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Escape



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Thu Jul 19, 2007 1:35 pm
Lady Sydney says...



My eyes flutter open slowly, my lids heavy as lead. With a strong effort, my eyes open all the way and the world around me is nothing but a blur. My back is warmed by the glowering sunlight, but my chest and stomach are unusually cold. I close my eyes again and wiggle my fingers, tapping them against the soggy ground.

‘Wait. The… ground? How did I end up on the ground?’ I think, snapping my lids open once more. I lift my head. The slick mud sticks against the side of my cheek, making a sucking noise when I try to move, “Ick,” I say to myself, placing my hands palm down against the soil. When I push up, it comes to my attention that my golden bracelet is gone. I sigh, frustrated, and sit on my knees, wiping the wet dirt on my now dingy gown. I turn my head all around, taking in my surroundings; I sigh, “I guess that’s what happens when you run blindly through a storm in the middle of the night; you run into the middle of nowhere.”

After a while of skimming the room with my eyes, I stand up and look down at myself. My white dress is now brown, my arms and legs spotted with dirt, my toes caked with mud and a few blades of grass, and my once beautiful ringlets have died to straight frizzy tendrils, “A mess,” I mumble quietly to myself. A twig cracks in the forest to my left; I startle and gasp, darting my eyes left and right, “Who’s there?” I call.
No one responds.

“I said who… is… there?” I shout.

Silence.

I roll my eyes and walk forward a little to see if I can find anything that looks familiar, “Probably just a squirrel,” I conclude, “Now let’s see about getting home. I think I saw a- whoa!” Not even getting three feet away from where I was laying, I stumble over a deep hole in the ground, the same one I remember tripping in last night before blacking out. This time, however, my palms break my fall and I lay there abashed… even though there is no one around but me.

Something bright flashes to my right, capturing my attention. I gasp and my face lights up, grabbing for it and no longer caring about my little incident, “My bracelet!” I cry with joy, looking it over; the grin fades, “…is broken.” I groan and get back up to my feet, “Could today get any worse? I mean. I wake up on the-!”

The twig cracks again and I glare in the direction of the sound, grumbling, “Stupid forest animals.” I try to make my leave again, but another twig snaps. Then another, another, another, and yet again… another, ‘This is too strange. There can’t just be a whole bunch of squirrels just huddling in spot, can there?’ I question silently. The snapping continues and suddenly begins to become louder; I back up slowly, picking up a rather large stick in the process. I cradle it close to my chest and stand in a fighting stance, my eyes wild; I shout, “Who’s there? Show yourself right now!”

Once more, a twig snaps, but is followed this time by two voices in quiet conversation. My ears perk and I lean in forward, trying to hear a little better but I only get snippets over the conversation. Something along the lines of, “Last night… missing… searching… marriage… lately… mother… Vyla… killed… believes in love… crazy family… follow…”

I gasp and drop the stick, ‘They’re following me. My mother has sent a search party to look for me! I should go talk to them and get them to take me home; they would know how to get there.’ I think hopefully, moving to walk over to them, but a new thought suddenly stops my step, ‘But if they take me back, I will have to confront my mother and deal with her issues.’ I go with the second option and decide not to turn myself in. Instead, I turn slowly on my heel and run straight ahead, not knowing or caring where I end up.
---

The bedroom door bursts open and a young girl comes storming in, her hands planted on her tiny hips and her eyes narrowed in a fierce glare, “Mum!”

The older woman lounging in bed cracks an eye open and stares down the intruder. Once she realizes who it is, she sighs and closes her eyes again, “Maddy, how many times must I ask you to knock before entering?”

The five year old, eyes still narrowed and her lips in a tiny pout, stomps her foot with her hands still firmly on her hips, “Mum!”

The woman peeks through one eye again, “Do not stomp your foot at me, Madeline.” Her youngest daughter did as she was told and stopped stomping, but her glare and pout remained, “Now what is the problem?”

Madeline takes her hands off her hips long enough to run across the room to her mother’s bed. She leaps on and grabs a handful of the thick covers in her tiny hand, trying to pull herself up. Mary, seeing her daughter’s weak efforts, chuckles and bends over to help her up. Madeline scrambles onto the sheets and sits on her knees, pouting with folded arms, “You like Vyla more than me.”

“Aww,” she coos in reply, “Why do you think that?”

“She gots a party!”

“One: It’s ‘she gets a party’, and two: no she doesn’t; not the kind you’re thinking of.”

“Why don’t I get one!”

Mary smiles and gently pats the side of Maddy’s cheek, “We are trying to find your sister; she’s run off somewhere.”

Madeline’s eyes widen and her arms drop to her side, “Is she gunna get in trouble?”

