become painfully apparent.

"Ten... nine... eight..."

The countdown started. The couples were getting excited. I hated them for it. I needed another drink.

"Seven... six... five..."

The moment of truth. Hands were holding hands, arms were wrapped around waists, and I was getting a cigarette ready to smoke once I got outside.

"Four... three... two..."

I got up, put the cigarette in my mouth, and headed toward the door.

"One... Happy New Year!"

Party favor noises and cheers filled the air. I looked back and saw the couples do their midnight kisses. "Happy fucking new year," I mumbled and walked out the door.

As I lit up, I heard the door slam shut behind me. I turned and saw a girl I had been admiring for a while run toward me, her plain white dress trailing through the snow and mud.

"Hey!" she shouted. "Don't go!"

Before I could say anything, she knocked the cigarette out of my mouth, threw her arms around me, and smashed her lips into mine. It was a bizarre feeling; her kiss didn't feel like a kiss of necessity, like she felt sorry for me since I was alone most of the evening. Her kiss felt like, for that moment, we were two lovers without a care in the world, and everything was fine between us, and we would be together forever.

And in a moment, she was gone, running back to the house for the rest of the party.

I looked to where my cigarette fell, and decided that it would be too wet to continue smoking. I glanced up as the door to the house slammed shut, and looked back to the cigarette, it's glowing orange tip being extinguished before i could stamp it out.

I sighed. I've never been much for symbols, but the cigarette had an eerie foreshadowing quality that I just couldn't ignore. Slowly, I got in my car, cursed the new year, and drove home.
Last edited by Flemzo on Sat Dec 29, 2007 1:41 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Mon Dec 24, 2007 5:43 pm
Dr. Jamie Bondage says...



Short and sweet, I like it. XD I really didn't see any errors. Sorry I couldn't be more help. Jamie Bondage
"This kind of love is not a product of reasonings and statics--it just comes-none knows whence-and can't explain itself. And doesn't need to." Mark Twain
  





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Tue Dec 25, 2007 3:55 am
kinzygirl223 says...



Hmmm. Interesting. Good. I couldn't spot any errors either.
Good job.
Really Good.
  





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Fri Dec 28, 2007 9:04 pm
MidnightVampire says...



No errors spotted. Nope, none. Good job!
I realized that I said I'd be gone for only two weeks...but I was gone for much longer.I hope to stay on this time. :)
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:08 am
little.angelfire says...



This piece is definetly short, sweet, and to the point. I think more detials, though, would really bring this piece to life. Since it's so short, and there's hardly any dialogue (which isn't needed anyway) that details would be wonderful. You don't have to go into detail about the party itself, just a little bit more of what the main character is doing. I actually think this piece would sound better coming from a third person point of view. Mainly because it is such a short piece, and you could get more detail into it this way. Just a suggestion, though.

It was nice. Now post chapter three to you other story. You know the one I'm talking about. Dooooo iiiiiit ^.~

--meow
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Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:19 am
icequeen_786 says...



Hey,
Oh wow. I liked that!
What I don't get, though, was the cheese cube. Maybe I read it wrong, but he got the cheese cube from inside the bathroom??
Other than that...no errors, not spelling, not grammar, nothing.
Excellent job!

Truthfully yours,
Icequeen
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:28 am
Leja says...



The tone was nice, the pacing was nice, the language was nice. At first, I wondered if more details of setting would be a nice addition, but as I think that would mess with pacing, they're not really necessary.

The part where the girl calls his name, might be better if not in such a passive voice. Consider adding the actual dialogue. It doesn't even have to have their names, because naming people in something so short just tends to bog things down, just a "hey you" kind of thing. That would give some more detail-like tension, to go along with the detail of her dress dragging through the snow and mud.

The ending did seem a little quick, and I know it's meant for that, but it seemed rather devoid of emotion, and the events in rapid succession: the sigh, getting in the car, and leaving. Maybe consider something like "... rest of the party. I sighed. Happy New Year, indeed. Then I got in my car and left."

You know, I get mad when I can't find much to critique in something? Good job. :P
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 12:51 am
Areida says...



Hey, Flemzo!

Not bad work overall, but it's not particularly outstanding. There's a difference between short and sweet and underdeveloped, and I'm really leaning towards the latter right now. Tell me more! Make me care! You have a great setup here, where anything can happen, but it's a setup that's been used before, so you'll have to stretch your bounds and either make something big happen or really pull us in with great characters, dialogue, description, etc. Even really great inner monologue can do the trick.

Also, the girl at the end was really random. Could you somehow introduce her beforehand without making it obvious she was going to choose the narrator for her New Years' kiss? Or, if you prefer her to be a stranger, at least mention him noticing her at some point before midnight? I have nothing in particular in mind, just that we need more here to really leave any kind of impact with the reader.

Some specific things I noticed:

"Five minutes to midnight!"

The people were milling around in the living room of the Dayton House, the former home of a millionaire department store owner now turned historical landmark. A friend of mine rented it out for their New Year's Eve party. It was a "black, white, or silver formal", so I spent twenty minutes trying to find something acceptable to wear. The party started around six o'clock, so everyone had been there for a while, drinking champagne, eating hors d'oeuvres, and mingling with others. Everyone, that is, except me.

