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Diamond Angel



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Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:21 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



Diamond Angel

He was still and motionless, flat on his back, arms at his sides. His eyes were closed and his entire body was relaxed. A white shirt lay wrinkled up, supporting his delicate looking neck. This exposed his gorgeous, pale glowing skin down to his waist.

I lay next to him, propped up by an elbow. The yellow-green grass of the evening’s warm setting sun had turned a more bluish shade with the rising of the moon. The Milky Way was washed out by the bright half moon, which turned the onyx sky a deep navy. It was a cloudless night.

I had the urge to touch that luminosity that looked as if it came from deep within his being. The light blue surface of his skin seemed so hard and cold, like marble, I thought. But it wasn’t. It was soft. I gasped, jerking my hand back slightly as I realized that I was touching him. A smile came to my lips, realizing he wasn’t going to stir. I stretched my fingers out again and with the very tips of my fingers, touched him as lightly as a feather in the center of his chest between his collarbone and breast. The coolness of his skin surprised me. It was refreshing to my fingers as my body burnt with excitement.

My fingers slowly traced down his middle. He wasn’t particularly muscled. Just enough to create definition in his abdomen. A perfect little channel for my fingertips to travel down to his navel. My fingers each took a turn circling around it before my arm retreated back to my side. I breathed out a heavy sigh. I realized I have been breathing too shallowly. But who wouldn’t, touching such an angel as this?

I turned my head up to see his face. My face flushed just at the sight of it. Why was it so exciting even to watch him lie there motionless? His face looked as if it were also carved of marble. His feminine features fit his face well. A pointed nose, small chin, and sharp jaw and cheekbones set off gorgeous, kissable lips. I heard myself sigh just at the thought the small but piercing blue eyes that rest, smoldering under frozen eyelids. His straight light brown, almost dirty blonde hair was perfection in itself. Each strand had its place and stayed there unaided.

My eyes traced down his toned arms. The fine hairs were elevated in the chill of the night. I touched the velvety texture with the back of my fingers and relished in the sensation. Again, my fingers postponed their leaving his arm and listlessly traced a blue vein down to the back of his hand.

From his hand, my eyes continued tracing the path around the waistline of his pants. A rush of feelings flowed from my face down to my abdomen as my mind filled in what the denim and cotton hid. Finally, my eyes flitted back up to his abdomen. An eternity must have passed because dew droplets were now forming across his blue night tinted skin. The light flowing through them was such a magical sight that a completely new rush of feelings flowed through my entire being. It made him appear so crystalline and perfect. He was my diamond angel.

My adrenaline was pure now. It pumped fast and it pumped heavy. I got off my elbow and suspended my body partially over his. I paused a moment as my face came level with his just to admire his beauty. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I let my selfishness kiss his lips.

I kissed the cool, wet dew off his deliciously soft lips. He suddenly but gently came alive. After coming to consciousness to the situation around him, his arm lifted up and held my head to his as he kissed me back gently at first, then becoming more fierce. My heart raced and I could just imagine this immense heat leaving my body in trails of flaming red in the blue night.

Finally, I sat up and smiled as he pulled himself up to face me. “Well that’s a nice way to wake up,” he said, pulling his shoulders back to stretch out his muscles.

“Really?” I asked.

“Mhmm,” he nodded. “Now, how would you like to fall asleep?” Without waiting for a reply, he pulled me into a kiss as we reclined back down to the grass. And there I slowly fell asleep, curled up next to my diamond angel.
Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Tue Oct 02, 2007 9:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:21 am
azure says...



This story kind of reminded me of a scene I've read in Twilight.. the meadow scene to be exact.. Anyway, I think that this is a lovely story! One thing though.. it's about this line:

yoha_ahoy wrote:I let my selfishness kiss his lips.


This line sounds weird.. you could change it to I let my selfishness takeover as I kissed his lips

That's my suggestion! I hope to read more of your works!
  





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Wed Sep 26, 2007 10:27 pm
orcashadow says...



I really like the perspective of the story. Too often I see stories that are written from a man's perspective about the beauty of a woman. It's refreshing to see this desire and lust coming from a woman and exploring the narrators emotions as she watches him.

