Young Writers Society

I finally calmed down, and he let go me.
"Are you alright now?"
"No."
"I am so sorry." His eyes showed the worry they had had before.
"I'll make it through, I always do."
"Is there anything i can do for you?"
"Yes. Find me somewhere to live."
"Well I don't know if I can do anything about that."
"Where are your parents?"
"Out of town. Did I forget to tell you that?"
"Yea. Kind of"
"Oh. Sorry. Well they wont be back until next friday." I was completely silent. "Do you want breakfast?"
"Yea. Sure." He walked down the stairs and disappeared into a room. I thought I maybe should put some clothes on before breakfast. I went to his room to try and find my clothes. I searced through the pile for clothes. I couldn't find my clothes anywhere. I found a pair of Will's pants on the floor.
I decided that I would just wear his pants instead of looking for my own jeans. I slipped them on, they were very baggy. I looked at myself in the mirror. My long, curly brunette hair was messy. I found a brush on his dresser. After I finished brushing my hair I looked into the mirror again. I put my hands into the pockets of Will's jeans. I found a piece of paper folded. I pulled it out of the pocket. It was a note, to me. It read
Dear Caridee,

I know that you and I are only saposed to be friends. After tonight I couldn't stop thinking about you though. I have to let you know that i know we are ment to be together. I can feel it. I'm planning on breaking up with Sarah so we can make this work. You make me feel so good about my self. As if there's not a worry in the world. I really hope you feel the same way.
Love
WILLIAM

Awwh...that was very sweet. Wouldn't everyone like to find a note like that? Anyway, I'll do another big critique:

(remember to double space between each paragraph!)

I finally calmed down, and he let go me.

"Are you alright now?"

"No."

"I am so sorry." His eyes showed the worry they had [s]had[/s] before.

You don't need two hads in this sentence.

"I'll make it through, I always do."

"Is there anything i can do for you?"

Remember to capatize your I's!

"Yes. Find me somewhere to live."

"Well I don't know if I can do anything about that."

"Where are your parents?"

"Out of town. Did I forget to tell you that?"

"Yea. Kind of"

Yea = Yeah. And end "Kind of" with a period like this, "Kind of."

"Oh. Sorry. Well they wont be back until next friday." I was completely silent.

friday = Friday

"Do you want breakfast?"

"Yea. Sure." He walked down the stairs and disappeared into a room. I thought I maybe should put some clothes on before breakfast. I went to his room to try and find my clothes. I searced through the pile for clothes. I couldn't find my clothes anywhere. I found a pair of Will's pants on the floor.
I decided that I would just wear his pants instead of looking for my own jeans. I slipped them on, they were very baggy. I looked at myself in the mirror. My long, curly brunette hair was messy. I found a brush on his dresser. After I finished brushing my hair I looked into the mirror again. I put my hands into the pockets of Will's jeans. I found a piece of paper folded. I pulled it out of the pocket. It was a note, to me. It read

You use the word 'I' to begin most of the sentences in this paragraph. Try to find another word. It gets repititive. Even like this:

Bad ex: I walked down the stairs, quickly.

You could have it like this

Good ex: Quickly, I walked down the stairs.

You see the difference? It gets the same message across without starting every sentence with I.


Dear Caridee,

I know that you and I are only saposed to be friends. After tonight I couldn't stop thinking about you though. I have to let you know that i know we are ment to be together. I can feel it. I'm planning on breaking up with Sarah so we can make this work. You make me feel so good about my self. As if there's not a worry in the world. I really hope you feel the same way.
Love
WILLIAM

saposed = supposed and ment = meant.

Great job! This story is getting better. Even though it was a short chapter, it was good, nonetheless. Great job! I'll be looking for more!

BBB

Man, that is good. I can't write romance like that. Not even if I tried really hard, and I mean really, really hard. Uh, the previous person mentioned a lot of it, capitilize I's, spelling, the I paragraph. The sentence[quote] , that sounds a bit odd. I know you mentioned she had a shirt in all, but yeah, just make sure that is recently mentioned, though I'm sure you did recenly mention it. ( I hope that was good advice) Uh yeah, ( I use that word a lot) have fun. PM me when you type up the next part.

I just realized my quote didn't work. The sentence was " Maybe I should get some clothes on before breakfast" Sorry If I confuzed anyone.

This is very cute.

I think what lets you down a lot is that you constantly begin your sentences with 'I'.
Also, the beginning - vocal overdose. For a piece like this I think you should add more action or thought in between the lines of speech, otherwise you're speeding up the story too close to a soft moment.

Also, don't forget to make an extra line between paragraphs and speech, it'll really improve the appearance.

Great start, keep it up.