Young Writers Society

Befor death (She):
“Do you love me?” He asks for the hundredth time.
“Why wouldn’t I honey?” I answer, and again I hide the true answer with a shifting of words. But I don’t feel guilty, I’m getting used to it by now. I don’t want to lie, and well I truly don’t. And I can hear it in his voice although he doesn’t say anything about it; I can hear him understanding the truth.
“So how was school?” He says while trying to make a decent conversation for once.
“What is that song you’re listening to? You know I hate it. Don’t be such a jerk!” I declare, while flushing his attempts down the drain. “Can you just not listen to that while you’re talking to me?” I say and hang up like usual.
The phone rings again and again but I don’t even bother to look at the number, I just turn up my music and lay on my bed thinking about the past, the past that I want to repeat so bad. And I open my book and start reading while I’m bleeding to my death, and I start to fall asleep…

After death (he):
“Did you love her more than you love me?” She asks for the hundredth time.
“She is my past, you know that babe.” I answer…

Hmmm. This was too short for a reader to get much out of it and you need more description. For example, I'm unsure as to the gender of your persona. At first I thought it was a girl but now I'm not so sure. You do have some really interesting dialogue on the other hand and I think this could be really good if you put a little more work into it and expanded it. Here's a few minor corrections -

“Why wouldn’t I honey?” I answer, and again I hide the true with [s]answer with[/s] a shifting of words.

“So how was school?” He says while trying to make a [s]dissent[/s] decent conversation for once.

Other than that, see if you can make it a bit clearer, add more imagery, expand it and let me know if you make any changes and I'll gladly take another look.

well...hmmm...I'm a sucker for a good romance story. This is what i have to say. I enjoyed the theme of it and there is some emtion to it, but its too short you rushed! But if there is going to be more of it then I'll be back!
poke!

Niki_nikinik wrote:Befor death (She):
“What is that song you’re listening to? You know I hate it. Don’t be such a jerk!” I declare, while flushing his attempts down the drain.…

What? Where did the song come into play????? *Confused* I agree with the other reveiwers, not very clear, like how did we know they were on the phone until later? And what was the thingy with the music....when you have a confusing point in your story, readers can't concentrate on anything else but fixing it in their minds, to make sense, and it is your job as a writer to clear it up.
There are two types of confusing; 1] Dramatic effect, so the reader remembers that point later on, and use that knowledge to clear up the whole thing. But that is almost only in mystery novels. 2] Just plain bad confusing.
You had #2. More description, and less rush in the mood of the story.
Great idea, I loved it other wise!
Cat!

Lo Niki. ^_^

This story is really broken by the fact that I have zero sympathy for the female narrator. She comes off as self centered, mean and deceitful. Her suicide also doesn't make any sense in the context of the story as she doesn't display any depression prior to killing herself.

I also can't help thinking that you want the male character to come off as looking bad, cold and emotionless; a user of women if you like. In actuality, he comes off as honest and loving, and the ending only shows his maturity and ability to move on with life (something the female character lacked).

Unlike the other reviewers, I didn't really have any problem understanding the story, although I can't help but feel that the second part (after death) would be better written in the third person. The first person doesn't really add anything to it.

-- Sureal