Young Writers Society

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Jerry thought for a moment, then sat down and turned on the light. His best friend would be here in a few minutes, but Jerry knew he had to do something to accelerate time. For no other reason but random selection, an idea inside his mind appeared that Jerry decided to attach himself to.

He tapped the pencil on the desk, then took out a sheet of paper.

Immediately he began to doodle three sticks with circles as heads.

Stick figure one, then two, and three would be the guy. There always had to be a guy. Otherwise a story wasn't interesting.

Stick Chick One would be short, with neat hair at her shoulders...or maybe the part where the arms drew into the back. Stick figures didn't have shoulders.

SC Two would be tall and skinny (like everyone else), but with really long hair down to her legs, which are model-length. She had to be pretty with long hair, right? Of course. Girls with long hair had to be hot.

Stick Dude: tall, bald, and not stupid.

Stick Boy and Stick Girl One (um...Molly) are childhood friends. They know each other's secrets and might be good for each other. She's not that ugly, and she's good at basketball. They've been playing for hours in the park.

Stick Girl Two (definitely Shauna) walks on by. Stick Boy drops the basketball and goes to follow her like a super-stalker. She gets a restraining order on him (a hand holds up a big paper that says "restraining order"), but then realizes how hot he is and gets the order lifted.

As Molly wonders where he is (sitting on the basketball on the court, pathetically alone), Stick Dog comes by (because dogs can talk) and tells her that Stick Dude is busy. Suddenly Stick Dude and Shauna are making out against the basketball pole (since Jerry can't draw that, Stick People are invisible when they make out but Molly can hear them) and Molly starts to cry like a little brat.

"Let's go," Shauna says, and Stick Dude agrees, putting her on his Stick Horse from out of nowhere, then riding away with her into the big sunset, but they have to come back because the horse gets tired, so they just decide to hang out everywhere they can instead. Meanwhile, Molly cries all over the page, on her knees sobbing and getting fat from eating out of depression. She can't play basketball because she's obese and ugly due to the acne she gets from all the chocolate she's been sucking down like a damned pipe.

Jerry drew a big HA! and an arrow pointing at her, then stretched in his chair. Now that was a happy ending!

"That's life, bitch!" he cackled.

"Who're you calling bitch?" a voice asked. Jerry jumped in his seat and looked down at Molly.

"What did you just say?"

"Are you ready? We were supposed to leave minutes ago!"

Jerry dropped his jaw. "Molly?"

"No, dumb ass!" Elizabeth said, knocking him out of his chair. Jerry sighed in relief, then got up slowly.

"Were you talking to your genitals again? I swear Jerry, why the hell do you do that?!"

Jerry waved her off, then grabbed his coat. "It's a guy thing, Canabarrae, I'm sure you'll get it later, when you become a man."

"Shut up. Let's go."

"Fine," he said, tucking the paper in his desk drawer.

The stick figure romance would have to wait until Superbad was done.
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I know, terrible, but still. I'm sick of tearful goodbyes. Let's have a hello to terrible writing!

I have to say I liked it a lot. Just the kinda of weird humour I like *nods*

And I really want to see Superbad.

Can't pick out any Gram/Spell's =D

Good Job!

It was quite funny, but it seemed like you switch point of view. It looked like to me that it went from third person to first person. I think it might have been the parenthesis.

Other than that I really liked it. :]
Happy writing.

Same with Mikey.

I thought the title was the kind to draw readers in. Plus, it was pretty funny.

Make it longer, expand on this story idea, and you'll most likely go somewhere with this story. PervertParadise, but yeah.

Notbaddd. Tell me when you've posted more on this, or if you will at all.

Thank you, and the Stick World thanks you (and that's saying something, because they're a TOUGH crowd!). I think I'll do better on my errors on the other version of the story: the female side.

And not just with one girl, but two.

that started weird didnt to flow smothly it left me with a kind of felling

i really with you would have kept going with the idea that Molly was talking to the main character. That would have been really interesting. All in all, i like this. Yes i agree thats life. Theres no closure for the story though. the narrater cant just get up and LEAVE and be done with it. no, thats too easy. i like where you were going with this, but it feels very incomplete.

