Young Writers Society

i dont know how to delete.

Ok, here we go.

I was looking at the clear blue sky as he was telling me that his love for me, wasnt the same love i had for him.

that comma is unnessecary.

wasn't has an apostrophe.

your I should be capitalised.

I couldn't argue with this, for this was fact.

"For this was fact" is unnessecary, in my opinion. You already established that he doesn't love her, you don't need to repeat it.

I looked to stare his sad eyes,

Huh? You looked into his sad eyes, maybe, but the sentence you wrote makes no sense.

it was something unexplaniable, the way he stared at me, it wasnt only shade of sadness, but also relieved.

This sentence is messy.
"unexplainable" is spelt wrong, though possibly through a typo.
"Wasn't" requires an apostrophe, as I stated earlier.

Also, it doesn't need to be all one sentence. May I suggest:

"I looked into his eyes. The way he was staring at me showed that he wasn't only sad, but he was relieved."

You don't even need "I couldn't explain it", because you do.

I guess i can't blame him for it, I wasn't the greatest girlfriend in the world, infact, id ditched him plenty of times, just to be with my best friend.

Commas don't always prevent a sentence from being long, excessive and boring. And this one is.

My suggestion:
"I guess I can't blame him. I wasn't the best girlfriend in the world. I had left him plenty of times to be with my friends."

And I give up telling you to capitalise and use apostrophes.


Ok, so I did the first paragraph and a half and came to a conclusion.

Your sentences are loose, long, and you've got more typos than I've ever seen before. You use too many commas, not enough periods. This can be exhausting to the reader, which makes them give up reading it. I suggest reading other works on here to get a good idea of the use of commas, and of period.

He had black hair, set to the side, when he moved, so did his hair, he was palid with green eyes that can make any girl mesmorize, besides me.

This just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the paragraph. It sticks out like a sore thumb, and not in a good way. You have to slide into a description, not jump to it, as you do.

Example: "I wasn't in love with him, it was mainly lust. His matt of black hair that bounced as he walked repulsed me. And his green eyes didn't seduce me like the other girls."


Although, that's still a bit of a dive...

You get the idea...

**collapses**

I would probably expand it with dialogue and all that pretty stuff. I don't know... call me a fan for dialogue, but I would have her listened, bored, to her boyfriend talk about their relationship. And when she gets home and her friend comes over... well... it sounds slightly sudden that she realizes that, "Oh my gosh, my best friend looks really good." So friends, especially girls that are friends, touch each other a bunch, so instead of looking at her gorgeous body, maybe her friend might say something like, "There's something on your shirt" and when she picks up the fuzz that is conveniently placed on the breast, then the main character goes crazy and lusts for her, which is only increased when she sees her best friend move and everything.

In fact, I would probably just delete the part about her boyfriend. Maybe you can introduce her with a bunch of friends trying to set her up with some guy, and she keeps on just wanting to shop for clothes so she can see their figures trying out things? I have no idea. But you have such an original idea that you can play with it a lot more than you have. Have fun with it.

Anyway, hope that helped!