I enjoyed how you made each action of hers distinct by detailing the feelings that she had for each one, instead of grouping them together into a list. I like the slow pace, really, is what I'm trying to say. It kept me focused more on what she was feeling instead of just the actions in the story. I don't think a lot of action was really needed for this, and you did a great job completing this. The ending was rather nice, though it seemed to end a little too briefly. I mean, would she just suddenly curl up and go to sleep when he just woke up? I'm not sure that it seems all that realistic there.

The way you describe the sunlight turning into nighttime and the way everything has that bluish look at night was really beautiful. Your comparison of his skin to marble was great. Marble really does have a nice look to it, and I liked how you encorporated that into the description.

The only thing I can really say that I didn't like as much was how she was touching him so much, but he didn't even stir. It may just be that I'm a light sleeper, but it seems a little far fetched that she'd be running her fingers all across his body and he doesn't so much as twitch until she kisses him. Maybe try working this in a little more. The way he wasn't moving made me think that he was dead for the longest time, and took away from the romantic feel of the story (since it was seeming more like a horror when I began to think he was a corpse).

Nice work overall though. Keep working at this.
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Thu Sep 27, 2007 3:01 pm
Someguy says...



It was nice. Steamy :lol: :lol:

I think there could be a little more work done.

My adrenaline was pure now. It pumped fast and it pumped heavy. I got off my elbow and suspended my body partially over his. I paused a moment as my face came level with his just to admire his beauty. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I let my selfishness kiss his lips. He suddenly but gently came alive. After coming to consciousness to the situation around him, his arm lifted up and held my head to his.


Stupid woman :lol:
I don't know. Something is missing. I can't point it out. I mean here she kisses him. It needs to be inteanse. Steamy :lol: You know. I didn't get that.
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Thu Sep 27, 2007 7:08 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



azure: I love Twilight!!! I haven't read it in such a long time though! Thanks for the compliment! :D

orcashadow: First, thank you for all your compliments.
The way he wasn't moving made me think that he was dead for the longest time, and took away from the romantic feel of the story (since it was seeming more like a horror when I began to think he was a corpse).

About that... in a way I was trying to get that effect. I'm glad you though that and others didn't. It's meant to go both ways sort of. *sly grin*

Someguy: I think I'll have to agree with you there about the kiss. I might go back and fix it. We'll see. :wink: Glad you liked it!

EDIT: Fixed the kiss scene! How do you like it now? :lol:
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Wed Nov 14, 2007 6:03 pm
Night Mistress says...



it's very good. i like it. maybe you should continue it.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Wed Nov 14, 2007 7:28 pm
Rossetta says...



I like the way it starts with out any waiting. the story needs to be continued
  





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Sat Feb 16, 2008 4:41 am
BigBadBear says...



Wow. Very 'dirty'. XD

Great job, Yoyo! This was very... sexy and good! I would love to lay on the grass with a girl... *daydreams*
Anywho... they are on the grass, no? :huh:
Another anywho, great job! I wish I could find something to critique... it's just so perfect by itself. You write amazing romances!

Keep writing!

BBB
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Would love help on this.
  





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Wed Feb 20, 2008 4:38 am
Fall_Into_The_Sky says...



as usual exceptional short story
The only wrong love is only one never felt.
Live to day as if your would die tomorrow.
Love like you know no other, dream as if they'd come true, hope because you can reach the stars.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:35 am
Angel of Death says...



Beautiful. I love your title.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 10:42 pm
chick_with_a_pen says...



i want more!i its really beautiful i love it,
If it breathes or has moving parts, sooner or later it'll give you trouble." Author Scott Buchler
  





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Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:20 pm
cloudy.skiesx says...



This is seriously brilliant!

I love it:)

Amazing read , there's nothing bad I can say!

x
Cloudy.skiesx;*
  





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Mon Mar 10, 2008 2:49 pm
Kalliope says...



Hey Yoyo,

I also like this a lot, but it did remind me of twilight... Just the whole way he is cold, but beautiful.

His face looked as if it were also carved of marble. His feminine features fit his face well.


Twice 'his face' is a little much in my eyes.

I also have mixed feelings about the selfishness kissing his lips thing...

Other than that: Good job! :)

Keep it up

~Kalliope
  





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Tue Mar 11, 2008 12:59 am
keirab says...



This was very good, I liked it a lot! I have to say though that I thought the "spell" of the whole piece was ruined somewhat when the dialogue started and they "kissed fiercely". I was liking the peaceful mood of it all. However, I loved the way it ended. And the title was great!

~Keira~

P.S. It was lovely talking to you earlier.
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