I rather liked the premise of it, actually. And self-deprecation will get you nowhere.

Most of what I'd like to critique is the wording. There are alot of pronouns and after a while, the "he said/she said" etc. gets confusing as to who actually said what.

I like the stick figure dialogue, but I think the intro could be a little more concise:

Jerry thought for a moment, then sat down and turned on the light. She [who's "she"?] would be here in a few minutes, but he[confusing after the ambiguous "she"] knew he had to do something to pass the time away[<-- in italics: "time away" sounds awkward]. His attention span wasn't good for anything very long, but that was a mystery too[the "mystery" part is unnecessary and can be edited out]. His grades were better than most of the class. He[this is the third sentence in a row beginning with some reference to the boy other than his name. I don't mean you have to begin every sentence with a "Jerry did this" "Jerry did that" but why must every sentence begin with some form of Jerry at all?] was certainly more than just auspicious.["auspicious doesn't work in context. Make sure you know what big words mean before you use them]

The ending was cute, but I think it could have ended right after the girl walks in to preserve the hilarity.

I know it sounds incomplete. That's why I wrote another version. I don't think I should have kept up the whole Molly thing for too long. This was just a look into the character's imagination. I didn't really want him to look crazy, and I wanted the story to be as real as I could make it. Anyway, thanks for the extra critique.

It's interesting.

One thing is that you switch tenses. I get it when the Stick People's Story is being told in present tense, but sometimes in Jerry's bit, it goes from past to present.

Jerry draws a big HA! and an arrow pointing at her, then stretches in his chair. Now that was a happy ending!

"That's life, bitch!" he cackles.

"Who're you calling bitch?" a voice asked. Jerry jumps in his seat and looks down at Molly.

And again, you start in past:

Jerry thought for a moment, then sat down and turned on the light. She would be here in a few minutes, but he knew he had to do something to pass the time away.

And you end in present:

Jerry drops his jaw. "Molly?"

"No, dumb ass!" Elizabeth says, knocking him out of his chair. Jerry sighs in relief, then gets up slowly.

This bit was entirely unneccesary:

"Were you talking to your genitals again? I swear Jerry, why the hell do you do that?!"

Jerry waves her off, then gets his coat. "It's a guy thing, Canabarrae, I'm sure you'll get it later, when you become a man."

Nix it.

SC Two would be tall and skinny (like everyone else), but with really long hair at her legs, which were model-length. She had to be pretty with long hair, right? Of course. Girls with long hair had to be hot.

Hair at her legs? I think you mean "down to her legs", but "legs" is weird. Knees? Ankles, if you want to be extreme. Hips? Halfway down her back?

They know each others secrets and might be good for each other.

I think that should be other's.

His attention span wasn't good for anything very long, but that was a mystery too. His grades were better than most of the class. He was certainly more than just auspicious.

This bit doesn't do much for the story, so you could take it out.

Meanwhile, Molly cries all over the page, on her knees and fat from eating out of depression.

You need to add something onto this, explaining it. She's on her knees? Crying on her knees? Say so.

Meanwhile, Molly cries all over the page, on her knees and fat from eating out of depression.

Missing word, "getting"? "Getting fat"?

She can't play basketball because she's obese and ugly from the acne she gets from all the chocolate.

Makes it sound like the chocolate's being malicious and doing stuff to her. Perhaps, "from all the chocolate she eats."


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All that aside, it was very funny and very different! It makes a change from all the other 102862829 romances you read out there. Good!

Hey Man,

I agree completely with Twit on all the technical issues, and with Amelia about the pronoun use, but otherwise I loved it. I'm not sure if it was a romance or a comedy, but it was just my thing. The randomness of the entire work was great, as well as the abrupt ending.

Keep it up,

Blue

I enjoy it but I think it could do with some technical tweaking.