“You don’t need to worry about all of that,” Mary chuckles, “Where is your father?”

Madeline sighs silently and rests her head on her mother’s bosom, letting the older woman toy with her hair, “Riding horses with Alexander.”

Mary nods silently, mumbling under her breath as she gazes out the window beside her bed, “And here I thought he said his back was hurting.” She averts her attention back down to Madeline and smiles softly, “Maddy?”

She looks up from poking her mother’s naval, “Hmm?”

“I need for you to get up so I can get started on my day. I have a lot to do, and I need to hurry and get to it.”

Madeline lifts her head and adjusts so that she is sitting cross-legged, “Like what?”

Mary pokes her nose and smiles softly, “None of your concern, little Miss nosy. Aht!” she cries once she notices another pout getting ready to etch onto her daughter’s face, “None of that.”

Madeline’s half pout dies and she, with the help of Mary, gets off the bed and makes her leave. Soon after, Mary clambers out as well and stretches her arms and legs. She moves the stool at her vanity and picks up the whip that lays there. She runs the thick line between her fingers, “Yes. Today I will be very busy indeed.”

---

Voila! The next chapter. Hope you liked it just as much as the first one! Crit please! :)
Last edited by Lady Sydney on Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
  





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Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:20 pm
Rydia says...



Wow. The mother is a complicated character, yes? She seems genuinely fond of the younger daughter and acts kindly throughout this chapter until the end with the whip. I am intrigued to know more of her. As for Vyla, poor girl. She doesn't seem to be having much luck. A nice touch with the bracelet. Here are some specific suggestions -

I gasp and my face lights up, grabbing for it and no longer caring about my little incident [This could be a little clearer. Perhaps 'I gasp and my face lights up. I reach out and take it in my hand, no longer caring about my little incident.']

‘This is too strange. There can’t just be a whole bunch of squirrels just huddling in one spot, can there?’

My ears perk and I lean [s]in[/s] forward, trying to hear a little better but I only get snippets [s]over[/s] of the conversation.

The older woman lounging in bed cracks an eye open and stares down at the intruder.

Her youngest daughter did as she was told and stopped stomping, but her glare and pout remained [You change tense here. Not a good idea. This should read 'Her youngest daughter does as she is told and stops stomping but her glare and pout remain.']

Madeline’s half pout dies and she, with the help of Mary, gets off the bed and [s]makes her leave[/s] leaves the room.

______________________

Altogether, I like the added character of Maddy and I look forward to seeing where this will go. Work on description a little. I'd like to know more of the scenery. What sort of bedroom does the mother have? And does Maddy resemble Vyla? Also, will you bring the husband in more? There's clearly some conflict between him and his wife and that sounds like an interesting story. Overall, well written and I look forward to reading more.
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Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:45 pm
JabberHut says...



Very well done! I really like this story--'tis going along very well! :D

I sigh, frustrated, and sit on my knees, wiping the wet dirt on my now dingy gown


Did you mean for her to wipe dirt on her gown, or off? If she's wiping it off, we can assume there was dirt already on the gown.

The snapping continues and suddenly begins to become louder; I back up slowly, picking up a rather large stick in the process.


I don't think a semicolon is necessary. It will be just fine as two sentences.

There can’t just be a whole bunch of squirrels just huddling in spot, can there?’


You use "just" twice. Let's delete one of them, shall we? You can get rid of one or the other. Either way, it will sound how you want it to sound. Also "...huddling in a spot..." :wink:

I cradle it close to my chest and stand in a fighting stance, my eyes wild; I shout, “Who’s there? Show yourself right now!”


Why does she cradle a stick to her chest in a fighting stance? I was a bit confused there. Also, unnecessary semicolon, I'd say. Again, you could use two sentences. Semicolons aren't bad in either of the above sentences (this and the earlier one). If you plan to use one, don't use them all the time. Save them for when they really seem necessary. If you keep connecting sentences with semicolons, it gets really crazy.

I should go talk to them and get them to take me home; they would know how to get there.’


Semicolon. I would, actually, use two dashes (--) instead of a semicolon. The second part is necessary info we need to know, but it doesn't stand on it's own.

Madeline takes her hands off her hips long enough to run across the room to her mother’s bed. She leaps on and grabs a handful of the thick covers in her tiny hand, trying to pull herself up. Mary, seeing her daughter’s weak efforts, chuckles and bends over to help her up. Madeline scrambles onto the sheets and sits on her knees, pouting with folded arms, “You like Vyla more than me.”


The cutest little girl! Very well written. I smiled as I read this part. Very nice!

None of your concern, little Miss nosy


No need to capitalize "miss"

She runs the thick line between her fingers, “Yes. Today I will be very busy indeed.”


