Young Writers Society

[pre]Dying Dreamer

The sun set and darkness cover the sky. Bats start to fly. Cold breeze of air begin to come out from its silence. Stars wrap the sky with its glossiness. And sleeping is the next thing to do but sleeping from reality is waking up to what so called the “the truth”.
I hold something keeps me from thinking for a long time, my dreams.

I’m always happy; I always laugh and never fake a smile until a part of me dies.

Going to school is fun but sometimes you just get so used to it that you start to feel boredom. Whenever I’m into it I start to day dream. Dream many things especially about him. Yes, him. Thinking if he would notice me, if he would look back and come near me. I set aside the fact that he would never be mine. As the time goes on I close my eyes slowly and as I do this I try to imagine his face, imagine how he smiles but it’s unclear. He is quite rough but really nice and thinking these things makes me want to stay here forever, the world that I’ve created in my mind. As I open my eyes little by little I die. Seeing him with her is the toughest part of my life and my Achilles’ heel. But doing nothing is one thing I’ll forever regret.

Waking up to reality is always a nightmare and a curse. I can’t say what I really feel for him but the hardest part is to know that he would never listen. Every single day something is being stolen from me and someone is killing me. Each day is my death penalty and school is my grave.

But until that day these thoughts start to fade.

I was walking alone in the covered walk; it was already 6:00 pm and I can already see the dullness of the night but then the light of the moon gives a yielding sense that something good will happen. I stop for a while and stare at the moon. And I suddenly remember the old days when I was still in high school, I smile and started to walk again. I was not able to notice a man in front of me and I bumped into him. I stopped for a while and picked up my things on the ground; He handed to my book and left with no words. It seemed that someone called me. Pulling me to where I came from. But I never returned. The moment of rejection sealed my fate.

I see nothing until now, hoping that the male last mention might know and come. But that sensation turned into a hemo in the ground. Slowly things started to move out of my sight and the things I’ve held on to for so many years are just illusions of my own reality.

“I remove my own love in my own heart, thus I kill myself. Never have I survived in my own dream. But why now I’m in this cage of white and black.”[/pre]

Uh, here's a tip: Stick with the original font. This one you used is annoying and could drive readers crazy!

As for your opening sentence: You do know it's meant to be a hook, right? There's nothing very enticing about yours.

These two things are enough to put people off.


The story:

And sleeping is the next thing to do but sleeping from reality is waking up to what so called the “the truth”.I hold something keeps me from thinking for a long time, my dreams.

This part was just messy. Starting a sentence with "And" is something you shouldn't do unless absolutely nessecary or in dialogue.

Then there's the rest of it. Sleeping is the next thing to do? What was first? Sleeping from reality, yet seeing the truth makes no sense. This whole thing makes no sense! You hold something keeps you, what? Messy, gross, wrong.


The font is doing my head in...

Dying Dreamer

The sun set[s]s[/s] and darkness will cover the sky {This sentence has tense issues, it would sound better if you reworded it: The sun was setting and darkness will soon cover the sky. This is if if you want the future tense, in my opinion, I'd write it like this: The sun set and darkness covered the sky. Either way it works}. Bats will start to fly. Cold breeze of air will begin to come out from its silence. Stars will wrap the sky with its glossiness. And sleeping is the next thing to do but sleeping from reality is waking up to what so called the “the truth”.
I hold something keeps me from thinking for a long time, my dreams.

[b] HOnestly, the future tense doesn't flow, instead of what will come, it would be more effective to describe what's already there...does that make sense? And what assurity do you have that bats will start to fly, what if they decide no to that particular night. My point is, future tense is uncertain...or maybe it's just me...It's your call, I wouldn't do it.


I’m always happy; I always laugh and never fake a smile until a part of me died. Until a part of me dies. Since you're in present tense, stay in it!

Going to school is fun but sometimes you just get so used to it that you start to feel boredom. Whenever I’m into it I start to day dream. Dreaming many things, especially about him. Yes, him. Thinking if [b0 only. Not mandatory but it would sound better if you added it [/b] ]he would [s]even[/s] notice me, if only. This word brings in the sense of desperation faced by the characterhe would even look back and come near me.

Make sure you split your paragraphs up since it's easier to read

I set aside the fact that he would never be mine. As the time goes on I close my eyes really slowly and as I do this I try to imagine his face, imagine. Remember to use parallelism, you used imagine before. how he smiles but it's distorted. He is quite rough but really nice and thinking these things make[s]s[/s] me want to stay here forever; the world that I’ve created in my mind. As I open my eyes little by little, I die. Seeing him with her is the toughest part of my life and my Achilles’ heel. But doing nothing is one thing I’ll forever regret.

Waking up to [s]the[/s] reality is always [s]been[/s] a nightmare and a curse. I can’t say what I really feel for him ,but the hardest part is knowing that he would never listen. Every single day something is being stolen from me and someone is killing me. Each day is my death penalty and [s]that[/s] school is my grave.

But until that day this. What are you trying to say- his thoughts or these thoughts. thoughts started to fade.

I was walking alone in the covered walk ; it was already 6:00 pm and I can already see the dullness of the night , but then the light of the moon gives a yielding sense that something good will happen.

I stop for a while and gaze[s]d[/s] at the moon. And I suddenly remember the old days when I was still in high school, I smile and started to walk again. I was not able to notice a man in front of me and I bumped into him. I see nothing until now, hoping that the male (?) last mention might know and come. But that sensation turned into a hemo in the ground. Slowly things started to move out of my sight and the things I’ve held on to for so many years are just illusions of my own reality.

“I remove my own love in my own heart, thus I kill myself. Never have I survived in my own dream. But why now I’m in this cage of white and black”

You certainly got the sadness of the MC through to the reader. But, I'm sorry to say that I don't feel sorry for her and part of it is because you didn't use an ounce of detail. I want to know how obsessed she is with him, you mentioned that she saw him walking with another girl but that was it. I need more detail. The rest of the piece just seemed to drag on without really going anywhere. This would be a great short story if you just concentrate on her pain and specific memories that pertain to it. Also, please, please, please review your draft before you post it. Grammatical errors are annoying and will ward of potential reviewers.

With that said, even between the elusiveness and grammar errors, you really got the sadness through which is a plus. Please feel free to PM me with questions, comments or concerns. I would love to review this again once your done. Good luck.

Cheers,

--starry

Be careful with your tenses! I think the others picked most of them up, but:

male last mention might know and come. But that sensation turned into a hemo in the ground.

should be:

male (couldn't you use person? Boy? Being?) last mentioned might know and come. But that sensation perhaps, moment, thought, turned into a hemo? I'm guessing heap on the ground.

Although you portray it very well.

I personally think this idea is very very clever. ^^ That being said, there are still a few issues...hold on let me get this out of my system...

GRAH!!! FONT!!!!!!!

Ok, anyways, happy me is back. ^^ I like the majority of the story, the one thing is tense and grammatical errors, it seems to me that others have already pointed out these in specific, so I'll be quick.

Stay in one tense!
Check your grammar and spelling constantly!
Read the story out loud before you publish to watch for "awkward phrasing"

Otherwise, I do have to say that you did pretty well, just watch for those things.