ئ twit ئ wrote:All that aside, it was very funny and very different! It makes a change from all the other 102862829 romances you read out there. Good!

Your critique pretty much summarizes everyone else's responses, and thank GOODness, because originality is exactly what I was going for. The next part's actually in the forum, but I'll post it here to save time. It's a preferred type of piece, and I think certain people will like it better than others. Here goes:

I will admit it: strange, isn't it? But, uh...comments wouldn't go astray.
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Approximately fifteen minutes after the departure of Jerry and his best friend, two of their friends from school arrived, expecting to group with Jerry and Elizabeth to see a movie. Jerry, being Jerry, and Elizabeth, being Elizabeth, forgot.

Luckily for these two of Jerry's many friends, they had a key.

"Jerry! Liz!" one of the friends called loudly. As the door slammed, the two people waited for an answer.

"JERRY! LIZ!" she called again, bending her ear toward the hallway. Her friend rolled her eyes.

"Where are the lights?" Stacey asked, still bent toward the hall.

Amalia sighed and turned on the lights. Stacey's mouth opened spherically and then curved into a goofy smile. "Oh!" she sighed, tapping her head as punishment.

Amalia rolled her eyes a second time. "When did you say they were going to the movies?"

"I think they said five, but... it could have been earlier."

"Hmm. We'll just say it's earlier and write them a note."

"Okay," Stacey bounced a little while Amalia waited for her to stop. She bounced for almost two minutes.

"STOP fucking bouncing! We need to find paper and something to write with!"

Stacey gave a last jump, then pointed at Jerry's desk in the large living room. "Maybe there's something in there!"

Amalia bit her lips together and walked over to it calmly, "Maybe there is." she said in a light tone. Stacey grinned and hopped over (literally).

"Well, I found a pen...Jesus, Jerry's like a teething baby--look at this! Fucking ink'll go on my hand when I write!"

"Ew! There's holes everywhere! You write it, Amie, you write it!" Stacey tossed the pen to her, disgusted. Amalia searched for paper, finding only a used one with the strangest markings she'd ever seen.

"Good Lord, look at this." she held it up.

"Ugh, are those stick figures?" Stacey asked, squinting.

"Bad ones. and look at that...HA...just shows you how smart Jerry is."

"Oh, that's mean! He wrote it on a fat girl! I like the girl and the boy, though...and the tall one right there!" she pointed to the long-haired one at the top.

Amalia thought for a second. "Molly, Shauna, and SD, huh? Well..." she began to write. Stacey watched attentively as two figures molded onto the scene. Both were tall, female, and no-nonsense: Amy and Stella. They're mad, bad, and super-tanned due to extensive appointments at a place people knew as the Beach.

As Stick Dude and Shauna are busy with their doings, Stella helps Molly up and guides her over to a plotting Amy, who wants revenge on Stick Dude for being such a horrible person.

Suddenly, Stick Fairy comes by (in fabulous stilettos and pristine gold curls), and takes them over to the Stick salon, where Molly loses all her horrible weight before she gets arrested (because being fat is a crime in the Stick World, otherwise known as the Paper), and turns into a beautiful career woman working for the great Dom Roddenburgh.

"Wait!" Amalia says suddenly, interrupting as Stacey makes Molly's hair grow prettier than that slut Shauna's.

"What?"

Amalia's eyes sparkle as she says, "She's got to be just like us!"

Stacey smiles, eyes just as wide, "Oh!"

Molly also becomes a ball-busting bitch with goddess-like complexion in addition to earning her Harvard medical degree in a record two hours. They both nod their heads, and decide her name must be changed, since Molly's such a wussy name.

“Molly?” Stick Dude, now known as the slime ball, asks her, incredulous at her transformation. Shauna taps his shoulder, but he swats it away, stunned by Molly’s beauty. "Molly" shakes her gorgeous head.

“It’s Mariah now,” she says gracefully. Stick Dude is struck with love and asks her to marry him on the spot. Shauna’s jaw literally drops (Stacey draws a mouth on the ground as a Stick guy proposes with a jumbo ring), but he doesn’t care anymore, since he’s seen past her façade and noticed how cold and ugly she is on the inside.