:shock: Woah! Didn't see that coming! I'm scared now!

Very well done. The only major issue I saw was the use of the semicolon. Don't overdo the semicolon. It's there to help, but there are plenty of other punctuation that can work. Semicolon's very special. If you use it too much, it loses it's specialness. :wink: I hope I helped.

Can't wait for more!!

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Thu Jul 19, 2007 5:53 pm
omgsh mikey says...



Hey! Very nice update. I'd do a full critique, but I didn't see anything that the other two haven't critiqued first. I don't want to echo.

The pace of the story is going along great.

Um, that's all I can really say right now. (I really want to slap my little brother. He's angry at his game, and so he's slamming the keyboard.)
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Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:02 am
Kay Kay says...



I love the update and what I've just read. The girl is very cute sounding and the mother is interesting. I kind of got lost somewhere between being in the forest to being in a bedroom. Can't wait to read more.
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
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Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:13 pm
JC says...



The slick mud sticks against the side of my cheek, making a sucking noise when I try to move period“Ick,” I say to myself, placing my hands palm down against the soil.

Instead of the comma you have. It just flows better.


This was a good chapter. I love how you incoperated how the mother acts around the younger daughter to show the contrast. Great addition.

Other than that there isn't much I can say...

Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  





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Tue Jul 24, 2007 8:57 pm
Eric says...



Extremely well done. The people above seem to have pointed out all your little mistakes, so I won't tell you what you already know.

I will, however, say that the mother is a bit freak-ish. :shock: She has problems, not in a writing sense, but because you made her that way. Looney.

It's nice how you have her treat her daughters differently. This will make quite nice for the upcoming chapters. :wink: Vyla is nice, and at first I thought "Hmm.. why haven't the two men (I assume they are men), in the bushes, jumped out and grabbed her already and dragged her back home to her mother?" but you probably have it set up so that they can just keep up with her or something. I don't know. :roll: Lol

Short and sweet: This was nice. Work on your sentence structure and the like, and you will be off like a rocket. :wink: Great job and I look forward to reading more of this.

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Sat Aug 11, 2007 4:09 pm
Lady Sydney says...



Thanks!! :D Nice to know I got the reactions I wanted from you guys. :wink: The point was to make the mother seem evil to Vyla, but sweet and motherly to her younger sister.

Glad you guys caught that. ^^ Thanks again for your help! Next chapter should be coming sometime soon.

:smt049~Syd
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
  





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Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:10 pm
GingerLizzy says...



Hmm.. I liked this actually. I loved the portrayal of the little girl - how she clambers up onto her mothers lap and literally climbs all over her when she's talking, annoyed that here sister gets a "party". Really believable.

But, at first, you mention a room - I thought she was outside. This confused me and I though.. Huh? Read this and try to find what I mean.

Other than that though, this was great, Keep up the good work.
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Fri Sep 21, 2007 8:18 pm
canislupis says...



This was good, the ending was creepy. You did the younger sister very well, but Vyla could use some work. The was you use her dialogue, she sounds a bit stupid, like she is coming to conclusions slowly. For example:

gasp and drop the stick, ‘They’re following me. My mother has sent a search party to look for me! I should go talk to them and get them to take me home; they would know how to get there.’ I think hopefully, moving to walk over to them, but a new thought suddenly stops my step, ‘But if they take me back, I will have to confront my mother and deal with her issues.’

The way you are having her talk to herself inside her head is kindof unnecessary. since you are in first person, you could just say it, because she sounds odd when she is talking to herself.

The mother really creeps me out :)
  





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Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:03 pm
Someguy says...



Really nice beginning.
A bit confused with the hole and stuff but thats just me.

It is good and can't wait for next chapter. :D
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Tue Jan 15, 2008 11:45 pm
Lady Sydney says...



Thanks to everyone, but this will be on hold for a while. After I finish "Heiress" and "The Lucky Number Seven", I'll try to come back to this. Thanks again!

~*Sydney*~
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Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:42 am
mintantlers says...



I really like how the story flows along really nicely. There's great characterizaton and the characters have their own personality that you can easily tell apart. The beginning is a little fuzzy to me but otherwise it's a terrific piece which you should continue writing to. Keep up the great work!
  





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Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:37 pm
Lady Sydney says...



Thanks, mintantlers! ^_^ The characterization is what I was aiming for, because that's a little difficult to me. Sadly, it won't continue until I've finished "Heiress", but I will PM when I come back to this. :) Thanks again!

~*Sydney*~
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Sat Jan 19, 2008 4:18 am
SpencerNolanRivers says...



‘Wait. The… ground? How did I end up on the ground?’

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