Young Writers Society

When I was a child, I wished for many things:

Someone to love

peace

happiness

friends

And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were friendly to each other.

But now...

The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

You can follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy.

-Ellie aka Elisha
Daughter of the High Priest Alastair and Priestess Amara.

Hmmm. This is too short to be a story and it feels more like a summary or perhaps a prologue? Either way, I think you should change the format and there's a few corrections to be made. Here's how I'd edit it -

When I was a child, I wished for many things:

Some one to love

peace

happiness

friends

[I don't think there's any need to space this out and it should be 'someone to love'. Also, you need commas between the items on the list and a period at the end.]

And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were all [s]friends[/s] friendly to each other.

The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

____________________

Also, are you going to write more of the story? If you do and you want someone to look at it, let me know.

kitty15 wrote:Hmmm. This is too short to be a story and it feels more like a summary or perhaps a prologue? Either way, I think you should change the format and there's a few corrections to be made. Here's how I'd edit it -

When I was a child, I wished for many things:

Some one to love

peace

happiness

friends

[I don't think there's any need to space this out and it should be 'someone to love'. Also, you need commas between the items on the list and a period at the end.]

And I had all of that. My parents loved me. My people lived in peace. We were all happy and we were all [s]friends[/s] friendly to each other.

The darkness has come and shattered my society. And also my heart.

____________________

Also, are you going to write more of the story? If you do and you want someone to look at it, let me know.

This is a prologue. and sure, you can look at story, but i posted it.

Hey! This will really grab your reader's attention. I loved it. Prologues can be short. It doesn't matter. There was only one thing:

"You will follow my story and my struggle to stop the darkness. You might also see me fall in love with my greatest enemy."

Instead of saying "You will follow," say, "You CAN follow," That way you won't sound like a jerk to the reader. It is their choice to continue the book. This'll make it sound better and well...nicer.


Good job! Do you have any more posted?


BBB