“Like Mansfield Park!” Stacey exclaims, jumping up and down, but Amalia pulls her back down.

“Stop! We need to make him pay!” she snarls.

Mariah says no, but decides to give him a job in the mailroom so he’ll be useful.

He agrees, quitting his job at Apple just so he can be near her. As Mariah changes the world, becoming more famous than Oprah, Shauna tries to get with Gary, a super agent from Hollywood who’s perfect, but he dumps her to be with Mariah, who realizes at first sight that he’s her soul mate and fires Stick Dude, who’s devastated and gets fatter than “Molly” ever got and sits on the bus stop every day, where it rains because the Paper doesn’t like fat people. The bus stop is right next to one of the many buildings that Mariah’s international company owns, and Stick Dude hopes to catch a glimpse of her just once because she’s the only good thing he ever had, but Mariah and Gary move to his rich seaside house in Italy and have perfect beautiful children and never grow old. It’s a gift to them for being modern-day saints (well, Mariah, at least, because all men are dogs), while they travel the world and make it the most kick-ass place in the universe.

Mariah becomes the first woman to win a Nobel Prize for Everything, the Pulitzer, the Academy Award for Best Actress and Director, Emmys, Tonys, and all the awards in the world, all before the age of thirty. She also wins the election for the first female President, but gives the honor to her almost-as-perfect daughter, and decides to stay in Italy, performing emergency world-class surgeries in the morning, donating to charity with her endless amount of money at lunch, and being the perfect mother and lover at night. She also becomes best friends with Amy and Stella, and gives them some of her countless money, making them rich and able to run their very successful fashion business and marry Matt Damon and Wentworth Miller.

She and Gary live happily ever after, and Shauna and Stick Dude don’t, which is what happens when you realize you deserve more than the loser who only sees surfaces, because that’s a REAL happy ending.

“Yes!” Amalia and Stacey high-fived each other, then stapled the papers they used together and wrote FABULOUS! on the top.

“That should teach Jerry to watch himself the next time he demeans a woman!” Stacey declared.

“No! Not women, ladies,” Amalia corrected her, then tossed her hair, “Let’s go. I want to go see Superbad before it gets late."

"Yeah!" Stacey said, then turned serious, "But men are horrible. They're shits," she paused, then added, "They're horrible shits."

"Totally," Amalia and Stacey walked out, leaving the stapled papers on the desk, with no note about their reason for visiting.

LOL! Apart from all the bad language, I liked this just as much as the first one. What I'd consider changing, apart from the all the bad language, is the beginning. When I was reading it, I didn't have a clue as to what was going on.

"Jerry! Liz!" one of the friends called loudly. As the door slammed, the two people waited for an answer.

"JERRY! LIZ!" she called again, bending her ear toward the hallway. Her friend rolled her eyes.

"Where are the lights?" Stacey asked, still bent toward the hall.

Amalia sighed and turned on the lights. Stacey's mouth opened spherically and then curved into a goofy smile. "Oh!" she sighed, tapping her head as punishment.

Amalia rolled her eyes a second time. "When did you say they were going to the movies?"

"I think they said five, but... it could have been earlier."

"Hmm. We'll just say it's earlier and write them a note."

"Okay," Stacey bounced a little while Amalia waited for her to stop. She bounced for almost two minutes.

"STOP f****** bouncing! We need to find paper and something to write with!"

Stacey gave a last jump, then pointed at Jerry's desk in the large livingroom, "Maybe there's something in there!"

Maybe I'm just being thick, but make allowances for the thick readers. And livingroom is two words: living room. And that comma should be a full stop.


Amalia (Amelia?) changes to Amie in the last few sentences, and I think you should keep her as Amalia (Amelia?) throughout the whole piece.

Other than that, and all the bad language, it was very good. Are you going to continue all this, with different people adding their versions, or just Jerry editing the girls' bits? Very funny, apart from all the bad language.