I've never been good at social functions. I never know what to say to people. They tell me to be myself, but Myself would rather spend the evening alone, watching the ball drop on television. I still don't know what made me go to that stupid party, but nevertheless, I went. I held a few awkward conversations, drank a little too much champagne, and told myself that I was going home at midnight.

And here it was, five minutes until I could finally go home. I had been sitting by myself for most of the evening, which suited me just fine. A few passing greetings were exchanged, and I decided to get ready to go home. I had one final glass of champagne, went to the bathroom, had another cheese cube, then made my way to the door.


You had a good opening, nice starting with the quote, and then you gave us a blog-esque ramble. Naturally, we're going to expect explanation after the quote, but here it felt very tired. It's not so much what you're saying that's no good, but make how you're saying it more interesting and you will be much better off.

I heard the call come from the living room, and figured i could at least stay until they rang in the new year.

Just need to capitalize the "i" here.

Before I could say anything, she knocked the cigarette out of my mouth, threw her arms around me, and smashed her lips into mine. It was a bizarre feeling; her kiss didn't feel like a kiss of necessity, like she felt sorry for me since I was alone most of the evening. Her kiss felt like, for that moment, we were two lovers without a care in the world, and everything was fine between us, and we would be together forever.

And in a moment, she was gone, running back to the house for the rest of the party. I was alone again. I sighed, got in my car, and left.

Happy New Year, indeed.

We had a build-up to this moment, then, the tension mounts, the music swells, time for the extreme close-ups, and now, the moment of truth. ...or not.

You gave us the build-up, the hint of tension, the music building to a climax... then he got in his car and drove away. Random much? I need to know why! The ending was very dissatisfying to me. I'm not saying they have to run away together or anything like that, but the end of the story felt completely inconclusive to me, and gave the story a feel of randomness. Like, okay, I just read this, but I don't really know what the point was to all that...

You have a good start, you just need more. Good luck!
Got YWS?

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Sat Dec 29, 2007 1:00 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey!

Nice story - I only notice a few mistakes that no-one else had pointed out.

.....

I settled myself into a corner and watched --------- I think you missed a few words here ^^ --------- rushed near the clock. I slowly noticed people coupling up, and realized that my loneliness would soon become painfully apparnet -------- "apparent" ----------.

......

As I lit up, I heard the door slam shut and my name being called out. I turned and saw a girl I had been admiring for a while run toward -------- is it towards, or toward? --------- me, her plain white dress trailing through the snow and mud.

Before I could say anything, she knocked the cigarette out of my mouth, threw her arms around me, and smashed her lips into mine. It was a bizarre feeling; her kiss didn't feel like a kiss of necessity, like she felt sorry for me since I was alone most of the evening ---------- here it's confusing, fist you say it wasn't a kiss of necessity, and thy you say it was like she felt sorry for you??? --------------. Her kiss felt like, for that moment, we were two lovers without a care in the world, and everything was fine between us, and we would be together forever.

-------------------

Otherwise, gooood story!

Cheers!

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 1:42 am
Flemzo says...



Thanks for the crits. I reworked a few things in it, and fixed that capitalization thing (stupid mistake, but thanks for pointing it out).
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 9:11 pm
StellaThomas says...



I like it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who writes random little scenes without much of a point...

Can I just say one thing? I'm up for not giving the names of the characters, very much so, but if you're not, then it's just a little odd to name the house...don't you think?
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:47 pm
kioneslayer says...



-claps- =D wonderful. XD I like the kiss the bestest! =D It was random and honestly made me giggle. >< I would have laughed out loud, but daddy's in a bad mood tonight. D;=

=D I thought it could use a bit more detail. I wanted to know the main character a bit more. She seems like someone I could be friends with. =D
"The Circle of Rising!" Alita shreeked while looking down at the circle with a seven-pointed star with a rose in it. The star's points touched the edge of the chircle while the rose almost seemed to drift in the middle. ~The Alchemy Child
  





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Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:05 am
The Blind Trombonist says...



Last review of my first night on these forums, and you know, you made me happy, because there is really no error for me to complain about today. Sorry about that! XD Short and sweet, and well-written. So, now it's 3:00 AM and I am going to bed! Good job! ^^
  





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Fri Jan 11, 2008 9:31 pm
Samantha Eliza says...



I liked it. It was short, and a bit underdeveloped, but I think that, had it been any longer, it might have seemed like you were dragging it out or something. The only part that annoyed me was when he gets up to leave and then sits back down for absolutely no reason. That just made absolutely no sense to me. I think he should just leave when he decides to instead of randomly sitting in the corner and then getting up.

A little more detail would've been nice, as well. The beginning seemed a little awkard, though, because you described everything right in the first paragrapgh. You could just try to ease into it, instead of doing an infodump type thing like that.
  





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Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:08 am
jessiieeboo says...



Aww!
This is really good so far.
I didn't see any errors so far but hey who says thats a bad thing! :]
Very nice, but sudle, begining.
Please contiune. :]<----- ain't the smiley cute!!??
Hehe.
peace love +& respect,
jessā™„
  








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